Need Advice on Mother/daughter Relationships from Moms Who've Been There

Dear J.,

Be steady and consistent. Have your special time with your darling daughter when daddy is not around so you don't feel like you're in competition. It is very important for girls to be loved appropriately by their fathers so they know how to be loved appropriately by their husbands much later in life.

Some mother/daughter relationships are close bonds all the way through, and some definately have conflict. I would say the conflict is not predominant, but girls take EMOTIONAL energy and boys take PHYSICAL energy.

Your consistent love and respect for her will build a solid base of trust - one that may not be recognized until much later. But be positive and focus on HAVING a wonderful relationship one moment at a time. Try not to "what if" yourself into ever-present conflict.

After much of a roller coaster, and a couple of challenging teenage years, I am happy to say that my daughter and I love, trust and respect one another tremendously. And THIS is VERY special - as I am certain I was detested with passion only 2 years ago!

Every child is different and some push back more than others. Some spew venom at those they love most because they KNOW they will still be loved even when they do.

I encourage you to change your own level of expectation for your relationship, and be glad your daughter HAS a father to love and adore her. It is easy to feel rejected in your circumstances and, as women, sometimes these emotions are more deeply felt. Please KNOW that you CAN enjoy many wonderful years with your daughter!

Mom of 4: 19yr girl, 11yr boy, 6 yr boy, and baby due 10/1.

Hi J.,
I have so been there, but with my son, and your relationship is definitely not doomed. The mother/son thing isn't an absolute truth by any stretch. I know how much it hurts to hear "I want Daddy" all the time. I had to bite my tongue and remember that kids do go through phases and tat I couldn't take the words and behaviors of such a young child personally. This phase lasted a couple of years with my son, and then suddenly he started asking for me. One thing I didn't realize until my husband told me is that, on the rare occasion that my husband picked up my son from preschool and I came home later, my son asked for me. It was bad enough that I didn't truly believe my husband at first. My husband had a hard time maintaining rules with our son and kind of inadvertantly turned me into the bad guy (as I was usually the one to enforce rules). I talked to him about it, and he worked hard to make some changes. My husband had had a difficult relationship with his mom (he was always afraid of being in trouble and she had a hard time connecting emotionally). When I spoke to a therapist about what was happening, she said that often people who have not worked through their issues with their own parents have these issues pop up when they themselves become parents. Please try to remember that your daughter is not hurting you on purpose and that, for awhile, you need to give yourself the pats on the back for being a good mom that she isn't currently giving you. Also, please consider talking to a counselor about your unresolved feelings about your relationship with your mother. The only thing that could really "doom" your relationship with your daughter at this point is projecting your issues with your mom onto your relationship with your daughter. The relationships are separate, and you cannot try to work out the hurt you have from your mom through your daughter. You need to work them out within yourself. For what it's worth, my son eventually grew out of this stage and gives me tons of hugs and kisses and loves to do activities with me. When he was your daughter's age, I would have never believed that he would show me so much love now.

No relationship is doomed. You can absolutely have a wonderful and loving relationship with your daughter. I have three children and each has taken turns going through mommy or daddy phases, where they only want "the chosen" parent. You need to know that your daughter loves you both and you can't take it personally. If she senses stress, it might confuse her and she might think that your upset with her. The best thing you can do is to enjoy your beautiful family for the way that it is. You obviously have a loving husband and daughter and that says a lot about you. Every relationship is unique and I've known many mothers and daughters that are very close. It might be helpful to find someone to talk to about the issues that you had with your mother. I have a feeling that this is more about your own fears and insecurities and less about the love that your daughter has for you.

Little girls do tend to favor their fathers just as little boys tend to favor their mothers - there's nothing you can do about that - it's just a fact of nature. But it doesn't mean that you can't have a good relationship with your daughter as well. She will grow out of her infatuation with her father as she gets older and you and she will become closer as she gets older and needs to talk to mom about things like boys, make-up, etc. But you could plan some mother/daughter activities for you and she to enjoy together to help develop that special relationship between the two of you. Mother/daughter relationships are VERY hard and you have to remember that you have to be her mom, not her friend.

I'm just a little further ahead of you as my daughter is ~23 months, but she's a second child. Kids really do go through phases, and I've seen both my son and daughter come to me for nurturing and cuddling, and go to their dad for silliness.

Embrace it for now. Enjoy that your husband finally gets his turn, as that first year dads get no love. I don't think that this is a sign that you won't be close to your daughter. I know that as I personally have grown, there were times I was closer to my mom or my dad. Dating, going off to college, getting married, having kids - all of these things brought me close to my mom. Picking out the right dress for prom that didn't make me look 12 - heh - that was a dad time :) Anyway, as long as you don't try to control your daughter, I don't see any reason why you guys shouldn't be great friends throughout life, and I swear this is NOT an indicator of your future relationship.

It's a common phase. Also, your being *aware* of the conflicts you've had with your own mom and don't want to repeat them with your daughter means you're already making great progress in fostering a healthy relationship with your daughter - IMHO we're much more likely to repeat our parents' mistakes if we're in denial over the possibility that we'd make them.

So keep doing what you're doing and rest assured that your daughter's "daddy" phase doesn't mean she loves him more, just as none of us with more than one child love one child more than the others.