My Way or the Highway Kind of Husband. !!!!Edited!!! Plse Read Below

It sounds like you already know what to do. It is a difficult thing to do I understand. My mom stayed for us children and it wasn't the right choice. If there isn't a good foundation for the children to build from then you need a new foundation. If I can help please let me know. Good luck and stay strong.
L.

Hi there, I have to say I do not agree with half of the responses here, because just to take your stuff and leave is not the easy way out. If you love him and he loves you, you just need to step out of the box for a minute and look from the outside in and see what you can control.

My husband and I have been married going on 22 years, I will be 40 this year. We have been together so long, since high school, that either we could grow together or grow apart, we both grew together. That doesn't mean that we haven't had our times of enough is enough, we have, there were times that we would tell each other we love you, but we don't like each other, or we would go weeks without having a normal conversation without an argument coming out of it. My husband had a lot of these same things you mentioned.

My suggestion is to take a deep breath and sit down and plan out what you want out of your relationship, write it down. Then on a separate piece of paper, write down all of the things you want him to change to help you get to where you want to be in the relationship. If he will, he needs to do the same. Sounds like you both are to the point of irritation that you cannot see clearly.

Once you write it all down, then take 1 thing off the list and talk to him about it, take it slow it is not going to change over night, I did this and it worked. There were things he needed me to change, and there were things I needed him to change.

The way I started it all out, I wrote a letter, put it in somewhere, either in his car, or at the coffee pot and go to bed early so he sees it... I let him know how exactly I felt, showed him the entire list that I felt very strongly for and told him I loved him so much and I want and need him in my life, but I could not continue the road we were on, for myself and my kids. That if he wanted the life with me and the kids that we needed to start working on our list 1 at a time.

We weren't happy, that we needed to get back to why we got together in the first place. It hurt like heck, it was very emotional for awhile, but it ended up being the best thing I could have done, because he started to look at me in a differnt way, respecting me and my decisions better and being more involved with everything.

I can tell you we have had a few spouts since then but nothing major, when you respect and appreciate each other it is easier to handle the stress of life.

My husband had told me back then the reason he acted like he did was because he was so stressed with work, taking care of the family (granted we were really young)that he felt like he wasn't doing enough and that I didn't understand where he was and what he was going through. You know he was right, but he didn't know what I was going through either...its called communication...you just have to find the right way and the right time to make him listen to you. If that doesn't work and you truly cannot be happy then you need to gain the strength and make the decision whether to leave for you and your kids...but you have to be 100% ready, I am not a believer of take the kids and shock him...because if you go back and things do not change then what happens next time? You do the same thing and he doesn't believe you and nothing changes because you already came back...

Good luck and I will pray for you.

I agree with Teresa B. Many of us have gone through the same issues that you have and my husband and I are still working on our marriage but you have to realize marriage is two people working on the relationship to be one. You can agree to do it your way and your husband does things his way, but it is not building a solid foudation for a marriage that will last and withstand all obstacles that the two of you may encounter. You have two wonderful children to think about and leaving their father without talking to him and letting him understand how you feel is not the answer. Shock treatment is not the answer either since it not only affects you but it will have a ripple effect on your children. Take a few minutes and think rationally. Step outside yourself-read what you have written and don't see yourself in the words but think of someone else coming to you for advice. What would you tell that person? What would you want them to do? Obviously your husband has issues of some kind that you may not be aware of. HE is lashing out at those closest to him-you and the children. Has he ever physically harmed you or the children? God wants us to work as one-that is part of the union of man and woman. To become and work as one!

I will pray for you and your husband. I think you should follow some of the ideas that Teresa B. outlined. They do work. It takes time and you will have set backs but you will also have successes. IF the two of you love each other, then you will want to make it work. Talk to each other and LISTEN to each other. Don't just hear what you want to hear-really and truly LISTEN.

If you need an ear, don't hesitate to contact me.

Blessings
M.

How can you be a good mother to your boys if you're constantly being on guard and exhausted from your relationship with your husband? Not only that, what kind of message are you sending your kids about relationships when you are just doing the "bare minimum"? Do you want your sons thinking the way your husband treats you is the way your sons need to treat their women? Kids learn by example and they watch every single thing you do and hear every single thing you say. (Whether you think you're being quiet or not)

I would get right with ME first. Go to counseling. Get some money put back. Try and talk to your husband. See if He'll go to counseling. Then make your plan and move on.

Little story...my son (who's 19 now) said something to me I'll never forget...we had left their dad in another state. We had NO FURNITURE, we had little or no money. We had a television/vcr combo that barely worked and we had a radio...every night we'd eat pic nic style on the floor of our apartment and we'd dance for intertainment or play cards or board games. I thought I had made a mistake in leaving him.

