My Friend's Son Having a Hard Time with Kindergarten

Does his mom stay home while he's at school? My son went to all day preschool (7a-330p 4 days a week last year) and had similar problems when he knew I was at home. He's in Kindergarten now and LOVES it. I promise to get all the "boring" stuff done while he's at school and spend the whole evening concentrating on him, playing with him, making homework fun and a game, talking about his day etc. I also gave him control of his morning routine. I gave him a list of things that had to get done before he left the house and he gets to decide what order they get done in. (He goes all day 5 days a week now).
Last year, I spent time at school with him to help him adjust to the new preschool. It was his second year of preschool but he changed from a daycare to a preschool center. I told him while I was there he was to participate with class but I would come in and spend time one day a week. (Of course I OK'd this with the teacher first.) This helped him so much last year, and it helped the teacher to see what tactics we use at home to help him relaxe and she could do the same.
Sorry, I jumped around so much. Hope something in here helps her out. It's sooo hard to see a child not love school, especially when it's your own!

What a ruff life for the little man. I have a hard time with my 5 yo leaving my side. She does thankfully LOVE school and wants to ride the bus (even if I am at her school at dismisal, but it is also the same school she went to last year for Preschool).
My best advice would be for mom to try to find a way to work in his classroom at the beginning of school (avoid the bus) and wean him into the situation. With my daughter I have to slowly walk away. Like the first time I might have to stay 30 min and then the next time 25 min and so on until she no longer wants me to even get out of the car lol
This might be very hard to do since there are so many little ones in the classroom, but the school should be willing to work with her and she might possibly be able to take him early (like 30 min before school starts and the teacher is there but the other kids aren't). It won't be easy for him or mom, but it WILL get easier. It is just a matter of time and finding out why he is so upset. If he had no problem with preschool last year, the bus might scare him, or older kids on the bus or playground could have scared him. At five it is SOOO hard to tell what is going on in thier mind. I hope she is able to work it out.

I also wanted to add that my daughter has a Bear and Blanket that she takes to school. Bear sits in her bookbag and gaurds the hallway so no one messes with the other kids' stuff. Her blanket goes in her desk so that she has it for nap time. She is not the only child with a special thing for rest time, but she is the only one with a bear. Even though this little guy goes to public school, the teachers should be able to make room for his speacial comfort item if he has one.

Maybe she needs to withdraw him from kindergarten and put him in a pre-k program. There is no rule that a child has to start kdg at 5. My son went to kdg when he was 6. He wasn't socially ready for kdg. A book called Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax talks about how boys are not ready for kdg at 5 but girls are and that countries where kids go to school at 6 are more successful. I would not put my child through the stress he is obviously going through. He will suffer for it the rest of his life and you don't want him to hate school.

Maybe he's simply not ready for full day kindergarten. I know a lot of kids who have gone to preschool an extra year and then gone straight to first grade, skipping kindergarten altogether. She could homeschool for any gaps between the kindergarten and preschool curricula.

I plan to send my daughter for half a day, even though the school offers full day as an option. I just think that all day is tooooo long for many 5 year-olds.

You could also check with the teacher for what's going on socially in the class. Many children are not equipped to deal with social things that may happen in school--teasing, exclusionary play, bullying. And sometimes teachers are inexperienced at dealing with them as well.

Good luck, I hope he can get some confidence about school so he will look forward to it, rather than dread it. There's alot more of it for him.

I have not had this problem, however a friend of mine also did. The key was consistency and reassurance! She had to get him up every morning, assure him it would be ok, assure him that she would be there as soon as he got home, and assure him that he will make it through the day and it will get easier. Telling him that he is growing up and this is a part of life helped to, because she gave him other freedoms that comes with being a big boy (these things he was not able to do if he didn't go to school).
Hope this helps!

When my daughter was in Kindergarten she would throw a fit every morning when it was time to get on the bus. She would complain of tummy aches, etc. Come to find out, there was a boy on the bus that would not sit still and was always getting "yelled at by the bus driver". Apparently the busdriver would threaten this boy that the principle would come on the bus and yell at him. The principle was about 6'5" had red curly hair and beard and one eye was crossed, LOL. My daughter was terrified of the principle!! Once I found out what the problem was, I talked with the principle and he was very nice about trying to talk with her so she would not be so afraid of him. Of course, I also talked to her about it and assured her that I understood he looked pretty scary, but he would not "eat her".

