My Mother in Law - Great Neck,NY

Call her bluff. Move her out.

Cut the maid to part time and hire a part time nanny. Problem solved.

For whatever reason this really upset her. I would just apologize and let her know next time you'll know to wake her. And then try not to get defensive. If she comes around, let it go. If not, then her loss.

M.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sounds like you might need to switch to a Nanny. If you have a maid - you might need to switch to a Nanny who helps around the house and let your mother in law go stay at her place full time.

Did she OFFER to take care of your child while you worked or did you ask her to take care of your child while you worked? If you asked her - then do you pay her? Do you offer her any type of financial compensation?

I'm sorry - but you sound self-centered and a braggart - see what I have? A maid...and my mother in law works for me...ta-da!

You are more worried about the inconvenience this poses on YOU...not about your daughter. You wanted your daughter to be raised by someone who cares for her? Okay - so why NOT YOU? Seriously? Why are you relegating the raising of your daughter to someone else? Family or not - you are acting like your daughter is an imposition to you and your career. Not how this will affect your daughter. I too would be totally disheartened...by my behavior.

If your husband doesn't speak up to his mother - you have more problems than just "what am I going to do about getting my child to school".

Good luck!

Whose idea was it for MIL to be your babysitter? Did you ask her, or did she volunteer? It sounds like she may not really want to spend her week at your house taking care of your child. Ask her if she really wants to continue doing this. She blew up over a misunderstanding - you thought she wanted to sleep and she assumed you'd wake her for dinner. Personally, I think that as an adult, she needs to be in charge of her sleeping and waking schedule, but if she's sleeping that much, it sounds like caring for a preschooler is wearing her out. Perhaps she is just not up to it anymore. It sounds like she resents doing a favor for you.

hm. you almost sound more upset at being confronted in front of the maid than anything else.
however, if indeed that's all that happened, she over-reacted rather dramatically.
sounds to me as if there's way more going on. does she fall asleep so early because it's her natural rhythm, or cultural, or is she actually exhausted from tending a busy 4 year old? what is the usual dinner routine for her?
if this was just a bad day, i'd shrug, apologize to her, and ask her to let you know what accommodations she'd like you to make. if this is a stew of simmering resentment, it may be time for MIL to move back out and for you to hire a nanny.
khairete
S.

You are blessed to have MIL like that. When my children were small, babies I mean, I also had my Mom stay with us to supervise the nanny, so I know exactly what you are talking about. My Mom is wonderful but she also got tired by the end of the day and went to bed earlie, which was inconvenient at times. In your case, I would just apologize to MIL, although it seems she is overreacting, and ask her to leave you a sign going forward if she wants to be woken up for dinner, like a note or some object like a scarf draped over a chair... Tell her you appreciate her, they need to hear that.

So, she slept through until the morning, woke up hungry, and got angry with you?

I think I would have done the same thing that you did. When someone falls asleep very early, I assume it is because they are overtired. You had food ready and waiting for her, if she happened to wake up for it. She's not an infant. She can get out of bed if she is hungry, right? If she was THAT hungry she could have walked to the kitchen, seen the food that you had prepared for her, eaten it and returned to bed.

It isn't a big deal to wake up hungry in the morning--there's always breakfast.

I think you need to go ahead and give her the break that she seems to need and want. She can go home and live her life M-F, but still interact with her and invite her to come over to spend time together, as a family, not in a caregiver capacity. Yes, it is going to be a bit of an inconvenience for your family during the transition, but life is full of that, right?

ETA: I wouldn't be too concerned about being insulted in front of the maid. Maids see and hear EVERYTHING that goes on in a household--they are used to it.

I would just apologize and move on. Even if you arent wrong, its not worth the fight.
If shes constantly starting fights in your home, it seems like you could find someone else to help you that would not cause so much drama.

