My Kids Wont Stop Fighting!! I'm Going Crazy!!

I recommend a book entitled, Siblings without Rivalry by Edna Ferber. It comes on tape and CD too I think. She gives brief directions for all kinds of situations.

K.,

it's hard to be alone with your kids, i know! just hang in there...

something i have learned in the past few months, as i have been adjusting to our third baby in three years, is that when i am crabby and tired, my kids pick up on that. it's unfair, but it's true. when i'm in a good mood, my girls are -- the day moves along happily and i can handle the strife of being alone with them (my husband is gone sometimes, too). but when i've been up all night for whatever reason with three little babies, and i'm tired and strung out, the kids feel that -- feed on those negative emotions, and they act out and fight and are so difficult to handle!

something i have tried really hard to do, because it makes a difference, is to make up my mind to be positive -- no matter what! if my two year old, franki, is hanging on the blinds, ripping them off the window (slight exaggeration) -- i grab her and tickle her until she laughs and then i tell her PLEASE! don't do that! -- it takes her out of the moment of negative attention. my frustration is relieved with tackling and tickling her (because i guess i am a kid, still, at heart) -- and she sees her mom laughing instead of being angry, so i feel better that i just showed her a positive way to deal.

oh, i know it's easier said than done!!!!! Believe me, I've had plenty of "NO" "Don't do that" angry days -- but it's something to remember if you can just set your mind to BE HAPPY!!!! everyone feels so much better!

Baths are great, too, to splash, and play and have fun -- turn the angst into something good.

Distraction really works! Again, so easy to say ... it's takes practice. Do you have hippity hops? Do you have some fun kids music? Those are things my girls love and it gets some raw energy out that we all desperately need to happen!

I have a dog, too -- you have three, oh my gosh! that would be hard to handle! can you put the dogs somewhere else when the kids are acting up? our beagle can really drum up the excitment level when she wants to and that can either help or hinder us -- when she's hindering, she goes outside. but playing with the dog can be fun, too. I cannot imagine three!

I think 2 years is still too little to give up a nap, but, each kid is different. perhaps, put your two year old down for naps, everyday at the same time, say after lunch -- that's it! and have some alone time with your 4 year old -- draw, watch a movie, read, or play outside close to the monitor -- or let her do something on her own, while you have some time to recharge.

I know it's hard to be alone with your kids -- i am alone, too, sometimes more than i'd like. we have no family here, so it can get pretty lonely for me. the good days are the ones when i have had some coffee, have loved my kids with laughter, and i can relax at the end of the day with a good movie and a beer! but all days are not like that! if you're having a bad day, you can email me, and maybe i can make you laugh! just hang in there, and before you know it this time will be over and you'll be looking back on it with great memories and smiling at the times that were so frustrating!

good luck, and kick those hounds (just kidding!) -- A.

Oh, I know how you feel. My kids used to be on a consistant and reliable schedule, but now they just don't make sense. Some days, they take naps (short or long) and other days they dont. I tried to force it for a while, but ended up feeling terrible about the powerstruggle to keep them in their beds. So, now I just capture the moment when I can, but don't rely on it.

You sound anxious. I had a lot of anxiety over loosing the naps. My kids wake up through the night still (3.5 years old and 20 months old). Even if I just have to walk them back to their bed, change the night time diaper, or give them a sip of water, it's still an interrupted sleep pattern. I often felt hung over, and not present for them by morning (or all day). I had a huge dependency on the nap time for my ME TIME and for my own naps. When it started going away, I really felt like my last coping technique was rudely pulled out from under me. So, I talked with the family Dr. about how I'm not rising to the occasion. I'm just as crabby and irritable as them; not coping well. She prescribed Prozac. I've been on it for a week and I can report the the anxiety for the most part has been lifted. I still feel overwhelmed at times, irritable, and frustrated, but my body is not caving for nap time. It's also a little bit of a stimulant so, I haven't been totally exhausted. I haven't felt hung over even after going through some tough nights and my desire for caffine and sugar has gone down. So, I'm sure that helps to regulate my temperament a little also.

But, we are all bored to death. Pre-school is a life saver for my son. We also just re-joined the gym and we can't wait to go swimming again. Both of my kids are loud, jumping, high energy kids that can move from one activity to the next with excitement. There are a lot of hours in the day to keep them entertained and away from teasing each other. Coloring lasts at the most about 30 minutes. Cutting arts and crafts or sticking stickers lasts about 30 minutes. We seem to bake cookies or make play doe daily. They watch about 3 hours of TV or a couple of movies. We take baths just for the heck of it. Make messes with shaving cream. Jump on the beds and take tricky flying leaps onto pillows... etc.... but, there's still plenty of time left (when I've got to go potty or fold laundry or make dinner) to get after each other. I put a lot of effort into keeping them occupied, but it's tiring. I can't wait till it stops raining and we can play outside. Even trips to the library only hog up a couple hours in the morning, that leaves hyper, hyper, hyper chaos for the evenings.

