Hi, pls give me your advice if you have a similar experience.
I am a blessed mom of a 20 mo old boy and he is still nursing. Mostly just when he naps in the afternoon and before he goes to sleep.
I plan to wean him when he turns 2. I've tried to wean him in the past but it was not worth to deal with his unhappiness about it bec. he enjoys it so much and gets so much comfort from it thatI figure he's my only son and he'll only go through this stage once and so i figure let him have it.
The problem is this, whenever he is frustrated or feeling not good, he runs to my breast to nurse and wants to nurse many times throughout the day, several times a day if he can, if i stay in the house with him at times! This is after we've already established a nursing sched. for him of 2 x a day, for naps and before bedtime, he's gone back to nursing several times a day.
Lately this has been too much, we went on a trip and when we got back he was sick for a bit and now just starting to feel better. Since we got back, He basically wants to nurse whenever he does not feel good about something. I don't mean to sound impatient about this but sometimes I can't get anything done bec. the minute I sit down, he's coming over and pulling down on my top so he can nurse, he's probably thirsty but he's already drinking his milk from his cup succesfully for some time now, he loves water and drinks some milk daily, he loves breastmilk, it's his favorite but he seems to want to nurse whenever he's bored, not feeling good about something whether physically or emotionally...
I think what perpetuates this behavior is that his dad, my hubbie is not home a lot bec. he travels for his job so he is only home on weekends so it's only my son and me most of the time.
I take him out daily to the playground, park and i host playdates every 2 wks, i make sure he has the socialization needs met but he seems to be really focused on nursing...i dread the day i wean him...gosh, his tantrums are so hard to deal with, i hate to seem suffer like that.
when he has tantrums bec. my breast hurts and I just can't nurse all day long, he bangs his head on the floor. I tell him not to do this but it seems he can't help himself when he is miserable. The only comfort for him is my breast (I am like his human pacifier). By the way, he hates pacifiers, i've tried to give him several types, he throws them away like he's angry I tried to replace the nipple, LOL.
He is not talking yet which i heard is commmon for boys his age, they talk later than girls. Other than this, he is very friendly with others, loves to play with kids his age and physically very active and loves to interact with others. Has a great sense of humor and very interested on how things work in general. He's also going through an independence streak where he tries to put on his shoes, socks and brushes his teeth on his own.
It's mostly when we're at home that he seems to focus way too much on nursing.He's fine when we're outside but the minute we're home, he just wants to nurse so many times a day!!
Any advice from you is appreciated if you've had a similar experience. I know this won't last forever but i just wanted to hear your input, Thanks so much.
I have heard about this behavior a lot so it is normal behavior for him at this age. When I heard of this happening, I weaned bith my kids at 15 months to avoid this from going on. I would wean him soon because it will just get worse as he gets older. It might be unpleasent for a few days but it will be worth it in the end.
I would talk with a lactation consultant, your pediatrician (if he or she knows anything about extended breastfeeding, which most of them don't) or your LLL group. I didn't nurse this long, but my cousin did, and she would just try to "put him off" nursing when he wanted to do it at inconvenient times. She'd say "well nurse in a little bit..." or "after we get done with X."
I'm a big believer in time out for kids as a way to get them to self sooth. Maybe put him in a pack n' play (where if he bangs his head-- so what-- it's soft) and call it "calm down corner." The other thing that has really helped us is that my son goes to daycare 2 days a week, and can see how other kids act about things. We use exactly they same words and techniques for time out at home they do at daycare and it makes a HUGE difference. Might be time for him to start going to preschool or something like that a couple mornings or days a week. He could partially just be really bored at home too.
Good luck!
I only nursed my son until he was 12 months old, but I know the feeling of not liking to see your son upset when he wants to nurse. My experience was that the weaning process ended up being much easier than I expected once I really got serious about it and did it. In other words, my son forgot about it much quicker than I expected. Of course, I think it will be different because your son is older. I just thought I'd write even though I was never in your exact position because it occurred to me that maybe he really enjoys the quiet close alone time with you during the day. Maybe if you just decide that for several days or so you just aren't going to get anything done around the house (so you're not so frustrated about that part of it), and you sit down with him frequently throughout the day with some books or something else he likes to look at and hold him real close with a blankie or toy and just be with him. Maybe try to do this before he even gets it into his head he wants to nurse. Maybe you'd sort of fulfill his closeness need and lessen his desire to nurse. Then I guess you could try to be strong and only nurse twice, then once, then not at all each day. I know it would be easier if your husband could help during this time because he of course thinks about nursing when he's with you alone. But if it's not possible to have your husband be with him primarily for a few days, maybe just holding him throughout the day will help. Maybe you already do this, but I was just thinking that if you're nursing so much, you're probably trying so hard to get something done when he lets you "free" that maybe you don't have time to just sit and hold him very often, and maybe your son thinks he must nurse to get this closeness from you. I hope this helps.