Then one day, when he was about 16, and I had gone through yet another bad relationship and was in fear of losing everything he asked me...Mom do you remember when we didn't have any furniture and we were on our own in that tiny little apartment and danced allot? I said yes...and he said something very profound...

"we were happy then...really really happy".

I remember that when I think I made a bad decision in leaving...

PS...if your husband was so wonderful...he wouldn't make you feel like he does...wonderful men lift you up and treat you well. And money doesn't equate love...

Margaret H. said exactly what I was thinking when I read your post. It is better for children to come from a broken home than live in one. WHat they are seeing is their mom being disrespected and that is SO no right. I would get out bc people that are set in "their" ways like this won't change. It will be hard, but what you are doing right now---putting up with it is hard too. I have been divorced too and the end result is so worth it. Good Luck and we mamas are here for you!!

I am 33 and my husband is 44, so I don't think it is an age issue, my husband doesn't treat me or my daughter that way! Has your hubby gone to the doctor and gotten tests run? Maybe he has a chemical imbalance causing him to act this way and he needs medication. I would try that first before you throw your marriage away.

Good Luck!
B.

Ok, I agree that you need to give your marriage every opportunity to work. And, if that mean counseling, then by all means, get counseling!

It sounds to me like you have already given up. You need to try to remember why you married him in the first place. Is any of that still there?

If he is abusing you in any way...sounds a little like he is (he "tries to intimidate me and belittle me at every instance")...you need to get out of the marriage. It is not a good situation for you or your kids if he is being abusive, even if its not physical...he could be emotionally abusing you.

You have to both want counceling in order for it to work.

Also, if divorce is the right answer, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. You and he can continue to co-parent and not speak badly of the other...this happens all the time. And, you can seek counseling on your own after the divorce if necessary.

Take a hard look at life...could there be something contributing to his outbursts? Is there more good times than bad ones, or the other way around? I once heard (or maybe read in a magazine?) that if you are considering divorce, think about after you are divorced. Imagine yourself running into your would-be ex on a date with another person. Would you be able to handle this? If not, you are not ready to let go yet.

I wish you the best of luck with everything!

You are very strong and loyal to be wanting to work things out with him and unfortunately by doing as much as you can to keep him happy you end up empty and resentful.

As you mention marriage counseling is not an option at the moment, remember you are a suffering individual and if you are not ok then any decision you make may not be the best for you and your kids. W

hy not going to counseling yourself? Heal, learn new ways of being ok even in this situation and when you are clear enough and strongh enough then go for it....whatever "it" may be. BUt with a more confident and assertive attitude. So in a few words....don't wait for him to change or want to do what you want (marriage counseling), seek help for you and heal and get stronger.
Good luck

Sometimes a wakeup call is a good thing. Most men think that we're always bluffing. You have to follow your heart and at the end of the day, have enough of yourself left to be there for you kids. If you're spent, find a place to recharge, even if it's moving on. If it's something he wants to save, then he'll do what it takes to win you back. Just give him the opportunity to do the right thing and if he doesn't, then at least you tried.
That's what I did and I was able to move on without regret and tell my boys the truth, when they asked. You have to be a healthy person to be a healthy a healthy parent.
It's an aweful position and I'm sorry you're in it. I know I'm better for having moved on, my ex never changed. But, always follow your heart. Good luck and God bless!!

Definitely, God, prayer and counselling, are the only way you will make it.

I also attend Fellowship church, and endorse the advice given for Christian counseling.

I don't make life decisions based on how I am "feeling", I always pray about it, and the Lord shows His way to me. ALWAYS. With that said, it is terriby unhealthy to mind, body and spirit to be verbally abused. Seek some help for the both of you.

If you are not able to make it to Ed's church, he also airs his messages/service on the USA network, and you can see his services online.

Be Blessed!!!

Ok, this is what I think, if he is not willing to work out any issues and TALK about what is going on, then you have done everything that you can. Your boys need their mom to be HAPPY. They need to be in a loving home, not in one where their mom is constantly critized and belittled (sp?) because you know what? They are going to pick up on it and start doing it to you too. They may not want to or even realize they are doing it, but kids pick up on all our traits. I'm sorry your going through this but there comes a point where you have to think about what is good for YOU and your kids. I know you love him and think he is a good man, but the way he makes you feel is not right. If he is not willing to go to counseling or get some help, if it were me, I would move on.
Good luck and take care of YOU.

Marraige Counseling...
Preferably by a Christian that will help you work through it.
My way or the highway is a problem... but if he is being ABUSIVE to you and your boys, mentally or otherwise, this is NOT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP!
GOOD LUCK!
I'm so sorry...

