My Daughter Would Rather Play Alone than Compromise the Activity on a Playdate

You've gotten a lot of good advice. I agree on not pushing the play dates often. A few every once in a while is good for an introvert. An introvert is not necessarily a shy, quiet person, but when give some free time introverts recharge in solo activities. Extroverts recharge when they are around people.
2 of my 3 kids are introverts. They still like doing things with their friends and going places, but they took a little longer to develop socially. When they were preschoolers, they'd play NEXT to each other in the same room. Sometimes with each other or they'd do something together...but many times one building legos right next to the one playing with trains.
Their social strengths weren't visible until about age 11 or 12. That's the schedule some people are on.

One of the hardest things for me is realizing that my boys are people with different personalities, likes, dislikes, phobias, fears and relational ideals. It sounds like she is just an independent little person. As long as you are being honest with her about how other people feel when excluded, I wouldn't worry about it. She will figure out through school, family and friends how she needs to act if she wants close relationships. Everyone is different.

I have 3 kids and 5+ grandkids. Let her alone to make her own friends. Not everyone NEEDS someone to play with. Some children love to be "loners" and are fine by themselves.

My 8 yr old grandson has been labeled "autistic" by the school because they claim he did not want to be around other children and is "socially dysfunctional" in their eyes. Gee, he is an only child, VERY intelligent and loves to be around adults. He has NO clue he is only 8 and has never been treated like a baby. If you have a room full of people, he will walk up, shake hands and introduce himself to every adult in the room and bypass the kids. There is not a shy bone in his body. He will tell you about volcanoes, the Titanic, rocks, sharks, planets etc.. Show him a picture of something and he can make the item in Legos and hand it to you. He loves to draw. He is SO intelligent above his years and because he does not want to play with the other kids, he has been labelled and pigeon- holed. He is independently "self entertaining" and content by himself.

Let your daughter be herself. Down the road, if she has one GOOD friend, she is lucky, but it is a friend SHE chose.

i liked friends that liked the same activities as me. dolls, playing house, etc. let her pick the friends that come over. at 5 she should have some friends at school (unless she isnt in school yet). i say let her find her way with friends. if she only has one friend or none at all that is a problem and needs to be addressed.i was shocked to find out a friends daughter, age 9, only had one friend. but really once i thought about it that wasnt shocking at all. the girl is loud, rude, physical, bossy....qualities that no kid nor adult wants to be around. i have always liked one on one friendships...not groups. still do!!!

Usually before age 6 or so kids are more concerned with their own development/activities than those of other children. At about 6 or 7 they move into a more social phase. Some start earlier than others and some later. Don't push her or she will push bach. Just provide her the opportunities to make friends and she will come to it on her own time. Good luck!

Someone else already mentioned the introvert thing, but I'd encourage you to look further in to it. It's related to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, which is a personality test. If you google it, you'll find lots of info on-line.

Sometimes, the word introvert has a negative connotation, but in the world of personality types, it just means a person who recharges their emotional battery by being alone. (As opposed to an extrovert who recharges his or her battery in the company of others.)
I'm an introvert and as a result always felt like the odd one out.

Here's a great article (essay really) about introverts.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

You should check it out and consider whether or not your daughter is an introvert. If she is (and particularly if you are not), you'll be able to parent her better throughout her childhood with this better understanding of her.

If she is an introvert, then chances are, during these playdates, she's not being antisocial, she needs more time alone after school.

Good luck!

If it were me, I'd quit pushing the play dates on her. She might be very happy playing by herself when she is not at school. She has to interact socially at school, so it's not like she's missing the practice. My daugther at that age liked playing with other kids, but always prefered for it to be just me and her. She lost interest in other kids and became overwhelmed after about 30 minutes, then kind of bored. She'd go along with it until it ended, but it was clear that she prefered for them to go home. I think it exhausted her to work out the social stuff.

She's 7 now, not much time has passed but she's a different person. She always rather be with friends than with me (sniff sniff) and she's well liked and well adjusted.

Kids reach these things in their own time. Go by her clock on this one.

If, however, something seems really wrong, talk to her teacher or a couselor to see if there are any alarms going off for them.

Good luck!

Hey S.,

Relax, she's 5. You know both of my daughters still require what I call down time. School is busy and overwhelmingly active at times. Just chill out--she may also take awhile longer before she'll want to participate in other activities as well.

Good luck,
DH

This challenge will get easier for you if you can begin to look into & understand your daughter's temperament---who she is that she's always been since birth. Our temperament is fixed, like the color of our eyes. Go online and look for the three (or four, some now say) temperaments in children. If, after looking at the hallmarks of temperaments, you do not see your daughter described there---and parenting tips for guiding her---perhaps an assessment by a play therapist in your area would be a next step.

