Name Change

Follow the lead of one of the most famous remarried women...Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onnasis. Use them all!

My mom got remarried when I was almost 13. I was so glad she kept her last name. I love my step-father, but I was glad to have that connection with my mom. I would have felt strange explaining all the time why my mom had a different name from my sister and I. I was very grateful she kept her last name.

When I was pregnant with my son I was not married and I was not giving him my ex husbands from 20 yrs earlier, I gave my son my maiden name no questionswere ever asked why we have diff. last name's it is a name, I say switch unless there is a deeper issue, is there a deeper issue?

M.: You don't say how old your son is, which could make a difference. If you are concerned about him being the only one with a different last name, you could hyphenate your last name, thus keeping your previous name and your new name.

My friend kept her name from her first marriage as her middle name.

I completely understand your concern. Your son would be kinda the odd man out, and he will be the one most effected... Have you considered just adding the new name on. Some women do that with regards to their maiden name. It would be hyphenated. For example:
Jane Doe - Anderson. This way is a win win situation...
Best of Luck and Congrats on the nuptials,
M.

M.,
I have gone through a nasty divorce and I wanted my maiden name back bad! I completely understand your situation. I have 2 young boys from my previous marriage and they have his last name. I still have a really strong bond with my boys regardless of their last name. To me, it's just a name. If they want to change it at a later date then they can. With your son having a difference last name will not change the bond that you have with him if you have a strong one now. Your question about it being silly not to want to change your last name because of him is not silly. It's completely understandable. If you are moving on with your life then you should change your last name and when the time comes, then your son can change his. I do agree with you "out with the old and in with the new". Nothing to worry or sweat about. I hope this helps. Take care! R. M

i have experienced the same thing. my son was 10 months old when i met my future husband, we got married when he was about 5 years old, now he is 11. i had another son and a daughter with my husband, those 2 have his last name of course , but i kept my old last name since my oldest was going to be the only one with it, my husband understood, he knows that i am his wife and my kids dont really notice the difference, and to the rest of the world i am introduced as Mrs. , and my husband never contradicts if someone new assumes that my oldest carries his last name, and understands that i have that connection with my oldest, so i think that if you want to keep your previous name to go ahead, its not about what others think , its about how you feel.

A common name does not make a family. I have seen this from both sides. My parents divorced when i was 4 and my mom remarried when I was 5, so I've had a different last name than my mom almost all of my life. Never been a problem or an issue in any way because no one made it an issue. If you have been making the common last name a big deal with your son, it might not be so easy for you to change at this point. After my divorce I opted to return to my maiden name forever after, so my first two sons have a different last name than I do. Personally, I cannot imagine sticking with a married name after a divorce, or even using it as part of a hyphenated name. Perhaps because I know it is not an issue for the kids unless the involved adults make it one. When I remarried and had a son with my new husband, we had three last names in the household. My oldest sons had theirs, I had mine because I stuck with my maiden name, and my husband and youngest son had theirs. My husband is Swiss and became a US citizen last year. When he did, he switched to my last name, so now my youngest son is the only person in the house with his father's "old" last name. Absolutely not an issue. In fact, he enjoys it. Perhaps 50 years ago it would have been considered unusual for a child and a mother to have a different last name, but even 40 years ago, when I was 5, it was no big deal. And these days it is extremely common. If you do not make it an issue, it will not be an issue for the kids.

You should do what you feel is right for you. That said, I married my second husband last year. I have a daughter with my ex-husband. I did change my name to my new husband's last name. It hasn't caused any problems for me (other than the usual name-change hassle). My daughter (8) doesn't seem to mind much; we share lots of things that only she and I have (green eyes for one, my skids and husband have blue) and we think that's special.

Bonding with your child is less about names and more about, well, bonding.

