My "Dear" Mother-In-Law

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I would let it go(and steam inside first). you can't win with her and people think you are a b(*({ for complaining. when we are old, we will give gifts that are wanted, needed, and appropriate.

I LOVE MomCEO"s answer. "UPS sent me some pillow." LOL

I do think that's a bit strange. I too go through something similar with my MIL. When it's time for Christmas or my daughter's birthday, she always tells me that for her gift she'd like to pay for her ballet class or swimming lessons, etc. In the end, she never ever has done it. For Christmas last year she gave my daughter some used looking sand box toys and a old looking snowman candle...never tags, receipts, etc. We end up donating them, as you do.

My mother-in-law is probably the sweetest lady on the planet. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body, no alterior motives, accepts her sons and daughters-in-law and loves her grandkids, even the step ones. She is lovely.

She is also the worst gift giver in the history of all gift givers since the dawn of time. She tries, she really does. She never misses a special day or holiday. The kids have learned to thank her and be "thrilled" over her gift because it means a lot to her to give them and we have all learned the art of "re-gifting".

I understand, I really do, but you have to come from a place of having no expectations other than her good intentions. Don't ask her to make it, find it, buy it, send it. You save yourself a lot of heartache that way.

Purple:

Unless you offered to pay her to make the apron, I would let it go.

She didn't ask you for ideas, you gave her the idea...so instead of staying mad at the W. - which it sounds like you really don't like her - let it go. She GAVE HER SOMETHING handmade...that shows love and the time to make it...

In the future when she asks what the kids want for birthday or Christmas - just tell her - you do such a great job in picking out stuff - just do what you normally do....

In my opinion, you do NOT sound appreciative because you state "...almost guaranteed that we'll have donations for Goodwill...." wow...if it's the wrong size and still has a tag on it - you should be able to exchange it...stuff they don't want? At least she tried. Guess you would rather her send money instead?

I would let it go...love her for giving you a good man who gave you these kids that you love and let it go..

If you offered to pay your MIL to sew the apron for you, then I could understand being upset by receiving a pillow instead. As it is, it is a gift, and your MIL made what she had the inspiration and time to make. She may have waited too long to create a somewhat more complicated gift.

There's a very strange pattern emerging around gift giving and receiving. I can only guess that this is part of what women rant about when they complain about the prevalent sense of entitlement today.

But when I was a young mother, it was unimaginable, at least in the circles I moved in having grown up very poor, to demand or expect anything from anyone. Now I read all the time on this site that women expect and even demand all sorts of gifts for all sorts of occasions, and feel sorely disappointed if they receive something else, or nothing at all.

Gifts are gifts, and must originate with the giver. Ideally, they will be received graciously by the receiver, which I'm glad to hear your daughter did, in spite of her puzzlement or disappointment. But your MIL has already demonstrated what her gift-giving aptitude is. You can only hurt yourself by expecting her to change.

My MIL is similar. She askes what the kids want, and makes us give her lists. I struggle to do it, and then leave myself struggling with things to buy the kids. She does buy one thing (after realizing when she didnt buy them what they wanted it somehow mysteriously disappeard or got broken) but that is it. I have learned to tell her only one thing, and make it something not so special.
You might just say that your daughter liked the pillow and wondered if she was going to make the apron for Xmas, because if not you are going to buy her one. Or just ask for a pillow for Xmas, you might just get the apron instead :-)

call her ask her for the tracking # of the package with the apron, because your daughter is impatiently waiting for it.

I'd go for the "lovely pillow, MIL - Christmas is coming, granddaughter would LOVE a John Deere apron", repeat as often as needed. :) But don't tell your daughter.

Smart of you not to tell her to expect the apron. Way to go, Mom! My mother loved to sew clothes for me. The problem was that they were never clothes I would consider wearing. Awkward for sure but I love her anyway.

Mmm...yea. You should touch base with MIL and ask if she still plans to make the apron because if not, you'll run out and buy one. This lets her know that you were serious about the importance of this gift.

ETA: Elena B, your response is hilarious!

