Nature of the Beast or Can I Do Something About It?

If you always take a hands off approach how do the girls know how to resolve their issues? I suggest that there are times that they need help learning how to get along.

I agree that this one minute friends, the next not and being focused on rules is common at this age. Their brain is not developed enough to recognize nuances; they think in black and white. It helps them to learn when we ask such questions as "how do you think Mary feels? Why do you think she said that? How can you be friends again? This seems to be the same thing that happened last week. Would you like to learn a different way of answering her?"

Kids can be compassionate at this age. I like the idea of reading Chicken Soup For The Kids Soul and discussing it.

Kids this age love rules, and it bothers them when they perceive others breaking the rules (whether they really are or not). So part of it is their age.

If you can make a point of catching the girls being good, that might help. For instance, "Mary, I love how you're helping put the toys away without being asked, and Beth, those were helpful and friendly words." I know it seems ridiculous, but reinforcing the good can help them get to a place where they aren't as interested in the behaviors that are getting them no attention. When my girls get into a tattle-fest, I've always said, "Well, I can see that this activity is causing arguments, so I guess you'll just have to stop and go sit alone in your rooms for a while." They'll quickly backpedal and figure out how to get along. ;)

And, of course, some of it is just the age. Although... and I hate to say it... some of them never grow out of the fixation with rules. My oldest is now 12, and really loves rules. So pedantic. It's just how she is. :-/ The younger one got past that stage at 5 or 6.

I agree with Hell on Heels, this is likely more about that fact that all kids around preschool age usually go through a tattling phase, whether it's for parent/teacher attention/approval or just figuring out what consequences occur when rules are broken.

Be careful not to project you own relationship dynamics onto children this young. Their perceptions are totally different from an adult or even an older elementary-aged child. The type of cattiness you referred to usually starts a bit later, in elementary school as well.

For now, I agree the best tactic would be to praise the good ("you two are such good friends, always sharing so nicely!") rather than condemn the negative.

I have always found myself to be more of a non petty girl/woman then a lot of people that I know, and knew growing up. Unfortunately it wasn't because of a positive role model or upbringing. I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic step father who did nothing but belittle and ridicule us. Strangely, it made me very sensitive and aware of other peoples feelings. I have always tried to step back and not rush to judgment about people. Be it there actions, beliefs appearance whatever. I knew first hand what it was like for people to have no idea what my life was like, and to sit and judge me, make fun of me or reject me without having a clue of my circumstances.
I have all sons. But I teach them that we don't judge people. And that even people who may make mistakes are most likely good people. You never know what kind of day, month or year they have had.
Girls are wired a bit different, but I think the same can apply. While I understand "the hands off" approach to a degree, you also need to guide your daughter and help her learn how to handle situations. While tattling is definitely a phase most kids go through, I'd start telling her that unless someone is doing something unsafe, it isn't necessary all the time. And teach her ways to work through problems with her peers.
This is also a good time to tell her that friendship is conditional. Yes, she is too young to absorb that completely, but you need to start somewhere. I have had this talk with my 6 year old since last year. You can't be friends with someone one day then get mad at them tomorrow and say they aren't your friend. Friends disagree, have arguments, because we are all different. That doesn't make them not your friend. And it's not ok to be mean to them.
Some women do carry this on into adult hood. I recently let go of a 20 year friendship because I had just become exhausted of this very thing. Although this woman had been my good friends for so many years, I was tired of it being conditional. One sided. And the negativity and pettiness she carried was exhausting. She trashed everyone, was always cutting other people down. So I can only imagine what she said behind MY back. And the funny thing? Her mother was EXACTLY the same! As a parent, we have to be the example! So be that positive role model you want to see your daughter become. She'll be fine! Good luck :)

I never thought of my female friends as competition. I never "tattled' and HATE the "typical" drama that seems to be the norm with girls these days. I never had time for it or those who seemed to always cause it. I am loyal and fiercely protective of those I consider "friend". Maybe because I grew up moving around a lot. My friends were my family, my family were my friends.

I'm not so sure what you can do about the other child, but you can use this to teach your daughter how to be a true friend. Friends don't hurt one another, not with their hands and not with their words. They don't "tattle" on one another, they watch over and take care of each other. They are "family". True friends want good things for each other. Anyone who doesn't have their friend's best interests in mind aren't really friends. That is what I was taught. It seems to be how you were too. Time to pass it on.

The next time one comes to you with a ""tattle", correct them. "I'm sorry, but that's not a real problem. No one is hurt or in danger. You are tattling and you need to go back to Brittney and apologize to her for it. We do not tattle on our friends."

