My In-laws

Hi M.,
Holidays are suppose to be "the most wonderful time of year". They haven't been for me the last few years and they don't seem to be for you either. My christmas last year couldn't have been worse and I have spent all of this year dreading the holidays this year.
I don't know if what I'm going to do will work, but this year I've decided that my primary family is, my husband, my daughter and myself. Everyone else is extended family. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. And one of the most important lessons that he tried to teach was to love one another. I don't remember him have and if ands or buts in there. Also we are suppose to keep our family together and strong. By excluding any member of the primary family apart isn't celebrating the holiday is it?
I would suggest that you and your primary family spend the holidays together, anyone else who is extended family will have to make their own choices. Just because you have made a choice to keep your family together doesn't mean that you are choosing for anyone else, i.e. your in-laws, they are making their own choices, as they have a right to.
Remember what the holiday is suppose to be and celebrate it as it should be, don't let anyone overlook you, ignore you, punish you. It is not their place to judge you, someone else will take care of that at a later date.
Good Luck and God Bless you and yours.
TRUDI

Hi M.,

Regardless of who did what to whom really doesn't matter. You are married and have 3 kids. Your husband should honor you as his wife and the mother of his children. If he doesn't respect you, stand by your side and honor you in front of his parents then why should they??? Your husband should set an example to his parents and his children about the true meaning of love and forgiveness. After all children are involved here. Ask your husband what he thinks this is teaching his children? Ask the in-laws the same thing. If you have a daughter what she is being taught is that it is okay for a man not to honor his wife. Have either one of you or the in-laws thought about how the kids involved must feel at Christmas time with all of this tension in the air and then being seperated from their own mother.

I'm not sure where you stand on religion, but God has some incredible things to say about the union between a man and a woman. As well as how we raise our children. Regardless of what has been said and done between you and your husband, God can restore all things to his good. All you have to do is let him.

I too use to have the on again off again relationship with my husband. We decided that we just couldn't do it any longer and committed our life to the Lord. God started cleaning up things in our life and our kids and we never imagined things would be as great as they are. We have our problems (everyone does) but NOTHING like before! For the first time in our life my husband and i are content through Christ.

M.

Hi Michelle,

I can relate to your situation,however I am in the inlaw seat. I also have been the abandoned wife on the holidays because my 1st husband did not want to go to my families house.

My daughter is married to a man who upon his confession "never looses an argument", it only makes him stronger". They have had several crummy times in their marriage, and after hearing the tears in my daughters voice several times, I butted in and fired off a corporate e-mail to about 30 people. to him and his parents and my prayer partners. (Nothing profane or slanderous...just some truth during that point in time that was appropriate. It of course was not taken very well. I did try and apologize, which his reply to me was shallow.

So now my son-in-law hates me...I am not welcome to visit, though my daughter (when she can afford to bring my grandkids for a visit can.) It may be awhile. It was cheaper for me to fly, than for her of course.
Add to this, is the fact that his parents are very distant in their relationship with my daughter, though they live only a few miles away. They virtually have nothing to do with the grandkids. (That stinks!) Holidays are not a celebrated occaision, because they have missed Thanksgiving, and now will not be around Christmas. My daughter is bummed. (Though in my mind, she doesn't know how blessed she is not to be around people like that.

As for my first marriage, when the holidays came around, my husband did not want to go to my parents house very much, and he would "opt out" to be at his parents while I was at mine.
My step-dad never really like him because we lived together before we were married. My mom was not allowed to attend my wedding when we did get married. So hurt feelings were part of my marriage.

I guess all I can tell you is that life is too short to harbor un-forgiveness. You msut rise above their shallowness and let them know that you love their son, and that despite past indifference between you and him, that you want to be accepted into their lives, if for only reason because of the grandkids. Your hubby should try to reason with his parents. If they cannot include you, he should make it known to them that your future Holidays will be for your immediate family...(you, him and the kids.)
If they want to come over and take the kids shopping, to the movies, or whatever that it will be ok with you if they do so.

I wish the best for you and your situation...
Please feel free to e-mail me again if you'd like.

C.
Mom of three, and two grandsons I have not seen in 6 months.

I completely agree with Misti. Your husband should stand up for you as his wife and the mother of his kids. If you aren't welcome in his parents home, then I don't think your husband or kids should go there either especially on the holidays when it would leave you alone! That is not fair! It is their fault if they don't see their grandchildren because you aren't welcome. You come with the package since you are married to their son!! Hope you get things worked out, it must be very difficult!

C.