Good luck!

i grew up living with my dad, but when my mom remarried and changed her name we were happy for her. we knew that when you got married that was something you did. it never occurred to us that she would keep it the same. my dad remarried when i was 4 and it made sense that she (our sm) had our last name, but her 2 kids from p.m. did not.

my dad actually recently remarried again, to a woman with 3 kids, she changed her name. as an adult it's more weird to me now (partially because i'd known the woman since i was a teenager and knew her by her previous married name).

my dad doesn't have any of his own kids living in the home (they have a may-december relationship so all his kids are grown and hers are not). her 10 and 13 year old also just knew that that's what you do, get married change your name. you don't marry someone and keep another man's name. (maybe we're just really understanding or don't have strong feelings about the issue)

i know that this leaves out the part of your son being an only, but personally i don't think it would really be that bad. and if you don't know just ask him, explaining why you would change your name, as part of your relationship and your commitment to your husband, not to separate yourself from him. i guess this is part of what comes with putting your spouse first, and that might be a valuable lesson to your son as well.

best of luck, either way do what you're going to be happy with (you could always change it back later if you changed your mind again)

I understand what you are going through. I did the same thing, kept my married name after my divorce to keep that connection with my son. Now I have another son with a new father and we have different last names. There is not any reason to be worried about legal issues, you are the mother on the birth cerificate and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. The choice to change your name or not is a purely personal one between you and your new spouse, but I have a suggestion... have you considering hyphenating?

Maybe your new husband can adopt your son from your previous marriage and change his last name so your entire family has the same last name?

That IS confusing. I have two step-children and their Mom decided to change her name to her new married name and my step-son did have a hard time with that. I was wondering why she didn't hyphenate. I know it's a lot of names when you tack one to the end, but maybe that would help you feel better. Eventually my step-son got used to the fact that his Mom has a different last name, but for a while there, my step-son wanted to change his last name to his Mom's new last name and then that hurt my husband's feelings. It's a tough decision. Do you think a hyphenate would help? Divorce and re-marriage brings up interesting dilemmas. On the other hand, it's just a name and you and your son are connected on such a deeper level. Who knows. I would like to know what you end up doing though. Good luck. I can feel you're trying to please so many people. Family, husband, yourself... but I know mostly, you want to do what's right by your son and I admire you for that. Good luck M. P. Sincerely, J.

A Name is simply that...A Name. When I remarried, I opted to take my husband's last name even my boys would have a different last name. As my boys grew up (they are 19 and 17 now) it didn't matter to them that mom had a different last name. They were loved by both my husband and I equally along with our other two children who were born during our marraige. My older boys even called their stepdad, "Dad". That's who he is to them. Their biological father is still in the picture and they had always did their obiligatory "every other weekend visits" with him. But my huband was "Dad".

Don't worry so much about the name that your son will carry nthroughout his life. What will always matter will be the love he is shown and the memories he has of growing up.

Out of respect for your new husband I would take his name. Your son and your X will be proud of you. I believe.
P.S. I don't see a slightest drop of selfishness in your question. :)

Dear M.:

WHen I divorced...many years ago, my friends all jumped on the "change your name" wagon and I just didnt feel right about that yet...so I waited until my daughters were grown. I was no longer the young girl who left my parents home nor did I feel I wanted to be connected to a family I was no longer married into...so I opted to take my first and middle name.

Do what YOU think. There are many ways to do this and any way that works best for you is the right way.

Sincerely:
E. L.

I am not divorced but wonder how your son would feel. I think you should talk to him if you feel he is old enough. If not why not just wait until he is a bit older. i do not think there are any legal ramifications of you changing your name as you have his birth certificate and if you change your name you will have the documentation for that too. It might cause a bit of confusion if you apply for a passport for your son but after a little explaining and proof that you are his mother you can probably clear that too. My sister just adopted a son but had to wait 13 months before she could change his name. there were no problems when she took him to the doctor etc. she just always brought paperwork with her in case she was ever questioned. talk to your son. i bet he would really appreciate that and it will probably be a better bond than just sharing a last name. By him knowing you value his opinion is priceless!

I have three children. Two by my first husband, and one by my second. I married my second husband when they were ages 5 and 3. I kept both names. I changed my name, added the new name and kept the first husband's last name as a middle name or 'second last name'. Mainly for a couple of reasons. 1) Mexican Americans often have two last names,tho I am not Mexican. :) 2) I wanted to have last names of my children, both the two by the first marriage and the one by the second. 3) I also really hated my maiden name!