I 2nd Marriage Counselling.

It must be awful for you and I feel very bad for you, but wasn't he like this when you married him? Maybe the kids weren't there, but I bet he was the same guy. And now you have two kids, so I really think you ought to try counselling and work it out.

He went before, he can force himself again. You go first if you have to and maybe that would be best. Go and get started on sorting out your feelings.

Another thing you could do is get a job outside the house. Then, you have your job to give you praise and motivation and money. If you already have a job, great!

Hope you guys can work it out. He can't be a wonderful man and someone you want to divorce, can he?

There are plenty of books and counselling that can tell you how to handle negative language and stop it, or at least not escalate it.

Plenty of husbands do weird things, like throw toys away. I know one that after the kids clean up, if there's a toy on the floor he tosses it. Nice man and he loves his family. But I think that is so ODD! My best friends Dad hated mustard... REALLY... and he got so upset when his wife brought it into the house that he threw it away. Again, nice man, but that was totally weird.

So as long as you can re-direct your husband to not make comments that belittle you and you get him to counselling to deepen your relationship, then I think you have to forget some of the dumb stuff he does.

Sofia,

First of all I'm that you are being treated this way! A wake up call is what he needs. My husband and I were simuliar ( spelling ) I ended up and enough was enough and I knew I deserved better and not the way he did. I left and to our 10month old and my daughter 4 and we left. Needless there was more to my situation but a year later of not talkin, seein, or any of that we started to talk again and he really realized that he took us for granted. But just to let you know I am not perfect and told him it went both ways. So a wake up call with do him good!!!

My daughters father and I were 10 years apart and I tried and tried and tried to make my marriage work and that left me nowhere so I do not do the older man thing ever again!

Good luck and hpe you do whats right for you and your boys!
S.

I've been there more than once. To consolidate my advise, I would suggest that you decide exactly what you want and figure out what you need to do to get it. Sounds like he is a combination of a spoiled child and a bully. Stay calm, find your happy place to keep your stress and emotions under control. Your children need this as much as you do. Liken the situation to the military and explain to him that you'd like to live in a democracy. Have family meetings and take votes, otherwise your ready for an extended leave. Find someone that you trust and he respects to act as a mediator.
Tell him you've had time to grow up and it's time he sees you that way too. Get the emotion out of it as much as you can and tell him you expect the same when you disagree. If this is not honored, get in the car and drive away. Sooner or later he'll get the message. These are some starters anyway.
Good luck with this and I would make sure your personal support system is in good order. Get out, take some classes, volunteer, join the choir, spread yourself around with mutually respectful adults and you'll get a handle on what life should be like.
Good luck to you,
C. S.

You need to get yourself and your boys out while you still have a right mind about you. He will beat you down soooo far that you won't be thinking straight before you know it. If he doesn't do counseling then your at a dead-end. Please figure it out before your boys pay the price. You're 33 you still have a lot of living to do, and it sounds like you're giving up on your happiness!! Just my opinion. Good Luck!

I'm not telling you to stay...but you have to ask yourself if you can truly walk away with out ANY feelings. Whether it be you "feeling hurt and belittled" You will hold a grudge and the relationship will never be finished. On top of that your kids will be the ones that pay the price. Kids are very smart. They will hear one of you talking bad about the other one at one point or another and think what could I have done to make it better and could I have done differently? I'm not always happy in my marriage either and that's when God plays a HUGE roll. I don't know if you have a church at this time in your life and if you don't please go to Fellowship Church this Sunday. There are three different times, 4 different locations and Ed Young is the best pastor I know. I will keep you in my prayers. I know you are probably thinking...this wasn't the kinda of help I was looking for, but I promise God will give you answers. www.fellowshipchurch.com Please keep me updated.

I had a mom that packed us up and left at every whim of a fight between her and my dad, so I would normally never tell someone to do it. However, I could never live in`the situation you are in. The only way I would consider going back is if he gets help.

His actions tend to be the start of something worse and acting out like he does could get you or your kids hurt and I won't even think what the worse is on that. I think men like this that throw these little temper tantrums tend to be more scarey than a man who beats his wife every day. At least you know what to expect of a wife beater. I hate to categorize your situation as such, because I am not there and it isn't my place.

You deserve to be treated with the respect a wife and mom should get, not the dirt on his shoe. I know it seems right to stay for your boys, but you don't want your boys to grow up and treat their wives like this. I hope you seek some counseling for yourself and get out of that situation. It will either be the best thing in the world, and he will change, or it will be the best thing in the world, because you move on to be the awesome mom you are to those boys! Seems like a good thing either way.

Take care...

Good luck!