Need Advice on Father's and Their Selfishness

Hi M.,

I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. I can understand your daughter's disinterest in seeing her dad.

Is the dad a decent dad when he does show her attention, or is he not a great guy to begin with? If he's a fairly decent guy who is just dropping the ball right now, you might want to help your daughter work through this tough time with her dad. If he's not a great role model or good dad to begin with, and he's not paying attention to her or paying child support, limiting your daughter's time with him (while at the same time helping your daughter heal the grief - not becoming a victim - and helping her focus on what is great about her life and future)might be the next step. You'd need to check with your attorney first before making any decision if you do stop visitation.

It seems like there are a lot of issues at play here, so the best way to know what to do is to sort those out first. Is this a financial issue? Are you wanting to keep your daughter from her dad because he's not paying child support? Is it unsafe or emotionally unhealthy for your daughter to be with her dad? Is this typical behavior between you and your ex? Bottom line, you want to get to what is in your daughter's best interest for the long run, and then you'll know what to do (and as a divorced mom myself, I KNOW that we often have to do what is best for our kids even if it feels unfair to us). Weigh all the factors objectively, listen to your heart and then I think you'll be able to make a decision you & your daughter can be at peace with.

I hope this is helpful to you. As I said, I'm a divorced mom with two teenagers so I understand. I'm also a Divorce Recovery Coach for Divorced Moms and work with moms going through similar challenges. I help divorced moms move on with their lives in positive and productive ways, which includes dealing with a difficult ex. There are lots of free resouces and support available on my site, www.SoloMama.com. Please take advantage if you feel you need some support.

You sound like a loving and devoted mother. Take good care of yourself and I send the very best to you and your daughter.

Stay strong,
J. R.
www.SoloMama.com
____@____.com
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You didn't mention how old your daughter is. If she is very young then you shouldn't let her make this decision now. She may as the other lady mentioned, change her mind later. However, I would try to follow her lead and limit her time there. Perhaps you could explain to your x that it's a phase she needs to go through. If he is going to be a part of her life then you need to be able to discuss your daughter's welfare with him. You will need to be highly diplomatic in dealing with him at this stage and try to maintain communication. If he isn't open to discussions about what's best for your daughter, then I would severly limit her contact with him.

The issue here is not that he has four children of his own plus whatever from his wife and you only have one. The issue here is HE GAVE UP CUSTODY of your daughter. He has NO RIGHTS as a parent. Your daughter choses not to have a relationship with him at this time. I'm confused why you are hurt that your daughter does not want to spend time with a man who renounced her in order to get out of paying to support her. I'm confused why your are hurt because your daughter doesn't want to spend time with her father who doesn't pay any attention to her when she visits him. It sounds to me that your daughter has a better sense of self esteem than you do.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to meditate.
It will help center you and help you find inner peace and happiness. You are doing a great job without him.
http://www.wildmind.org/

this hits a sore spot with me!!! this very thing happened to me when i was 7. my dad (whom i loved very much!)was cheating on my mom & she threw him out. he went to live with the other woman & she already had 4 children. i remember going there (this was in 1967! LOL!) once or twice & feeling verrry uncomfortable...& cheated! that was "MY" dad, not theirs. as time went by my mother refused any help from him & we had to go on welfare. he left the state, married that woman & he called to see how i was doing a couple of times but i refused to talk to him. i never heard from him again until i was 13. my mother had passed away & my older sister called him to tell him & he offered to raise me...i was given the choice & refused. so i lived with my sister & her husband. when i was 16 he showed up on our doorstep with $$$ for me. it was my 16th birthday (he didnt even know it) & i was covered with chicken pox. my sister had asked him for $$$ for me since she was raising me (still on welfare) & he chose to drive the $$$ out in person. i did not see him again until i was 30! i had started thinking at the age of 18 i became a mother & now wanted to forgive & forget the past with my dad. i had sent him a lonnng letter but it came back to me...return to sender...not at this address. as the years went on i tried to find him & finally did through his mother. all of us siblings reconnected with him. although strained, i am glad i found him. we tried to reconnect & it was not easy but the love was still there. he had many regrets, including losing my mom. she died at the hands of her second husband at 38 & he felt responsible for her life. however... he was still married to the woman he cheated on her with. i got to know her too & found her to be very nice. she also told me my dad suffered from guilt. well, i was glad to have reconnected with my dad & now miss him very much. he died in 2005, 15 years after i got to know him (which was a challenge since he lived in az. & me in ca.) he drowned in a boating accident just after he retired. he was fit & healthy & only 74 & still a body builder.
my own kids dad...dead-beat, crack-head. not the man i was once married to. i only saw child support for a few years but because of my situation with my own dad i always encouraged hope & forgiveness. my 30 year old son has somewhat of a relationship with him finally but my 28 year old son hates him.
you just don't know what life will bring your way! there is no way to predict the outcome of your decision. my mom had three kids with my dad & we all handled it differently as have my own kids. just love your daughetr & encourage her to forgive, it is good for the soul. i would not force her to go to her dads house though. he will always be her father & when the time comes, she can see him on her terms. i think forcing her into an uncomfortable situation is hurtful to her. let him see her alone or at your house not with "her" kids! your daughetr will adjust just fine. trials make us better people allthough they hurt at the time & no one wants to see their kids suffer!!! my heart goes out to you!!!

