They did a depression screening which she scored high for potentially hurting herself. I took her to therapy because I was so surprised. We talk about everything. She told us that she is bisexual on Saturday. I'm religious and do not believe in this, but after many comments regarding this, I told her that I was concerned that sexual preference was so important to her at this time. She isn't allowed to date anyway. I gave strong argument stating that if she chose this based on all of the media that glorifies gender fluidity, it was wrong to make such a strong statement. It was my duty as her mother to clarify her state of being and inform her of the difficulties she would face if she chose to be open of her choice. She is way too young to consider relationships which are not allowed, but she was exposed to this and many other unfortunate children dealing with extreme issues that were not on our radar. Children cutting themselves and attempted suicide. My husband and I told her that our love is unconditional. If she chooses to move forward, she would have to defend her personal decision to be open about her choices and know that we would be there for support. She is also aware that she is too young to even consider dating and that She needed to be transparent with friends and that we would also need to be transparent with her friends parents.
Am I handling this in the right way to ensure that she will be supported yet make sure she is prepared to handle the cruelty of her peers?
What do you mean about being transparent to friends parents and her friends? You don't mean you think she should be outed to everyone just because she is bisexial do you? When someone chooses to come out and to whom is a very personal choice and one you should allow her to make as she feels ready. I would also be careful about calling this a choice to her, who we are sexually attracted too is not a choice, it is just the way we are wired.
How old is she, 13 years old? Someone is labeling her already? Girls like girls at this age. It is not a sexual issue. Her brain is not even fully developed until she is in her 20's. You need to be telling her about protection from getting pregnant.
I think you need to go to therapy to figure out how to talk to your child because what you told her was sooooo over the top and out of line. While her statement may or may not be true at this time its still how she is presenting herself. Tomorrow may be something else. She's trying to figure it all out and you need to let her do that.
You mentioned that your religion doesn't believe in this. Does your religion believe in loving people for who they are? Forgiving them when they disappoint you? Using religion remember that only God judges people in the end.
you don't believe that people can be bisexual?
i'm concerned that your daughter has been flagged for potential self-harm, and your focus seems to be more on her sexuality. if she's worried enough about your reaction that she's in this dark place, don't you think that some unconditional support is way more important than managing what she tells her friends?
bisexuality is about far far more than sex. your focus on who she wants to date or sleep with misses the mark by a mile.
this is her struggling to find her way as a human being, not just as a sexual one. your response to give her a 'strong argument' dismissing her feelings as simply media bias is incredibly self-centered. yes, our culture does somewhat glamorize gender fluidity but that doesn't make it not real.
how about just offering her your unconditional love and support as she sorts through this process? how about not micromanaging how she decides to handle the conversation with her friends? and for heaven's sake, stop the veiled threat to out her to her friends' parents. what the hell is up with that?
the cruelty of her peers is a consideration. don't make it worse by being cruel to her yourself.
khairete
S.
I think you seriously need to take a step back and remember that your daughter is only in 7th grade. Now, try to remember what you were like when you were in 7th grade. Did you really understand what it meant to have a crush on a boy or have a boyfriend?
When I was in 7th grade, I remember just beginning to think boys were cute. I remember having a crush a couple of times. I remember being a junior counselor going on a "date" with one of the other junior counselors (lunch at McDonald's!!!). Wow!
I don't think I fully comprehended that some people actually were gay. Words like bisexual and transgender didn't really exist. Or if they did, I was unaware.
You are absolutely right that the media, the internet, youtube, twitter, etc., have all introduced this generation to things far earlier than we were introduced. It's important to remember that your daughter is still way too young to fully comprehend any of this, much less know her own sexual identity!
Your job, is to calm down! Listen to her. Be supportive. Love her. Know in your mind that this is only the beginning. She has many years of friendships and relationships and so much to learn about herself. She doesn't need you to freakout and tell her that she's not allowed to date and that if she decides to "chooses" this she has to be transparent with her friends and with their parents.
