Need Advice on a 5 Year Old Having Problems in School

Get an evaluation by a child psychiatrist or psychologist, who can look at the possibility of ADHD, and what else could be contributing to his behavior problems. It sounds like it could be ADHD ( I'm a child psychiatrist and see a lot of similar children)

Sounds to me like this teacher may not be a good fit for him. Contrary to popular belief teachers and schools are not one size fits all. Do some research, see if can find a better teacher and/or school for him.

A., How much time has your son had at home with you? Are you consistent with discipline? To me, it sounds like he is a typical little boy who wants to run and play. Little boys (and girls!) are not made to be institutionalized. Some react stronger against it than others. Children need a loving home environment, full time. How old was he when he first went off to someone else's care? You said he was in preschool, now regular school, and after school care. Poor kid. What type of hours is he keeping at other than home activities? I know this will not be a popular response, but I think he is acting the way he is because he is miserable. I would hate that life if it were me. I remember only small snipets of time being in a nursery/daycare type of atmosphere as a child. I loathed it. I wanted to be home where I had freedom to just relax and enjoy my family. Also, you said you have tried everything as far as discipline goes. None of your methods that you mentioned sound like they would have much positive impact on his behavior. Putting a child in his room alone breeds loner children, who learn to live without the fellowship of their family. Treating his sister to something and not him also further distances him from his family. Taking toys away is reactionary, unless they are particularly acting out with that toy. What does his father say? Is his father in the picture? (I can't tell by your question, so I don't know.) Please don't rush to drug him.
Of course, I could be wrong about all of this, but those are my thoughts based on your question.

If the preschool teacher and the after school teacher have both noticed it as well as his kindergarten teacher and the teacher in the other classroom that he is sent to for timeouts then it's not just his teacher that is the problem.

Even though your pediatrician does not suspect anything medical, I would schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. Contrary to popular belief, if there is nothing going on with your son the specialist will NOT just slap a label on him. If the developmental pediatrician tells you that there is nothing that he can diagnose then you can continue to look for a form of discipline that will work for you, but if the specialist gets to the bottom of the problem you will be able to arm yourself with all sorts of knowledge to help your son and his teachers make school much more successful for him.

Good luck,
K.

We had problems with our son in Kindgertan. Our son would get very agitated and would hit someone if they even accidently bumped into him. I was also concerned that perhaps it might be ADHD but he did not have the same issues at home and outside when playing with friends. For us it turned out that he was frustrated because he has some learning difficulties. After testing he was put in special ed classes and the change was like night and day. We ended up having to hold him back in kindergarten too and he has been fine. On good note he will probably test out of special ed this year.
Second, his teacher labeled him a trouble maker right off the bat and it was bad. We also had him moved to another class.
Third and Fourth: listen to your motherly instincts. I had felt there was something wrong but could not put my finger on it. And also you are your kids best advocate. My final comment was that we talked to the principal alot and she was a great listener (turns out she used to teach special ed too). Sorry to be so long and I hope this gives you more to think about.

I would not try to guess at what is going on, I would find out for sure. Your preschool noticed things that are troublesome, and what you describe is familiar and needs your attention. I would highly suggest that you contact the nearest Childrens Hospital and make an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician. I would also request that the school evaluate him and get him a behavior plan ASAP. Do not try to figure this out by yourself. It would be rare for a pediatrician to know what to do for what you are seeing nor put all the peices together for you.

This is not a bad boy. There is a reason that he behaves this way, and it has nothing to do with how much time you have spent with him and what kind of dicipline you use. He has a barrier that prevents him from doing what you ask in this enviornment, and he is overwhelmed.

Make the appointment tomorrow, and write (do not talk) to your school and request an evaluation because you suspect that your child has a disablity. Behavior like you describe fits a very specific pattern, and if your school has not noticed, they are trying hard not to. He can behave with the right interventions.

M.

I'm confused you said the pre-k
teacher acted like it wasn't nothing to really worry about just that he don't like to interact with the other children and doesn't like to do group activities.

Not wanting to interact with other children or do any grp activities, is not something to shrug off I'm surprised she wasn't more concerned. Is your son shy, or easily overwhelmed by too many kids? It could be a little anxiety and he can't express himself, that he feels this way so, he stays away from kids and activities and then starts not paying attention or acting up. Can a pedi really diagnose ADHD, or doesn't that require a specialist? If your son looks people in the eyes and can do social activities within his family, then I would look in to just having a couple of sessions with a therapist to find out what is causing this disruption in is life. I don't think punishment or taking away things is the best way to go, because you could be punishing him for something he is not equipped to handle.IMO

Maybe he doesnt know how to ACT at school because he hasnt been taught how to? Play "school" at home. Teach him that he's to sit at his desk with his hands folded while the teacher is talking and that he is there to listen. School is his "job" right now and he has to take it seriously. Get his sister involved to play school with you. Have a pretend recess time, reading time, math time, coloring time. Sometimes boys need to be told "exactly" what to do in certain situations until it actually sinks in.
There are a lot of sport groups that he can join at this age. My youngest son was 5 when we put him on a wrestling team that was local to our area. He loved it, thrived in it, and it gave him better self esteem and he became a better listener, he was a little hyper active too, but nothing that required meds----- that would be a very last resort, we have way too many medicated kids in the school system, I don't know how teachers deal with it. Teaching them how to act in public venues must be taught at home, teaching them self dicipline so they can survive in social situations is one of the most important tools to give your children. Good luck.