Maybe there is something that the boy is afraid of in school that can be worked out if they can find out what it is.

Good luck and God Bless!

has she considered homeschooling?
there are a huge variety of curriculum, some state curriculum, that are available. and some are fantastic.
if he really hates school that much, should he be forced into it if he isnt ready, cementing his fear and hatred of school?

how can he be set up to win in the long run?
my sister in law just took her 5, 7, and 9 year olds out of school and started a free program called k-12. they even give you a computer if you need it for the school work.

maybe a possibility worth considering.

or giving him another year before entering him.

good luck to your friend.

Hi A.,
I can sympathize with your friend. My son just started kindergarten and he had a real hard time with it. He went from home daycare into full day, 5 days a week kindergarten. He's not all the way there yet - but it has gotten much better - he's even liking school.
I wish I had some better advice for her besides "it just takes time". Does she know how everything goes for him once he gets to class? That's how I began to feel better; the teacher would say he was doing great and I knew it was just a matter of getting him into class. She might want to ask the teacher and/or staff for some advice on making things easier for him.
Again, wish I had some better advice for her. She is not alone! I hope she soon hears "I want to go to school" - it's a great feeling:<) Best of luck to both of you!

I understand how much of a transition there can be for little guys to kindergarten. The focus has become so much more academic and that is an area that boys have a harder time with. It is not an intelligence issue, it is a development issue - they are about a year behind girls at that age. I strongly suggest putting him in Pre - K where academics are not the focus, but socialization is - that is where they thrive. Academics will come - but it is important for him to like school and not develop bad feelings about it - it really can follow him throughout his school years. Boys just need a little more time before they are expected to operate in a full class setting - especially full day kindergarten. If there are any possibilities for 1/2 day - that might help too. My boys attended 1/2 day kindergarten. I know that if they had to have full day, there would have been issues like that for us to deal with too. That is such a long day for them! It is unfortunate that the school system doesn't allow time for kids to mature enough to enjoy it - I fear boys especially will continue to suffer due to the earlier education structure. Sorry - just my 2 cents worth!! Good luck to your friend - tell her to do what she knows is best for her son - moms are best at knowing what their kids need.

My daughter just started Kindergarten, too. She has been in a daycare setting since she was 2, so she's used to the academic routine. But for some reason, she didn't adjust well. They set up visits with the school counselor, and she's been happy to go to school since the first couple of visits. I'd recommend a counselor talking with your friend's son about the transition...that this is his new routine...that he'll get to see his mom after school & on the "off" days...and evenutally that school is fun. My daughter likes to draw, so she drew some pictures of her family & things like that with the counselor. Her teacher & I can really see a difference, and now she's happy to go to school.

Good luck. I certainly hope & pray that it gets better soon!!

Hi A., I feel so bad for your friend that she is having this happen, because when I was five I did the same thing to my mom and still to this day I am teased about it. I was so attached to my mom that I couldn't seem to let go, I would just cry the whole time that I was there so the school decided to let me skip kindergarten all together. Of course the joke has been going around for years that I was too dumb and got kicked out. That really did a lot of harm to me and I hope that won't happen to her son. I wish her good luck.

I haven't read every response, so excuse me if I'm repeating something... Is your friend able to drive her son to school and walk him to his classroom? I believe that would help a lot. At first, he may throw a fit about her leaving him at the classroom but eventually, he may willingly go in without a problem. I'm speaking from experience, by the way.

Hi A.,
I was a kindergarten teacher and had a student who cried frequently. After about two weeks, her mother decided to pull her out and put her back into preschool. The next year she came back and was one of my best students. She was so confident, happy, and did extremely well academically. She just wasn't ready. I would suggest that to your friend, especially if he has a spring/summer birthday. It sure wouldn't hurt him to wait a year. Good luck!
S.

It doesn't seem like a hard problem to figure out! Kindergarten used to be half-days until fairly recently, and for good reason. Just because our government has decided to make it a full day doesn't mean it is good for children of this age or that all children will be ready for it. They are also getting homework at this age!! If this mother is still at home, I would suggest that she homeschool her child. It just doesn't sound like he's ready for kindergarten yet, and this could be setting him up for a lifetime of hating school, and therefore learning. We can teach our children as well or better than public schools and protect their emotional development and spirits as well.