Telling her she's not allowed to date is a huge mistake for a few reasons. First, she's probably not even interesting in dating. She's hormonal and going through all kinds of changes and feeling that she may not fit in and just trying to figure things out. Basically, she's a typical 12 year old. Second, it makes dating "forbidden fruit," which can honestly make it more attractive. Finally, it tells her that she should want to date, which she probably doesn't actually want to do, and causes her to think that something is wrong with her for not wanting to date. Telling her that she is not allowed to date is honestly just adding fuel to the fire.
This isn't a choice she is making. It isn't as if she's seriously thinking to herself, "Hm, I could decide to be attracted to boys, or I could decide to be attracted to girls. Hm, I can't choose, so I guess I'll just be bisexual." It doesn't work that way. If you are attracted to people of the opposite sex, the idea of being with someone of the same sex is not at all appealing. It works the same way if you are attracted to members of the same sex. The idea of being with someone of the opposite sex just doesn't do it for you. This isn't a choice, and it's cruel to try to scare her into thinking it is.
If she is bisexual, why on earth would she have to be transparent with all of her friends and with their parents? Are you afraid she's going to hit on all the females that she knows? Did you hit on every guy you knew growing up?
Growing up is hard enough. Junior high is a difficult age. Your daughter does not need you to respond this way. You are only making it worse. Please just love her! She really just needs you to love her!
So your daughter is depressed and she finally told you she was bi-sexual and you're concerned that she has been duped by the media?
Please understand the courage it took for her to tell you and you basically invalidated her feelings. Why would you give strong arguments? Talk about being transparent to friends and their parents? Stop! You want her to be supported yet make sure she is prepared to handle the cruelty of her peers? What about her parents?
Just love and support her. Let her be. You can't change who she is but you can accept.
I guess there's no way of saying this nicely and yes, I realize it may come across as offensive, but I am a very blunt person. If you ridiculed her courage in opening up to you about her sexuality as being a "media influenced choice" as if she's some sort of brainwashed sheep, well, no wonder she is depressed. I'd be depressed too if my mother put down my sexual preferences as if I am too dumb to make choices for myself and my feelings have no validity. That is disrespectful to her. Parents are supposed to love and support their child unconditionally and if my parents did the opposite and judged me, I'd be miserable and feeling pretty worthless.
I also don't understand why she NEEDS to tell her friends about her sexuality, much less why YOU need to tell their parents. It's no one's business. Respect her privacy. She may just find some guys and some girls attractive, and that is her concept of bisexuality, it doesn't have to mean she has experimented sexually with both genders. If you think peers ostracize kids in her situation, imagine how bad it must be for your own parents to ostracize you too. Where can she find love and acceptance, free of judgment if everyone is bullying her for being different? Please calm down. I suggest family counseling to deal with this since your tolerance for your own child seems to be clouded by religious judgment.
Why would you tell her to be transparent with her friends? You don't have the right to tell her she's got to tell anyone. And it really is not your place to tell her friends parents. Your demands could cause her to go into a bigger depression if she's not ready to be open to everyone. Be thankful she told you.
ETA: There is no bullying or shaming on this post. A question was posted which solicits opinions. Just because opinions are not what you are wanting to hear does not make it bullying or shaming.
I feel bad for any child who is going through what the child in the post and one response is going through. You don't OWN your children, they have a right to be who they are and parents should not be forcing their own beliefs on a child.
God help us all.
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Oh My God. It too SO much courage for her to come to you and you slough off her feelings as being induced by the media?
She needs you more than anything right now and YOU need to get yourself in to talk to a counselor so YOU can learn how to communicate with her and SHOW her that you love her unconditionally.
She owes you NO explanations of how she feels sexually and when she chose to share something with you... you did this? I feel so freaking bad for her right now. She needed you to love her, not condemn her. No wonder she is depressed.
Geesh...