Hello. I totally agree with karate/tae kwondo. I have a (now 28 yr old son) & he was/is addh. At about 6 or 7, we put him in tae kwondo. It was wonderful!! It tought him respect for others & it really helped in his emotional state as well. Hope you do put him in.
God bless you,
A.
san jose, ca

I must say that not all schools/teachers reserve sending kids to the principal as a last resort for extreme behavior, some are VERY quick to do it, especially I think when the teacher is ill-equipped to handle the issue, maybe jut due to lack of time and staying on schedule. It would be helpful to learn from the teacher, and/or the principal, what the standards of discipline are -- what's the first thing they do, how did it progress to going to the principal?

Also, I agree with the statement that he's still learning how to behave in school. That's much of what kindergarten is, and I would wager that he'll get it eventually and the principal visits will taper off. What can you do to help, aside from the great idea of playing school at home and reinforcing the rules... positive reinforcement. Stop concentrating on punishing the bad behavior with time outs or toys taken away. Instead, set up a reward system for good behavior. Get a ticket for every good day at school, 5 tickets means he gets to choose a video to rent or something, some special thing that he will want to work towards. Rules and groups can be hard for independent kids, and he's been allowed to do his own thing for so long, that the adjustment must be hard for him. Recognize that it's going to take some time, be gentle but firm with him, and remind of the rules (listen to your teachers, keep your hands to yourself, wait your turn... use positive phrases that are easy to remember) and he'll get it. It's going to be OK!

You have a lot of great suggestions already posted so I won't repeat any of that, but I will add to make sure that he has a well balanced, nutritional lunch with water or juice -- not sugary drinks. Also make sure that he has plenty of snacks for the day. Diet and behavior are directly related. Good luck,

M

He may be too young for kindergarten. My son was the same way last year so he is doing kindergarten again this year to give him more time to mature and handle the pressures of First Grade next year.
I read a great book called "raising boys" and it strongly recommends putting boys in school a year after girls.

Hi A.,
From what you have said, I agree with the other posters that you should give him a little time to adjust. :) I am a kindergarten teacher and it sounds like your son may be a bit frustrated. By sending the child out so early, he/she is sending a clear message to your son that she is not the authority figure. I would talk to the teacher and see when exactly these things are happening...during which activities and what things seem to trigger him. I would respectfully add that making him sit in his room or taking toys away is not a natural punishment for his age. He most likely will not make the connection that because he acted out in school, he is sitting in his room alone 4 or 5 hours later. The lady in the after school program might have less trouble because the agenda for those programs are less rigid than the school day? It might very well be the teacher. We are all human and I wish I could tell you how many times I have heard "I would NEVER teach Kindergarten" in response to me saying that is the grade I teach. I have seen other grades and in many cases beginning of the year Kindergarten (especially for those who have never taught that grade before) feels a lot like underpaid babysitting. As many have mentioned, with the increase in class size and the demands of the state standards, it is hard for those 4 and 5 year olds to cope as we go through the routines and rituals because we virtually have to jump into the curriculum. I wish you the best of luck and again, maybe just talk to her and see if together you can set up a behavior contract or something that he can work towards. I am not a big fan of extrinsic motivators but as we talk about in school there is a difference between equity and equality. You are your son's best advocate. Good luck!! :)

A.

I know with work it can be difficult, but it sounds like it would help your family if you can volunteer in the classroom. That would (1) give you a chance to see for yourself what is happening and (2) make you important to the teacher, helping her be more willing to give your child what he needs to make him successful.

Sometime boys are not mature enough at 5 for Kindergarten. A lot of parents wait one year and put them in at 6. He may just not be ready.

sounds like my daughter. she is only four right now and was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. i would take your child for another evaluation. i think there is something more going on if you feel you are really following through at home.

Being sent to the principal is a big red flag. That's reserved for extreme behavior, so keep pursuing medical guidance. A regular pediatrician isn't qualified to diagnose ADHD or any other behavioral disability he may have. You want to get in with a developmental pediatrician, neuropsychologist or psychiatrist. You need an expert's evaluation at this point. Our son had signs of ADHD early on and getting him help made all the difference in his success in school. Don't be scared off by all of the misinformation about there about medication. It isn't drugging your child, it's managing a medical condition in the same way you would with seizures, heart trouble, diabetes, any other condition. Medication transformed our son's life in ways that behavioral therapy couldn't.

