Need Advice on My Daughter Who Was Molested.

Have you talked to her about what happened to you and how you felt and really get deep with her so she can relate to you on such a deeper level, cry together.

Try a life coach. They go places others won't go. Also get her into a sport like Karate so she can feel more impowered! There is a great life coach in Gold Canyon!

I'm really sorry to hear that you all are going thru this! I was molested when I was little (under 10) and I know I'm still dealing with it (I'm 27 yo). I never told anyone until a few years ago, so I think it's GREAT that you have her in counseling! I went thru a very "rebellious" stage when I was 14. I never did anything my mom told me and was very defiant. I don't think it was because I was molested, just a simple fact that it was the age that I wanted to rebel.

My mom continued to discipline me as well as show her love for me. She ended up putting me in a Christian HS and I really think that's what helped turn me around!

I would encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. Keep reminding her that she's loved and that you are here to talk to her if needed.

If you would like to chat, send me a PM.

Take care!
J.

Your doing all the right things for your daughter, giving her love, being there, being a stay at home M. is a huge plus, she needs you more than ever now, no matter how much she pulls away. However, the only way for her to get through this is intense therapy, if she doesn't deal with this now, and get help, the pattern can continue and she can have more issues develop in her young adult hood. If the counceling isn't working well, find other therapists, until she finds one she loves. Preferrably one who deals with molestation. Also check to see if there are any support groups too. Take care!

T.,

I was molested myself at age 7 and it was a very hard time for me. The only thing that ever happened to the person who did it to me was a slap on the hand though. I was going through the whole court thing at age 14 and I was 15 or 16 is when it was all over and I didn't agree or like the fact that all he received was a slap on the hand. So I can kind of see where you are and where she is with this. If you would like to talk in person, I am a very open person and would love to talk. Please email me at ____@____.com ...

Thanks,
L.

I sadly understand how your daughter is feeling. I am a 29 year old SAHM who was molested many times by family members starting when I was five. I started therapy this past July because it was starting to interfere with my life more than I wanted to admit. As crazy as it all is, how she is behaving is what they say is normal. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that and it drives me crazy! She is feeling less than, her self worth is more than likely shot and she is spinning out of control. I never had the experience of going to trial but I am sure it's making her relive all that has happened to her over and over again. It's a hard place to be in when making a decision like that. Do you let the scum walk free to do this to another child or do you put a stop to it all by hurting your daughter. No hurt is intentional by any means, but reliving it is so very hurtful. We all handle these kinds of things differently. It sounds like your situation and hers are like night and day. She is giving you her anger that she cannot give anyone else because you are the closest person to her. I don't think she knows who to truly be angry at.

As for the loss of respect for her self, I really believe it's from what has happened. I am just now learning how to respect myself and value who I am. My mom died when I was 18, and I had a six month old baby that I didn't know what to do with. I rebelled from the time I was 14 until I was in my early twenty's. I don't want to scare you with that last sentence, but I just wanted to forget everything and go numb. Anyone who would show me attention or affection was someone I wanted to be around no matter what they were doing. Right or wrong with these people I felt important. She is rebelling no doubt about it, please try and be patient. She is going through a lot. Part of it is the age and the other part of it is only enlarged by this whole ordeal. Keep being there for her. Make yourself available to her when she's ready, don't hound her for conversation or explanations of feelings. Just be there when she's ready to talk. That means more that what you may think. Even through all the anger and hurt she is showing and causing, she's a little girl needing her mommy. You are doing the right thing by having her in counseling. I don't know if you're religious or spiritual, but maybe praying to whoever your higher power is might help. I wish I could give you both a hug. This is no easy road to travel.

Hi T.,
I'm so sorry to hear what your daughter and family are going through. I don't have much advise other than reminding her that she is so worthy of respect. I think she may feel unworthy of respect because of what happened. Remind her that she is God's very special creation and a good person worthy of happiness. I would pray with her and help her reach out to God. I wish you all the best. Your daughter and family will be in my prayers.
E.

T.- Before I had children I worked a lot with kids in this situation. I think it would be a good to have both of you see the counselor so you have some tools to help her. She is angry and mad at everyone and probably feels a big sense of distrust. She may blame herself and you all, even though neither of you are to blame. I think her behavior is very normal and I don't think you can expect to just "stop it". She will need some time to heal but I think you staying with your rules and being active are great ways for her to come back to what she's comfortable with. This is truly a sad and awful thing for anyone to endure. I might also suggest making sure you've picked the best possible therapist. This work is so crucial and so is having someone your daughter can trust and open up to. I hope that helps and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with all of this. K.

