Need Advice on How to Deal with Tantrums

It looks like you're getting some good advice. I say try everything until you find what works for yours. My son just turned 3. My pet peeve is when he screams. (I've written about it on Mamasource.) I used to get angry and put him in the corner for timeout or in his room. This only made him scream more. Now I try to talk to him first, or see if I can tell what's going on. Many times he just needs a good hug. I pick him up and say "Why are you screaming? Talk to mommy. You want a cookie, huh? And you're disappointed because you can't have one." If he cooperates with me, I will hold him and hug him and it will be over. He just needed some attention. Sometimes he is just having a bad day and needs a good cry, but he screams instead. If he's not cooperative and talks to me, I will put him in the "scream corner" and tell him when he's ready he can join me and his sister. Usually he'll either quit after one or two short screams. Or, he'll start to "real cry" with tears. When I see tears I know that he's feeling some kind of emotion and I will immediately go to him and he will cry while I rub his back or rock him. I have learned that since toddlers can't verbalize what they're feeling, all they can really do is get angry and have a fit, or cry. So I try to be more compassionate and understanding. Afterwards we feel bonded again, instead of mad at each other. I like it much better and so does he. :)

This story is repeated at my family functions regularly.

I was almost 3 and out shopping with my mom. There was some little toy I wanted an mom was not going for it. I was laying on the floor kicking and screaming. My mother got down in my face and said until you can behave yourself like a good girl I'm not going to give you any attention. She then grabbed a hold of the bottom of my pants and continued to walk through the mall - that's right dragging me across the floor. She of course was given lots of dirty looks by the other people in the store but she held her ground. After about 2 minutes I gave up. She looked down at me and asked me if I was ready to be a good girl. I nodded yes and we continued shopping. That was it, my only tantrum.

I'm not saying you should go dragging your son through the mall but let him know that it's unacceptable and until he behaves himself he will be ignored (a friend of mine puts her son in his stroller with a blanket over it so he can not see or be seen, it seems to work for her.)

Good luck

Hello C..

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. She's pretty good and timeouts work for us. However, before the "time-out" days, she did throw one huge feet pounding and yelling tantrum at the mall. I knelt down (looking at her eye level) and said in a very firm voice "stop this nonsense right now and if you don't I'm going to walk away." Or something to that effect. She kept on and I literally walked away. She cried and screamed following me but I ignored her. After about 5 mintues (seemed like 30), I stopped, turned to her and she stopped. Ever since then, she hasn't thrown any tantrums. She does fight with her older brother and she does get sassy and when she does that, she gets her time out. And she hates that. Not sure if this is going to help you. But it's work the try. Good Luck!

When my son has a melt down it is my fault, his blood sugar level could be low, he was over stimulated and out of routine, some days he requires more hugs/one on one attention and reward for good behavior.
When we do have our meltdowns I go through a check list, it makes it easier for me to understand his needs.
When I feel like I have done all I can do and he is still very upset about his needs that might not be appropriate at the time, I gently let him know that I hear what he is saying and it is perfectly o.k. to want things and be frustrated, and he can have time to be frustrated. I will tell him that I will give him space to let it go, it's o.k. to cry and when he is done I give him a big hug and let him know that it is always good to use our words so we can all understand each other.
When we are in the store, and he starts to loose it, I ask him to keep it together or we have to go outside.
We have had to go out side to get our composure back together. His emotions are more important then me needing to buy carrots at the moment.

I also have a 3 1/2 year old and she is an only child too. I started her in pre-school/daycare when she was 2 1/2, part-time, which was 2 days a week. She threw a lot of tantrums during that time and we used time-outs too. It wasn't until she started going to pre-school full-time that the majority of the tantrums stopped, especially the ones she used to have when I would drop her off at school. I think it just took some time for her to get used to the teacher, other kids and the rules.

I also read that once kids get home from school, they may misbehave more since they have been on their "good" behavior all day at school. They feel more comfortable being themselves and "pushing the limits" at home where they know they are loved unconditionally. Unfortunately, this only makes this worse for us parents.

So perhaps sending your son 3 days a week or more to school may help him ease into a routine and help minimize the tantrums...hope that helps!

Hi C.,
I had a horrible time with tantrums with my now 4 year old son. We made some real progress in his threes with these suggestions. If you have already said no, under no circumstances can you give in. If you do, your teaching him that throwing a fit works. Depending on what the tantrum is regarding, if it is because he wants something and you have said no, then you have to stick to it, no matter what he does or how embarrassing it may be. Also, before we go into any store, I calmly explain my expectations to my son. For example, I will say, we are going into the store to pick up our prescriptions. You may walk as long as you hold my hand. We are not buying anything else and you are not to touch anything. If he knows what to expect and what I expect of him, he almost always complies. If he starts to whine or touch things, I calmly remind him of our discussion in the car. That is the other thing, to remain calm when he starts to tantrum, which can be very difficult, especially in public. But he will feed off your anxiety and scream more if you get agitated. For tantrums at home we would just tell our son that we were not going to discuss anything with him until he calms down and send him to his room. We would tell him when he is calm to call for us and we will go in and discuss what happened. If we go in and he starts crying again, we say, your not calm, let us know when you have calmed down. When he is calm, we make sure we go in to talk about why he was so upset, put him on our lap and hold him to let him know we do love him, but explain that his behavior was unacceptable. As a last resort, we take away something that is very important to him for a day. For our son, his prized possession is his bike. I always give a warning that if his behavior doesn't stop by the time I count to three that he will lose his bike for the rest of the day. Then I count to three. If the object they are losing is important enough to them, they will stop the behavior. I also try to make sure we have regular snacks during the day and that when we go out, he has stuff to keep him entertained since nothing is more boring to a 3 year old than a grocery store or a clothing store. Also, making sure you're not running errands when he is tired and already cranky helps too. If all else feels, I would recommend reading "The Happiest Toddler on the Block", I have a friend who swears by his methods. Good luck and consistency is key. I can happily say my son just turned four and we have almost no tantrums now.