My Daughter Is 12 and Dealing with "Boys"

I'm not certain about the legal system where you live, but it should be possible to get free legal advice from a local organization and possibly free legal services. I would try to get visitation stopped for your daughter (and any other children) who are not very well supervised to my liking and their best interest. It is not worth the risk. The relationship with the dad is so very important but only if he is acting responsibly. We have to protect our children no matter what it takes.

Hello H.,

The first concern is whether or not your daughter is visiting her father as part of a custody sharing arrangement?

You need to continue trying to keep the lines of communication open with her. Whether you believe it or not your influence is really the greatest asset in your child's life.

She is very young to be receiving so much pressure from so many domineering men! Her father who keeps exposing her to these situations, groping boys who don't take no for an answer and boys pressuring her to kiss when they first meet.

Her will is simply not as strong as it needs to be right now, which is why parental protection is necessary.

She needs to know that it is her responsibility to protect her body.

It seems to me that it is alright to say that she is not emotionally ready to visit her dad, her aunt or anybody else who allows unsupervised visits with the type of boys that she is being exposed to.

The adults in the situation may think its cute that the young boys like your little girl, but they are clearly driven by a another set of morals that runs counter to your own.

Of course if you are mandated by law to allow your daughter to continue to visit your husband, I think if I were you that I would follow it up with a restraining order against the Aunt and her Boys, the ones you already got the Police involved with. That way if your daughter ends up near them you have the full power of the law to aid you in either removing your daughter from the situation or removing the boys and the Aunt from the situation.

You should outfit your daughter with a cell phone and tell her to either call or text you when she finds herself around those boys again.

You might also want to warn your husband that if your daughter becomes pregnant at the tender age of 12.5 or 13, he might as well move a Crib into the room that your daughter sleeps in because the whole lot of them will be living with him from that point on.

You can't rule out the complicity of your daughter in violating the rules the two of you agreed to. Ultimately, she has to be the one willing to stop the games from going on. She is probably very flattered that the boys like her, but in front of you she can still be viewed as your innocent baby. In that case, she's got the best of all possible worlds.

You might help her practice some tough lingo that will help to repel unwanted advances.

Remind her that the Bible says that her body is a temple that is not to be defiled. She is the caretaker of Gods Temple.

Remind her that sex is for procreating, so each act is likely to produce a child.

And if you don't want your child ingesting poisonous birth control pills at her tender age, give her some condoms and tell her that any time she finds herself about to have sex with some guy that she had better flip out the jimmies and tell him to strap it on. She may laugh and think its funny, but in the end she will think its gross and perhaps it will give her pause about having to give one to a boy.
But make her understand that if she doesn't use this she will get pregnant and have a baby and the only way to not have a baby is to not have sex.

You can also drive this point home with her Dad, by sending her over his house with a survival kit that includes Condoms, an EPT Pregnancy Test Kit and an STD informational booklet. He will get the message.

Calm down, catch your breath! This type of stuff happens our kids often find a way to do what their parents don't want them to do.

Probably what blew you away was hearing your ex-husband (talking loud) to your little girl. He knows he was wrong and he doesn't want to lose his visiting privileges. If that is the case then you have leverage in the situation.

Tell him that your daughter feels pressured by the Aunt's Boys and if he continues to insist on taking her into that situation that you will move to have his visitation restricted. Once you get your restraining orders you will be free to let him know that you have them.

Don't threaten him that you are going to get them. Don't tell your daughter that you are going to get them. Just do it and inform them afterwards. You already have a police report filed, this is the next logical step.

After that the situation is in Gods hands. You did what you could do as a parent. The child shares blood with both her father and her Aunt, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are good for your daughter.
The law does recognize the rights of the father because he shares DNA with your daughter. However you have a legal right and responsibility to protect her to the best of your ability.

Try not to let this situation consume you. Eventually your daughter will have sex with someone, the hope is that this situation will not occur until she finds someone that she wants to share the rest of her life with.

Good Luck H.!
Angie

I think lots of good ideas have been presented to you. However, I believe that kids can see hypocrisy when a parent is living with a man she is not married to and yet saying, "Don't you have sex, it is wrong....." If this is a long-term relationship, perhaps you should get married.Then your EX won't have extra ammo if you have to take him to court.

Your EX doesn't seem to have the protective instincts that most dad's have. I'd give him an ultimatum, "Any more funny business over there and you will go to court and get his visits either stopped or supervised."

Praise your daughter for being so open with you. You are doing something right for this to happen!

How rough this is for you and your daughter! She doesn't have a positive male role model and you don't have anyone to help you do the real parenting. It's a very good sign that your daughter actually talked to you about the situation, instead of going off on you and telling you to "mind your own business."

She has more than five years of having to deal with this before she can legally make her own decisions. In the meantime, you're it. I wouldn't allow her to visit that household again, for one, but the same story is likely to be repeated. I suggest you both get counseling.

I too have this situation, I do not let my children go with thier father. Your first responsibilty is for thier safety, is there a court order of visits? If not I would make it as hard as possible. Ie they are busy, enroll them in lots of activities. Maybe check to see legally what you can do. Good luck.

