My Sons Don't Get Along with Each Other

Hi M.. I was very interested in your post only because I have two children (a 12-year old son and an 8-year old daughter) who are the same way. It is driving me insane. I am a divorced parent and I, too, have tried everything. Just tonight at dinner they were picking on each other and I said that if they did not stop, they were going to spend the rest of the night at the kitchen table doing something together. So they stopped, but right after dinner it started up again. I even told them last week that maybe we would start going to counseling to learn why they do not get along so much. I know I am not helping you much, but I wanted you to know that you are not the only one. SOmetimes it helps to hear that. So I will be interested to hear what others say. Maybe in a month we can enter another post telling everyone how wonderfully our children are getting alone. GOod luck! K.

I am also in the same position as you are I have three sons 11, 9,and 8 I also have a 4 year old daughter. My sons nic pic with each other all day. It mostly stems from my oldest son. He loves to tease, call them cry babies. I would tell him to stop he says what I'm not doing anything. The second oldest is a very emotional kid so if you hurt his feelings he cries or wants to start beating him up or of course tease his younger brother and so on and so on. I have done evrything I can as well. My husband says their boys let them work it out, accept if they pick on his princess which also stems more problems. You love her more yadda yadda. I used to play mediator a lot But have styopped it is too frustrating everyone has an opinion and mostly someone is lying, they get mad if you punish the wrong person and you are the bad guy. I am mostly the bad guy because of this. So now I listen and then I ask them how do you think we should handle this if I like the suggestion everyone agrees we go with that, if I don't agree I make a decision. A lot of the time I will tell them to handle it. They don't like it but they either get along or they go in their room and read or play games. It is still something I battle with everyday. This is how kids are. I used to beat up my younger brother when I was little My older sister used to pick on me we were all three years apart. I think the most important thing is to always let them know you love them and just make sure it doesn't become really violent. Good luck! G..

M.,
I agree with the other moms here, try family counseling. It sounds like you have tried everything you can, maybe let someone out side of the family dynamics and emotions see what they can see. I can refer you to some places depending on where you live if you are interested. Lots of place will offer a sliding fee or work with insurance if money is an issue. Good luck!

M.,

I know where your coming from kind of. My younger brother and I are 5 years apart and my other brother and I are 7 years apart. When we were growing up I remember fighting with them all the time. It didn't matter what it was over. My mom was at her wits end for a while. What we wound up doing was something that I plan to start when my kids are old enough. We did a weekly family meeting. We would plan who did what chores for that week. You couldn't have the same chore two weeks in a row and picked them randomly. We also planned a menu for the week and who was cooking it. But the thing that helped the most was the time every week when we went around the table and everyone got a chance to rant about what was bothering them. You couldn't interrupt them as they were ranting but once they were done anyone could respond to what they said. Once it was brought up at a meeting, unless it kept happening, that was where it was left. It was kind of like a counseling session. When we stopped after my brother's left the house, things between me and my parents got worse again. I tried for years to get us to do that again because I knew that it was one of the only things in our family that ever worked because there was no interruptions and you couldn't dispute how a person FELT only what happened in a certain situation. Things during the rest of the week weren't great but they became bearable because we all learned to just take things and then bring them up at the weekly meeting where it was all open. This way we couldn't get in trouble for what we said.

Have you tried ignoring it? Maybe they continue to do it because of the reaction you give them? Perhaps your oldest son feels like the 5 year old took his place as your "baby" and is taking that out on him. I guess I would suggest trying to stay out of it unless it appears that one is in danger of being hurt seriously.