I feel for this family! When I was a child I also had a very hard time going to Kindergarten. I had just turned 5 a few days before school started so I was very young. My mom ended up taking me out and sending me the next year and I was fine. Maybe this mom could give her son something to take with him that would be comforting, like a family picture or something else from home. Did he/does he have a security blanket or other object? If so, maybe he could take a small piece of that in his pocket (cut a corner off the blanket, etc..). I would definitely talk to his teacher and psychologist though. Good luck!

Hi A.,

I admire your concern for your friend and her son.

When did he turn 5-late spring or this past summer? That could be a factor. My sister, a mom to 3 boys, was told by a teacher that boys often have a harder time being separated from their moms at this transition.

If he's a young 5, waiting a yr could be an option and just continuing on w/ preschool. Is their a school counselor available?

Encourage him to talk w/ his mom or another adult about specific fears/dislikes he has about school. Maybe point out that ALL the kids are away from their parents, but will return to them at the end of the schoolday.

~K.

Similar to what Grace was saying....

My son went through this in first grade. It came on after a serious car accident in August followed by 9/11. The whole family went to counseling to learn how to deal with DS anxiety. My husband and I getting our ducks in a row helped DS because then he wasn't worried about me and home when he was away.

I thinking pulling him from school without learning what causes the anxiety would only make in worse next time.

I had similar issues myself after my family moved when I was in second grade. I felt sick to my stomach every day, and was just sure I was going to throw up on the bus--which only made me more anxious. It was better if my mom drove me to school, but that wasn't always an option. I outgrew it, or learned to deal with it, but anxiety was always an issue for me. I had to learn to handle the anxiety.

Knowing what was going to happen during the day really helped me; routine, routine, routine! Thinking about going home after school, and what I was going to do then instead of how much longer school was, helped me. Breathing exercises helped me. (Breathe in four beats, out four beats, wait four beats, repeat....) Being allowed to eat my lunch in the classroom helped me. (probably not an option in today's schools, but having an assigned lunch seat or lunch buddy might help) My mom going into school to volunteer helped. Inviting friends from school to play at my house after school helped. Many of those things made school feel more like an extension of home than a completely separate place that didn't have anything to do with my family.

I think most of my anxiety was about friends. Who would play with me at recess, or sit with at lunch? An after school program helped, because it allowed me to make friends in a different way. Having just one good friend made a world of difference.

Has your friend met with the school counselor? Most have one, and this is one of the things they are trained to deal with.

Of course, it could be a maturity issue. Many people hold their kids back if they can, which skews the age of the entire class older. As a last resort, your friend might want to consider taking her son out of kindergarten, enrolling him in a pre-K class for another year. Maybe she could add a day care once a week to make it an all day experience. These things, plus a year of growth, might make all the difference for next year.

I wish I had some advice to make it easier, but I don't. I do not believe in full-day kindergarten. I think even at 3 days a week it is too much for little ones. Our country is so obsessed with "keeping up with the Jones'" that they are trying to cram education down the throats of our children at such a young age. My 5yr old started preschool this year (he missed the cutoff date) to try and get him interested in going to school for next year, but I will not even entertain the idea of full day. In the state of Indiana, kindergarten is not even required. Maybe she could find a church school or daycare that offers kindergarten. That might make the transition a little easier. Many offer financial assistance programs as well.

It might be difficult since she works outside the home, but I would pull him from school and send him next year. One year could make all the difference in the world and might keep him from having problems with school later in life.

My oldest started school when he was five, he actually turned five shortly after starting school, and I wish we had held him back then. He wasn't ready - he had a hard time that year and every year thereafter. We ended up holding him back in 3rd grade (we were moving and switching schools, so it was a good time to do it) and he did a little better, but still held onto that hatred for school. Since then he nearly failed 5th, 7th & 8th grades and DID fail 9th, so he is now a year behind all of his friends and as a result is at a school he hates b/c he couldn't remain in the Catholic high school after failing.

That said, I hope she holds him back so it doesn't get worse for him!