I named my youngest child with the two last names. Yes, you heard me, I gave him the last name of my first husband as one of several middle names. I wanted the children to feel like they were connected even though one was a Morgenstern and the others Cowley.
So his name is Corwyn Thomas Cowley Morgenstern. So I don';t think you are wierd. :)

Oh I did ask my ex husband if he minded that I gave my new son his last name too. He thought it was hilarious. Whatever.

Hi M.,

I got remarried when my daughter was 15. I changed my name to my husband's name and there didn't seem to be any problems. You didn't say how old is your son but if he is younger, maybe you can still keep his name and hypenate it.

Bree

HI,

I am in the same situation as yourself. Married twice and have a daughter from my first marriage. I went ahead and changed my name. My daughter will always have a connection with me especially because she lives with me and I have full custody of her. It may be strange at the beginning that your son has a different last name than you but it's only a name and what you have with your children, a last name can never change. But changing to my husband's last name is what makes me tell him. "I am committed to you forever"! I didn't change my name completely with my first marriage and I think, I knew all along it wasn't meant to be but with my husband now I feel I can give all of myself to. Including my name. Well I hope this helps.

So you don't hurt anyone's feelings, your son's or your new husband's, I would keep both names and hyphenate them. (e.g., Catherine Clark-Smith.)

In our household, there were FOUR different last names and the kids never had an issue with it at all. There are no legal issues, no one ever asked a mom to prove she was the mom of a kid with a different name or anything like that.

I had one last name, my partner (a female) had another, her son had a different one from her and my kids had their father's last name. We laughed about how HUGE we needed our mailbox to be to fit all those names on it! But it really wasn't an issue at all psychologically or anything.

Hope that helps!

B. E. Herrera, LM, CPM

I have been through this. I have hyphenated the 2 last names and it is long, but well worth it. Everyone including my new husband wanted me to drop the last name of my ex-husband. But, in the long run I held my ground and kept both names. The reason why is because it meand so much to my son for me to have the same last name as he. The way I look at it is it is not our childrens fault that we divorce and they go through so much in this process. Then when we remarry and our children have to find their place in the new relationship. Having the same name as their Mother is so important to making them feel accepted in the new relationship and also showing them that you are still connected to them. It is a small gesture, but has proven to be very important to my son.
Hope this helps.

Unless your new husband legally adopts your son,leave his name alone. I hear a lot of insecurity and selfishness. Perhaps you feel shame about divorce. Changing your son's name gives the APPEARANCE that you're not remarried.That's what makes this really all about you, not the child. Take your husband's last name, he's your chosen partner. Your son doesn't become less your son. He's a product of you and your first husband, that's why his last name is what it is. My mom married 3 times,my dad was her first mate. Her name is the one that changed,not mine. Her remarrying wasn't about me.

Hi M.,

I was in your shoes and can relate to your issue. First of all, I would sit down with your son and discuss the matter with him to see how he feels about the situation. (You didn't mention how old he is, so I'm not sure if he is old enough to understand the issue or not.) Second of all, another solution is to hyphenate your name. That's what I did. Of course you need to discuss this with your new husband to see how he feels about it. After receiving everybody's input that is involved with this matter (son, husband, you), then make a win-win decision for all three concerned.

Hi:

In the eyes of the law, you can call yourself anything you want so long as its not for purposes of fraud. (By the way, I was a family law paralegal for 25 years.) Please don't worry about what would be "proper." I aplaud you for caring more about your son and his feelings than what other people think.

There are a lot of things left out of your question, that I would think would be factors for you to consider, such as:

How old is your son?
What is his relationship like with his father?
How long have you known the man you are now married to?
What is your son's relationship like with his step-father?
What is your son's relationship like with his step-siblings?
How would your son feel if you changed your name? (recognizing of course that what he would say to you is not necessarily what he feels - since he may worry about losing your love or fail to please you if he didn't want you to change your name)
Does your son have anyone that acts as a mentor to him? Perhaps that person could sound him out on the subject.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

M.,

Almost fourteen years ago my older chilren's dad and I divorced. It took some decision making for me to decide to keep their last name. At the time I did it more for my children so that there wasn't any confusion at school and that there was less to deal with in name changes. Almost 7 yrs ago I remarried and I took my husbands last name. It was kind of a no brainer for me but I did take the time to discuss it with my children. My daughter was not pleased but understood and my boys did seem to care about it. There are so many children these days with different last names than their parents it is not really an issue.

