My Grandson Resents New Nanny

A sugguestion? Maybe the "old" nanny could talk to him and explain why she had to leave him and make him understand it wasn't his fault she is no longer w/him. C.

If he's 5, is he in pre-school opr kindergarten. My children's elementary school has a counselor that may be able to help you with this problem. Even if he is not a student at the local elementary school, go there and ask to speak with the conselor. You may even be able to do this yourself at your local school, if you don't live close to them.

Try talking to your son and see if he can articulate what is different about the new nanny - transitions can be hard and it could be something as simple as the way she cuts his sandwich or a routine switch throughout the day....in the meantime, let him know his behavior is unacceptable and make sure not to put up with his actions. Make a rule chart and let him know if he hits or kicks or spits, etc then he will go into timeout. After a few weeks he will get used to the new nanny and it will be ok, but hopefully she will be able to stick with him till then!! Try to speak with her as well and make sure she is understanding of the situation and reassure her this will pass if she can hang in there. No need in making more transitions for the little one. :)

It's not the new Nanny's fault the old Nanny had to leave. 5 yr old might feel he's rejected. Can the old Nanny write him a farewell note saying she'll miss him and hopes he'll make friends with his new Nanny? Transitions can be hard, but this is an opportunity to begin a new relationship which could be a very good one if he gives it a chance. He'll eat eventually. Kicking is not allowed - he's old enough to know better. He's got school coming soon if he's not in school already and there's lots of changes on his horizon. He's going to have to learn how to deal with them and the sooner he can handle them with grace rather than ill will, the better.

I was a nanny myself in this situation many many years ago, but there were 2 children (5 and 7). I agree with the previous poster that the mother needs to be firm and consistent with consequences for bad behavior but I think that the nanny needs to just let it roll off her back, if she is a good nanny, she will already understand that this is fairly normal for young children that lose someone important in their lives. I heard all the time how I was not doing something right/the same and when I had to reprimand them for bad behavior, they "hated" me and wished for the old nanny etc...The kids are grieving for a loss that is out of their control and they are not old enough to cope in a socially acceptable way. Your grandson needs to have his loss acknowledged. I used to tell the kids something like this: I know that you miss "Name" and the way that she did things, but she is not here now. I am not Ms."name" and I do many things different but we can still have fun and do things together. Or if I had to put them in time out and they were mad at me I would remind them that Ms. "name" would have put them in time out for the same behavior. It was a hard road and those kids are now in college but they love me like crazy and I still see them once a year (I moved a couple hours away when they got older). You just need to balance compassion with discipline. Try getting him to help make his food, to make some of the small decisions in his life -give him choices so he feels like he has a little control in his life. Good luck and I hope the nanny can hang in there for his sake.

K.

ps-you may want to look at the stages of grief and ways to help children cope with the loss of a loved one...though she is not dead, she has suddenly disappeared from his life.

"Very rebellious" is putting it mildly; I suppose I would use the phrase "spoiled and out of control"! Sorry---we had a nanny too for our two young boys, and they were NEVER allowed to speak to her nor treat her any differently than they did us, their parents. To instruct and reinforce this, we listened to many conversations they had with the nanny, asked her to report any unwanted behaviors, and also specifically talked to them in child-terms about how their nanny was their 'extra-parent' when we were not present. ALL of her rules were to be followed. A change in caregiver is traumatic at young ages, to be sure, but knowing what will and will not be allowed for behavior is tantamount to getting along in life at home or at school. I would suggest that the mother (and on a different day, the father) stay home and interact and buffer and correct and observe all aspects of a day with the nanny. Any acting out should be dealt with swiftly, but by the nanny, who is given this power by the parent IN FRONT OF the child and is present when the reprimand or whatever is meted out. Best is when the child runs to the parent when they do not like something the nanny has done and the parent calmly directs them back to the nanny saying, "sorry, Susan, is charge during the day, I just happen to be working at home today." and watch closely as this situation hopefully rights itself. There is longing for what they can not have, being standoffish with mild refusal to play or engage only after heroic nanny-efforts, and then there is unacceptable behavior. This child sounds like a manipulator who has had a bit of past success....Once they are certain they can trust the new nanny to follow their principles and rules with only kind but very firm resolve, the parents need to assert themselves with their child. It is hard to find a good nanny and so helpful to have one to assist a parent in the even harder task of raising a good child!! good luck. it is a sensitive issue for ALL of the parties.