Look for daycare. Many schools are associated with or have a before and after care program in the school. We had SD in one. We dropped her off at 7:30 and picked her up by 6PM. She went from the gym to her classes to the gym. That was her day. If your MIL is threatening you leave, then you enroll DD in a program like that (some are not at the school but provide transportation) and say, "Go ahead." At my DD's preschool, there are numbers of people you can call simply for transporting your child from the school to somewhere else. Look into those as well.

You need to be proactive vs reactive. She's a bully. Don't let her bully you. If she gets irate, you can simply say, "I will not have a conversation with someone who resorts to insults. When you are ready to speak to me with respect, we can continue this." Then it won't matter who she says it in front of. You will have respectfully asked for respect and if she continues, SHE will be the one who looks bad.

Sometimes with irrational people you can also say, "I'm sorry you feel that way but you are misinformed." And then nothing more.

If the maid can watch your child, then there is no reason to keep toxic Grandma around. Seriously, do you think it's in your child's best interest to spend so much time with someone who berates her mom? No. Grandma has it made, but the bottom line is you don't have to have her living with you (she has a home), you don't absolutely need her to take care of your daughter, and you do NOT need to be bullied by her. I would also stop asking your husband to turn down the TV and make other accommodations if she's just going to yell at you later. It's YOUR home and YOU are the lady of the house and if it doesn't seem that way, you need to get that back.

I had a grandmother who would make snide remarks about my mother. I promise you, if all you and Grandma do is fight, having her in the house so much is not pleasant for your child.

I suspect you have some cultural issues to face in all this, but I'd start with calling her bluff. She can still come visit, but her "help" that she doesn't want to offer anyway is no longer needed. My DD loves her Nana, but Nana doesn't live here.

How dare she! That's exactly how I would thank someone who simply wanted dinner after watching my child all day for free while I was at work. And in front of the maid too! I say you should have her write out her list of all her complaints and then maybe you can fold up the paper, slap her with it and then burn it in front of her. That should teach her a thing or two about having feelings and expecting more appreciation!

Sounds like your relationship has always been difficult. In this case, maybe the full time care of your daughter has become too difficult and she doesn't know how to tell you that. Some people just don't communicate well. Why not see if you can take a couple days off to check out some day cares in your area or contact services to get child care. I know it is difficult, but change always is. Ultimately, this is your daughter and you have the job to get her where she needs to be etc. I am sure you will find a way, we mamas are pretty resourceful! Good luck!

Sounds like an excellent opportunity not to have your mother in law living with you.

What the.... How did I answer this twice??

I guess my question would be, did you know she hadn't eaten? If so, you certainly should have went to her and told her dinner was ready if she wanted to eat. If you thought she had eaten (or assumed she did since she normally does) then she is overreacting.

I am wondering if you are more concerned about the imposition this has put on you or the wedge it will put btwn ur MIL and 4 yr old who is so used to having her gm there for here while you are busy working. Not to sound harsh but we get married, we buy a house, we get a job, (whichever order they fall in) we have children...there comes the issue of childcare. No matter who it is that will be watching our child, whether it be a nanny, day plus at school, whomever, at some point someone is going to feel taken for granted, and this time, it was your MIL. As far as your dh why should he say anything, was there any mistruth to what was said. I'm not joining the MIL parade against you, I just think that many of them can be taken advantage of and maybe the two of you can sit down and put things to the side for your daughter's sake. Whether or not you have a Harvard education and a million dollar home, you MIL is doing something for you that a lot of other MIL's are unable or choose not to do. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like she is tired of working for her daughter-in-law. She may feel renigated to the same level as the maid.

She's not on the same level as the maid. She is reminding you of it by being a butt to you. What you need to do is think about how you treat her. I think you are taking her for granted.

The issue of the problem with drop-off and pick-up is not one SHE has created. It's your problem exclusively. Either make nice with your mother-in-law to get her to come back, or work it out for the maid to drive your daughter.

Dawn

Sounds like an excellent opportunity not to have your mother in law living with you.