There will always be a bond with your son even if his last name is different than yours.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Hi M., I have to agree with your family and drop your last name from the previous marriage. A name is just that, you will always be his mother and connected to him regardless of the last name. I also think out of respect to your new husband carry his last name. I had a hard time replacing my maiden name to my married name, just felt kinda weird at first. I decided to take my maiden name as my middle name with my married name as my last name. I guess all change takes some time to adjust. I wish you the best.

You didn't say how old your son is. I'd ask him how he would feel about a name change. That might be the root of your hesitancy. If he's OK with it, then it's up to you. If he is in any way NOT okay with it, I'd say leave it as is.

I changed my name when I married (not right away, but about a year or two later). Now I think it's best if we keep our birth name. I like the idea that we have our own identity and it stays with us through life! That would take care of these difficult situations. Best to you.

Dear M.,

First of all, congratiulations.
Well, a little about myself. I am a single mother of a almoust four year old and I live in Frankfurt Germany.
My daughters father and I are not together anymore and we were never married. I am glad that I was so "smart" to have my last name on my daughters birth cetrificate (eventhough back then her dad and I were still a couple).
The reason being...as a mother you are usuall the one, taking your child to the doctor for instance, or you enroll them in day care, school, whereever, passport, everything with authorities...
And because of that it is important that the mother has the same last name as the mother. It makes alot of things alot easier, and there wont be as many questions, "are you the mother?"
Maybe this helps you to make a decision.
By the way, happy New Year to you and your family...
Jess

I was married before and I have 2 girls 10 and 12. I am still dealing with court issues, but this coming March I will
be asking the court for my maiden name back. That is the name I was born with and my girls think is very cool.
If your son is young it could be hard, but this is 2008.

my reason is obviously different than yours but, I kept my father's name when I got married. My daughter has her father (my husband)'s last name. So yeah, I don't have the same name as my child, but we both have our father's names.

When I got married, I kept my maiden name. It's the name I was born with and my husband didn't have to change his name, so why should I? I proposed to him that we have both our last names and that if he did that, I would it. He refused, so I refused to take his name. I am not his property, just as he is not mine. I don't understand that antiquated tradition. As for our son, he is 6 now and has known all his life that Mom has a different last name than he and his Dad. He knows that he is a part of my family, even though he doesn't carry my last name, just as equally as he is a part of his Dad's family, which he does carry their name.

His teachers and friends have never questioned if I was his Mom or not or if his Dad and I were married or not just because I have a different last name. No confusion has ever been had in that regard with anyone. And if anyone has a problem with my keeping my last name, well that is their ignorant 1950s point-of-view and not my problem, nor my son's problem. I am teaching him that women are just as independent as men and he has never questioned that. Just because we don't all carry the same last name does not make us any less of a unified family. Is your last name the only thing that makes you a family? NO!

I also support other's people's ability to decide what their name is going to be, so if you decide to change your name to your new husband's name, then do so. Your son will get used to it. No harm will be done to him. And screw people who give you a hard time about that! That is their ignorance!

As to that being your last connection to him....um, no, I'd hate to think that was your only connection to him! You have a myriad other connections to him that are SO MORE important than sharing a last name! Focus on those connections and stop beating yourself over the head with guilt or second-guessing. It's obvious you love your son tremendously....THAT is your most important connection to him!

S.

It may be harder but you could hyphen the two names if this is OK with you husband.

Well, I went through this exact situation myself 25 years ago! When I married my second husband, he had a daughter from a previous marriage and I had a son from a previous marriage who had his biological dad's name. We explained that every child carries their own Dad's name, so they were never confused; nor did he ever feel like the "odd man out". The connection with your son runs much deeper than a name; and I think it would show him how much you respect and love your new husband/his stepdad, by changing your name to his. When I did, it bonded our family in ways that I can't even measure! After my son became an adult, he decided on his own to legally change his name to my husband's name because he felt that my husband was and always had been, his "real" dad. AND on the other side...his daughter is mine in all the ways that matter as well. I've always told her she may not be the daughter of my flesh, but she is the daughter of my heart, a gift from God! Now, as adults, ALL our names are the same!
I agree 100% with "out with the old, in with the new", because it's a new life and a new beginning for your family; whether or not he ever changes his name as my son did. And I think 25 years later, our family stands a living proof! D. K.

