Need Advice for My Daughter.

I think it will just take time. I am a new step mom to a 5 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. they were 4 and 2 when i met them at first it was very diffucult she didnt want to listen but it didnt take very long for her to realize i was there for her and her brother too. It may take more time but i would try to find something interesting for the 2 of them to do together. Anything from a favorite game to him taking her to see the horses at a barn. I also noticed alyssa coming more around when i started to take on more responsibility with them such as getting ready in the morning, bathtime or bedtime. I think it just let her know its my job too, to take care of her. I hope this helped good luck. D.

She might get use to him around. Did she always snapped (before the boyfriend)? You also migh want to talk to her dr. about it and see what the dr thinks.

J.,
I went through the same thing with my older son when I got married. He was afraid that I wouldn't love him as much anymore now that I had someone else to love. The best you can do is reassure her that you love her more than ever and getting married won't change that, she'll just have one more person to love and care about her. You could also have your fiance talk to her. She needs to know that her place in the family is just as important, and that he is looking forward to being 'family' with her. Some people go as far as including the kids in the wedding ceremony where the step-parent 'vows' to take care of and love the kid. Then the kid gets their own ring/symbol.

Good luck!!

To me it is obvious that she feels that you won't have time for her once you are married. You need to reassure her that she will always come first. If her father isn't in the picture maybe your fiance can try taking her somewhere and let them begin to bond. If her father is in the picture then she feels like he's being replaced, just let her know that he won't be taking his place, she'll just have an extra dad. If she doesn't come around you may have to have her talk to a counselor to try to sort through her feelings. Good luck to you.

HI J., to me, the point is not to say something to make it all better for your daughter, the point is to help her slowly adjust to the new addition in your lives. Put yourself in her place, remembering what it was like to be five, and imagine what it would be like if you only lived with one parent, and now it feels like that parent's love might be taken away by someone else. Try to overlook how annoying her tantrums are, and instead think of them as her way of expressing her fears and frustrations. It is always hard to adjust to a big change, especially for a five year old who doesn't have the maturity or patience of an adult. Your situation would be hard for a child of any age, even a teenager, but it is especially hard for someone so young. I think it would help to bring your sweetie into her life very slowly. You and he may be discussing getting married in two years, but she does not have to be included in that discussion until the time comes. In the beginning, only include him in activities outside of the home that she enjoys, and for short periods of time, like walks in the park or going out for lunch or a movie. After she starts to bond with him, include him in more activities in your home, and for longer periods of time. Don't hold hands or have physical contact with him in front of her other than what you normally have with your other friends. At the same time, make sure that you have plenty of quality time alone with her, so that she sees that him coming into your life will not mean her being squeezed out. Read to her while cuddling her, play with her on her level, and make sure she knows she will always be your special girl no matter what. Her security in your love will help her feel less threatened by any life changes such as a new sweetie in your life.
About her tantrums, even though they are understandable, they are unacceptable behavior. Since she has developed a pattern of tantrumming, it is safe to assume she will do it again sometime in the future. This gives you an opportunity to provide her with a valuable lesson about consequences. Sit down quietly with her and tell her firmly that her behavior when she screams, kicks, etc is unacceptable, and that the next time she does it, she will have a consequence. Tell her what the consequence will be and make it involve taking away something that is important to her, such as TV time, or taking away a favorite toy for a day. Make sure the consequence involves losing a privilege instead of adding a punishment. Then, if she tantrums, take away the privilege, telling her that you are sorry she chose the consequence. Make sure she understands that she will get her privilege back if she does not tantrum for the next day, and that after that if she tantrums again, she will lose the privilege for a day again. Be quiet and firm. She will hear you much better that way than if you yell (because yelling causes people to tune out.) You must be firm and don't cave in or be wishy-washy. Just be quiet and firm. It may take a couple of times for her to really get it, but when she sees that she can choose her own consequences, and that there is no reward for tantrumming, she will stop doing it.
About the "good whooping." I don't know what that means but I hope it does not mean that you are hitting your child. Hitting will only cause more problems between you and your child. If you want to be respected, act like you deserve it. Acting like a tantrumming adult will only teach your child to continue tantrumming. If you are unable to stop hitting or yelling at her because you are so frustrated or because that was how you were taught that parents act when you were a kid, maybe it would help to get some counseling. There are more effective ways of parenting, and you can learn to guide and discipline your child in ways that will better work toward improving your relationship with your child and increasing your own self-esteem rather than further destroying them.
Good luck and let us know what happens. It's clear that you love your daughter very much from the energy that you have put into this issue, and I wish you the best of luck.

