My Mother Never Visits Her Grandchild

As sad as it seems, some grandparents never do really connect with their grandkids. I know women in my age group (60-ish) who couldn't be kept away by herds of wild horses. And others who would need a few wild horses to drag them over to their grandchildren's houses.

If she's not physically or emotionally well, visits or even driving may seem like too much effort, and if the child is too young, rambuctious or otherwise challenging, she may not find visits rewarding enough. That's just the way some people are put together.

Your daughter is likely to "care" to the same extent you do. Unless you fuss about your mother's attitudes, your little girl will probably simply think of your mother as a more distant relative. It happens, and unless there's a lot of family tension, it probably won't be a big deal to her. Let her focus on and enjoy the more available grandparents.

The question you have to ask is do you REALLY want her in your daughter's life? If she were not your mother, your child's granddaughter, would you want to spend time with her? I realize that we go the extra mile to have relationships with family, because they are family, but when it comes to the safety and health of our children, and our own families, sometimes distance is a good thing. If there is a place like a mall or favorite restaurant or something that's convenient for both of you, suggest that - neutral territory. Otherwise, don't push it.

I speak from experience, though I don't have to deal with this directly as my mother lives in another state; I have a polite relationship with her, but I would never leave my son alone with her, and I prefer not to spend time with her. She is an extremely selfish person, and will not change - though she will insist to you that she's "not the same person she was, blahblahblah." It took 10 years, but I've gotten to a place where I'm comfortable without her in my life. You may need to get to this place for the sake of your own heart. You have to chose what's right for you and your family. You can't direct her - don't try.

H., we can't live other peoples lives for them. It sounds to me like you don't have a very good relationship with your Mom, and it sounds like you are making a wise decision not to have your daughter in her home very often. I would focus on the positives in your daughters life, the other grandparents and great grandparents who are there for her and are a positive influence on her. Don't waste your time fretting over what "should be happening". My own MIL couldnt be bothered with my children when they were younger, but suddenly wanted this wonderful relationship with them when they got old enough that they didn't require "supervision" or when they started having accomplishments that she wanted to be able to brag about. Much to her surprise, the grand daughters weren't too terribly interested. My Mother, on the other and, loved and cared for each of our girls from the moment they were born and they returned the love and caring until the moment that she passed away.
Don't spend so much time worrying about the things that aren't going according to your plan that you don't have time to enjoy the things that are wonderful in your life!!! Your job is to raise a happy, well balanced, little girl that is enough to keep you more than busy....don't worry about her relationship with one person.

You care, but your daughter is too young to understand. Let your mom stay home, especially is she is not a good influence, or hangs out with bad elements. If she decides to visit, welcome her, but it sounds like your daughter has some very nice female role models in her life already. Focus on them. I know you'd wish that your mom could be the grandmother that you would like, but in reality that role can even be played by a non-relative :)

Maybe she feels just as uncomfortable at your house as you do at hers and doesn't have the nerve to tell you. Or, maybe the few times she does see her, are enough for her. I don't understand it, but some grandparents don't need to see their GC a whole lot. Try talking to her about how you feel.

l

Don't force it. As you said, your Mom is a bad influence and the environment as well, that she lives in.
Your Mom not seeing your daughter... is perhaps a sign to you, and an indication, to just let it rest. As your daughter becomes older, she will either think its a big deal based on your reactions/actions/emotions to it... or not based on your attitudes about it. IF you raise your daughter to be a self-reliant and self-assured girl... and that she is loved... then she won't feel that your Mom/this Grandma... is ignoring her NOR to take it personally.
The thing for a child... is that they do not take it personally nor feel that it is a personal affront to them, nor a personal lack on their part.

So, raise your girl, to be emotionally mature AND secure AND cognizant that there are ALL kinds of people in this world... and not all of them are able to "behave" normally nor thoughtfully.

And for me personally, I would NOT want my kids to be close... to a relative like that, as you describe your Mom. You must protect your child... no matter what. Not embroil her into your Mom's mental or emotional dysfunctions. It would be worse... if your daughter WAS attached to your Mom... then she would be getting all kinds of bad influences put onto her... harmful and not wise for her being a child.
Protect the values of what your child is exposed to...

All the best,
Susan

Maybe you could call her and pick her up once a month and go to a park and have lunch. This way neither of you would have to go to eachothers houses and it's a kid friendly environment.

She will probably never be the one to call and make plans. This will always have to be your job. That's just how it is. Some moms are like this.

It's wonderful your daughter will get to experience a more grandma type from her other grandmothers.

I'm late here, but would like to add my thoughts from a completely different perspective. Neither of my grandmothers were all that interested in being grandparent and both were fairly bitter people. One of them had eight children and most of them had at least four children. My brother and I were just part of the crowd. My grandmother had very little interest in us - or any of the others for that matter. My other grandmother had two children early in life (my dad and his sister) and two children later in life... they were only 4-5 yrs older than me. She was busy with her own children and not much interested in being a grandmother. I think my grandfathers were typical of that generation and not at all involved grandparents.