I raised my niece from age four, and she did better alone until about age 6--slow to warm up in social situations. Now, at 18, she has had for a number of years a group of good friends and now a very nice boyfriend. Family relationships are similar---a core of developed family relationships and some distance with others.

I understand. I have been working on my daughter for awhile now in this issue. She has improved, but it takes a lot of effort on my part to teach her how to behave when a friend is over.

The simplest thing that has gotten the fastest results is that if they are found being rude to a friend, guest, sibling, adult, etc., then they will be punished. I give a warning most of the time. "Don't be rude." They hear that word and know that I'm serious.

You also have to find out what they both want and give them suggestions on how to compromise. Sometimes, I think she just doesn't understand that she can be happy doing it another way. Usually, if I explain the compromise and that both can be happy, and then leave the room, they tend to work it out. Or, if they can't, then they have to come up with something else they can play. But, this has taken years of consistency to begin to work.

Your concerns are valid. You will have to be diligent at teaching her how to get along with others. You don't want her going to the other extreme either, compromising on every issue just to please someone and keep their friendship. Teach her balance. But, at this age, focus on the getting along more. But, keep in mind the other extreme. She doesn't have to give in completely most of the time, just a compromise. Even if it means doing it her friend's way for 5 minutes and then switching. Set a timer if that helps her. It's not easy, but keep working with her.

On one hand, you can be grateful that she probably won't be easily persuaded by her friends or enemies.

I was a loner child. i grew up as an only child, even though I had an older sister, she moved out really young, and so i grew up as an only child for the most part, and I preffered to play by myself. my son pretty much did too! He liked having friends over, until they messed with his toys, broke them, or mixed them up, as I had taught him to keep them neat and in catagories. Anyway, we both turned out alright. We are very selective who our friends are even to this day, i have on;y a few real friends. ( People I am really comfortable spending a lot of alone time with. I have lots of friends that are friends that we meet in groups, and don't spend a lot of alone time with. I am very social, So my point is, it's not a bad sign that she likes to play alone. It only means she has a very vivid imagination,and likes to explore it on her own! Is she a Capricorn? They like their alone time!

It sounds to me as if she has not developmentally progressed passed parallel play. That is the developmental state just before group or friend play. It is a 3-4yo style of playing where the kids are in the dame room, often playing the same thing but playing side by side, not with each other.

If she is happy not having friends over, don't torture her. Give her a few months or even until next year when she tells you she wants to go over to someone's house or have them come over.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with your daughter. Just give her time.

My mom's best friend has a daughter who is similar I think. She of course is a grown woman now but my mom's friend has told us how when her daughter was little she wouldn't want to play with friends and that sometimes her little friends would even come to the door and cry for her to come out and she wouldn't! She wanted to do her own thing. That is still how she is to this day but she is a great lady, just very independent. I have known her for years and always thought she was a little quirky or I guess particular would be a better word, she just likes things the way she likes them. She will pack off and go to Italy and going by herself is just fine by her and her home is filled with gorgeous things from around the world that she has gotten on her many travels. She is married to a great guy and seems really happy. I really like her although she is older that me and she has lots of friends as an adult. So I just throw that out to say maybe she is just a person who is a bit more solitary and independent. Of course I would watch it too if I was a parent of a child like that, but I think she is probably just fine:) Oh I was going to ask, does she ask for these playdates? Maybe wait and see who she naturally develops friendships with and try having playdates with those children. If she is picky about her things and her time she may want to choose who she shares those things with. Good luck!!

I agree with that advice. My 6yo son is like that too. It just really depends on whether or not he clicks w/ the other kid. When he does, they are attached at the hip; if not then he'd rather do his own thing.
My main advice is don't stress; your daughter is totally normal and will eventually find friends that she really loves and who love her back.

Yeah, we had similar issues. More regular playdates, slightly more beginning of playdate supervision to get them more comfortable together, and shorter playdates will help. I know some parents think their kids play together all the time at school, so they don't bother with playdates. But it's that unstructured playtime that is so important to developing friendships, creativity, all that. So, she probably just needs more exposure to it.

However- we found after trying all these ideas that despite interest on both sides, sometimes play styles really are just different. She finally got excited when it was a little girl she truly enjoyed spending time with and the two of them liked to play similar things. Amazing to see, with some girls they click immediately and with others they don't even seem to be on the same wavelength. We also found that having playdates at the park or somewhere special, and not just at home where there was maybe some anxiety over sharing, etc, upped the excitement factor all around and made for better playdates back at home later on. Good luck!