Also, contact the school district office and ask for an evaluation. They can't diagnose, but can evaluate your son's behavior and help to give accommodations in the classroom that will help him thrive. The district psychologist must do this evaluation if you request it, by law.

You are NOT to blame. It has nothing to do with being in preschool, childcare, whatever. Don't let anyone make you feel bad as a parent. I so hate rushed judgments like that.

Best of luck to you ...

Just a thought, my son was getting in trouble in the beginning of last year and it was because he was bored. He also doesn't like to do music class and so everyday before i dropped him off we went over the rules. don't touch, don't talk at nap, at least pretend to sing in music, on and on... He got better after time... Also try my son works very well on positive reinforcement which is sometimes are to do, but try and reward when he does good, give extra praise and soon he will learn that being bad doesn't pay and that being good does...

Hi A.,
You've gotten a lot of great advice here. 30+ years ago when our first son was in K we had a conversation with his teacher and she didn't know what to do with our son because he was taking over the class. He was very verbal and could hold the children's attention better than the teacher. She wanted to know what to do. Aaron kept being put in "the bad kids chair". We were shocked because we thought "Hey, you're the teacher, you're supposed to know what to do." Aaron had 3 different learning disabilities that weren't identified until the 4th or 5th grade when I suggested he be tested. We were then given the help needed to help our son.

That being said, teachers are pretty much overwhelmed these days. With all the problems in California right now they have 30+ students per class and that is a big part of this issue. She probably doesn't have the time to take with your child. The schools get money for helping children with disabilities, so talk to your principal about getting the help he needs.

Don't give up. You don't want to look back on this time and say, " Wow! If we'd only know what he was going through."
Blessings,
D.

Updated

Is there anything in his life that may be upsetting or stressful to him? Of course, starting kindergarten, itself, is a big change but most kids don't react this way.
ADHD is still a possibility, too. Think about seeing either a child psychologist or a behavioral pediatrician. They can be expensive, but worth it.
Good luck.

I know you've already responded w/'So what happened' but I just wanted to remind you to keep in mind he's going thru an adjustment period. He's only 2 weeks into the school year & is already going to the principal's office? I find that ridiculous! Clearly the teacher is not trying to deal w/this herself & just wants to hand him off. Not good! He's at a new school, w/new teachers & kids & has to get used to it all. The teacher should expect & know that kids adjust differently. He's probably acting out as a means to push the boundries....see what he can get away with. Set up a meeting w/the K teacher to brainstorm ways to deal w/this. Let her know how you feel about your son having to go to the office & that there have got to be other ways to handle the situation. It might be hard to get out of him why he's doing this as most times, kids don't know why they do what they do. They're impulsive at this age & have a hard time expressing themselves. I'd try to focus more on the how to deal w/it. I also agree w/the the mom who said to try focusing less on the negative, punishment & taking things away but instead on the postive. The chart & tickets are a great idea. Instead of a tangible reward maybe try to encourage things like a day w/you, a special outing. And then as time goes on & his behavior is improving, start peetering out the chart & the rewards as you want him to behave cuz he knows it's the right thing to do not cuz he wants a reward. Keep in contact w/the teacher making sure she's trying other tactics & not sending him to the office. Maybe give it til about the XMas break & if you see no changes, no support from the teacher, then talk to her again, let her know your concerns & that you are now going to discuss this w/the principal. Like another parent said, this teacher (& maybe the school) might not be the best fit. But, most importantly, don't 'wait & see.' There's a fine line between waiting it out & jumping the gun which is why I say give it til XMas while staying in communication w/the teacher. This is a big year for your son & will set the tone for him for school & how to deal w/things. You also don't want him labeled as a difficult child cuz I guarantee you, this teacher will talk to the 1st grade teachers. My oldest son had a hard K year, the teacher was not a huge fan of his & even tho I was in daily contact w/her, I wish I had been more vocal w/the principal about what was going on. You are your son's strongest advocate & need to be his voice until he can articulate himself & his feelings. Best of luck!

I don't have a solution as to what to do next, but wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am raising my granddaughter and kindergarten was VERY tough year for her. Same thing - not listening, not doing what she's told. She didn't have issues with not interacting with other children; she went the other way and interacted a bit too much. We also tried everything - staying in her room for the entire afternoon, not going to dance lessons, taking toys away, etc. and nothing worked. Then, when she got into first grade, everything changed. She's now in 3rd grade and we haven't had any behavior problems since kindergarten. She just needed to grow up and mature a bit which she did slowly over the kindergarten year and through the summer and by first grade all was well. So, don't get overly concerned. Definitely keep working with him on it, but a lot of times its just a matter of growing up a bit.