Advice on Overnight with Dad

The only thing that comes to mind is that he'll (all of you) just have to suffer through it one time. Maybe he won't sleep much. Probably it will be a horrible event. But, the next time shouldn't be as bad. It seems to me that it is just another version of "sleep training". He has to experience sleeping there overnight to understand that he CAN do so and that nothing terrible happens. And then the anxiety will fade a little more each time.
If he doesn't have a "lovey" that he sleeps with regularly, that would be priority #1. Get him one, and let him sleep with it every night. Then when he goes to his dad's the lovey goes too. You could also let him take his pillow from home, or if he has a favorite blanket, that might help, too. Items that help him feel comforted and allow him to still feel connected to "home". That he is not just "displaced"... his stuff can attach him to "home". Just be sure that if he takes items, that his dad understands the importance of the items being returned WITH your son, so that he can take them back and forth to connect the two places. If he just takes them there and leaves them until the next visit, he will not form the same attachment.

I know it is heart-wrenching, but his dad calling you and then letting him come back "home", only reinforces to your son that if he is upset, he needs to be at home with you. That if he gets upset enough, he'll get what he wants. It's tough. But it is much like other things that we have to tell them "no" about. No one wants him to be traumatized, but it's his DAD. Not some stranger! Dad needs to tell him "sorry, no" . Then give him tons of love and attention first thing the next morning, so that all the fuss is "gotten over" early the next day. The next time should be easier. Dad bringing him home to you b/c he is upset isn't helping him learn what is going to happen.
I'm not going to assume that Dad is just doing the "fun" stuff then handing him back for the "tough" stuff, but Dad DOES need to learn how to handle these situations. Not pass him to you to sort it all out.
Just my thoughts.

My son was 14 months when his dad and I divorced and although my daughter was three, she had often spent the night at her Me ma's, which was where he stayed when he had the kids. He had to bring him back many times. What helped was just letting go of the overnights until he was ready. Even having me spend the night a few times was helpful. As much as we just want to say, See he doesn't like you, he loves me only. It is important to teach our children to have confidence in the decisions we make for them and to trust that they will be fine away from us. I would wait 6 months and try again. Maybe his "dog" or stuffed animal can spend the night and you come pick him up right at bedtime, in pajamas and all, after brushing teeth, the bedtime story, the whole routine. You come get him and return first thing in the morning to eat breakfast, get dressed, etc. Put his favorite blanket, or familiar sheets on the bed, tuck in his "stuffed animals" say goodnight and let your son go wake up his stuffed animal to join him for breakfast. Letting him see that everything is the same from nighttime to morning will help him realize that he could sleep here. It is also helpful to have dad stick with the routines of bedtime, nap times, etc. He needs to know that his dad is going to make everything as much like his normal life as possible. Having an involved father means SO much to a child. Please encourage this man, whom you chose to be your child's father, to be the best he can. Buy him books, encourage him, tell him about father-themed events at church, etc. Building him up as a dad is best for your son, whether you two got along or not. Imagine that his man was your grown son and it was your grandson you were concerned about, you would be more encouraging than nagging.

How about making a replica of his room at "home" at his dads house - same bed sheets, same curtains, same paint. Maybe if his surroundings are the same he will feel more comfortable.

Also, if there is an animal/pillow/blanket etc that he usually sleeps with at home having this at bedtime at his dads may help him feel more comfortable.

BTW - I just wanted to say that I think not making a big deal is the best thing you and his dad can do for him. A lot of times at this age they do things like this but they don't know why "they don't want to stay at dad's" or other things. Not making a big deal of it teaches them that having feelings is ok. As they get older they will naturally become more rational in their feelings and these things will happen less often.

Hi L.~

I just recently got a divorce 2 mos ago and my son will be 4 January 30th. Thankfully, my son adjusted to staying at both homes very easily. Although the first couple of times mainly at bedtime would say, "I miss Mommy or I miss Daddy depending on where he was. I don't know much about your situation but what we did was:
Keep things as normal as possible as far as how we related to each other...calm, peaceful communications.
We would also let him know that we miss the "other parent" as well and then let him know when he would be seeing the parent again.
Plenty of attention and cuddling...relaxing bath with a little Lavender Oil in the water.

Also, we did allow him to sleep with us in the beginning until he got used to the new arrangement and that helped him feel secure.
***Also, go to Whole Foods and over by personal care in the homeopathy section get a bottle of BACH FLOWER ESSENCE RESCUE REMEDY. Get the SPRAY bottle as it is easier to use. We have used it with our son since a baby & OURSELVES during really stressful moments!! It is amazing...it works on the emotional level and helps calm & reassure providing a sense of safety and wellbeing......I am NEVER without it! Just a couple of squirts in the mouth...once he has it he will want it when upset and sees you with it!

Question: What is the schedule like for dividing the time sharing?

For us it works out better that Sunday a.m -Wed. he is with his Dad (he is in school during the day) and I pick him up from schoold Wed. - Sat. am with us alternating Saturdays. That way he has a block of time and can adjust without having to transition to much and then he feels settled and secure...knows where he is if he wakes during the night without being scared.

Now, he goes back and forth and his happy in both homes. Thank God!

I wish you lots of support and hope this helped as I know it is painful to experience when it does happen leaving both parents frustrated as well.

