My Shy Little Guy

Updated on February 25, 2008
M.O. asks from Highland Park, NJ
4 answers

My eighteen-month-old son seems terribly shy. At home he's noisy, exuberant, bounding with energy, but when he's around anyone other than my husband, my mom, or me he just clams up, either clings to my leg or huddles in my lap, and looks out with these big frightened eyes. We go to a mommy-and-me music class, and most of the other children seem to get over their shyness after the first day, but my guy still clings very close. We did have an incident a few months ago where a slightly older boy pushed my little guy and knocked him down, but could that really have made my boy scared of all other children ever since? I want to encourage him to be more confident and outgoing to the extent that it's realistic for him, but if shyness is truly hard-wired into him, I want to respect it and help him manage it. As it is, I try not to use the word "shy" around him -- I'll say something like "He sometimes needs a little time to warm up. If you let him come to you he'll do great." We do want to send him to part-time preschool when he turns two (we just can't afford a one-on-one sitter for so many hours), and we've found a very sweet little school that lets parents sit in until the child is comfortable, but right now my son is sometimes frightened even when sitting right on my lap. Does anyone else have experience with this phase and/or personality type?

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S.N.

answers from Rochester on

It looks like you are getting the best advice. I was a nursery school teacher for many years and have 2 grown daughters. What I learned as a teacher was its best for everyone involved if parents don't sit in the classroom. Its hard for most parents to accept that their shy frightened child perks up after they leave. I have seen it happen so many times. It may take a couple of days for some children and may recur if things are unsettled at home. But with love and understanding, the child does great. Yes Its hard, I had tears in my eyes the first time I left my daughter but she blossomed and made many friends. Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

C.S.

answers from New York on

I think are you doing the absolute right thing. My son was/is very quiet around others. Whether it be kids or adults.
We did the mommy and me classes until he was 3. And at 3 he started going to the same place, just for an independent class. I wait in the lobby with him and the other kids and parents until the door to the class opens. I say a quick goodbye and that I WILL BE BACK. And the teacher leads him into the gym. The first few weeks were hard. Now, he LOVES it. He is the first kid in and the last kid out.
Independent classes are great places for kids to work on their social skills.
For the first few weeks he played by himself. And then along side other kids. And now WITH other kids. Its amazing.
And I know that if I continued go to classes with him, he would have just hovered around me and wouldnt have make as much progress as he has.
I think its great that the pre-school is open to having you stay until your child is comfortable. But, he may never be comfortable with you there because he knows any second you may be leaving. And prolonging it will only make it harder.
I was lucky that the teacher insisted, I kiss and walk away. And my son knows the routine. I say good-bye, he has fun, I come back.

BUT, you know your child better than anyone. What worked for us, may not work for you and your family. Best of Luck!!!!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful
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B.D.

answers from New York on

Give him some time and let him be himself. My daughter went through a period like that but now at 2 1/2 she is very outgoing. I think preschool wil probably really help. Also, from my own experience, too much sitting in at school is not productive. I think it makes the kid feel like school is place where you will be with him, then when you are not he wont understand why

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T.O.

answers from Elmira on

I think it is very common for a toddler to feel scared to be away from their parent. They go thru different stages and sometimes when they become aware that the two of you are not joined at the hip it can be scary to them. My son had a bigger boy push him down once and it took weeks after for him to go near other children again. But he did eventually forget the incident. As far as school goes, I think you have to do what is comfortable for you. If you feel more comfortable being with him in class to start with, there is nothing wrong with that. But once you see signs that he is relaxed and enjoying a class, then it may be time to go and let him enjoy the class himself. Every child is so different that what works for one doesn't always work for another. I stayed the first day for each of my kids when they started their first day of preschool and left when they seemed to feel comfortable and relaxed. All three of my kids did go to preschool, but had any of them continued to cry day after day when I took them, then I would have reconsidered my choice of preschools and looked for another one that may have been a better fit for my child or I would have waited another year to put them in. If I really liked the preschool then I would have stayed in class for a little while and then gradually shortened the time I was in there. Children are naturally social. After having three kids, I look back and wonder how necessary preschool really was since my kids play with other kids and I teach them alot of things at home, like numbers, colors, etc. It is a personal preference and you have to do what feels right to you. I don't think your son being shy right now is a sign that he will always be shy. It could just be he is feeling insecure about something and he will start to outgrow it soon. Good luck!

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