Stop asking her to make things. When you get the Christmas gifts, cherish those, they don't have to be what is ON YOUR list. How often are your kids going to have something made from grandma? I understand your daughter is disappointed, but if you make it more a big deal because you know of the apron idea, you will cause your daughter to start disliking her grandma and focus too much on gifts. Go to the dollar store, buy some art stuff and be creative. You don't have to be a seamstress to make a cute apron.

A gift is a gift, so it's rude to say anything about a gift that has been given.

If this is what she normally does, then I woudln't ever ask her for anything that your children really want or need. We have members of our family that will ask what you want, and then go out and get whatever THEY want to give you and it's never anything you'd ever use. Still, we smile, say "thank you" and then either find a use for the gift or give it away. We've learned not to ask those relatives for anything we really want or need because we know we'd never get it.

I think this is a good time for everyone to learn how to be grateful for what is given, no matter if you need it or not. If your daughter does not want or need a pillow, it's a good opportunity for her to accept the gift gracefully with a thank-you card and then either find a use or a new home for the gift.

After all, once a gift is given, it is yours to do with what you will. Even if that means discreetly donating it to Goodwill!

Sometimes older people have the best intentions and then for one reason or another cannot follow through...Maybe she did a pillow because it is far easier and she just doesn't enjoy or isn't able to sew like she used to. I have seen my mother's grand Thanksgiving dinners--which she used to love putting on--dwindle until I became the one doing dinner!

I think Surlatable.com had some really cute aprons with matching potholders--for like $19.99. There were 5 styles and my pre-teen daughter really liked them. If I were you, I would just have my daughter write your MIL a very nice thank you note, and then go online and buy her a cute apron yourself : )

ADDED: lololol Elena!!! Your aunt sounds hilarious! I also like the part about piling up all of the pillows in the corner to read...too funny!

Is there any chance the apron will arrive later or when you visit? I wouldn't say anything. Just go buy an apron for your daughter for her birthday. And don't expect anything different from your mother in law. Maybe they don't have money to buy what's on the lists and pick things up they find on clearance or new at garage sales.

sounds like you're harboring some long term resentment here. "She never gets what's on our lists." You can't change her. Why not focus on the good side of her instead of the negative. She does, at least, remember gift giving occasions and she's on time. I suggest you stop giving her lists, knowing she doesn't use them. And especially stop expecting something from her that she's not able to give.

You cannot change her but you can change your expectations of her. Love her as she is and you'll be happier for it.

It's really great that your daughter accepted the gift in a gracious manner and sent a thank you note, too. I'd be proud of her. You've obviously taught her well.

Hmm...I don't know. If you don't know how to sew, I'd either buy one or learn to make one myself (while I've never made one, they look VERY easy). I think the only comment I'd make is something about "Yeah, we're going to get my daughter an apron for Christmas because she loves to cook!" If your MIL offers to make one, I wouldn't hold her to it personally and would buy it.

My MIL is like that too. No, I never said anything to her. I just stopped bothering myself to come up with lists for her. With no "direction" from me she has started sending money and food baskets - both of which are useful and appreciated. - Go Figure!

Maybe she didnt have enough of the john deere material to make the apron so settled on the pillow? If your relationship with your husbands mother is one that you cant talk to her like your own mom, maybe you need to practice it. I tell my MIL just how it is... she cracks up and LOVES the fact that I dont mince things with her like my SIL's do. She has 4 boys and 4 DIL's... she thinks I'm pretty awesome.

I'd be irritated. But there's probably no sense in saying anything. You directly asked her for an apron, she said she'd do it and you got a pillow.... Sounds pointless.
From now on, I would suggest anything to her. Just tell her any gift is appreciated and leave it at that.
My MIL dumps stuff here that she finds at thrift stores and garage sales all the time. That is pretty much ridiculous, and silly. After a few weeks, I redonate it and leave it at that. I'd just let it go, and accept she is who she is!