M. I am sorry you are having to go through this. I am a single mother and my daughters' father is selfish yet he refused to give up custody. He was upset when the DA ordered him to pay more child support than what I thought was fair. Although they garnished his wages, he still purposely doesn't work to pay child support but then again his unemployment checks abd tax returns are also garnished. He married antoher woman and has 2 boys with her and his ways haven't changed. When my daughters were smaller they felt forced to go with him and ended up comming back broken hearted,scared & upset. He wouldn't pay any attention to them except to tell them to get him a beer from the refrigerator. As adults 19 & 22, they hate to spend any time with him becuase of his seflishness and just his personality. My youngest (19)has already told me 2 weeks ago she is not wasting her sunday (fathers day) on him. She feels when he had the time to be a better father & all the years he wasted by not really spending time with them,is too late to make up for now. I never pushed them to go see him. They stopped visitng him after a few years(maybe 2 1/2) because they felt he didn't really want to spend time with them. He pushed them off with his wife(at the time his girlfriend)and her family. He refused to take them to see his side of the family-their paternal aunt,grandparents or cousins. Just simply out of being selfish not because he was trying to spend quality time with them. Just last Christams he lied to my daughters by telling them his parents and sister/brothers and their kids(cousins)were no going to be around for their annual Christmas eve, so my daughters decided to go to his house for only 2 hours and come back home-which they would normally all go this mothers house for Christmas eve. The day after Christmas I had to take a fmauily member back home -near their father's parents home late at night as an unxpected trip so I thought we would go vist the grandmother for a little bit. We foudn out they had their Christmas eve celbration as tradition and she called their father(her own son) to tell him they would be at her home as usual that Christmas eve morning. My daughter was really upset but not as much as his own parents. My daughters were not surprised..and frankly neither was I. Again pure selfishness on his part. Since there was no court order -not required by law) for visitation with him nor did he have custoday-also not required by law, he couldn't do much. Yet he still refused to sign over custody. Based off what you have written and my experience in the last 20+ years, I would not force your daughter to go see him or encourage it. First off, he signed over custody. He hasn't made any attempts to spend quality time with her or take her on his own without his new family to spend time with her so there doesn't seem to be any legal reason or his part of interest. I honestly feel there is no need to pressure your daughter into going to see him if she is now figuring out on her own what her father's interest is in her. I firmly beieve once a child has reached the realization of what a parent's intent is by their actions or non actions they know in their heart what the truth is on that parents intent and how they feel-they don't want to hurt that way each time they are forced to go see that parent. Just take sime time and think about it. If you were not her mother, would you force her to go see her father who isn't showing strong intereat in speding time with her who legally gave up custody of her-regardless of the reason? Good luck...

I am not sure why the dad gave up custody, unless you asked him to, but can I just say this, He is a Pig, and I don't blame her for not wanting to go with him. Just because he gave up custody, as a single parent of her, I would go back to the courts and sue him , is it better to have a dad that you see little of, Dr Laura would say yes, that fact he gave up on this darling daughter, was the day he said she isn't my daughter anymore. Again can I call him a Pig once more !!

Hello,

I can only speak from experience, so I am hoping what I have to say will benefit you. I am a single mom of 3 children and my ex-husband has never really been a part of their life and it has affected my children a great deal. I thank God that I have raised my children in a Godly home with Christian principles and have taught them no matter their father does or doesn't do, he is still their father and will always be their father. There were times my children at different stages in their life became bitter, hurt and angry and didn't want anything to do with him. And who could blame them, they were children with valid reasons for feeling the way that they felt. However, as they got older, they were able to love him and see beyond his faults and because of that they are able to live their young lives without carrying around this bitterness and anger towards their father. I truly believe because they have learned this at an early age they will be better human beings and caring people in a world that is so selfish and self-centered. What we teach our children today will affect what decisions they make in their future. Teach your child to love her father and respect him. Maybe she is too young to understand now, but you will know that you have used wisdom not to far in the future when you child can go through life without anger and bitterness towards someone that she really loves and really wants him in her life. All children want and need their dad, however, unfortunately, this world is full of selfish and irresponsible people. I really hope this helps, I can only speak in this manner because I have lived what you are living and I thank God for his loving grace that has seen us through. God bless you and your family.

If I understand correctly; if your daughter's father gave up custody of her, and if he does not provide any support, then he does not deserve to have your daughter in his life. And, more importantly, given those circumstances, if your daughter is ignored by her father, mad to fell unwanted by him, and doesnt want to see him, then she shouldn't have to. What is best for your daughter should always be most important. My son's (19 months) father doesnt support us at all, and he won't enjoy the privilege of knowing my son either! If when my son gets older, he wants to know his father, and if his father is willing, then maybe they can try to have a relationship then, but ONLY if my son WANTS to! Your daughter deserves to feel loved and cared for, and if her father is to much of a selfish idiot to recognize the blessing that his child is, then he doesnt deserve to even pretend that he is a father!!
Blessings to you and your daughter!