Hi M.:
While I have never been divorced, but happily married for over 12 years (and I am only 31)I have been an excellent source of advice for all around me. Here are my thoughts and I hope they help in making your decision.

Here is my first comment:

Do you believe the man you married is now your true love?

Since you have been through a divorce I am sure you have certain issues with men. If you have no issues with your husband now and truly believe that he is the one than there should be no fear in taking his last name. The current last name you have belongs to a marriage that ended. While it may sound better and may be a hassle to change everything you use with that name, I believe that if you really "have no doubts" about your new marriage, then changing your name for your own new marriage would not be an issue. This leads to my second comment.

The best part of your first marriage is your son.

I am unsure of how old your son is. If he is older (pre-teen/teen) than he would want his mom to be happy and he would also know that the marriage and last name you currently had did not make you happy. If he is young and doesn't understand, than I am assuming your current husband will be a major part of his life. As he grows older he will know and understand why you have the last name of a man who made you happy.

I am also unsure of the relationship your son has or will have with his dad now and in the future. If his dad is around all of the time than he is one lucky kid who has three parents to love him. Eventually your x could remarry and there will be another woman with that last name. That might be a little awkward right? But if he has a dad who is not around much or never, than he might wonder one day if he could take your new husband's last name and wouldn't that be weird if you didn't have it too?

I hope this advice helps a bit. I know whatever you feel in your heart will guide you to what you should do. Good luck and happy new year.

Dear M.,

Can you change your son's name to the new one? I think that you have a very good reason for this change, and I hope that you figure out what the right thing to do is. I just want to encourage you to continue searching for the solution.

How old is your son, can you ask him what he thinks. How close is he to his father or his father's family?

Good luck, C. N.

Hi M.,
I went through the same thing and I chose to keep my first married name and I hyphanated it with my new married name. It actually really helped when they were in school as far as the teachers knowing I was there mom. It also made my girls feel very much a part of me by continuing to carry there last name. I know it seems silly but at the time it was very important to them. Hope this helps.

How old is your son? Is he old enough to ask him how he feels about it? Maybe he won't mind you changing your name and he keeping his biological father's name. Is his b- father in his life? If not, is he young enough that your new hubby can legally adopt him and change his name with yours too?

Listen, to others advice,but do what you feel is right, in your particular situation.

Although I've been married for the last 8 years, I've legally kept my maiden name; it is my personal preference.

From birth, my daughter has always had her dad's last name; my personal preference.

Therefore, I'm the odd one out (using my maiden name).

My 5 year old daughter knows my last name is different from hers, but that has never effected her nor me.

My daughter & I have a strong mother & child bond. I offer my child a lot of 1 on 1 attention. I sit through her piano, gymnastics, and swimming classes, and her play dates, etc.

I am an "affectionate" stay-at-home mom; plus, I've always volunteered to work in her classroom from preschool through kindergarten (her current grade).

Many people in this same situation elect to use both names.
Use your first married name in the middle and perhaps your new married name last.

Hi M.,

When you're divorce and remarried with another husband, you should change your married name to the new husband. Please drop the previous name because it is odd to use it while you're married with a new husband. Your son will understand and he will grow up and accepted you. He will not be hurt or feel insecure as long as you will talk to him about your new life now. I been divorce too and remarried,used my new married name. If you wanted to use your single surname, that will be your middle name because I done than also. No problem with my children.

A.

Been here done this! Your PREVIOUS married name links you forever to your boys. It is one last step of letting go of that part of your life. You will always be called by their last name and you will respond. It happens all during school years, appts, etc. At first, you feel kinda disconnected when you have to sign or say your name different from the boys but it gets easier. If your husband who is the love of your life now says he doesn't mind, he is a wonderful, very understanding person but it DOES bother him. Trust me all will be OK, you have to make the step and be secure and legally doesn't matter with their name not being the same as yours because your name at one time was legally the same as theirs, I hope this helps. L.

you could always have your new husband and your self legally change your sons name as well. Not sure how the boys father would feel about it, but that is an option.