Well I think you are on the right track. Keep her in therapy. Maybe you should attend as well to see how you can be more supportive. Her age is definalty a factor. 14, 15 and 16 are very hard years anyway and when you add other issues it can make it so much worse. I think you should continue to use your resources, like the therapist you already have. If you think you are seeing progress concider switching her therapist. You need to find the best fit for her. I hope this helps.

I really don't have any real great advice but there has to be someway to help her. Probably after the whole trial is over she will feel better. It is a constant reminder of the things that went on. Just continue being strong but also confirm to her hat is was not her fault and that it is over. I have been in the same situation myself and I had no one to help me so keep her in the counseling and get her involved with a sport or something that keeps her occupied and gives he self confidence which will be a challange be cause that man took it from her. Maybe get her involved in a church group with people that will comfort her. And show her that she can move on.
I hope that everything works out!
T. T

I have never had this experience myself, but I was moved by your request and just wanted to let you know. Your family is in my prayers now and I hope all goes well with you guys and that the trial my help her bring some closure into her life. You are doing a wonderful job with her from the sounds of it, keep loving her and soon things shall turn around. God bless.

Hi T.,

First of all, I just have to tell you how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this! It really sounds like you are handling things extremely well. One thought I had though was concerning the counselor. The whole point of going to a counselor is to get help... So if this counselor isn't helping and things don't seem to be improving with this counselor, I would strongly suggest going to a different one. There are unfortunately MANY not so great counselors out there that don't really know what they're doing (not saying this is the case with yours, but it could be). And sometimes a particular person just won't really click well with a certain counselor, also. I'm not sure where you live, but my mom is in the doctorate program at UNLV for psychology, so she knows some great counselors here in Las Vegas. If you happen to be in Vegas, I could give you some recommendations if you'd like. It's great that you're taking her to a counselor... But a counselor should be helping her work through these issues. If your daughter is acting out and obviously doesn't seem to know how to handle everything that's going on with her, then the couselor isn't doing his/her job. Anyway, I hope things work out for you and your daughter... You're in my thoughts and prayers!

C.

It sounds like you are doing everything a parent can do: maintaining communication, setting and inforcing rules, counceling, etc. Research shows that teens brains aren't fully developed and that they tend to act with the "emotional" part of the brain verses the "rational" part of the brain. There are great books on teens. Try doing a search on amazon for "teen development" and "teen girls" You'll be overwhelmed with the amount of information, but you can pick and choose what applies to your families situation. (note: I'm not an expert, but my job has helped me learn quite a bit about teens and some about parenting teens). Good luck!

I think the most powerful answer is prayer, along with a Christian counselor who has dealt with this problem before. The age makes everything worse I am sure, but only God can actually heal this. You may need healing as well. Giving your constant love to her and reaffirming that you know this is not her fault are also helpful. A good youth group at Church may help her find friends that lead the right direction as well. It is important to take advantage of this time, before she turns eighteen, to do all you can for her.

Hi T.. I had a similar experience with my son at about the same age and a male school teacher. It will take your daughter time, but she will get through it. Counselling is helpful, even though it may not seem like it yet. One thing that really helped us was to get a punching bag that we set up in the garage. Anger is a valid emotion, and it shouldn't be suppressed. The punching bag allowed my son to express his anger in a more appropriate way, and the acting out was greatly reduced.

I am so terribly sorry for your daughter and your family to have to endure this awful thing that has effected you all. Try another counselor if the one you are going to isn't making progress. Nothing will be a magic fix. Whether you got over it in your childhood or not is a whole different matter for your daughter. We all handle trauma differently and you need to accept whatever it is she is going through and just continue to be supportive, loving and reassuring. There are no magic answers or no magic fix, but you as a parent just needs to remain empathetic and not compare your experience to hers. Rules shouldn't stop, however you need to remind yourself she isn't feeling like herself right now at all. Her life is forever changed....

I, too, was molested when I was about that age. And the things she's doing are normal. I went through counciling as well. I hope you're not expecting this to just evaporate. It's going to take TIME for her to work through this. It's not going to be a quick healing process. Just keep being supportive, loving, and keep up on the house hold rules. She's testing you to see if you're going to "be the Mom" no matter what. Discipline her when necessary... she not only needs it, but actually wants it - she may not "know" she wants it, but she does! And keep up on her counciling. If you're not sure her councilor is the right one, search out a better one. And you should concider counciling for yourself... for your past, and to find out how to possibly help her better. And best of all, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! It works wonders.

Hi T.,
Your daughter has been broken. She has not lost respect for you. She was disrespected.
There are break through seminars that allow a person
to release the negative energy etc. I am sure sorry and I hope the molester gets counsiling and time served.
It takes decades for the child and the mind to develop
and come to terms with the violation.
All she wants is to be put back together again.
Prayers and Love..
Warmly,
C.