Good luck,
M.
He is manipulating you. I would wean him immediately. Yes...he'll have tantrums, but if you're afraid of him now...what happens when he gets older??? He needs to find another way to comfort himself. Buy him a new toy...stuffed animal or blanket. Talk to the pediatrician if you need help. You're not doing either of you any favors by continuing.
I completely disagree that you should wean him now. There are windows for weaning and this time, clearly, is not one of them. Sounds like it would be very traumatic to you both right now. I agree w/ a previous poster that you just need to set your limits and stick to them. I've nursed all 3 of my girls until they were about 3 1/2 and I know it will be hard at first but plan extra activities for a few days and try not to sit down (ha, ha). It really won't take long for him to realize that you mean what you say. I would continue nursing to sleep for naps and bedtime right now. You can deal w/ the sleep nursing sessions later if you want (though I found it to be such a nice/ easy way to get my girls to sleep). Your son is getting way more than just comfort from nursing! Keep up the good work!
I do not understand why he is still nursing. My coworker was told to stop nursing at a year old because he son needed to drink whole milk. I think that it is hard because now he thinks of nursing not as a source of nutrition but as a source of comfort. You need to divert his attention when he gets upset and give him a blanket or a stuffed animal for comfort. I think it will get worse not better if you wean him at two. I do not mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you are fustrated and are looking for advice how to deal with this.
Hi Ellen,
I have been thinking of weaning my now (as of yesterday!) 2 year old daughter for a while, but she seems to really need it. I am a working mom so breastfeeding during the day is not usually an issue, however my daughter will ask on weekends particularly before naps. When she wants to nurse during the days I am home I remind her of when we nurse and then hug and kiss her. I also quickly distract her with a toy or with an activity and that seems to work. Good luck!
My advice: get pregnant! Just kidding. That is how my son weaned. I was 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter, and he was 20 months old and there was just nothing left! Now, I share your situation, my 18 month old is just nursing so much more than my son did at this age! In fact, we just came back from a family vacation on the lake where we were all in bathing suits all day long and it was constant! I was worried about dehydration so I allowed it. Now that we are back on dryland, we have resumed our "limits". I allow her to nurse when she wakes in the morning, before and after nap, and at bedtime. Other than that, as long as I prempt the "mama milk" requests and have food ready for her (snacks all day long), she is fine and deals with the limits. I have the added problem that she can't tolerate whole milk and have been advised by my ped that she nurse until 2 if I can handle it! Anyways, I guess what I am saying is that you are not alone, that you don't have to quit nursing (I know that was not the advice you were looking for), and distraction, distraction, distraction is the key. Have his favorite snacks prepared and ready when he wants milk and/or have an activity ready to distract him, painting works for me, a bath, coloring, something ACTIVE. Even though you are not outside, it doesn't mean you can't do something fun and interesting to distract him. Good luck, and yes, it will pass!
Congrats on nursing so long!
The answers are in your letter! paragraph 3-you don't like dealing with his unhappiness (tantrums i assume) if you don't nurse him. It is hard to resist knowing he loves something, but reacting to his anger and tantrums isn't good for him, he is training and trampling you and will not respect you if you aren't in charge as his protector-basic truth.
paragraph 3: You haven't established the schedule of 2 times a day if he is permitted to do this and is keeping you in the house. He can't go back to nursing a few times a day on his own, without your breasts.
paragraph 4: You'v established he drinks other things-it's not about thirst, it's about comfort, and not knowing how to sooth his own boredom anger frustration etc.-thus the tantrums.
paragasph 5: His dad does not perpetuate the behavior by being gone. NO EXCUSES! Many dads are gone all the time working (mine for example is gone months at a time). You are his primary teacher and caregiver-even though dad is #1 role model. But he should back up all your established rules when he's home.
paragraph 6: You shouldn't act based on dreading his tantrums, you should discipline him not to have tantrums. He's not suffering, you are. No, actually he is suffering too with tantrums, so you should not allow them and he'll be much happier.
paragraph 7: For him to react in a self destructive angry manner because you breasts hurt and you can't nurse all day?? Momma, sweetie, you do know better. This is not a good lesson for a boy this age to learn. You are not helping him, you're hurting him. Throwing things like pacifiers or anything else angrily should not be allowed and should have a consequence.
paragraph 8: He is intelligent motivated, happy, behaves well with others....all the tools to improve in his wrong behavior which you have enabled. No child can control themselves from having tantrums (thus the "normal" stigma). It is your job to teach him not to have them by enforcing discipline. He wants to be a good boy and is a good boy. Enforce this behavior.
