My Toddler Is Terrified of Our Super

My son was terrified of his uncle when he was a little boy. As soon as he laid eyes on him he would be in hysterics until he was out of view. The only thing I could do for him was to be there when it happened and not force him. I believe that kids have a sixth sense about people and we should trust their instincts.

Hi H.,

I feel strongly in trusting your daughter's reaction. Children usually do not have such a strong reaction unless something is wrong. My daughter had a similar reaction to a daycare worker (who did not have a criminal history) I eventually learned that the daycare worker was physically abusing my daughter. I wish that I listened to my instinct and recognized that something was wrong. My daughter was around the same age as your daughter and she did not have the words to tell me what was happening.

I disagree with the post that stated that you should have a background check done and if it is clean, make the super cookies? Having a clean record does not mean anything except that he may be a nice guy, or he just didn't get caught..If your daughter is afraid of this man regardless of the reason, she should not be exposed to him.

I don't mean to scare you, I just want to share my story, I would not want you and your daughter to go through what we are still going through because we trusted the wrong person.
3 years later and we are still waiting for our day in court. The abuser has been charged and others have come forward. This has brought a lot of turmoil in my daughters life.

I wish you the best.
Sarah, RN

I am so grateful you asked for advice. I believe the greatest gifts we give our children is teaching them the ability to face and conquer their fears. With much comfort and encouragement, you can help your child move past her fear. My only caution would be to be very clear that there isn't any additional reason for her to be afraid of the super other than he startled her one day. Be clear that there wasn't any opportunity for this man to have truly hurt or harmed your child in any way because if he did, her fear of him is real and there would be something more for you to do. Outside of that I would encourage you to help her work past her fear.

If it was just a matter of her being startled by him, I would stop avoiding interaction with him and just treat it as a normal course of action and let your little one see you are there for her protection and support.

I agree with Susan R. 1000 percent. Your daughter was frightened once by the Super and now remembers that when she sees him. I'm assuming you do not leave your daughter in a situation where the Super can be alone with her - how could he be molesting her? I think she's just developed an irrational fear...

I agree with the other mothers here. But there is a balance. I mean, therei s this woman who works at my husband's job and my oldest was so scared of her because first of all, he didn't see many black people and she has a wild, wild hair. NO opportunity occurred that she hurt him in way and was not around her alone nor did she have the chance to be mean. He was petrified of her looks. so, I kept explaining who she is and that I'm here and no one can hurt him and kept visiting his job often and now he smiles at her and would even shake hands with her. But, I hope that Super had no physical contact with her other than startling her.....if so, perhaps there may be other reasons for her fear and also, we must always trust our baby's and chilren's instinct. They seem to be accurate in most cases and let her know that you will always be there and what he is that he's the super and that you will leave her alone. Let her feel your trust and things will be okay. Let us know how it went.

I would suggest simply pairing him with good things in your daughters life. Pick something she loves but doesn't get very often( like M&Ms ) then explain to her before you see him that there is a new game: try to spot the landlord. Every time you do see him, get all excited and five her a few candies. Then just go about you business till next time you see him. In the beginning, since she has such a strong emotionl response to him already, you may need to be careful to start farther away. But you will quickly be able to get closer and closer and actually interct with him happily when you get within greeting distance. Once she is comfortable with you greeting him, you can give him a small bag of the candy that he will give her after she is close enough to say hi and is not crying. Very shortly you will be able to get rid of the candy and just mention something like, "On there is the m&m man, say hi!" and then just keep walking.

I can remember as a child having an uncle with a really deep raspy voice and I was terrified of him. I can vividly remember when he spoke or, laughed I would go running hysterical to my mom or dad. He would try so hard to speak in a gentle tone when I was around but to no avail I just wanted no part of him. Children can become frightened of things for so many different reasons. To be honest I don't think it is that crucial that she have contact with this man (it's not like he is a relative that she has to be exposed to) so I would not force her to speak to him right now.I would just try to reassure her that it is safe and that you are there to protect her. One thing I wouldn't do is continue to stay in the house when she sees him it will only reinforce the fear and also not teach her to face her fears. When you see him I would simply continue to reassure her she is fine and walk past him. Even if she flips out eventually she will realize there is no real danger. The more exposure she has to the situation with mommy there to help her through the better off she will be and the easier it will become. Good luck!

Kids have amazing intuition about people, whenever my daughter genuinely doesn't like someone I let her go with it.

Are you on friendly/cordial terms with the super? Is he basically a nice guy? I would be willing to bet that he is, and that he doesn't like the idea that a little girl is frightened of him any more than you like it. Maybe you can talk to him about it when your daughter isn't around, and then enlist his help and arrange a time when you and your daughter can go "meet" him and you can properly introduce her to him and show her that he's a nice guy who won't hurt her. If he feels comfortable talking to her in a friendly way when you are there, or engaging you in friendly conversation in front of her, that might help too. I think she needs to see that he's just a nice, ordinary man, that he didn't mean to startle her or scare her -- and if you model that you aren't afraid of him, and you make it a point to say hi to him when you see him, and otherwise are on friendly terms with him, and if he might be willing to help you out with this by responding in kind, she should eventually see that he is not some kind of scary monster, but just a nice man who works/lives in your building.

I am appalled, frankly, that people are jumping to conclusions that this man is some kind of molester or something just because your daughter is scared of him -- I would rather see the good in people than jump to conclusions that a three year old has a "reason" to fear him. You didn't say that she was alone when he startled her -- and at her age, I would assume she wasn't, but that you or another adult were with her -- and I'm sure he didn't do that on purpose, either. Children of that age are not able to "reason" why they are scared of something or someone. The amount of paranoia among some of the other respondants to this question, and the immediate leap to "he probably touched her inappropriately" is utterly, utterly insane to me...no, I don't think he did anything inappropriate to the child, I just think she's developed a fear based upon remembering being startled accidentally. Not everyone is some kind of pervert, and it's not fair to brand this man by saying that a not yet three year old child has the rational sense to be scared of him because he is or might be! I'm all for keeping our kids safe, but this does not sound to me like anything more than a simple case of memory linked to fear that can be overcome.

Best of luck to you with this.

S. :)

Hi H.,

I say leave her alone.
He's the Super - they don't need to be bestfriends.
And I trust the wee little ones.
The point is not to understand why she is afraid -
you may not find out as she can not articulate, but
to keep her safe.
She will remember your safe hugs and kisses more than
she will remember why she was ever afraid of the Super.

Good Luck

i trust baby/children's instincts more than anything else... i would just let it be. i agree with the other moms that there is no need for your daughter and the super to be best friends. If she is frightened of him, ignore him when you're with her. No need for conversations or forceful interaction. A smile exchange is enough.... soon when your daughter realizes he isn't going to harm her, she will get comfortable. If she doesn't then there is no love lost...

just another thought. could there have been any other incident with some other kids that she might have witnessed? are there other kids in the building who are also scared of the super? if so, there might be something going on... or there might have been some other interaction the super had with someone else that she got frightened off...

Is she afraid of anyone else? Are you sure he never touched her or said anything inappropriate to her? Do other kids in the building have the same fear of him? There might be a very good reason she is afraid of him. Otherwise try to figure out when he will be around and avoid him.

First off, how do you feel about the Super? Do you get any bad vibes from him? How do you react when you see him?

Next...can you do a criminal background check on the Super? If so and you find nothing,think of a way to show kindness to him and bring it out in him when your daughter is with you. Bake him cookies.

It has been my observation that children and animals have a six sense about people. Please don't ignore her feelings or try to get her to change them if in fact there is something lurking.

Nanc
BS in Criminal Justice
minored in Psychology