You are dealing with a terrible tragedy for your daughter. Please keep taking her to counseling. There will be times when it feels like it's not working as fast as you want it to, but as you know, molestation can stay with you for a long long time and can create major problems in her future relationships. I hate to say this, but you daughter's counselor is correct, much of what she's going through is "normal". But keeping that in mind, that doesn't mean that her behavior has to be "acceptable". You still must have parental boundaries and be firm, fair, and consistent. Your most important job as a mother of a teenage girl is to do your best not to take what she does personally. Her hormones and body are going through huge changes right now. Put on top of that what she went through, and you can imagine how chaotic she must feel on the inside. In addition to keeping her in counseling, tell her how much you love her, frequently, try not to take things personally, and be firm fair and consistent with your behavioral boundaries and consequence. I hope this helps!

I had a similar experience around her age. It sounds like you are doing everything that needs to be done. It just takes time of doing those persistent things that are healing for her. There is a roller coaster of emotions for about 6 months-1 year that gets easier and easier as time passes. Just keep it up! Here are a few suggestions:
- Keep encouraging her to do church things. A connection to God is crucial for her healing.
- Make sure her counselor is actually helping her. It took me a while to find someone that I really clicked with. Once I did, everything really started improving.
- If there is something physical that she likes to do that can help her get her aggression out, it will help her process the emotions in a healthier way and give her a self esteem boost. She should definitely keep doing the softball or chearleading.
- Feeling like I would have power over being in that kind of situation again was important to me. If she's at all interested in martial arts, get her into a martial art she likes. Martial arts is so good for teens' self-worth, self-respect, and discipline. If she's not interested in that, get her into a self-defense class for women. Me & my mom did a self-defense class especially for women that give you tricks and awareness of how to handle those situations. Also, at the end of the class, they put you in a real situation, and it was really empowering and healing to get out of it successfully. They have Rape Escape locally: http://www.rapeescape.com/instructors_west.htm. Andrea Lore is actually a friend of mine and is a wonderful person if you want to try her. She's in Tempe, but there are lots of instructors all over the valley.
- Encourage her to keep being social and to surround herself with friends that are good for her. Staying connected with others and being social is important.
- Keep being supportive. Keep a good balance of offering support and giving her space to heal. Make special mother/daughter time for her. Let her know you're not going to pressure anything out of her, but that she can talk to you about anything anytime.

Hope this helps!
V

T.,
I watched my little sister go through a similiar situation. She went through it twice, once right after it happened, and again 5 years later when she went through puberty. It was really hard for my mom. I think that in this case my mom held more anger (and guilt) than my sister. The hard thing is that it sounds like you are doing everything right, counseling, being there for her, lots of love, security, etc. I was date raped at 18 and it took years and a lot of maturity before I was able to let go of it all. The thing that facilitated the end was a friend of mine doing acupunture and energy work on me, but I don't know how much that helped. I know it did, but I also know that something in my brain just finally clicked. I all of a sudden was able to make sense of the whole thing, and see my life ahead of me in a positive clear light. The incident seemed so small in comparison. It took a lot of time and maturing though for me to get to that spot. Perseverence may be the key for you right now. Pray for support and strength. Keep trying to instill the vision of who she can become. Help her in little ways to see her having a normal, good productive life in the future. Help her to serve others, this usually makes your own problems seem smaller when you see that others have problems too, as well as makes you feel productive and helps you see that you have value as a contributing citizen, family member, or neighbor.

My sister focused on God, some of us even thought she was taking it a bit far (she seemed a little holier than thou at times) but she has mellowed and become a beautiful 26 year old with two amazing kids and a wonderful husband. There is a future out there. I have six kids and a wonderful husband. Service is key in both of our lives.
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you. Stay strong.

Hi T.,
I went to a program called LIFT for life (Look Inside For Truth) it can be an amazing help when you feel stuck in your life or even when you think you’re doing just fine. It’s an intensive 3 day work shop where you basically go through all your emotions, clearing up built up anger, rediscovering who you are and realizing true love for people. I can’t say enough good things about the program, I don’t know anyone who’s been through it who didn’t feel like it changed their life in some way. They get down to the core of how you feel with out you ever really talking about particular issues, which can be nice for people who don’t necessarily want to discuss things. It is a bit expensive but worth it. I would also suggest at least you going with your daughter. The workshop is an incredible bonding experience, I was lucky to be able to go through it with my dad and my sister. Then later I went back to assist (once you go through the first time you can return as many times as you want after for free to assist others going through for the first time which should be done at least once because it’s a whole different experience) with another sister and my step-mom whom I’ve always had issues with, that cleared up a lot between us.
If you’re interested you can email me with any questions. Or Just call Suzan, she does the workshops her e-mail is: ____@____.com and I believe her home phone # is: ###-###-####.
The workshops are usually monthly and I think there will be one on the 24th through the 26th this month.

