My Son's Visitation with His Father

Hmmmmmm and who is the parent here? A three year old shouldn't have the option of making the decision where he wants to sleep. He should stay the night with daddy. If all he has to do is cry to come home, what will he cry about next? I know I want a new car Waaa. Lol

My son is around the same age, and he didn't like sleeping in a new place. My mom would take him overnight sometimes and we had the same problem. What she did was let him sleep in her bed for the first few nights, and soon he was comfortable enough to sleep in the extra room. New things are scary for little ones, and sometimes all they need is a little time to adjust.Good luck!

Dear H. C

I think you are half way there already just by communicating with your ex. Well done to both of you for making him your priority. Don't forget that communication should also include your 3 yr old. This is his way of communicating to you both. Children that age also don't understand time so he is not aware that every week on a specific day of the week i get to be with dad. This is unsettling for a child. You could make a calendar of the week and have a picture of dad on the day of the week that he will spend his special night with dad. Then have another image that he places on each day of the week and move it along the calender as the day progress. This gives him a visual image of when he will be with dad and you can make a big deal of his special dad. Dad can also make a big deal about how excited he is about having him over. Just don't fall into the trap of making every stay a grand occation as he needs to still see dad as a parent. He probably also has a fear that if he leaves you you may never come back. If dad can leave then so can mom. The advice about creating a special dad/son bedtime routine is great but tell your ex to get your son involved in what this will include. (within reason, you don't want him making unreasonable demands) With time he will get used to it. Good luck.

My advice is to ride it out. Your son is learning to deal with a new situation. No longer does he have one home with one bedroom. He now has two homes and two bedrooms. That will take some adjustment. It sounds like he is rebelling against staying with Dad overnight because his is the new house, new room and not the one where he spends the majority of his time.

I know as a Mom of 3 of my own children that your are concerned with his mental well-being and happiness. But I have to agree that riding out this aggravation in the short-term will make him happier and healthier in the long term. I think this for several reasons. One it is forcing your son to learn to adapt to new situations and changes in his life (which will always occur. some small, some large but there are always changes.). Also, it will allow your ex to maintain and develop a better relationship with your son and your son will come to understand that even with the changes his Dad is still there for him and still loves him. Next, having a 3 1/2 year old myself, I know that sometimes the rebelling against staying in a certain place or with a certain person is just a cry out that the child does not like the changes going on and doesn't want to deal with them. Although I am not divorced, my 3 1/2 year old is dealing with having a new younger brother (now 7 months old). Different situations but both major changes. And, of course, similar reactions. Mine doesn't want to sleep in his room because Mommy isn't there holding him while he goes to sleep. Instead, she is feeding and taking care of his little brother. He doesn't have a problem with the jealousy issues during the day. They usually only crop up at bedtime when Dad is putting him to bed.

Also, if you and your ex have agreed upon certain bedtimes and stick to them, I don't think you will have a problem with his sleep patterns in the long run. You may have a little problems with being overly tired the day after he has fought Dad about going to bed for a couple of weeks (since he is only there once a week). But if you and Dad both stick to your guns about the same bedtime, that and your sons arguments should lesson as his schedule becomes more predictable and routine to him.

Good luck with both your little guy and your ex. I H. my advice helps you out.

Dear H.,

Divorce is tough - for you and your little one. When parents can both still have good, consistent, loving times though children do much longer in the big picture of things and over the long run.

I would suggest that you do some work ahead of time each visit and talk it up about how fun it is to go with Daddy and let them continue to develop their flow and their relationship. Then plan something that you will really enjoy that you would need a babysitter to do ordinarily and give yourself something to look forward to also.

When you and your little one can both get into what you are doing away from each other it will be easier for both.

It may sound simplistic and it might take a few times to really see the results of your experiment; but it will be well worth it in the long run.

Best regards,
S.

It sounds to me like you are taking all the right angles to the situation. If you are like me you are probably a constnt worrier about things. I think everything will be ok. Your son just needs to get use to mommy and daddy being apart now. Just give it time.

Dear H.

As a stepmother to a wonderful 7 year old, I can feel your pain. It is a very hard transition. I started dating my husband when his daughter was just turning 2. We got married when she was 3 1/2. shortly after that, we began overnight visits. We worked our way up to them. First, she would come to our house all day Saturday, then go to her mom's at night. Eventually, she stayed over. It still wasn't easy. We always did a long bathtime routine. She played in the bath and had a lot of fun. Then we started a bedtime routine. After bath, we would read stories, then sing lullabies. One of us would lay with her until she fell asleep. I am not a proponent of this normally, as I did not do this with my own children. DUe to her unusual circumstances, we did it for her. We actually started to "wean" her off this routine, when I became pregnant with my baby. I didn't want her to think it was the new baby's fault when she no longer had one of us laying with her. So, we would leave the room and tell her we would be back to check on her every 5 minutes. We did this and began slowly stretching the time. We checked on her until she fell asleep. Now of course at age 7 we don't have the same issues. However, I have to say there are still some nights when she is overtired, doesn't feel 100% or some other reason, that she will miss her mommy. I think it will be that way forever. WE just stick to the routine. Good luck!

have you both sat down with him and talked about his feelings? Try to work together as much as possible and yes have him stay over. Else he will in the future pit you 2 against each other.

