3 1/2 Year Old with a Public Bathroom Phobia

Well....my son used to get startled by the auto-flushers. You can put a post it note over the eye so at least you stall won't flush.

Panic is powerful and can be completely disabling, but if you approach it calmly, as a puzzle to figure out, with your son having as much choice as possible, he can get over this. Possibly in as little as one day, but allow for more time so he can take it at his own speed.

Start by giving him 3 terrific "tools" of empowerment: preparation, earplugs and post-it-notes! The earplugs to weaken the sound, the post-its (or a square of TP and a dab of spit) to cover the motion-sensing eye. Then the toilet won't flush until he gives it permission (almost as good as slaying monsters!). If needed, you can also add another technique called "tapping" which I'll describe at the end.

Start preparing him at home where your little guy feels safe. You can tell a story that works for him, perhaps about being a superhero or defeating a dragon or controlling a robot. Have him put in the earplugs, wash his hands, and dry them with your hair dryer, observing calmly that the hand dryer is just a big, noisy hair dryer in a box. And it can't even work until somebody brings their hands close. It has no power until somebody needs to use it, and then it helps them. It's a robot that's designed to do work for us.

Put a spot on the toilet tank with a button and tape, or dry-erase marker, etc., to represent a motion-sensing eye. Approach your toilet and show your son how to stick a post-it note over the "eye" so it will "sleep" until you're ready to leave. Next time he's ready to use the potty at home, if he can reach it, have him put the note over the eye, then remove it when he's ready to flush.

If he'd find this fun, he can also "help" your home potty be loud like the public toilet by roaring, banging on a pan lid, or some other enhancement that the two of you come up with as a creative game. This will help him start to see noise as simply noise. He can also try out his earplugs (you may need them, too) to see how much they reduce the sound. Incorporate this process into his story of success.

While still at home, describe a trip to the public restroom in as much detail as you can. Ask him to add details if he can. Help him envision a successful trip, using his powerful ear plugs and post-it notes.

Then plan a trip to a public restroom when he's not needing to actually use it so he can take tiny steps to desensitize his anxiety. Describe ahead of time what each step will entail, and don't push him beyond that step unless he seems comfortable. Just enter the restroom and stand there with earplugs in, wait for one of the noises, and step outside again. Smile, congratulate your son for his bravery, and have him notice that nothing hurt him at all! Ask him to describe what he heard, and compare it to his home experience. Give him a few minutes to calm down, if necessary, and do it again.

If he's still agitated, you may need to wait an hour or a day to repeat. It's worth proceeding slowly if he needs time – it is almost impossible to process new information while we're in a cold panic. But with patience, he can probably proceed one step at a time to walking into the restroom, washing and drying his hands, stepping into a stall and watching you place the post-it, observing that no flush happens until it's removed, and eventually placing the post-it, using the potty and removing the post-it himself. After each successful try, he will probably be able to proceed more quickly to the next step.

If his hysteria is so deep it won't budge, you can also try introducing "tapping," or EFT technniques to empower your little guy. (I've recently started using this to relax into sleep, and have started teaching it to my 5yo grandson. He seems to find it relaxing, too.) Gently tap the points as taught in the video with a variety of messages like "You felt scared yesterday by the noise in the restroom. Now you know it's just noise, and it can't hurt you. You are safe and strong when you go into the bathroom." Change the message a bit for each point so he'll keep listening for what's new.

I've used gradual desensitization for a panicky fear I had a dozen years ago (wish I'd known about the tapping then!), and I've used it for a couple of hypersensitive pets with very good results. I also used it with a little girl who was terrified to cross a long footbridge. By giving her the time she needed, she got across in about half an hour, with a big smile of pride and a desire to do it again.

The important thing is to stay aware of rising fear, and not try to push too fast. To whatever degree you can, allow your son to set the pace. And if you can make it his choice to tackle the problem in the first place, that would be better yet. Find out how to do this gentle coaching in the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Best of luck to both of you.

My daughter was/is the same way. Her fear is of the flushing sound and especially the automatic flushing. But for some reason, she won't use restrooms with a black seat. I have no idea what that is about.

She is 9 now and as been this way since she was 3. Even at daycare, they had to take her to the staff bathroom because it had a white seat.

It's crazy, but I just acknowledge her fears and try to work with them. I don't yell or punish her or say it's ridiculous because most of us have fears, some we outgrow and some we don't.

Over time, she has realized that some aren't as loud as others and when faced with the alternative of using a toilet with a black seat or having an accident, she will use it. I just tell her not to look at it and that seems to work.

We do the no flushing until she's done and can cover her ears. Sometimes I have to block the auto flush sensor so it doesn't go off too soon. Totally freaks her out if it goes off while she's still sitting!

It has helped greatly that she trusts that I won't flush until she can cover her ears and that she knows I will cover the sensor. Over time, she is outgrowing this even though it's not gone completely.

I'm sure your son will outgrow it too. Just try to make it no big deal and part of the normal routine. Once he sees that, he will more than likely become less terrified.

And I never though of using a post it note! I am definitely going to stash some in my purse!

This is very common. My kids and ALL my friends kids were the same way as Toddlers.

A good thing to have, is a car potty. If you look on Amazon, inputting the search word "on the go potty" many will come up. We have had once since my eldest was a toddler and still use it. Most of my friends have one too. It comes in REAL handy.... anywhere where there is no toilet, at parks, while stuck in traffic, on the road for a long time, and there is no nearby toilet or clean one.
It is a life saver....
When my daughter for example, was afraid of public toilets... we'd use our car potty. Or if we were at parks or stuck in traffic and she couldn't hold it.

all the best,
Susan

He's told you why. I suggest you honor his feelings. It's common for toddlers, preschoolers, and even older children to be afraid of the flushing toilet. So, don't use the public bathrooms for now. He'll get over his fears. This is a passing stage.

The fact that he was able to tell you why he doesn't want to use public bathrooms is wonderful. Most children are frightened but aren't able to verbalize their fear. I suggest that by honoring his feelings and not forcing him you will be building trust that will encourage continued honesty and willingness to share his feelings.

I have no help but I NEVER used the public bathrooms as a child. I would hold it all day at school. Until I got a job in my late teens. Or sometimes I would sneak into the teachers bathroom. I never got over it.
I hope for his sake you can find a way to help him.
Good luck! Best wishes.

My son was the same way. I had to put ear plugs in his ears when we went into a public bathroom (which is very rarely if I can help it)...I cannot stand a public bathroom, I carry sanitizing wipes and a portable potty seat just in case there is no getting around it. (LOL) My son hated the sound of the toilets and hand dryers. I would be too they are extremely and unnecessarily loud. Ear plugs helped a lot. He is now almost 5 and I no longer need them.

Im not much help, but I was the same exact way as your son. I was always afraid of falling in. And even now, I still don't like public restrooms or the toilets that flush automatically, but I've gotten over it. Maybe getting a potty for in the car? That worked for me and my parents.

Good luck!