If you wanted your daughter to have an apron, you should have either found an easy pattern you could have muddled through and made or bought one. Calling your MIL and essentially telling her what you hoped or expected her to MAKE for your daughter was kind of rude, and then to be disappointed when she decided to make something else was ungrateful even if she HAS made pillows before. It's rude to even expect gifts in the first place.

And I'll be blunt here, as if I haven't been blunt enough. If you have to say, "It's not that we aren't appreciative, we are, it's just that..." then you really aren't appreciative.

This is just one of those things that you really do have to suck up, and you don't have the right to tell people how to give gifts when you have no right to expect them in the first place. If you can't use the gifts or are unable to use them, or you simply don't want them, then donate them to a shelter for abused women and children or to an animal shelter. I'm sure there are people who could use them and would be truly grateful for them without qualifying "I'm grateful, but..."

I'd tell her that if she couldn't have made the apron - she should have let you know so you could have had it custom made by a seamstress in your area in time for your daughter's birthday.

I'm not a MIL YET...however, both my boys are dating (seriously) girls.

Saying that - I would hope that I would tell you if I couldn't do something...if we already have a tense relationship (sounds like you do) I would want to find a way to get along for my son's happiness.

So if you aren't willing to confront her - let it go.
If she asks for wish lists in the future...ooh...give her two things and be specific..don't just tell her over the phone...write it in an e-mail or a letter so there can't be confusion...

If that doesn't work - then really - all you can do is smile and say thank you..

I know you got a lot of answers and I'm just getting caught up with the weekend questions but thought I would respond anyway. My MIL is the same way. She makes pillowcases with characters on them for my hubbys dtr, her granddaughter. It was cute when she was little but she's 15 now and even tho she's special needs (moderate retarded) even she is a little sick of them. I mean really, how many pillow cases does a kid need??? and we have nicely hinted at a few things she could send her that would be more appreciated and age appropriate but she doesn't get it. and she isn't poor either. I was really embarrassed for her this last valentines day when she sent ONE little candy bar for each of our kids...I was like oh no you didn't...I mean just don't even send anything, its embarrassing and the kids are even like, that's it? they are 12 and 9. so ya, I get what you are saying and really it sucks. I want to tell her to just send a card and call it a day but hubby and I just laugh and tell the kids "well, thats grandma patty" and we all chuckle about it. what else can you do???!!! =)

I would let it go, she choose to give a pillow, it is a gift, and should be received with appreciation, not disappointment.

Just be thankful that your daughter didn't know about the apron! This is just my opinion, but I would use it as a learning opportunity for your kids. I'm glad you said that they're appreciative and show it to her, because that's exactly what my advice would be. We all need to learn how to accept people for what they are, quirks and all. Unless you think you MIL is deliberately sabotaging gift-giving, I wouldn't say anything to her. She may have run out of time, or she didn't want to use your idea, but wanted to come up with something on her own (even if it was something she'd done before). Who knows?

The bottom line is: getting gifts isn't really about getting exactly what you want. The real "gift" is that someone thought enough of you to give you one.

Of course, this doesn't mean that you can't raise your kids to be more thoughtful about the gifts they give. But your job isn't to correct your MIL, it's to teach your kids how THEY should behave.

My MIL has elements of this. In previous years, she had practically badgered me to give Christmas lists for stuff that we need. I always thought it was really tacky to write out a list unless you were a child and it was for Santa. One year, after she asked me 3-4 times for a list, I wrote one out for her. The older I get, the more practical I get so I wrote in stuff that we needed for the house. When Christmas came around, we got nothing that was on the list I wrote. I was kinda baffled because why ask for a list if you aren't going to get anything on it? I just smiled and thanked her...

Well, since I have a MIL that gives us anything she doesn't need anymore as a gift (yes, stuff around the house), I'd say I'd be pretty freaking pleased if she actually sat down and made something with her own 2 damn hands.
I still love her though, today she ruffled trough her jewelry box and gave me something for my 40th birthday, that according to her "I had beeing eyeing for a while" (so not true..but what the hell). I gotta say, I think it is age related.
LOL