Should I let a good man go?
I have been married to my husband for a little over 5 years. My husband is 13 years younger than I. I had two children before I met my husband from previous relationships. My husband accepted and adopted my boys shortly after we got married and gave us all his last name. My husband has no kids of his own. I met my husband shortly after I got out of a really bad domestic voilent marriage. At that time, my husband was very understanding, caring and presistent on giving myself and my boys a better life. We moved from NYC to Central NJ for a change. In the begining of our marriage we were what seemed to be the "perfect couple." In my opinion, over the years as I started to regain my self confidence and mental strengh, I have noticed that I am not attracted to my husband as I was in the beginning of our marriage. I am comfortable with the person I am and I have started to notice things about my husband that I don't want to deal with anymore. To start, I have felt from the beginning that I didn't enjoy kissing him. I didn't think this would be a big deal. Over the years my husband has expressed that he would like to be more physically (sexually) active with me. I feel he is more sexually active than I am and has always been. He makes the physical part of our marriage a priority and I don't think its the most important thing. But he accepted that part of me. My husband takes care of the majority of the financial responsibility in our household. I do work, but I don't make enough money to cover all the bills. My husband is very emotional and sensitive especially when it comes to me. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything especially personal things because he takes it personally and offensive. Most of our conversations are arguementive and we can't seem to agree on anything unless it is something that is in his favor. He has expressed to me that if I was into him more physically he would not be so emotional. Lately, he has been using his financial advantage and my lack of attraction to threaten to leave me. He also don't pay the bills on time when he is upset with me. He claims he does that to get to me. He has been constantly telling me what he has done for myself and the boys since we have been married. This is not making me anymore attractive to him and I have expressed that. WE have made several attempts to talk about this but it is getting no where. We currently own a home of which he is not paying the mortgage on and we are about to go into forclosure. We plan to short sale the house next year and move to something smaller and a little more affordable. I am seriously thinking about moving on my own with my boys and try to make it without him. I know from where I stand right now that this will be a great struggle for us but I don't want to continue to be subject to being with someone who keeps telling me what they do for me and someone I am not attracted to anymore. Ideally, I would like to move with my husband because I can't afford to stay in the area I am in by myself but I don't want him to feel like I am using him for his money. I am trying to do the best thing for myself as well as for my kids. We are so comfortable and at peace when he is not around and at work. He works in NY and stays out there 4 to 5 days a week. He stays with us when he is off. I do appreciate all that he does for us but I would also like to see him be with someone who is going to be put as much into him as he does me. Its not fair to him that I am not attacted to him. He is a good person overall and deserves to be loved likes he wants.
why wouldnt you have Mental, physical, and emotional attraction to a good man? there has to be more, yes the phisical I could see but emotional and mental is gone but hes a good guy?
You can become attracted to him and fall in love with him all over again. Read some encouraging books on this. Think of ways that you think might rekindle that flame. It takes work to keep the fire burning. Satisfy his sexual need. That can be rekindled also. If you prefer to be alone and really don't want to be with him, go ahead and move on. But I wouldn't let him go without a fight. That seems like the best thing for you all, including you. That's just my opinion. Good luck!
Oh my, your post makes me feel bad for your HUSBAND (a rare and wonderful thing for me!).
By all means, give the 'Good Man' a chance at REAL love and move on, jeesh.
Since this is the 3rd time, maybe time to realize that not everyone is cut out for long term commitments? OR, learn what commitment REALLY is? If this sounds preachy, it's only because I'M only just now learning what commitment means, at 45 years old, and I'm reading in your post that you either don't know yet either, or are just not interested in learning.
Just my $.01.
:)
You know... I did something similar.
I was in a VERY abusive relationship (one that ended with a shotgun in my face), and not long after met my current husband. I'd sworn off men for at LEAST a year, and was really up front with my current husband about that... and he kind of blindsided me... because I was NOT interested or looking to date.
VERY persistent. Kind. Funny. Thoughtful. "Willing" to "just be a friend". But then (looking back), was the first sign of things to come. He was unwilling to just be my friend anymore. I was terrified of losing him. He'd become such a good friend, in so short a time. He was sooooooo the opposite of my ex. Now, for me, the physical attraction was always there. But I was still pretty broken. And he was threatening to leave me (can't be friends anymore because he cared to much for me, so either have a 'real' relationship with him, or he couldn't see me anymore), so out of fear of losing him... I got into a relationship with him.