I think you get the idea.

it's hard to find the right line to draw between 'what girls do' and 'what girls learn from other females', isn't it? i think there is some natural bitchiness in girls, which doesn't mean it's inevitable and must be condoned. i think your relaxed hands-off attitude is exactly the right one, and am always relieved when i see other parents who aren't up to their elbows in every single interaction their kids have.
i don't have girls, so i can't say for sure, but i think what i'd do in this situation is to let them hash out the frenemy stuff for the most part by staying above it. 'kellybelle, you came to me 3 minutes ago because you were upset with maggiemae. if you girls are not enjoying your time together, we'll pack up and go home right now,' or 'i'm sorry to hear that you and maggiemae were not good friends to each other at school today. when you come home tomorrow, i hope you will tell me about what you did to be good friends to each other.' 'oh dear, sounds like another blah day. i really don't want to hear about it. if you want to tell me how good you and maggiemae are being to each other, i'd love to listen. but if you're telling on her all the time, it's time to find a new friend.'
you can't expect a 4 year old to mirror the healthy adult relationships you have, but you can keep reinforcing her desire to get there by focusing on the positives and letting the negatives go unremarked.
if there's something truly upsetting her, of course, it's time to discuss and role-play. you need to have good mom-radar to differentiate between the drama and the real hurt.
but i really do think a light hand on the helm is best. a little input and guidance when it's really needed, and a lot of trust that your daughter, who is after all the child of a sensible, intelligent, drama-free mom, will work through it.
khairete
S.

I'm like you, I think that it's important that kids learn and use skills to navigate relationships on their own. But you have to remember: They learn from us. So be sure that you're gently advising her and helping her to recognize the difference between healthy and dysfunctional behaviors in her friendships (of course, you'll use age-appropriate terminology).

This book is a very helpful tool for you and will give you ideas on what to say to help advise your daughter. http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof-e...

At four, you should be discussing this stuff with her. You don't need to pick her friends but you should help her figure things out. Talk about how she feels and how she thinks this other girl feels.

We always had a no tattling policy in our home. When I volunteered at school in the early grades if a child tattled I just said "unless the situation is dangerous or someone is being hurt with words or hands, mind your own business, we don't tattle" Kids who do it are getting the attention they crave, it's not a good pattern to set up.

If I were in your shoes I would talk to my daughter about having lots of different friends. I would talk to her about what it means to be a good friend and for her to think about how she wants to be treated and how to treat others.

When raising a girl you will come up against this over and over. That doesn't mean she needs to perpetuate it or that it's a forgone conclusion for all girls. The ones who learn to interact this way and use it to their advantage are not the kids my children wanted to be around. Not in kinder, elementary, middle or high school, they just moved on and found people they related to in a more healthy way. Help your girl to figure out that she can choose who she spends time with.

Watch out for the BFF "trap", nobody owns a friendship. Having lots of people you feel good about being around is more fun and builds social skills better than being attached to one "best friend".

Speaking from my experience of helping a few little girls grow up (as their nanny-- and chiming in from this perspective since I have a boy)-- I think there has to be a balance of when to offer coaching/social correction and when to let things go.

The preschool teachers should be addressing this in the moment, and then, as others have suggested, just offer reflective language and support when she comes to you with her stories of the day. You do want to keep her perspective of reality in mind when talking to her. "So, you felt like.... I wonder how that felt to Sally?" Ask questions which encourage empathy.

Here's the other thing-- and I saw this most especially with my own son: the early years of elementary school seem to be a time of 'sussing out' what friendships really are. My son would come home, bummed "Johnny isn't my friend" -- all because Johnny got tired of playing SuperKitties and wanted to play a game with other friends. Little kids tend to interpret small choices such as who they played with at ONE RECESS as 'best friend/not my friend' enormity. This is something they have to consciously experience and will likely, eventually grow out of. I saw, in his first grade classroom, three girls who would jockey for position with each other, usually on girl was bestowed the 'power' in their relationship. Again, there is some balance required-- the teacher would let them sort it out, up to a point, and then just make decisions for them. (such as who would sit with whom, etc) They really needed help.

For what it's worth, it wasn't until my adult years that I learned how to be a good friend. I had lousy models in my family for that. I sure hope that you will be able to see that some of what your daughter is doing/experiencing is just part of her juvenile development. I find that when I see behaviors which make me uncomfortable, to try to reflect WHY they cause such unease. Once I've done that, I can usually be more objective (separating my feelings from my child's actions) and handle the situation better. For what it's worth, when I look at 'four year old development', under social/emotional -- tattling is in there. Judging from my son's classes, too, I think it will be present for quite a while. So, encouraging her to "talk to your friend first, and if what they are doing is unsafe, tell the teacher, or you can go play something else" is a good way to go.

Good luck!

I think it mostly depends on what you model to your daughter. If you model cattiness, your daughter will emulate it. I doubt you do, so your hands-off approach is probably best. Girls will be girls.

I tried to teach my daughter's empathy at a pretty early age. I started by reading 2 short stories a night from the "chicken soup for the kids soul" book. The stories are very touching and my kids learned to put themselves in other shoes which I think helped.

Haven't read through this entirely yet, but it may offer some advice?

http://www.howdoesshe.com/back-to-school-5-ways-to-help-y...