OK! All easier said than done, but don't feel that you are being nice to him by letting him control you. When he learns he controls you, he loses security in your strength and in himself. Tantrums should not be allowed. Enforce discipline for the tantrums. As for the nursing, find positive fun ways to STOP nursing him. Keep your shirt on, literally, do fun things, and when he throws fits, discipline him. NEVER REWARD TANTRUMS WITH BOOBS!!!
Yes, he will rebel after being in charge for so long, but he will be better off when he learns to redirect his energy in positive ways. You can also wait until later, but you'll miss the chance to teach this lesson, and it will be harder. You'll have a much better relationship and more time for fun when this stops acting this way. You obviously love your son very much and want to make him happy. You have done a wonderful thing nursing so long. He wants to make you happy too, it's your job to teach him how to be a gentleman.
I had the EXACT same experience, but my son was 2 1/2 when we finally weaned. I felt the same as you (the human pacifier) and as much as I wanted to honor "child-led weaning" I was secretly beginning to resent his constant demands and pulling on my breast.
Now I have a theory...when one party wants out of the breastfeeding relationship, its time for it to end (take that for what it's worth).
I like the ideas of a "comfort corner" and would suggest that when you do wean (with someone's help) just DON'T SIT DOWN LOL. I know it sounds kooky, but once you "assume the position" it's all over. Be firm yet kind and stick to your limits. LOTS of hugs and kisses and reinforcement that you love him. I wouldn't go "you're a big boy" route as it may shame him that what he is doing now has been unacceptable or shameful. I agree aout going to a toddler LLL meeting...they are GREAT!
And here, Mom...here's a ((hug)) for you, sweetie...you have done a GREAT job nursing...if you ever want to chat, feel free to drop me a line...:)
I know several people who weaned their kids around his age and it doesn't take long! You'll need your husband's help for a couple of days to help him go to sleep but you'll be amazed how quickly he'll adjust. If you don't want to wean but only want him nursing twice a day, you'll just have to put up with the tantrums and once he realizes he's only nursing at specific times he'll be fine. You just have to tell him the rules and stick to them. Good luck!
I have no experience with this but what about making a really big deal about him "graduating" from nursing? Make him feel really special and like a big boy. Maybe take him to the store to pick out his special prize....like the first post suggested...have him pick out a new comfort item. But have a talk with him that this means he no longer will nurse. I'm sure you will still have to deal with tantrums but if Mom stays strong...he will have to get use to it. The stronger Mommy is...the more he will no he is not winning. Keep encouraging him by making a big deal about what a big boy he is when he drinks from his cup, hugs his comfort item...etc. Good luck and I congratulate you for being able to nurse your son this long. Good for you!
Dear Ellen,
Have you discussed this situation with your peditrician? They are very helpful in situations like this and can help
you figure out a "New" plan of action.
It sounds like your little boy is as you put it - bored - and needs to be stimulated in new ways. If you can get into a
play group or arrange to have him go to a play-school nursery where he will be with other kids his age it should help. Also, check to see if there are any community sponsored groups including the local Y where parents bring
their kids - even for a couple of hours each day.
Hope you find some help with this situation and that this is helpful advice. Taking care of young children is always a challenge and reaching out for help is a good idea.
Best of luck - P.
P. H.
creator/founder of BabyMeTV.com
My son is 2.5 years old and still nurses when I am home before nap and bedtime. It is only for comfort and bonding and I do not mind. If you DO mind, then follow the advice of the other requests (I do not know the best way to wean at this age since I have not done it!). It sounds like the nursing has taken on more of a behavioral role than might be desirable, and I agree that it is not a replacement for appropriate disciplining. As hard as it is, try to discipline him appropriately rather than nurse to teach him to behave and to spare your physical and emotional well being in the long run. Both Dr. Harvey's book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and "Love and Logic" are my favorites for this.
Above all, remember that nursing is an individual decision and there is no "right or wrong" length of time to continue, as long as you are not doing it for the wrong reasons (ie discipline). If you would ever like to talk about this, please let me know.
