Need Advice Onhow to Approach Another Mom W/o Offending Her

This has been going on for a long time, so the mother is not watching her child. Please go knock on her door and let her know that her little one has wandered into the street and far from home. She will either be thankful and start keeping a closer eye or be defensive. By her reactions you will know the next action to be taken. If it is the latter, I do mean contact CPS and have them pay a visit to that home.

Blessings...

I agree that we need to know his age first. I suspect he is way to young to be out alone (maybe 3 or 4?)

Anyway, next time he wanders, go fetch him and bring him to the mom. Say to her, "Did you know where he was? Because he was out by the road and he really needs you out there with him. I fear something will happen to him . . ."

Sometimes, simply bringing the child back to the mother is enough to make her mortified enough to watch him more - especially for those women who do not seem to have a maternal side.

If the child appears dirty, hungry and still wanders alone, report the child to social services. At the very least, they will help mom understand the needs of her child and it will be enforced by law.

Good luck

Wow, that is difficult. If you have any kind of decent relationship with this other mom, I would say talk to her about it- but try hard not to sound critical of her, because that will only make her defensive.

I mean, ok, if it was me, I would be like you and be OUT THERE with my kid- but maybe you could just say " I don't want to bother you, but the other day little Jeff was outside by himself and walked right into the street. I went and got him, but I'm just worried he might do it again." Then give her an invite "Maybe tomorrow night do you want to sit out with me and have some ice tea while the kids are playing?"

I am afraid that if she is paying so little attention now, she won't do anything. That's awful, but it might be true. If you can make 'watching the kids' seem like a more social thing, she might feel more inclined to be outside. Maybe you can get another neighbor in on this with you? So you would 'all' be out visiting with each other or working on the yard or something?

I know that TECHNICALLY this is not your responsibility. But you are a good mama and a good neighbor for trying to fix this situation and realizing that a child's safety is the most important thing!

If you put out these feelers and she still doesn't do anything, then you might have to take some other steps. If the child is clean and well fed and doesn't seem abused or neglected in any other way, I am not sure what you should do next. But hopefully the other mom will get it and this will take care of the problem!

Good luck- you're a good mom and a good neighbor!!

You don't say if you get along with this one's Mom.....but assuming you do, I would just tell her that the other day, you're child was out, and so was I, and he took off.......I'm worried about him getting hurt.......do you have a cell phone or does she where you could call? Tell her your concern........that's all you can really do. Unfortunately, I've found that most people like this really don't care......unless something happens. I had a next door neighbor that let her kid out in the snow with only a diaper.........and my kids were sick more than hers!!!
Just be upfront, that you are worried, the baby is young, you and the other moms can't run to it's aid, and you don't want anything to happen......and that she is more than welcome to come out and sit with the rest of you moms to watch the baby as well.........talk and make new friends.
If that doesn't work, the only other option to help keep the baby safe is to call in child welfare..........and that's a decision you will have to make if that time comes.
Good luck and take care.

You don't say how old the kid is.

Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to change someone -- but me personally -- I'd just bluntly say something to her. (Which of course would be ineffective and make her defensive and probably even more determined to let her kid be out alone.)

If you're more successful at being tactful than I usually am -- try to find a really nice way to say something. Meantime, since it probably won't change, just watch the little boy as much as you can.

Recently, I saw a little 3 or 4 year old riding his bike up and down a street. He was having a hard time with his helmet, so I stopped and helped him adjust it and spent about 10 minutes with him. In that time, no mother ever appeared. He was completely trusting and I could have done anything with him. I left, feeling sad, and just hoped that nothing bad would ever happen to that poor little boy.

We can't save the world, unfortunately.

We live in a cul-de-sac and I allow my 7 year old to be out alone. I feel our neighborhood is safe (although I know you can never be completely safe anywhere) My 5 year old wants to go out with the 7 year old and that is just too young to me. I stay outside with them and I keep the door open if I have to run inside. Being in the cul-de-sac I feel like it's a little safer than being right off the road. If we didn't have the cul-de-sac I would be a lot more strict.

