My friend and I have kids the same ages. We all get along great. You would never know it if you met her but she is a hoarder to the extreme. They live in a small apartment and literally, every space is covered with something. Stuff is piled high against every wall. Clothes are always thrown all over the house, her kitchen counters are so piled up with stuff I’ve never even been able to make out what kind of counter top she has. Her kitchen sink is always piled high with dirty dishes. Her kitchen table, same thing. Just “stuff” everywhere. I’m not exaggerating, but I wish I was.
Here is the thing, she has never invited us to her house to hang out. Most I’ve been there is to pick up her daughter so maybe spend 5-10 minutes at a time in the apt. I’m so flabbergasted by how much stuff they have in their place. Every inch of space has a box, or piles of magazines, you name it. You have to squeeze your way through to get to the couch. Not to mention all the food that was on her floor. Her place is a bit unsanitary.
When we’ve hung out it’s always at my place. She sent me an invitation for game night at her house. She is inviting several friends with kids. When I talked to her she said it will be hard to squeeze us all into her place but the wine should help us ignore the clutter (laughing).
Part of me wants to suggest we do the party at my house but I don’t want to offend her. I know I’m being so mean but the thought of hanging out in her place makes me feel claustrophobic.
You would have to see her apartment to believe it, but take my word for it, it’s unbelievable. Again you would never know it if you met her.
Should I suggest my house or just suck it up for the night? Would it be terribly rude of me to just ask her if we can move the party to my house?
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Thank you so much!!! I'm going to go to her house and as suggested, just nonchalantly ask her what I can do to help get her place ready for her party. Who knows...you may be right and this will be a good opportunity to talk about. I'll just take her lead on it though.
Peace & blessings!!
I wouldn't ask. Unless she brings it up, I'd go ahead and just deal with it being at her house graciously. Good luck!
I think you should go.
You never know.....having a get together might have been a reason for her to clean.
She's never invited you for anything like this before. Maybe she tidied up.
If not, then you can suggest something different next time she invites you.
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My mother is an extreme hoarder (I grew up in it) and until she just gave up on it, whenever friends were coming over, it always gave her an excuse to tidy up. The friends may not notice it or tell the difference (unless they were there a lot) but SHE did and that's what counts. Just quietly ask her if she'd like you to come over a little early to help straighten up. She might accept but if she's anything like my mother, she probably won't; she'll still be happy you offered though. My mother was very self conscious about the state of our house so she didn't like accepting help. You have to ask yourself how important this relationship is to you. Keep in mind this is pretty big for a hoarder to be inviting people over, especially if she's not done so before. So go, and have fun.
I would except the invitation and suck it up...I would even take it one step further and offer/ask/suggest/invite yourself over early to help "set up" for the party...then get there extra early and see about helping with a quick tidy in the room you will be in most!
~ I know myself, I wouldn't be able to NOT offer to help tidy up...and I would be sure to come off as excited about doing it too, making it sound good and easy, like it's no big deal... "How about it? C'mon! Just real quick. It'll be fun"!!!
I think that sometimes people with an issue like this deep down KNOW it isn't quite 'normal' but can't really come to terms with it. If you- a friend- have considered talking to her about it, other people may have already mentioned something to her, making her even more self-conscious.
I think inviting people over for game night is a way to see who will stand by her. I would go and just try to enjoy yourself.But maybe if a good opportunity presents itself privately later, talk with her a little about it. Just ask if she would like some help going through things to donate to charity, or something. It is a very touchy subject - but if no one ever tries to help her, she probably won't get any help.
Good luck- if this person is really your friend, I hope you can be supportive, but also help her out!
I would politely decline the invite. "Something suddenly came up."
...I have one of these too. We suck it up & go anyway. We just take extra care in watching our DD so she doesn't get hurt or buried. LOL! Good luck!
If you don't want to be at her place just politely decline the invitation. Maybe she'll get her house in order for the party. It might hurt her feelings to suggest moving her party. If it were me I would just go it's only one night. Maybe have your hubby call you half way through in case you need an excuse to get out.
I would totally suggest it, worse case she says no and really wanted it at her place. But it might also be a welcome suggestion, she might just be inviting you over to her house since she never hosts anything and feels obligated to have her "turn" so she might totally be up for the idea.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably accept her invitation and ask her if she wanted me to come over the day before to help her get ready. If she declines your offer to "come help get ready" then so be it. If not, then you can VERY CAREFULLY guide her through some strategies that might help her let go of some of the clutter.
You: "Where would you like me to move this to for the party?"
her: I don't know what to do with that. (or: Oh just anywhere.)
You: What I usually do is sort things by "keep, donate, or trash". It helps me keep the clutter at bay....
If she seems like she is just overwhelmed by it and doesn't know where to start, you could focus on just the table/sofa spaces, where the games will be played, and then offer to come over after the party if she wants to tackle any of the other space. That you'll be GLAD to help! (with a big smile).
If not, then I'm not sure what you can do.
I would go to her place for two reasons. #1 - It would most likely hurt her feelings if you suggested moving it to your place. #2 - You said she is inviting several friends. Perhaps a few of them may bring up the clutter to her and get a dialog started. Maybe she does have an issue and is also overwhelmed by the clutter. She may need help getting things in order. A perfect opportunity for her friends to step up and help her. If it does come up and she does admit she has a problem you may want to gently suggest she seek help with the underlying issues. And if you feel up to it offer to help her declutter.
No-you should go to her house. Maybe she will get in in order if she knows she is having people over. If not, then it would be a good opportunity (after the party of course) for you to gently ask her if she has hoarding issues and open up a dialogue about it. Maybe you can help her get some help for it.
I would accept the invitation and suck it up. The fact that she is even inviting friends over is very revealing perhaps she is trying to seek out feedback from her friends (not judgements), perhaps she is taking baby steps to make a change in her life. In fact, if she really is a big hoarder its pretty courageous of her to try to have a party at her house. Go and see what happens and be prepared to give honest and caring advice. Good luck!
i wouldn't go. and i don't think it would be safe to leave my kdis there, if its anything like that hoarder show.
When I was a young mom, I had a very good friend, and she and I both were completely overwhelmed with our houses. We fell into a pattern of helping each other, which was great fun and helped us with that overwhelmed feeling.
I realize that the way I was back then is hardly hoarding, and was not to that extreme. But I guess what I'm suggesting is maybe offering to come over one afternoon and help her out with getting ready for the party?
Be careful. Hoarders homes can be dangerous and unsafe-especially if you bring Kids there. Be honest with her regarding her extreme OCD and suggest that you have it at your house. Who's going to honestly enjoy being there? Theres no way that you can clean her place up in a matter of hours-by offering to help clean up I don't think that you know what you're getting into
It is a health hazzard and dangerous to be around soooo much stuff. I would tell her the truth. That you are closterphobic and her apartment is too much for you to handle but you would be willing to host it at your house if she would like.
Have you considered asking her if she would like to get help for her hoarding? I would.....
M
I think it was hard for her to invite friends over, I think you should go and have fun. If you can't stand it leave a bit early. I hope your friend is able to clean out her house for the sake of her child. Good luck.
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I think it was hard for her to invite friends over, I think you should go and have fun. If you can't stand it leave a bit early. I hope your friend is able to clean out her house for the sake of her child. Good luck.