M.-
I hope you have found from all of these responses that you are so not alone. I don't understand why whenever strife occurs between a husband and wife, no matter what, the wife is always blamed. It is so unfair and unjust. My husband and I have split up. No matter what I say or do, he thinks he is blameless
and then portrays this to not only his parents but mine as well. All I can say is don't lower yourself to that level. Just keep on doing the fantastic job that you do w/ your kids. You have the most important job in the world, and everyone will be a better person because of that.

I agree with Misti and Christina. At this point, it's your husband who is in the wrong. I am extremely close to my parents. My husband likes to remind me occasionally that he comes before them now. I usually take my parents' advice and tend to cling to the way I was brought up, the way they did things. I tease him about leaving him for them. :) But for a marriage to work, when push comes to shove your spouse needs to be on your side.
If it happens that your kids don't get to see their grandparents for a while, that's their decision, not yours. Don't fall for that guilt trip.
Good Luck,
A.

There is no way I would put up with that! I would have put my foot down the first year. Your husband should never have gone along with that. You are his family. If they want to see his family, they had better stop being jerks to you!

When my parents divorced, we all spent holidays together until both my brother and I were grown. It wasn't as pleasant as it could have been. Since we've been adults, we spend Christmas Eve with my mother and Christmas Day with my father, switching off on Thanksgiving (though my DH and I had Turkey Day this year). Even though we now have to throw my in-laws into the mix, this works much better. Take a page from your Kindergarten teacher (remember that old poster "All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten") and take turns with the holidays. You'll be much less stressed if you do.
It isn't all your responsibility to see to it that your kids see their paternal grandparents. It's your responsibility to see to it they get to their FATHER. What he does when their there is his concern--including spending time with his parents.
As far as their attitude towards you goes--wouldn't you support your own children over their ex-spouses regardless of blame? You'd have to wonder about a parent that didn't.

This is a tough, yet common circumstance. It's very hard to know the right things to say. I will share my opinion, for what it is worth. When a couple marrys, they are now a family. It's no longer up to the parents, etc. to tell the children what is right or best. Can your children go to their grandparents home on days other then holidays? Who has the children on the actual day of the holiday? You are the one who is raising your children. You are their mother, no one is ever going to agree 100% with your choice, but you are the one responsible. I have not been accepted in my father's family and most of it, if not all of it, has to do with his previous marriage and family. Last year, my husband was agoing to go to coffee with his dad. I made the request to my husband to ask his dad if I could go. In the beginning, my husband rejected my request and even rejected the idea that his father unwillingness had nothing to do with me, but his past. Well, things didn't go well on that request. My husband now doesn't talk to his father. Yes, it's hard and there is a lot of hurt, that may never be resolved. But, I feel, that by my father in law isn't only rejecting me, but a part of my husband as well. That part is his choice to marry me. When a couple marrys, they don't marry parents, but each other. I also wonder, do your in-laws talk mean about you in front of your children and vice versa? It is not good for a child to hear bad things about their heritage. It's very confusing to them and leaves them asking questions about themselves. That, to be, would be the most important thing, to be addresses/

hi Michelle,
Inlaws can be pretty hard to deal with at time because we all know that their child is the perfect one. Maybe you can try and ask your mother-in-law to lunch and just the two of you sit and talk. Did yu ever think that maybe your husband is not saying the nicest things about you to his family? Three years is a long time to hold a grudge, unless of course more ammo has been fueled to the fire. Try the one on one lunch and see how it goes. You are the kids mother so you do have the ultimate say in who they can see and not see. GOOD LUCK!!!

Obviously I don't know the details of what went on between you and your husband (& his family) but I am amazed that you've allowed the "banishment" to continue this long. I would talk to your husband and either have him intercede with his family on your behalf or put your foot down and tell him that it ends now, THIS CHRISTMAS, if they don't want to "allow" you in their home, then inform everyone that you will be spending the holidays at your home, as a family, and if they want to join you that's up to them. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Michelle, 3 yrs is too long...I would have only given 1 yr but that's just me...this is a personal thing between you & your husband you don't need to involve or let the mominlaw become involved just to complicat things more. But at the same time who knows what your husband has told her to make it this way? This is YOUR famiy and you need stand strong and take control...yes, don't allow them to go without you any longer. Make the parentsinlaw realize they are not running the show with YOUR children! Put your foot down and let that be that this year. It is a kick in the butt that they allow your children to come over but not you...WHATEVER! You need to stop this NOW!