I would definitely just tell the mom that her little one is pretty active and likes to wander and that everyone is really worried that he's going to get hurt. Tell her the examples so she doesn't think that everyone is just against her...mommas get really defensive as you know, you don't want her to feel like you think she's a bad mom. If you have examples to share then she will be more inclined to listen. It isn't your job to watch over her child all the time...every now and again is one thing but all the time is not acceptable. It's definitely a hard situation so just try to make it light-hearted and like it's no big deal. I have found that when I play things off to be funny/light-hearted and I act real easy about it then others respond that way. When you get all serious then people get defensive. Even though this issue is serious, it's all about the approach.

Oh yeah, I thought of something else too: tell her that you don't mind watching the child but that your eyes are all over the place watching your own child that you are afraid he will get hurt. If you act as though you really do care for this little one, that you would like to help if you could then I think that will be helpful too.

That's my advice! Hope you get the problem solved. :)

I would go to her after seeing him outside up the street, out of eyesight, under a car, etc and tell her that you are glad that you were outside because you saw him do X and you KNOW that she wouldn't not have approved. Explain to her that he was in harm's way and you wanted to bring him to her because if that happened with your kids and you weren't around, you'd hope that another mother would do that. Tell her that with all the kids around, it's hard to keep an eye on everyone's kids so sometimes kids who are unattended to can stray and as a group, you are not comfortable with this. Explain to her that he has almost been hit (you may need to embellish to get it through her head). It sounds like she is just assuming that everyone else will keep an eye on her kid. Maybe offer to her "i'd be happy to keep an eye out for him once in a while, but you'll need to ask me first so I know that you won't be around. There are times when I go inside or do something and I'd hate to have your child get hurt because you assumed I was watching him but hadn't asked me." Tell her that you didn't want to say anything because you know she's a great mom (even if you don't think this) but that you fear for her child's safety. I'd risk her friendship or her getting mad if it opens her eyes and protects her child.

I believe you are looking for an ice-breaker to approach this subject with the neighbor. Next time you are out with your kids and he is out and "wanders" away, go to her duplex and tell her, "I thought you might want to know "little Johnny" was right here and then he disappeared. You might want to come outside and find him. I sure hope nothing bad has happened?" and then walk away! Maybe she just needs a "scare or shock" since she is one of those (unfortunately I think every neighborhood has one) that just assumes the other parents will "keep an eye on" their kids as well.

If she doesn't seem bothered by that or come out to look for him then I would definately consider contacting someone about it like the other responders suggested! That is definately "neglect" in my book.

B.,
Yes I think there is a time to approach the mother. I am of the opinion that children should not ever be left unattended. Almost no matter what age. Because the older they get the bigger the stuff they get into to. Anyway, maybe you should find out what is going on with the momma. She obviously has something going on in her life that she can't focus on her little one. She may need a real friend right now. And then you can approach the idea of her being apart of the gathering of children and their moms. My best to and to her. She may need just some guidelines. Some people do not always get the same kind of parenting. Let me know how it goes. K. ____@____.com

I have a 2.5 year old that this year for the first time may play in our fully fenced backyard by herself, without me hovering (I still watch from the kitchen window, though).

My sister feels comfortable letting her 4 year old walk to the playground down the street by herself... not sure if I would ever do that.

She lives in Europe though, were parenting is a bit more laid back. I can remember walking 2 blocks to preschool by myself when I was around 4 or 5....
It's a different ballpark though, when it is culturally accepted and kids are drilled how to behave around cars. This little one obviously doesn't.

Honestly I would not know how to approach it. If you are not particularly friendly with her, just be gentle and honest. Say that you worry about her son's safety and that people are talking... you just wanted her to know...
Good luck!

You might try to say something like "Is Timmy allowed to go into the street when he's outside? I saw him get really close (so she won't scream at the kid) and I was very worried for his safety." I'm happy to keep an eye on him when I am handy, but I don't know your rules."

I really HATE the double standards that we have in this country. No one would EVER tolerate this kind of lack of supervision if she was his daycare provider or nanny and not his mother. If you thought a paid caregiver was ignoring the children, putting them in harms way, you would not hesitate to call social services. This mom isn't going to change unless someone makes her. I believe you should call social services every single time something scary happens, every time you see him out without her, and keep doing it until they do something.

