My Mother Is Belittling Me as a First Time Mom of My 16 Month Old Daughter

Set clear boundries with her, make the rules very clear, if she breaks rules then I agree wit te former poster she leave imediatly. If she keeeps it up I would consider cutting ties. It sounds bad, my husband and I did this with his dad and wife. Sometimes the only way you can love someone is from a distance.

The first negative sentence out of your mom's mouth, tell her to go home. Then next time she does it, repeat the process.

That's it.

I'm sorry. This is going to sound harsh, but you need to shut your mom out for a while. No visits. Don't read her texts and screen your calls. She'll ask why, and you can tell her that her behavior toward you is starting to wear on you emotionally and starting to affect your relationship with your child. If you mom knows where the baby goes to day care, tell them you are having boundary issues with your mom and warn them to call you if she shows up. This is completely unacceptable and it needs to stop NOW. My mother has serious boundary issues. She keeps most comments to herself (a recent development, and lots of hurtful comments still make their way out her mouth), but her behavior speaks volumes. However, she treats my sister and her kids differently. Never a bad comment, never a criticism. My husband pointed out that because my sister lives far away, she simply tells my mom when she has crossed the line, and then hangs up the phone. She makes it very clear to my mom that comments and behavior that interfere with her own parenting leads to limited involvement with her boys; there can only be one mom in the room. As a result, mom is always on her best behavior on calls and visits. In YOUR house and with YOUR child, you are the alpha female. Sounds crude, but that's the way it needs to be. It's only going to get worse if you don't stop it, and it will begin to affect how your daughter sees you and treats you, especially when you mom is around. With your mom, your daughter will treat you the way your mom treats you. Tell your mom that when her attitude changes, you'd LOVE for you and the baby to spend time with her, but if it starts again, you won't. Period. Then follow through.
You are a good mom and don't deserve this.

would you consider setting up an appt. with a family counselor and taking your mom and your husband? could really get moving toward a healthier relationship while teaching you how to protect yourself in a healthy way.

I'm sorry this relationship is difficult. What you want to do is get to a place where you can blow off what your mom says. Easier said than done, I KNOW! But it is doable.... Limiting your time with her sounds reasonable, but pulling away 100% may not what you truly want........ get a little help and see where it goes.

"I now don't even want my mom around my daughter until she can respect me and learn to keep her mouth shut unless she has something positive to say"

So tell her exactly that. You can also tell her that unless she's willing to help you display a positive mother-daughter relationship for your daughter to grow up around, then she can just stay away. Put it to her in terms of how her behavior is going to affect her grand-daughter (if she disrespects you in front of your daughter, it's telling your daughter that SHE doesn't have to respect you either) and explain, calmly, that you won't allow it. Be respectful, but firm and stick to your guns. You are that little girl's mother and it is your job to make sure that she's growing up in a healthy atmosphere. If your mother can't respect that, then she doesn't need to be around. It sounds like she has control issues and she needs to get over it. She had her time as the shot-caller, now it's your turn.

However, your post really makes me grateful for my mom, who was a fantastic mom but feels that I'm an even better one. She calls me for advice now when she's watching my niece for my sister. I'm sure she doesn't need advice, but I think she likes to make me feel competent as a mother so she claims that things have changed so much she needs the current info. We understand each other perfectly. She knows that Grammie's job is to sit back and let Mommy make her own mistakes and learn from them. Grammie's job is to offer only SOLICITED advice and to spoil the babies any chance she gets. Meanwhile, Mommy knows that Grammie has the right to spoil the kids behind her back. THAT'S a healthy mom-grandma relationship. And maybe you should point out to your mother that you'd probably come to her for advice a lot more often if she wasn't always shoving it in your face and wasn't always making you feel bad. Who wants to get a lecture every time they ask for advice?

First off your husband in my opinion needs to be supporting you and your decisions. And if your mother is going to treat you like this then you or your daughter just don't need to be around her or talk to her. If I was in your situation I would sit down with your mom..Just you and her and tell her how it makes you fell..Tell her everything that is going threw your head..Tell her in a nice way of course that if it does not stop that she will not see you or your daughter until she can learn to respect you and your feeling...This of course means getting your husband on the same page as you...I would choose to not have contact with her for a couple of weeks..Block her number that way she can't send you horrible messages...When you see her pull up the drive shut the curtains and lock the door. It does sound harsh...But my mother is the same way just about different things...You have to get it threw her head that if she can't play nice she doean't get to play at all..Then after a couple of weeks give her a call and see where things are at...If they aren't where you need them to be just repeat it over and over again until she gets the idea, There is no reason for her to say those things to you.. You don't deserve it and you don't need to be dealing with that especially being a first time mom. Enjoy your baby girl whether or not your mom gets to be there. She will be the one missing out not you. You just do the best you can as a mother and that is all your lil girl needs. Keep ypur chin up and remember all the positives in your life. :) I really hope this helps you in some way!

I know she is your mom and this may sound harsh sometimes toxic relationships no matter who they are need to be cut off. I think you need to take a break from your mom and focus on feeling better for you. The only way you can be good for your family is if you are good to yourself. Maybe once your mother sees she will loose not only her daughter but her granddaughter then she will learn to keep her opinions to herself. If you are not already then get into counseling to help you sort through your emotions. A mothers job is to love, unconditionally, to support, to sacrifice, to encourage, not to do what your mom is doing to you. I have never suffered from postpartum depression but I can sympathize with you. Focus on your husband and your baby and let your mother go for a while. If she does this type of talking in front of your daughter it will effect her as well. Good luck!!

