My Daughter Is Wanting to See Her Absent Father

If I were you I would try to seek counsiling first about the issue before I told her anything. If he has not tried to contact her or have anything to do with her in 7 years than he will probably just wind up upsetting her. I hope this helps but maybe if she did see him she would learn herself how he really is it is hard but she would know than. GOOD LUCK!!

Hi D.,
Well, my story kind of relates so maybe it will help...maybe not. I was adopted by my "dad" when I was 2--knew no different until my twin walked in on a conversation my aunt and mom were having after my mom left my "dad". Based on what my twin heard..we were also 7....my mom arranged a meeting with our biological father. We met him I guess a total of two or three times, and then my twin and I decided we did not want anything to do with him. He was an alcoholic and we did not want anything to do with that...yes, at 7 we came to our own conclusions without our mom bashing him or anything. Honestly, having met him and being able to make my own decision on the relationship, I am at peace with him not being in my life. I think if the environment is safe....meet in public, etc. I would go ahead and let her meet him or at least attempt....if he declines then there is nothing you can do, but at least YOU are not the one holding her back from that relationship. Could it be painful for her in its outcome? Sure, but right now she is in pain with unanswered questions and wondering. With the right boundaries and a safe environment, I would do it...for her.

K.

I had the same situation. The best advice I was given was to never talk bad about my ex to my daughter, no matter how much I hated him. And at the same time I had to be honest with her. I told my daughter that I loved her and I knew how much she wanted her dad in her life. Then I had to tell her that not all daddy's are nice people, and because of that sometimes mommy's have to get away. Most times ex-husbands use a medium to hurt the other party, and in lots of cases those medium's become our children. A lot of people would not agree wtih the honest policy, but you still have to make your child aware of dangerous situations. I also told her that she is not the only one that does not have a daddy, that way she wouldn't feel alone or handicapped. My ex made a grand entrance one day bringing his whole family and many toys with him. My daughter was walking on clouds for 1 week. Until he started not showing up after promising many times to pick her up. He even missed her birthday. Then just like that he stopped calling, and we never heard from him again. Then one day in the car she said that the last time her dad had called to pick her up, she told him she knew he was lieing and she did not like him smoking and did not want to talk to him anymore. Your ex might never come back (lucky you), but who says you can't do a better job then him at being a father? Learn a new sport together.

I don't have any first hand experience but I did want to tell you my opinion, for what it's worth.

I'd say to be really honest with her about him. If you only tell her the good then she is really going to be confused as to why he's not around. At 7 she should be old enough to have a few facts. Don't paint him as a monster but be honest. You loved him enough to marry and have a child but there were aspects about him that you relized you could not live with and that, in your opinion, would be detrimental to her and you.

She does have a right to know.

Just MHO, hope it helps.

Good morning, I was in a similar relationship long ago and took my 2 year old son and left, but I continued letting my son see his Father and I am glad I did, his Father died when he was 5 and if I had not let him see him I think my son would have grown up hating me. I suggest you try and work out some sort of supervised visits to let her see him, but would not let her go off with him or be alone with him until he has proved that he has changed and can be trusted. I guess I am curious if you talk to him or even know where he is?

Well I would have to say that is a hard one to answer. My dad died 7 years ago and I don't know how my life would of been with out him. I would begin with making sure that you ready to open that can of worms. Try to explain to your daughter that sometimes things do not work out with people and let her know that every relationship is not like the one you and you ex had. If she is aasking about him now then she will keep asking about him and you are going to have to face it now or later. Let her know you love her and that know matter the out come of what happens you will be there for her. Good luck!!!!!!!

I think telling her only the good things is the wrong way to respond. I have a five year old in the same situation. My ex was not a real nice person. I found out horrible things about him while I was pregnant. It was good when I left him. He has not seen/spoken with our daughter once. She has been questioning his absense for about two years now. I tell her it had nothing to do with her. He left because we didn't love each other any more. But, while I don't tell her exactly the horrible truth, I tell her enough so that she knows he would not be the best influence in her life. I don't want to spoil her image of her father, but at the same time, I don't paint him as a saint. That would only make her more determined to want to know him. I don't think you should tell her all of the horrible details of his violent acts...but maybe telling her that he could lose his temper and not be nice at times might help her decide not to want to see him.

While all children should be with both their parents in a perfect world..this world isnt a perfect one.As a Mom your number one prioity is to protect your child.You said that you and your ex had a violent past..then there is your answer...he is a creep not a father..when your daughter is older she can make the decision but shes too young now-

Mike(husband of K. and Father to Presley)

Dear D.,
I have never been in your situation(except for the fact that i too was in an abusive relationship) but my best friend has and we talk daily about these issues. Her Ex is finally completely absent with no child support as well. It seems to me that if i were a child and my mom said good things about my dad yet he was completely gone i would feel really bad about myself! I think she would feel better if she knew he wasn't in the picture because he wasn't a good man and you were protecting her from that because you only want her to be around good people in life. Then it becomes a way to learn how to be in the world. I think everything should sound really positive and hopeful as well so she doesn't get a bad perception about men in general. If it were me i would also say i made a mistake in choosing a father for you and i am sorry. She is old enough to understand everything and this way it isn't about her not being worthy of him coming to see her.

I wish you all the best. I admire single moms a great deal. Someday she will realize all of your sacrifices and good decisions you made for her:)