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I have a 12 year old daughter and almost 6 year old son.
They are fighting CONSTANTLY! About everything!
We are so sick and tired if it. It makes us tired (literally), to hear them bickering and fighting all the time. We had a "family meeting" the other night. We decided to try to lay out family ground rules. I will be getting this posted up very soon. We have planned on trying to involve the kids more with activites. Which is not going to be easy as both me and dad work full time and also some weekends. So they are home alone after school for about an hour and a half.
We can up with a dinner menu for the week. Everyone gets one night to pick what they want. Then we planned movie night and a game night. I am not sure if this will work or not, but I figure to give it a shot.
As for family counseling, as someone suggested, we have been in counseling for years! Nothing has changed much. Advice that was given to us was: don't get involved with the arguements, don't become the mediator, let them work it out. I can't stand to listen to it! This did not work for me. Then it was to talk to them about what they could have done differantly. This only worked if we stepped in, thus, back to rule #1. And after talking to them, it seemed like nothing "stuck". They were back at it again. I have tried taking things away, sending them to time out, to their own rooms, trying again, and still nothing works!
You would think that a 12 year old could be more helpful and understanding, but no. She has to have her way, then lies to us about everything. I am as stuck as you are.
I hope one of us can find a solution to this problem. I will send you an email if I find something that works, and I would hope you do the same for me.
I would be open to chatting online about this with you, so we could bounce ideas back and forth and to talk to someone who really understands.
-M.

Hey, I have two children 15 years apart and they still fight, But I can say this, If they are sleeping in the same room it might be why they are doing this, The 11 year old is now at an age where he needs his privacy and will push away the 5 year old. You did say this has been going on for a while. I think you need to separate their rooms and if they fight give them both time out in each others room, Also the 11 year old should start to be mature enough to know better not to feed the 5 year old what he wants. But I have two girls, I am I guess going by my childhood and how my three brothers were with each other. Good luck, I hope it gets better for you. Let me know.

M.,
I have a son that’s 12 and one that’s 7 and I could have written your post! They are like oil and water nothing we say or do deters there behavior. We have even ban them from playing with anyone but each other until they could get along! It took 2 weeks and it seemed that we had turned the corner but as soon as we let them play apart it was right back to nit picking, antagonizing and full out fights. We are thinking of putting the ban on playing with anyone but each other again, this time for a month and if they are doing well we will give them each one day to play with a friend per week the following month then add a day each month as long as they continue to get along with each other.
I feel for you, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone in this. I’ll be reading everyone’s advice too!

Hang in there!
T.

My neice & nephew fight alot also & they are 4 1/2 years apart. I think the main reason that they fight is because their personalities are so similar. They are both instigators & they both respond the same way. Maybe that is the case for your boys. They get along with there other brother just fine when it is just 2 of them but get the 2 together & watch out. My sister basically ignores it or tries to get them to work it out themselves.

Good luck!

I once heard from a pyschologist that the perfect age differnence in siblings is 6 years apart. I guess she was wrong after listening to your story. I saw on one of those nanny 911 shows a single mom with two boys about the same age difference as yours. The little brother was the instigator and the big brother would have enough and just beat the stuff out of the little brother. They did several things, they made a time out spot for little brother who was always creating problems and a big trouble maker and were consistant and followed through always then they also had the mom do activies with both boys at the same time being very encouraging and fun and games that created team work. I don't know what else to tell you. Sometimes people just don't get along. My brother is 4 years older than I am. I have ONE good positive memory of him being nice to me. I have hated him my entire life and now we're 26 and 30 years old and it sounds awful but I still HATE him. I'm not even sure if I love him. He has hurt me physically(beating up,punching, hitting etc.) and mentally my entire life and he's got issues like being on drugs and stuff but he was just horrible to me as a child. He's an abusive person and it stems directly from his childhood his behavior hasn't changed. Not trying to scare you or anything that's just my relationship with him. I'm not saying your boys are like this at all but is one an instigator or one have some sort of emotional problems or something? Maybe try family counseling. It's amazing what other people can see about your family being an outsider that you miss when trying to solve the problem. I would try conseling.

I have a similar problem with my 3 and 4 year olds. It's not constantly happening but when it does I make them each go and play in their own rooms by themselves and don't allow them to play together. They learn real quickly that it's better to get along so they don't have to play alone.
As far as going places, I make it very clear to my kids what my expectations are before we even leave. If they can't get along then they don't get to go anymore. They don't sit next to each other either. I'm super strict and very consistant so they know if they don't behave they'll get the consequences that I said they would, whether it be a time out, grounding or losing a toy. When we are in a restaurant they either behave or they sit and watch the rest of us eat desert. That's only happened once :o)
Good luck,
J.