You might also want to join a parents group such as pwp parents without partners, divorce support group for yourself divorce care

Hugs, I feel for you. As I was in the same simalar position years ago with my 2 girls. First off I would find your son a good therapist/councelor to talk it out with (you and/or dad can be in the room as well) Second off I would make sure that his father spends that extra time helping him fall asleep every night he is there, by laying beside him reading him a book or singing nursery ryhmes together or just talking to let him feel secure. Another thing I might suggest is working with the 3 year old, try what he wants for awhile and see if his feels more secure later on, it is alot for a 3 year old to handle having to switch back and forth between mom and dad's when he was used to being with them both together. He will mature over time and I agree it is just a phase but I absoultely think it could hinder him if you force him to stay overnights with dad when he refuses. Sure he needs to adapt to it, but not forced to do it, work with him and you can overcome it. I do suggest getting him help too as it is a bigger issue to him adapting to it than you and his father. Hugs, it is going to be a long road, but working together the 3 of you can and will adapt and move on. Best Wishes

Well your son is at a really young age. And this is all new to him. He knows that mom is not there at night and will not be there when he awakes. You don;t want to push the issue to much. Have you talked to your son about his new room?

It is hard. But at least you all are trying.

Best of luck

My friend recently went through this with two children who were 2 1/2 and 4 at the time. You just need to stick it out. Yes, I'm sure he's acting out, after all, Mommy and Daddy together is all he knows and doesn't like this new situation. May I suggest having his dad maybe take him out to buy a new bed set or something? I know when my daughter had to sleep at my MIL's she was more into it when she got a cool new bed instead of a regular bed. Just a thought.

It's going to take time, but he should adjust eventually. It's now been about a year for my friend and both kids are doing ok. However, they spend every other weekend at their dad's as well as a couple nights a week.

Hello H. C:
Have you asked your ex about the bedtime routine at his home? You can compare your routine with his and come up with one that your son can get use too. Best Wishes

The only thing I would add is to make sure that your ex follows the same (or very similar) bedtime routine that your son has when he's at your house. Does he call to say goodnight? If so, then be sure to call when your son is at his dad's. A routine makes kids feel safe, so the more routine his bedtime is, the more comfortable he'll be sleeping at his dad's.
Good luck to all 3 of you.

I think you should make him stick it out. As long as you know he is safe with his dad, let his dad help work on the situation while he's at his house. He has a right to having his son there and although it's hard...your son will most likely get over it after a few nights there. Hang in there.

Have you thought of extending the visit? Little ones don't like change and one night out of seven is not enough time to adjust. Did your son help to pick out the things for hiss new room? does he have his favorite books and music? I would make his dads as similar as home and have him help in the decisions of what is in his room, that way it feels like his and his dads and not just his dads. Have patience. Call him, reassure him and love him. Good luck.

As long as you know his father is a good father and taking good care of him, I think you should make him stick it out. As much as it may hurt you to see him go through it....it's his Dad. He needs to keep that relationship with him. It's tough right now with the changes, and kids, especially boys, turn to their moms for comfort. You can be there for him, maybe have him call you before he goes to bed, so he still knows you're around. My kids' father and I broke up when my oldest was just about that same age and we went through some of the same things. Now, it's just a normal part of life and the kids don't say anything. Good luck!

He is acting out and trying to let you know he doesn't like this new arrangement not just the new room but that fact that his dad doesn't live with you anymore. As far as fixing it, It isn't so much a phase as it is a means of telling you he's unhappy. But your Ex was right it is something he is going to have to get used to. I would have his dad try a new and special bedtime routine something like reading him a book or 2 for some extra special dad time. Also make sure you let your son know that just because daddy doesn't live in the same house doesn't mean he loves him any less and its not his fault daddy doesn't live at your house either.

I went through the same thing when my daughter was 4.5. She didn't have her own room at her Dad's loft-type apartment, she slept on the pull out couch and had to keep her toys under a dining room hutch. My X chose to rent a trendy loft apartment instead of taking care of his daughter's needs and getting a 2 bedroom so I really give your X credit for making your son a priority and having a special place for him.

I agree with the 2 other posters who said to stick it out. I know its really hard being divorced and being a single Mom but encouraging your son to spend the whole time with Daddy will only benefit you down the line. The more open your lines of communication are with your X with co-parenting for your sons sake will give your son such an advantage. If he gets sick and you feel its best for him to stay with you for your husband's weekend maybe that suggestion will go over better, or if you need to switch weekends at some point. The best news is that you will get at least one night to recharge your batteries, run errands, etc. without having to worry about the safety of your son.

If he knows you are ok with him being with Daddy, he will more likely be ok with it. Remember that some children feel they are abandoning their parent when they go with the other.

I wish you luck.