There is a great book called "Boundaries". It has two authors, can only remember one of their names, Henry Cloud I think. It explains how people will react when you start setting boundaries. In other words your mom probably won't react very well, but if she wants to continue seeing your child she will adapt. She will probably try to guilt you into seeing your daughter but don't fall for that either. Her behavior is unacceptable & if you allow her to continue to treat you this way just imagine how your daughter will eventually pick up on it... I know this isn't an easy thing to go through right now, but you can do it! Stay strong!

Good luck & God Bless!

Oh, so sorry to hear your Mom is being so awful to you.

You said it at the beginning - you're allowing it because she helped you with your daughter through your postpartum Depression.

So, I'd say it's time to have a talk with your Mom and lay out the ground rules of how you'd like things to be. I'd mention how appreciative you are of her helping you through a very difficult time and how much you want her to be part of Sophie's life, but you are not going to tolerate her criticism.

There is NO excuse for her treating you the way she is - no one should have to put up with someone being so degrading. Your daughter is getting old enough to understand it and to understand when you're upset. You don't want Sophie to get caught in the middle of a cat fight.

Sophie is your daughter, so your mom needs to respect you as a parent now. We've had to have conversations with both sets of Grandparents. They had their opportunity to raise their own children, now they need to let us do the same (including making the mistakes that are our greatest learning experiences).

However, if you ask for her opinion or her assistance, you may have to accept that her criticism is part of the package.

Good luck!

first off you are a great mom and even if your daughter is the only one who reallys sees that then good enough! my mother in law does the same thing to me but we live in her house! she always says im doing things wrong just because i dont do things "her way" and she belittles my parenting and even cusses while holding my daughter. you are not in the wrong for thinking about keeping your baby away from your mom until she respects you i think about this all the time because i dont want my daughter growing up around a disrespectfull person and learning to be hateful to others. get help for your depression and once you are feeling better about yourself maybe you will have the courage to tell your mother that her behavior towards you in front of your daughter is not acceptable any more! just remember your daughter will love you no matter what anyone else says and no one can change that!

tell her it is your kid and you have to make your own mistakes. shes already raised hers. and you dont want to make the same mistakes she made. Thats the exact words I told my controlling dad never heard another word from him.

I'm very outspoken and independent and always speak my mind which is good in some ways and bad in others.

I just read the "what happened" part. You need to tell your husband that your opinion counts too and that there's no way he can break a deal without you being on board, especially when it's YOUR mother you are talking about, not even his!It sounds like you didn't exactly find your soulmate here...I am sorry, but do what you can for now and focus on BEING HEARD. You can shut your mom out but you can't do it with your husband.
At this point I would rebel to him. No rules concerning yourself or the baby can be made or broken without your approval. He is not doing his duty as as a husband/spouse (no support here!) - I wonder if it can be a reason for annullment of the marriage? Just something to think about for the future.

I am sure you'll get many words of encouragement here, so an idea could be to print them and let her hear them - so, first off, she can't say that it's only your view of the situation. Secondly, everybody knows that there is a time and a place for intervening in other people's life. You needed her and she was there for you, but if now it's the time to step back and let you handle your motherly duties, she definitely should. If her initial purpose was to support you, to help you, even to teach you a little bit, then she should know that you are ready to take over now. If she doesn't think so then tell her that you will always be grateful, that you will rely on her again in the future as needed because you value her inputs, that she did such a great job infact now you are perfectly able to take over by yourself. If, on the other hand, she just felt entitled to do it all and forever because she has a low concept of you, then, there's not better way to prove her wrong by taking over and raise a healthy, happy baby, that she can enjoy and spoil as a nana. She is not her mother, at some point she needs to let this baby go.

poor girl no wonder you've been depressed. our mothers are such a huge influence on our self image. you need to get strong honey, real quick and for that baby, put your foot down. i agree with some of the other posts. if she can't follow the rules, come back when you can. period. (this is a good tool to learn for when your daughter gets older to - you have to know how to be firm when necessary. not that you won't see her if she doesn't behave, but time out, etc) you have to stick to it. let her know that until she respects you she can hit the road. that's not love she's shelling out. why would you want someone around you or your family who doesn't love you? it will be hard but please do it. i bet she'll snap out of it real quick when she realizes you're sticking up for yourself. maybe she doesn't even realize how she sounds. give her a wakeup call. don't put up with it.

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I so know what you mean... Unfortunately, I am not a big fan of cutting ties completely. I live a life of no regrets and find family extremely important. And if your husband doesn't have your back, there could be some more serious trouble... I would just suggest that you choose not to talk to or be around your mom, because it is unhealthy. I would also suggest you make it clear to your husband that your mom is not allowed to speak negatively about other family members around the baby. That seems reasonable, I mean come on they are babies, and they should not be hearing that stuff from anyone really. Then I would leave it up to your husband to do the arranging. I would stick to my once a week with a few hours here and there schedule, and let him and her work out which days for what times and make him listen to all of it. He will get tired of it, or she will miss you, but it will most likely settle itself. But I would choose not to talk to my mom if she made me feel that way. It is your job to be a good mom, and feeling worthless will affect how the job is done.
Secondly, everyone tells me that I should spend more time with my son, but I use my opportunities for a break too. Don't feel bad, everyone just needs that few hours or weekend to calm down, or do those jobs that require two hands. lol. I remember having to do everything with one hand cuz my son was always on the other. Don't let anyone tell you differently, it is so necessary in order to maintain sanity, reduce resentment, and even balance the stressful feelings your mom is giving you. Hope this helps!!