I try to be mature about it all, check my attitude, remain grateful, and plan for breaks the are not dependent upon them or on nap time.

All I can say is that you are going through a transition with this no nap thing, it might be tough for a while. You might need extra help like I'm doing with the Prozac, but you'll all learn to cope better. I feel for ya...

YM

I don't have any advice to offer really, only a story. So, my brother and I were 1 yr and 9days apart. We fought over EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) up until I left for college. It was only then that I thought about it that we really were close and missed him while I was gone. They say it is sibling rivalry. but perhaps we just did not always choose the appropriate way to express how much we cared for one another. That is what I thought after I left home.

Soon thereafter I would be in a store and I would see other people's kids fighting like I did with my brother. I saw what misery we must have put my mom through. So, I actually apologized to her when I was 19-20 yr. old for having made her crazy and was surprised that we did not send her to the funny farm.

I don't know if it helps, but maybe one day they will see the error of their ways. What to do in the meantime???

I think enforcing a naptime or quiet time is a good idea. Even if they aren't sleeping, they are taking a break, relaxing, etc, and may fall asleep anyway. I know of several moms who have a "quiet time" where their children go to their rooms and read in bed or just lay quietly for 30 minutes, or cuddle a stuffed toy, etc. Even a 4-year old needs that calm time.

As for their fighting and bothering the dogs - my only child is 16 months so I haven't the experience you or other moms have, but I'll still try. As for the dogs: is there some way you can keep the dogs away from them, not allow them to be around the dogs if they are going to torture them? My son also bothers our dogs, so I just keep the dogs out of his play area if he can't be nice to them. As for the children fighting: perhaps separating them as well when they can't play nicely would help or take away whatever is they are fighting over. I haven't tried Time-Outs yet as my son is too young and I don't know yet if it works on 2-year olds, but they are supposed to work well. Where are you putting them for time-out? It should be somewhere away from toys and people - like a bottom stair or a chair in a corner or an empty guest room - somewhere where there is nothing to distract or entertain them. And time-outs should last about 1 minute for every year of age and time starts over if they are not sitting quietly. Good luck! My sister and I were almost 2 years apart and we fought a lot at this age too, they'll grow out of it especially if you make it clear it's not acceptable.

my kids fight too, and it drives me insane! one story i thought of when i was reading your problem was a mother who intentionly kept her children seperated (in seperate places, rooms or something) and wouldn't let them play together. if they were together, she'd say 'oops, you two can't be together.' they eventually got upset that they couldn't play together. don't know if that'll work or not. good luck! it may just be they're jealous of each other, one gets to leave and the other gets to spend the day with mommy.

Enforcing naps is hard but having a quiet hour in the middle of the day is a little easier. Try putting on some soft music and putting them in different rooms to entertain themselves quietly.

That is what I had to do when I had my sister's kids full time. And I have had my daughter doing that since she stopped taking maps at 10months old (EEK!), but she is easy... she likes to sit down and look at her books.

Stress seems to be every mom's middle name at one point in time or another. You are doing good!

I think it's great that you've implemented a quiet time- everyone needs some down time during the day and a 2 year old should definitely be resting (if not sleeping).

I wonder if you could use the quiet time to come up with some interesting activities for the kids for after. Perhaps you could set up an art project or ask them for help sorting something. Kids this age love to help and by working in preschools I've found that the kids who cause the most trouble need more challenging activities to keep them busy (and away from other kids). Maybe you could set your daughter up helping you with dinner and your son could play with a toy on the floor nearby. Or you could set them to a task they can do together- like cleaning up or finding something you've asked for. I hope this helps! Good luck.

They may not sleep anymore, but you can put them in their beds and let them play quietly. Close the door and take time for yourself. If you're out of sorts and pulling your hair out, you can't be there for them. You have to have your time. Maybe just gate them in their rooms (hopefully separate)for 30 minutes each day. Let them learn to play by themselves. Maybe they'll appreciate the time they have together more. These are things I've tried. I pray they help you too.

My kids are the same age as yours and I do notice that they fight or are more irritable and tend not to listen when they have not had naps. I'm glad you were able to enforce some quite/nap time. Hopefully that is helping. As far as not listening goes I read a book called 123 magic. It's a great book and my kids hate it, oh I mean I'm really seeing results. I can be firm without flipping out and if they flip out that's ok. The result is I get some action before I have to dicipline. I am teaching my son (the tattle tale) when you should tattle and good ways to resolve fighting. Although my daughter doesn't get it I think if I can get him to model the behavior maybe she will follow.

My kids ask about each other when the other is gone too. If I am having a particularly bad day I will send each of them to their rooms (or a room) to play by themselves.

Good luck