You are definitly a better woman than I. I wouldn't have waited so long. Your husband needs to stand up for you though! He needs to tell them that either they invite his whole family or none at all. Yes they are his immediate family but he also made that choise to seperate from his parents to marry you and start his own family. His parents need to look to the bible... But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins. Good luck!

I agree with Laurie. EIther talk to them direclty yourself and explain that you will not allow this treatment any longer as it's not fair to your family (you, your husband, your children) and is not acceptable. The past is the past. Then I would just make plans to be there with them or have everyone to your house as Laurie suggested.

First of all M., the relationship between you and your husband is exactly that. Between you and your husband. What happens in your relationship whether its your fault or his should not make it where you and his parents cannot get along at least amicably. There are children involved so they need to see that its hurting them too. We often get sucked into our own worlds where we are so upset we don't see the big picture. My only advice is to try to talk to them. If they don't want you at their house meet somewhere nutreul for lunch or something. State how you feel and that if this situation continues that you will be taking the children out of it. Children at any age are smarter than they seem. They know that something is strange when Mommy doesnt go with them to grandmas. If not for you, you need to try to mend the situatin for your children. No matter who is to blame, the best thing is that everyone be civil. And don't let it get you down. You have a loving family as is, if they do not want to be a part of it its their loss.

I have to agree that your husband needs to step in on this one. I have had some major ups and downs with my husband where it has involved both sides of our families. We come as a package, my husband and my father do not get along and my dad doesnt want my husband in his house so we dont go to his house. He comes to my house to see his grandkids or he doesnt see them. he stays for maybe 15 minutes then he is gone. I wont allow him to come between us. Your husband should feel the same.

M.-
I am surprised that you have put up with this treatment from the in-laws for this long. It sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with them. Let them know that everyone has doubts from time to time, and you have had your misgivings and doubts about the marriage in the PAST. You have since made the decision to stay in the marriage. Tell them that you love their son and your children, and that you need their emotional support and acceptance if you are going to be a strong family.

This is not fair to the children to have them see their mother treated as a second-class citizen by their grandparents. Your in-laws need to realize that you and their son are adults and that you have struggles sometimes and that you will work them out as a family. What's wrong with your husband that he ALLOWS them to treat you this way?

I would try to sit down and talk to your in-laws and try to establish some boundaries that are reasonable. If they are unwilling to be accepting of you in their home, I would tell them that as a family you, your husband and children are spending the holidays together as a FAMILY, and that if they want to welcome ALL of you into their home, then go spend Christmas there, and if not, then I would ask my husband and children to stay home with me. Or try inviting the in-laws to your home. I would not allow the family to be split up for the holidays.

Your husband needs to stand up to his parents and claim his family- his whole family, including you. He needs to stand by you and tell his parents that if you are not welcome in their home, then the children and he will not be there either.

The in-laws should also be reminded that it takes two to tango. You were thinking of divorce because there was a problem between you and their blameless son. He is as much at fault as you, and they need to recognize that.

Good luck.

that is a tough situation. family is the most important thing in the world but your husband needs to tell his parents that you are his wife and they need to except that despite what might have happened between you two. thats not fair to you to not be with YOUR family on christmas! have christmas at your house and invite the in-laws. that way you are on your own territory and if they don't want to come its their loss! grandparents are important but not when they are coming between your husband and kids and you.

M.-
i am sorry about your troubles with your in-laws as they do happen, but they need to get over this a little bit, its been 3 years right? I do agree with some of the other gals, why isn't your husband standing up for you, you are his family!! He needs to get some balls and stand up for you, and they need to get over whatever it is they are grudging against. The holidays should be spent with family, and hopefully that will include all of you this year... Good luck!

First how dose your husband feel about what is going on? Talk to him about how you feel and what you two can do about it. If you are still together after what happen it must mean that you have worked out your problems and still love each other, they should respect your marriage and their son’s wishes. I know about the in-law problems. We ended up taking in my husbands sister three kids because of her drug problem And some how it ended up being all my fault that the state was taking the kid away from her .not that I was opening my home and taking a lot of extra time way from our kids to help the kids out . We will not be going to his parent’s house, this year because of some of the thing that where said during this time. My husband said that we wont be going to their house until apologize are made, but I didn’t think it was right that he couldn’t go see his parent because of how I felt and because I would go with him , so I told him that he could go and take the kids . He said that if they could respect me then they did not respect him and his family. He called and told them that this is how we felt as a family and that they were welcome to come and see the kids when apologize were made to both of us. We didn’t even give them this year, he felt it would be more of a shock to their systems if they didn’t get much notice. I do not know if this helps, but hopefully it lets you know others feel the same way.
S.