I'd talk to my lawyer about changing the visitation arrangement if her father thinks his daughter being groped is "cute." I wouldn't want him taking her overnight or any further than the nearest McDonald's, but I'd let him see her at my home where I could supervise.

As for boys in general, 12 is a natural age to be curious about one's sexuality, and begin exploring it a bit. I wouldn't be upset that she kissed a boy, although I would explain to her that one's cousins and other relatives are not potential dates, no matter how attractive they might be.

She needs to know that her body belongs to her and no one else. She needs to have it clear inher own head what she does and does not want done to her body, and how to make those rules stick around others who may have different ideas, especially if she has a dad who thinks that his daughter being groped by her brother is cute, and won't do anything to stop it and makes her feel guilty about it. It's no surprise that she didn't feel comfortable telling him that she had kissed a boy. Your daughter needs power - not guilt, not fear, not shame.

If you haven't talked to her about sex yet, then now would be a good time. She's obviously developing a sex drive (which is perfectly normal for her age), and needs to know what these feelings are all about, and how to handle them.
I don't know what your personal beliefs are on the subject - I taught my daughter how her body works, what sex is, how conception happens, how STD's are transmitted, why sex at her age was not a good idea, why masturbation was the best outlet for sexual energy for people her age (no risk of pregnancy or disease, you always get your climax, and your hand or toy will never be unfaithful or not in the mood), and how to use condoms and spermicide if she decided to have sex anyway.

At 12 your daughter has a whole life time to deal with boys, dating and all that goes with it.Her body may look 17, but she is still just a child. Totally dependat on you. Continue on the path you have taken. Continue to educate her on all that can happen when placed in a compromising position with boys, especially those who are much older than she. Scream for help and never be afraid to talk about what she's feeling inside. Help her to understand the meaning of sexuality and the responsibilities that goes with.

YOU are her mother, and it sounds like your ex has lost his $$%^ mind. You are 100% correct that this boy could and propably would see how much farther he could take it next time, then the next......your daughter needs to continue to feel like she can come to you with ANYTHING so you are going to have to handle this out of her earshot.
If your husband is already to blame her for any boy touching her inappopriately, then it sounds like he has the "boys will be boys" attitude, and this is how young girls get molested in families everyday. They are usually to scared to tell anybody fearing that it is their fault.
If you do not think that you can talk to your husband and get through to him, I would take it to the next step, and let my attorney know what is going on, and get him/her involved, especially since there has already been one incident last summer....you would never forgive yourself if something worse happens, and if you $##% ex does not take this seriously, then pull out the big guns and tell him you will see him in court regarding visitation.
B. H

your situation sounds very much like mine. i would stress the fact that the boy is her family and explain to her that life just doesn't work like that. i let my 12 yr old have her little boyfreind at school, but she knows not to expect it anywhere outside of school. i know it makes her feel better about herself, but she found herself in a position and came to me about it. thank goodness. the boy had broke up with her and his brother asked her out and i explained to her that you just don't do that. you don't go out with a guys family member. i feel that letting her have this little boyfreind at school right now helps me teach her the things not to do. since your daughter can confide in you, talk to her and let her know that things just don't work that way in life. and if you can get to her when she's at that house, maybe you can get her a cell phone to use in case something like that happens again. she can sneak off and call you to come get her, but make sure you document everything that happens with your ex, that way if you do want to fight this in court, you can show the judge every little thing that has happened to either of the children while in her care. that is the best advice i can give you dear. give her a cheap cell for emergencies, and document every little thing! and you having to pick her up cuz something happened looks even better for you.
personally, i wouldn't tell the father. you already know how he is going to respond, plus, that just tells your daughter that she can't trust you with what she comes and tells you. if it happens again, i would sit down with her and let her know that you are going to have a talk with him and cuz it just can't happen anymore. she needs to know that you are only trying to protect her. but before you bring the father into all of this, give her the chance to deal with it herself. if she can, it will boost her self esteem and give her the confidence to defend herself again as she gets older. teach her how to defend herself! she is at the age where she needs to start learning how. put a little trust in her after your talk. unfortunely you can not stop her from seeing her father right now. if you want to go back to court and fight him, you have to get proof first!!

I fully agree with what Amber said, especially about them being related. I would tell your ex husband about the kiss to make sure that he knows that her and her cousin shouldn't be alone together. I would also explain to your daugter that the boy she kissed is her cousin and it's ok that it happened just this once but not to let it happen again.

Good luck with everything!!

It's a lot easier to give the advice than to deal with the situation, but here's my take:

She shouldn't be visiting the dad period. You've had to file a complaint with the police because of his lack of parenting in the past, so he can't be trusted to handle any situation. If the "father" wants to spend time with her, he needs to visit her with supervision.

If he's going to get to visit unsupervised...
Talk with the "father" AND the daughter.
Tell them both she's not to be alone with a boy anywhere... ever.
If they can't abide by the rules, she doesn't visit. End of story. (I realize they could lie about it, but at least you've been clear and firm, and if a situation were to present itself in the future wherein you found out he allowed her to be alone with a boy, they'd been warned!)

As a side note... aren't those kids related??? (your daughter and the boy she kissed) Yes... it would seem that they're "removed" but if it's your ex's aunt's nephew, what is he to your ex? his cousin? (after all... your Ex is his aunt's nephew)