In the beginning it was all rainbows and unicorns. He was soooooo different from my ex, he was SUCH a 'good man'. But there were quite a few things that set off my radar that I ignored.
I ignored them, because I'd just come out of a freakin' terrible relationship and my 'normal' was off, and my self confidence was in the tubes.
Like the manipulation.
Fastfoward a few years and no. He was not physically abusive like my ex. But he WAS mentally and emotionally abusive. Manipulative and controlling to the nth degree. And GONE.... all the time. It took so long to figure out (in PART) because he WAS gone all the time.
Year 3 to 4 is when "things" really started. But I'd bring something up (crossing the line, inappropriate whatever) and he'd be horrified, and say all the right things, and bend over backwards to make me feel safe/secure/loved. But then it would happen again, in a few months. And again. And again. Then I gradually found out more and more things about my husband.
Fast forward 11 years and I am now (and have been for a few years) in a completely abusive marriage. Still not physically (mostly).
The thing is... if I hadn't been so broken when we met... we'd have never gotten married. Even if we had... it would have ended not long after.
So I'm going to disagree with everyone else.... and say this: Trust Your Gut. It's been 5 years. Long enough to heal. Long enough for the warning signs (ummm.... threatening you with homelessness if he's upset with you is NOT kosher! NOR is making you feel 'less than', because he's the only one who can pay the bills... so unless you keep him happy he's not going to pay them).
I suspect your gut has been trying to warn you off him for awhile, even from the beginning. Something felt 'off' about him. But your standards had been soooooo lowered by your abusive relationship that you didn't notice.
I strongly recommend you find a good counselor to go and bounce things off of. To get an unbiased view of the daily life in your marriage.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Sit with him. Look at him. Smile. Say " I love you. "
Make love TO HIM.
You might say " well it's not that easy." And I say " YES, it is that easy. "
CHOOSE TO LOVE THE ONE YOUR WITH.
Merry Christmas.
Love is a choice. His treatment and manipulation of you is probably at the root of why you have lost your mental, physical and emotional attraction to your husband. I would say for you to seek counseling.
Perhaps using the tips and hints from the movie Fireproof could help you.
Long story short you need to make a decision about what you want for your future. What makes a good man good is how he treats you. You get to determine how you will or will not be treated in relationship. Also what is this business of him being out of the house for days on in for "work". Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder but out of sight out of mind comes into play.
Ultimately the only person you can change is you. So make the changes you need to make and see how he responds to the new you.l
Go to counseling. You owe it to each other and your kids. Don't just throw away a marriage because you're having some trouble. At least try to work it out with some help. If that doesn't do it then move on.
Please don't make any hasty decisions where there are kids involved. Try couples counciling first. Be sure to find the right one, which is extremely important, and stick with it for a while. You might be surprised what you uncover about yourself and him and be pleasantly surprised. You may find out he is struggling with something personal, like depression, and once he gets help he may be more appealing. I hope you give it some time and exhaust all your options and resources before separating. Your not alone! People feel the way you do all the time and regain the love again. Marriage is a long term project that requires lots of maintenance. Good luck!
Changing my post. I only read "Should I let a good man go"? I would let him go. Yes, he does sound like a good man in some ways. However, not paying the bills and telling you that he knows it get to you. Huh... You are not children, if you do not want to be with him let him go. It sounds like he is trying to control you with money. You can make it. There is a lot of programs out there for single mothers. (once you leave) He needs to move on as well.
It sounds like a vicious cycle. You withhold, he becomes emotional, you can't stand it so you withhold more, he becomes more emotional to the point he does things to get back at you, you get annoyed and withhold...etc, etc, etc.
I don't think you should let him go. I think you both need to work things out and you yourself really need to make an effort. Leaving him for the reasons you stated is going to come back at you later on in life and that will mess you up mentally/emotionally even more, thus putting you back at square one.
Its easy to feel stronger and more confident when things are easy. Your true character will show when things are difficult, like now. Prove yourself right that you are strong and confident and work this out.
If he treats you poorly and manipulates you, then he is not a good man. If you are both willing to go to counselling to work on your issues, that could be a good thing, rather than putting your boys through another divorce situation, but someone who does not treat you as his equal is not a good man or a good husband, and if that continues, I would give strong consideration to exiting the marriage.