Just give a lot of love and reassurance...and encourage him to talk about what he is feeling that is really important that he is heard too even though living conditons have changed...you will always be his parents and love him and THAT will NEVER change!

It will get better in time.

Have a great day!

Hi, L.. Well, he's only 3. He doesn't understand the whole "2 houses" thing yet. Does he get to take his favorite sleeping toy over to Dad's? Make sure he has his comfort stuff. You might try sending him with his favorite blanket and pillow, and Dad can tell him, "See? you still have all your bed stuff, even over here."

Alternatively, you can try having Dad practice with him on putting his toys to bed some time before bedtime, as a time of playing where he learns that his bed at Dad's is safe and comfortable. You can also try letting him have a nice picture of you to stand by his bed so that he feels you're there in the form of a picture. Or you can kiss a toy and tell him that you're with him because your kiss stays on the toy all night.

Don't expect your son to get the whole separation thing quickly and easily at age 3. Have a lot of patience with him. And try not to feel guilty or anything -- you have to live peaceably, even if that means living apart from his dad. Just understand that the intellectual stage your son is in makes it hard for him to tell you exactly what's bothering him, and it's also hard for him to process this kind of information. It's going to take some time.

Peace,
Syl

Well first of all--don't let him bring him back to you. He IS safe at his dad's house--by having him cry and bringing him back to you--you are only (inadvertently) reinforcing his fear of spending the night over there. The only way to make him feel safe is to have him stay there and be fine in the morning.
Victoria is right--you all need to get through it and each time it will get better.
Transition and change is very hard for kids (especially this age--I have a 3 year old myself). Your son is used to you and your house, so of course that is where he wants to be. But he is safe and needs to also get used to his dad's house.
So my advice is to keep his bedtime routine over at his dad's as close as you can to the one he has at home. Also if he sleeps with any stuffed animals, blankets, etc. make sure he takes them to his dads house. Even his pillow and sheets will make him feel more secure.
Make sure he has a decent nightlight so he can see the room. We found this to be very important when we moved our son from his crib to his bed (he would be still sleeping in his crib now if we left if up--lol).
It's very important though- that his dad doesn't take him back to you--that really does just undermine getting him to feel safe and secure at his dads.
the first nights will be the worst but he will get used to it. And he'll get better, just tell his dad to be consistent--the more time he spends over there, the better he will be.

L. - Victoria makes great sense. I think he is also having some separation anxiety as you are home with him all day everyday. My oldest is 11 and she always chooses being with me over going some where else that "I" am not.

After my husband left us, I had a very tough time. My church had a camp during the summer, it was for 1 week, but only my oldest was old enough to go (5), at that time. We had never been apart before. It was so hard for me to wave her goodbye and drive home with my other 2 children.

I found out after she had come home, she threw up the second night and I was heartbroken that she was sick and Mommy wasn't there. But they took good care of her, she stayed the week, and loved it!

So unfortunately for us Mom's we have to let our babies deal with unpleasant things from time to time, it is part of growing up. His Dad really needs to make his son feel at home - no matter how much work it takes from him.

He really needs a Dad, my husband has nothing to do with our children except pay child support, they miss him very much and I have no magic answer to explain away his bad behavior towards them.

God bless you
M. F

I another one agreeing with Victoria... You are his security blanket - and that is fine - but - one day the blanket is old, ragged and has to go - and - one day you will want to have a date - or do something with friends and - you'll have to say no?

I keep grandkids overnight and - the first time or two they do not go to bed easily. But - they eventually learned to be comfortable at my house. Dad needs to get info from you about bedtime routine and - helping his son to calm down well before bedtime (men and their sons DO tend to enjoy wilder, louder more stimulating games than mommies do, no?) Your son should be told, "tonight, you will stay with Dad all night, because mommy is going to be________ (fill in the blank)". (Then - do what you said you were going to do.) Which - by the way - will become very important as your son gets older. You and Daddy need to make a plan together about how to handle a situation. Tell you son what you are going to do. Then do what you say you are going to do. (And - don't blame each other for it. It's just "working the plan".)

This too shall pass. :-) Enjoy!

Great advice so far!

In addition to the great advice so far, I wanted to add:
-Don't forget, you and his dad are the adults in this and he will learn really quickly how to get his way.
-It's your responsibility to foster the relationship between them...yes its hard if you have resentment towards Dad but as we all know, parenting (single parenting at that) is in no way easy! In the long run, it will only benefit you and your son as he grows up and looks back on things.
-Talk to your son a head of time-throughout the week-the day before-about the plan for the weekend. I know my son went through it a lot but by the time he got to his dad's house, he forgot about it and was fine.
-Bringing something special to share with his dad-like a fav story to read at bedtime, a fun dvd or snack..something to make this special and exciting for your son.
-Also talking to your son about how excited his dad is and how much his dad misses him may help too. Have him call his dad during the week to talk about the weekend.
When it comes time for the visit and your son starts to act upset, remind him he will be just fine and have a good time and don't react to his "upset" behavior.

As long as he's safe that's all that matters. Of course he doesn't want to leave you--all of his toys and bed and things that he's used to are with you--and of course, you're mama....It will be easier. It will probably get better and then happen again....just remember, you're the adult!