Good luck, I'm sure things will work out just fine.
Lena

She probably has alot of hurt, anger, guilt & shame that she can't let out so it comes out in the form of anger & acting out to those she loves & is closest to. On top of that she is 14. It may be difficult but try to find a support group or maybe an online group that she can go to & talk to people, other kids, about what she is has been through & is going through.
Keep reassuring her and be patient. It could take years for her to work through what she is feeling. Children always blame themselves for the bad things that happen in their lives. She is probably struggling with alot of guilt.
Hang in there, Mom. She needs you now more than ever.

Dear T.,

I feel for your circumstances. I was raped twice in my 20's, once by gun point.
The only thing that got me through it was the support and fellowship of other Christians. I am now 55 and God has blessed me with hope and peace and with the love and encouragement of others in my faith for 30 years. If you do not have a church home, may I suggest Southeast Christian Church on Jordan Rd. in Parker? They have a great youth program, and counciling, I know that you and your family would receive the love and guidance that is needed in your situation. The Pastors name is Todd Hudson.

I have 3 children ages 17, 15 and 25. (My 25 y/o was taken advantage of by her best friends boyfriend at the same age as your daughter, however I did not know this until she was almost 19.) She is a mom of 2 boys, ages 2 and 4 1/2. Again, I cannot stress enough, the Lord will get you through this.

Love and Blessings,
C.

My heart goes out to you in such a big way! I've never dealt with molestation issues for myself or anyone near me (that I know of) but I could just feel your love and pain comming through your message. It brought tears to my eyes. My advice just comes from one caring soul to another. I believe her age may have some to do with her behavior. I remember 14 being very volitile. And to add her tragic experience could only make her stage in life more confusing. It sounds like you are doing one of the greatest things for her in just being there all of the time. If she knows that you are a constant loving presence in her life she will come out of this a safe and secure woman. The fact that you love and accept her no matter what has happened to her, no matter what mood she is, no matter how she treats you lays a foundation of trust and support between you. The only other advice I can offer is to try a yoga class together. As a yoga teacher myself I know that yoga helps build self-confidence, self-respect, self-acceptance. And these virtues are then expressed back out into the world. Feel free to contact me if you would like a recommendation of where you might find an appropriate yoga class. Hang in there and know that LOVE conquers all. Peace! C. C

I to was molested has a child my parnets put me in therpy but it was a group setting so I could see that I was not alone also they put me in a craetive thinking/art class it was really helpful. Best of luck I will say a prayer for you.

I've been through several years of counseling and treatment.
I'm disturbed to hear that counselors have stated that this behavior is "normal". It may be usual behavior for victims of molestation, but it is not normal and treatment goals should be to work through this kind of behavior as quickly as possible.
Her anger is also usual, but needs to be correctly directed and not displaced anger.
Most victims believe they are to blame for what happened to them, and until they come to the place that they know and believe that it's not their fault the displaced anger will continue.
I have found that group therapy is by far the most effective, with the one on one as a reinforcement treatment.
Groups provide a safe place to share it all as well as a basis for realizing that she's not alone.
Most of all groups are able to call victims on their lies, facades, and twin personalities.
Get yourself and your daughter in group therapy ASAP, then get your whole family in group therapy if it's available.
Since the responsible perpetrators are know they should be obligated and willing to pay any and all treatment costs.
Bill

T.,

I was molested as a preteen and I did a lot of sexual acting out as a teen. My parents treated me differently and that was hard to deal with. They never 1. told me it wasn't my fault, 2. told me they didn't blame me, 3. told me that it would all be okay and we'd get through it and 4. never talked to me about it. The whole experience made me feel dirty and like there was something wrong with me and it was my fault. Counseling is great but you also have to keep reinforcing the unconditional love, the fact that it isn't her fault and you don't blame her. If you could get her involved with a church youth group or something I think that would really help (I didn't have any positive peer role models to help me figure out "how to go from here" sex wise). One thing that did help me tremendously is my mom let me get a puppy. The unconditional love of that dog saved me in many ways. Good luck in finding some help for your family.

T.

Hi T.,

It sounds like your daughter has been comfortable talking to you about things so that is good. She may be going through things that are "Normal" because of what happened but that doesn't mean she doesn't need help to deal with them. This is something that is difficult to deal with. She may do well sometimes but with a range of emotions and raging hormones plus the added confusion because of what happened to her, she has alot to deal with at such a young age.

I think praying with her and for her (Daily) is so important because God can help in ways we cannot imagine. Do you like the counselor? Maybe there is another counselor that could be more helpful. Also, what about getting her a "Big Sister". Maybe she needs someone older to take an interest in her and who help her to feel important and special. Someone new in her life who would be a good influence.

Hope this helps.