I never really felt a loss about the grandparent situation. I did hear stories about wonderful grandparents and thought how nice that was. But never really felt mine should be that way. When we were around my grandparents, it was a bit of a chore and we certainly never begged to go see grandma!

I agree with what others have said... if you don't make it a big deal, it won't be.

H.,
Just be thankful you have the other grandparents that do care.
My boys don't have any attention from any of their grandparents. It is very sad. The grandparents don't have any idea how they are missing out. And, my boys are fine. It bothers me more than them.
Keep on focusing on being a great mom and realize you are being taught the hard way how to be a grandparent in the future.
Victoria

I have been in this place before.

I think your mother is Jealous of you.

Let her be, she will come to you when she needs something. That's the way they work.
My mother is very jealous of me and I think it is stupid. Oh and I am not just saying this, she really told me.

Just relax and enjoy the other grandmas, leave your mom alone.

God bless.

That's a hard call.........I've always gone w/the being the bigger person bit. If your mother's house isn't suitable to what you want your daughter exposed to then why not find a park or somewhere closer to her. If she objects, tell her exactly why you don't choose to go to her house. My mom and I were extremely close, but she unfortunately passed away 3 weeks before my first child. My mother-in-law never did much to childproof her house & thankfully has quit smoking b/c that was an issue i had. But you are ur daughter's advocate - if you don't want someone smoking around her, then you need to tell ur mom. It sounds like things that could be easily resolved have spun out of control, which is typical. I would feel bad for saying anything to my mother-in-law, but my girls belong to me - their safety is of the upmost concern which it sounds like with you. Maybe just take a deep breath & blurt it all out - see where things go from there. I honestly think it's their own ignorance and the whole "well we did it w/u kids attitude" and in this case ur mom is going to jeapordize a relationsip w/ur little girl. Good luck with things & know that u are doing what needs to be done to protect ur little girl.

Absolutely Not! You are by far a better mother than she is and you can't change her. It sounds as if you keep trying because you want her to give a darn and she doesn't. Her priorities are obvious by what you have said. Smoking, Wild dog jumping and negative influences are all GREAT reasons to stay away and control the environment that your daughter is exposed to. She has money for a smokes and no money for gas? Sounds pretty selfish to me and probably to you too! Love is free and you are surrounded by it so take a step back from your mom. She needs to know that she is not the center of attention in your life now. She needs to learn that grandchildren are a privilege which she needs to earn by placing you and your daughter before her own needs. Thank God for the two wonderful grandmothers and great grandmas she already has. Bless them with her presence instead. They will be a wonderful influence on your daughters growth whereas your mother is NOT!

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL and sisters. At first I was shocked and a little broken hearted but I've realized that we are actually much better off without all of the BS and stress. My son is amazing, funny, happy and the most loving child you could meet. So really in the end ... it's purely their loss and not his or ours. My husband and I both adore him so he's not missing out because he knows what true unconditional love is. Just surround yourself with good people and good friends - who cares if they are related or not.

I'm in the exact situation & this is what i do. I call about once a week or every other & fill her in on what we've been doing. I do not make special trips to go see her but when I do go to the town, I call & invite her to join us on our errands. Sometimes she does & sometimes she doesn't. If not, I will stop by & visit for about 30 min. To an hour. My mom wouldn't even come to my kid's baptisms. She does come to thier birthday parties but usually only if someone else like my sister or dad bring her. I can't figure out why she us this way nor can I control it. My kids are super close with their other grandma & see her several times a week. They are now understanding & comparing the differences & are starting to put my mom o. The hot seat with the why's & I say nothing. She has to live with her choices. Hope it helps that you are not alone In this situation.

I'm glad you feel better about it. Your'e not alone and although my Mom does stuff for my son from time to time, she NEVER comes to see him. We always have to go there too. Her loss my brother and his two little ones live around the corner. She could make the 40 min drive and see all of them but instead we always have to pack our kids up. We go months w/out visits sometimes. Annoying, but just the way it is.

I thought I was the only one that was going through this problem. My mother is leaving the country and is always putting it off not to want to see her grandchildren let alone her son. She feels that I really don't need to have her visit. There are more people in the world that needs her to visit. Mind you; she will be leaving to Switzerland for the next two months, yet the last conversation we had she was suppose to come for her grandchildrens vacation and for my birthday. She has always been that way though for years. She always helped monetarily from afar but not so much in person. Can you expalin this one.......it's mind boggiling. Deep down inside i don'
t think some grandmothers really care about the other side of the family being there for her grandchildren they are jealous and they don'
t want to amit it.