My friend's son went through the exact same thing. My friend ended up at the school volunteering almost every day so that she could be close to him and help him get adjusted. They went through this the entire year that he went through Kindergarten and first grade. It did not get a whole lot better. It actually got worse by the end of first grade. She and her hubby decided to pull their son out of school and homeschool him. That was the BEST thing they could have done for him. He LOVES being homeschooled and they have found a great network with other homeschoolers. Their curriculum is incredible, it's OHVA (Ohio Virtual Acadamy). My friend's son is in 3rd grade now. He is a straight A student. He has just started thinking about maybe going to school next year. He feels that he would be ready to do it. Homeschooling allowed and allows him to mature emotionally and to kinda release himself from his mom... Sorry that this may not be an answer your friend is looking for but it might be a different option for her.

Sorry Im a bit late, we started our son in Kindergarten last year, he had turned 5 not even 2 weeks before. While he was more than ready socially( PLAY TIME, MAMA! :-) he was nowhere near ready academically.I realize this is not your friends concern, but long story short, we pulled him out of K, kept him home anouther year, he started again this fall, we just met with his teacher 4 days ago, she said he is doing great. She said it was a great thing to let him wait the extra year, as many of my customers are retired school teachers, not a one of them told me any different last year when we pulled him out. All said it is so much better to give them that extra year, esp. boys. Our concern was if he fell behind, which he did in the first 9 weeks, after which we pulled him out, we didnt want him to have a "bad taste" for school at such a young age. ( we all know that will come on its own!)It was the best thing we could have done,our son is now doing very well, and though I had concerns anyway, seeing some of his work he brings home, his teacher said he is perfectly normal, and much better than many of his peers. Anouther thinf she brought up, imagine him sitting at a desk all day this year, as 1st is, instead of having this year to do K stuff? He just needed anouther year to mature. And as a bonus, Mama got him for a whole extra year! I know this wasnt your concern, but something to think about. Good Luck to your friend, Hope the little one adjusts to whatever she decides.

I'm not an expert in the education field but my son did start Kindergarten at 6 but we planned that when he started pre-school. He does make friends easily and is fine without me but he is so silly and immature. He just turned 7 and is in the first grade at a new school and loves it. I think it is easier to hold them back a year when they are young as compared to older. Especially for boys, it is easier to be the oldest as compared to being the youngest.

Oh how sad! It must be so hard to leave him when he's like that. It sounds to me like he may have separation anxiety. I have a cousin who went through this all throughout her school years well into middle school. Your friend my benefit from speaking with the school psychologist on the best ways to help her son. Below is an article regarding seperation anxiety in children. I hope it helps a little:
"Going to school is usually an exciting and enjoyable event for young children. However, for some it can cause intense fear or panic. Parents should be concerned if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or often asks to stay home from school with minor physical complaints. Not wanting to go to school may occur at anytime, but is most common in children 5-7 and 11-14, times when children are dealing with the new challenges of elementary and middle school. These children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. The child's panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears and behavior can be treated successfully, with professional help.

Refusal to go to school often begins following a period at home in which the child has become closer to the parent, such as a summer vacation, a holiday break, or a brief illness. It also may follow a stressful occurrence, such as the death of a pet or relative, a change in schools, or a move to a new neighborhood.

The child may complain of a headache, sore throat, or stomachache shortly before it is time to leave for school. The illness subsides after the child is allowed to stay home, only to reappear the next morning before school. In some cases the child may simply refuse to leave the house. Since the panic comes from leaving home rather than being in school, frequently the child is calm once in school.

Children with an unreasonable fear of school may:

- feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves
- display clinging behavior
- display excessive worry and fear about parents or about harm to themselves
- shadow the mother or father around the house
- have difficulty going to sleep
- have nightmares
- have exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals,monsters burglars
- fear being alone in the dark, or have severe tantrums when forced to go to school
Such symptoms and behaviors are common among children with separation anxiety disorder. The potential long-term effects (anxiety and panic disorder as an adult) are serious for a child who has persistent separation anxiety and does not receive professional assistance. The child may also develop serious educational or social problems if their fears and anxiety keep them away from school and friends for an extended period of time.

When fears persist the parents and child should consult with a qualified mental health professional, who will work with them to develop a plan to immediately return the child to school and other activities. Refusal to go to school in the older child or adolescent is generally a more serious illness, and often requires more intensive treatment.

Excessive fears and panic about leaving home/parents and going to school can be successfully treated."