I don't normally jump to that advice. I really DON'T like the idea of turning people in unless it's necessary. But this is really BAD.

Please say something - it is better safe than sorry!

Any chance of sending an anonymous letter stating that you are interested in the welfare of the child? I'm sure you can make it all sweet, so she REALLY understands no one is attacking her. It doesn't really matter if she is offended... she wouldn't know who to be upset with.
Just a thought! I hope you find resolution, for your own well being. Bless you, Mama!

You don't say how old the kid is, but I would talk directly to him. If his mama isn't going to teach him safety rules, maybe you and the other mamas can. If you see him in a potentially dangerous situation, call him on it. 'Billy it's not ok to play outside the gate. You need to go back to the fenced yard now.' Maybe he will catch on. If he is out by the cars, I would take him back up to his house and let his mom know where you found him. Be sympathetic. 'I didn't want you to be frantically searching for him.'
Also, if you are out watching your kids and her child is out without her, go to her door and ask if she'd like to come out and hang out with you. No need to mention her unattended kid, just trying to be friendly. Some people come to parenthood completely unprepared and really just have no clue. Befriending her may really make a difference. You may be the first example of decent parenting she's ever had.

You don't say how old this child is, only in comparison to your own kids, but how old are THEY? Age matters in this situation.
I think you could try starting a chat about something else entirely, and then casually, say, "By the way, I wanted to make sure that you do know that your son sometimes goes to point B when you are not around, in case you were not aware of that."
Basically don't just blurt it out like you think it is a federal case or imply that you think she should disapprove of his freedom, in case she thinks it is totally fine. That might be taken as criticism of the way she raises her child.

So hard to decide on an approach w/o knowing the age of this little neighbor boy.

With our oldest, we were maybe a little over protective. He wasn't allowed in the yard w/o us until he was 7 or 8. Now, we have a 4 year old that I wouln't let play in the yard w/o supervision unless his 9 yr old brother is there too and if I am in the kitchen or living room so I can see them.

Though I am more relaxed now, I don't think I would consider letting my youngest outside alone until 6-7. From your post, I have to assume we are talking about a child far younger than this? If so, knock on her door the next time she lets him out alone and with a smile say,

"I just wanted to let you know, my children and are going to be busy/or leaving shortly. We won't be able to keep on eye on your son and I know YOU'D feel a lot better if you came outside to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get hurt or wander away."

Depending on how old the child is, if they are capable of understanding boundaries or not I would approach the subject differently.

If the child is too young, I would just tell the parent your concern for the welfare of the child and the instances in which you saw the child in danger. I would not talk about what others have seen. If you don't mind watching the child then I would also add that if she would like to send the child out without supervision it would be ok if she got a hold of you and asked if you would keep an eye on the child.

If the child is old enough, I would suggest going over there with the kind advice of maybe telling her what you saw and how she might want to have a talk with the child on boundaries so that she may not end up getting hurt.

Again I would do this in the most friendliest way. Good luck! I definitely think either way something should be said.

i have a six year old in the neighborhood who is always out without parental supervision. she roams around into everyone's yard. she knocks on our doors, and if you open the door, she sneaks in, and then it gets difficult to send her away. and i have been polite about it, and somewhat allowed to girl to play with my girls. but it got difficult trying to keep an eye on her, and taking on that responsibility. all neighbors talk about this girl and her family, and we're all frustrated. i decided i had enough playing someone else's mommy, so as soon as she comes to our yard while we're playing i tell her to go home. one time is end her out, and after an hr or so i came inside and left my kids and my husband out. 30 min later my husband came in and said the girl's mother came into the yard to ask why was her daughter sent away? i don't get it. i don't feel bad. i am done. if this woman were to be my friend i would tell her that i find it dangerous for her daughter to be roaming around alone, and that i am afraid to watch her on top of playing and watching my kids. i am not friends with this mom, so i have no options. if you know this mom you could say to her something like i am worried about your son, because i see him roaming away form the play area, all by himself. see where that goes.