Hi J.! My name is J. also! And I, too, live in Strabane. So, maybe we're neighbors? :)

Children go through an awful lot. Change is something that takes time for them to adjust to. Your daughter probably feels a little bit jealous for now having to share her Mommy. Just try to keep reassuring her that she isn't going to be forgotten and that you and your significant other will include her in your plans as much as possible.

Now the temper tantrums...don't we all wish we could have a magic wand for this? LOL "Whooping her" is only teaching her to hit hunny. I came from a long line of abusers. At first, I admit doing it too. But I am very proud to say that I have stopped that chain after some good advice from one of my brothers. Whic was..don't hit! There's no need to. His wife taught him that cause he didn't know of any other way either. May I suggest that you ground her from things that she enjoys. When you ground her, calmly get down to her eye level. Don't tower over her. This intimidates children. Calmly explain to her why you are taking her toy or whatever it may be away from her and that the behavior she is showing is not acceptable. When it's time to give her back her toy or whatever it is, ask her if she remembers why it was taken away from her and that everytime she behaves that way, something will be taken from her for a while.

I hope this helps!

Love and light,
J. L.

Hi J.,

I've never been in your situation, but putting myself in your daughter's shoes, I imagine she's feeling threatened and is testing your love for her. By her behavior, she's asking you, "will you love me no matter what, or is this new guy going to take my place?". She needs to know that her inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated but that you love her unconditionally. Maybe try setting up a new ritual for just the two of you everyday, something simple that doesn't cost money, such as playing a game together everyday after dinner. She's too young to be able to articulate what she's feeling, so she's showing you instead. There's lots of books at the library about blended families, maybe you could try reading some of those together. Perhaps your fiance could plan special time together with her too, but neither one of you should expect too much enthusiasm from her for awhile. This transition will take a long time, so you'll need to be patient. I've seen it take around 2 years for blended families to gel, but your hardwork and patience will pay off in the end. Good luck!

About me:
I'm 30 years old and have a 5 month old daughter.

I have not been in that situation as a parent but I was in that situation as a child. My mom got married to my stepdad when I was four and it was a little hard.

Remeber, your child is already a person and accostomed to her way of life which up till now has been just you and her. This is a huge change for her and you can't expect her to just be ok with it.

Your fianccee can not be the displinarian in the household. I know you want to let him be the man or whatever but remember, she isnt used to taken direction from him and may resent it. You have to explain that before he can be her daddy, they have to be friends.

Also it sounds like she may need another outlet. I'm not going to jump to conclusions but I think you may want to take her to see a consuler. She probably isn't bipolor but she may just need to get her feelings out with someone else.

Be pateint. Don't get upset with her, remember you made a choice about this, not her, she's just along for the ride.

Please do not take this as an actual diagnosis, but it sounds like your daughter may have bipolar disorder. I would have her checked out my a neurologist or psychiatrist for testing as those kinds of behavior problems are usually not "common". I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. In time, she will come to accept your fiance. Just help him to have patience with her and help them establish a relationship, all the while making sure you spend plenty of time one-on-one with your daughter. It will become easier.

Hi J......I am aware of this situation because it happened to my brother.My advice is to talk with her about her feelings.Maybe write a story with her about her feelings.Pictures and all.Go to the library, and get books on blending families together.Read them together, and tell her that you will love her more than anything forever.Ask her what she wants to say to you.She will have a hard time talking about her feelings, because she doesnt know how.She will however act them out by yelling, screaming...ect, because then she knows you see, and feel where she is coming from.Tell her that you cant understand what she is doing, but when she wants to talk about it, you are there to listen.Make a date night twice a week to do mommy and daughter things w/o your fiance, and he should do the same...and also new fam nights together.Games, movies, popcorn...ect.....

What do you expect...she is only five years old and she comes from a broken home. It is hard for her to except anyone. She needs you more then anything right now. It is best that you put her first and wait on this marriage. Make sure she has a great relationship with her father too. That is important that she is close to him...It will make her feel that things seem good and you may be able to move on once you see that her needs are met. I personally would wait unitl my children are grown before I would make that decision to get married. Remember she should be the most important person in your life...Not your boyfriend. He will always come second. I hope you know that!! Please see this as a posstive and make the right move in making your daughter feel loved. Her tantrums will probably subside and she will then be a very happy child. God bless....

Is this someone that your daughter has been around a lot? If not you might want to try planning special weekend "things" to do that all three of you do together, but at the same time keep sure that there are even more special things that just you and your daughter do as just the two of you.

As for the "snaps" in behavior. I tired a form of "home made" behavior modification at home with a sticker chart and gratifying rewards. Power ranger stuff in my house but mine is a boy. Absolutly no toys and rewards unless they are earned. It worked for us and hopefully it will work for you.