My Son Has a Smart Mouth and Talks Back.

Hi S., I have worked with kids with severe behavior problems (which your child does not have) for the last eleven years and have definitely learned that threatening using food, etc. or persuading using fear does not usually provide desired behavior for long, and usually back fires on you quite quickly. The key to behavior management is teaching the child to own their own behavior. As soon as you take on the role of "punisher" you will also become the person who receives the blame. Be very clear with your child about what your expectations are and what the consequences (both positive and negative) will be based on THEIR choices. When they do what they are supposed to, pour on the positive. Positives are far more powerful than negatives. If your son chooses to not do what he is supposed to, he will clearly know what the outcome will be. The key is to be very clear about the timeline of the consequences and then always follow through. Provide one warning and then act. Word it as, "I am so sorry that you CHOSE to not clean your room and that you CHOSE to go to time-out instead." Be clear about the duration of the consequence too. Perhaps have a timer. There is a wonderful book called, "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay- http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Teaching-Respo.... It provides a terrific approach to parenting that allows you to put the responsibility on the child and allows you to create and maintain a positive relationship with your child, while still maintaining your parent role. Good luck!

I have a very stubborn five year old. Punishments like the ones you have given rarely work on her. She quickly has figured out that mom doesn't tolerate bad behavior. I tell my children clearly that things won't be tolerated or there will be consequences. I tell them exactly what the consequences are. I also tell them what the rewards are if they don't do whatever behavior it is. My children respond well to this.

My five year old thought she would start lying to people. The first time she did it to me I made her eat chunky salsa. She loves regular salsa but hates the chunky type. It's the peppers and onions. I told her what would happen if she lied to me and gave her one chance to tell the truth. She continued to lie and begged me not to make her eat it. She had to sit there with it in her mouth for one minute before she could swallow. Then she had to go sit in her bed for five minutes before she could rinse her mouth out. I didn't tell her I was going to let her rinse her mouth out so this was pretty awful for her. I was so upset though and couldn't let her see me like that or it would defeat the whole purpose. It took me five minutes to collect myself so I could talk to her. She rinsed her mouth out and apologized for lying. We then had a conversation of how lying is nastier than the salsa she just ate and why. I asked her questions like... Do you think your friends want to be around someone who lies? Do you realize that even if no one else knows it is a lie, you and God do? This conversation helped. Afterwards, I told her that if she lied again, not only would she be eating salsa but she wouldn't be allowed to rinse her mouth out. She doesn't lie to me anymore. We are still working on other people but at least when I tell her it is her only chance to tell the truth, she admits whatever she is lying to. By the way, after she went to sleep that night, I cried and prayed I wouldn't have to do that again. My sister told me she did something similar and it was the only thing that worked for her. It seemed a bit mean but it worked. She warned me that the first time she would try to manipulate me so that I wouldn't follow through but I had to for it to work. She also told me I would probably cry and not to let my daughter see me.

So here is my advice. Find some type of food that your son hates to eat but won't harm him. DO NOT USE SOAP, kids have died because soap can coat their lungs and they suffocate. My oldest gets peanut butter if she lies. Next tell him what will happen if he gets smart with you... if you talk back you will have to put this in your mouth for one minute then swallow it. Do not let him off the hook no matter what. Kids no how to push our buttons. Explain why respect is needed and ask him questions. Point out examples of how to respect others. I have explained to my girls that they are allowed to be upset with me and not like me from time to time. Those are perfectly normal feelings. However, they are never allowed to disrespect me. They do tell me they don't like what I've done but not in a sassy way. We talk about things, not yell. When they say something that comes across as a smart mouth, I ask them if they meant it the way they said it. If they did, they are eating salsa and peanut butter, If not, then we just figure out another way to say it without being smart. You can't punish a child over and over for bad behavior without telling them how to correct it. One last thought, after every punishment I give to my children, I give them a hug look them in the eye tell them I love them but I do not like their behavior and will not tolerate it. I tell them I do not want to have to do this again but I will because I love them too much to allow them to act like this. I stress that they are good but their actions were not and that is why they were in trouble.

I hope this helps and it gets better. I am thankful that you are trying to stop this now. I can tell you from my friends experiences, if it isn't stopped now it only gets worse. Also know, that you are not alone. Good luck!

S.,you're probably going to get lots of advice on this one as it's pretty common, but a few thoughts:

Not wanting to do chores like cleaning up the room, putting on the shoes etc. is very common in kids this age. Does he have specific, doable chores that he can really achieve and gets praise for? If he's just told, "Clean up your room" with no further direction and expect him to go at it, that's asking a lot of a five-year-old. Be more specific with a limited number of tasks at a time: "Make up your bed, then put these books (which you point out to him) on this shelf," etc. Not too many instructions at once.He can feel more of a sense of accomplishment that way. Once he can read some, a brief written list of specific tasks can really help -- and praise him at the end! Of course kids need chores, and things just must get done around the house, but remember that young kids don't always process big, general orders like "Clean up the room" or "Get dressed" well-- these are things with lots of steps that adults understand, but at five, lots of kids still need things broken down for them.

The mouthing off (if it's not cursing--if he's using bad language that's another issue and means he's hearing it somewhere from an adult, and that's something different to explore) is also common. With my daughter, I made very clear that when she talks that way, I do not understand a single word she says. Don't yell, raise your voice, etc., but try: "I'm sorry, but when you talk like that I do not understand what you want. I only understand that you're talking in ways that are NOT acceptable. So until you can talk like a grown-up five-year-old and show respect, you'll have to..." Then try time out, or taking away a privilege or toy he really loves (and taking it away long enough he feels the loss), etc.

It sounds like taking away snacks or computer time isn't working, maybe because he knows eventually he'll get supper anyway, or eventually he'll get back on the computer; you need to find the things that he instantly will regret losing. The key is you have to do it calmly; every single time and instantly the very moment he is sassy; and never giving in on taking away something really key to him. As for spanking, doesn't that teach him that the most important adults in his world believe that it's OK to hit to make a point? It may teach him to hit when he wants to make points of his own.

And if he's in any preschool, day care, etc., ask the providers if he mouths off there to adults, is mouthy and sassy with other kids, etc. That could indicate it's more than just fussing back at the person who gives him the most chores (which usually means mom!). You may have to work with preschool teachers or other adults in his life on a bigger plan to nip the disrespectful talk in the bud. Good luck!

I've learned that its hard to teach my kids good manners and not talking back when they see my husband and I do it. For example, I'm trying to teach my son, who is 3, to answer "Yes" when somebody calls his name instead of "What". It was a bit difficult because my husband and I didn't realize how often we had answered using "What" when he would call for us. Kids do learn a lot better by example and what they see and hear on a daily basis. Therefore, I would first observe if there is anyone constantly near your son who talks back or has a smart mouth. That might be the source of your problem that you need to deal with first.