I think you need counseling. Your daughter sounds a though she is well grounded and knows who she is and has accepted herself just the way she is. You on the other hand are so confused and completely misled by religious dogma you will cause severe harm to your daughter, you need learn more about teen depression and the difference between suicide and cutting and depression. Her depression could very easily be caused by the fact that you as her mother do not love her enough to accept her as she is.
Most tweens and teens now days are very accepting of various sexual orientations. It's the parents who are judgmental.
I am sorry if this seems harsh. I truly don't mean to be harsh or cruel. But saying you are very religious and then judging her for her choice is a conflict of reasoning. The truly religious are able to accept and love everyone for who they are without judgment.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you support her for who she is no matter what. Tell her you want her to be happy. She does not have to run around telling people her sexuality. Do you, or did you, have to bother telling people you are heterosexual? She can be as open or as private as she wishes and you are there to support her and help her have the tools she will need. ALL kids her age need this support and guidance; not just bisexual ones. Drop the media nonsense. Think about how hard this would have been for you to come to your parents with at this age. You need to focus on HER feelings and HER well-being. You started out with concern for her depression screening then dropped that for her sexual preference. This is a much higher priority than whether she likes boys or girls right now. I understand and respect that you are religious, but don't allow this to make you alienate or lose your child.
My opinion is you do not give her lectures or strong arguments. You simply support her. You tell her you love her exactly as she is...no matter what. If she is gay or bisexual or asexual or straight...that it doesn't matter to you and you love and support her. You don't say she is too young. Or you are concerned about sexual preference being important to her at this time. Or give any kind of counter argument. I would get her in to a good therapist who can help her stay strong and not become depressed. Make sure it it is a LGBQ friendly therapist. PS - Do you have any gay or bisexual friends? We are good friends with three different gay couples and see them at dinner parties/kid events/school functions. I think it's important for your daughter to see that gay/bisexual people are just like any other people and you can live a totally normal life. It is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. It doesn't need to be considered strange or taboo. These friends of ours are parents and are totally normal people.
Ok first of all, I don’t know any middle schooler that isn’t bisexual. They are trying to figure out who they are. Second you say you support her but give a list of things you said to her to try to talk her out of it. If you are going to be supportive that means no negative comments just go with it. Honestly I feel sorry for your daughter she told you this which means she trusts you (well used to) and all you did was tell her how bad of an idea that is. And no she doesn’t have to tell anyone her sexual preference do you walk in to a room and say hi I’m M. and I’m straight???? No. Get a grip. Focus on the depression that’s way more serious than who she’s attracted to
I think it's great you and she went to therapy for her depression.
She said she was bisexual. Keep in mind that a lot of kids at this age are still figuring stuff out. Sexual orientation is not a choice - but she may be struggling with how she feels.
I don't get what you mean by "if she chose this based on all of the media that glorifies gender fluidity". Are you referring to being transgender?
I don't think it is your duty "as her mother to clarify her state of being". Great advice I took away from this site - we are not responsible for our children in that way.
I agree she is too young to date. I don't think she has to come out (being transparent as you say) or why that is her friends' parents' business at this point in time.
I think you can let all that go at this time. Back off - give her some space. That's pretty heavy for right now.
Just love her unconditionally as you say - great position to have, and take the pressure off. That would be my advice :)
I get what you mean when you say that the media glorifies this. Now it as cool to be transgender as it is to have your bangs a different color than the rest of your hair - and treated by this age group with about the same amount of seriousness (largely, there are those who simply "know" by this age). In the middle/jr. high here, it is basically just a way to stand out, be cool, do something different.
At this point, I think I'd treat this the same way that I'd treat wanting her bangs a different color than her hair - with love and support, but not getting really deep in the whys or the lifetime ramifications. I think when kids at this age feel "different" from their peers, they struggle to put a label on it like bi-sexual or gender fluid. Later, they realize that they felt just like the rest of kids their age and are struggling to find their identity in the world and then some of the more mature decisions start to blossom out of that.
When my oldest was in like 10th grade, she declared she was bi-sexual (she is 30 now and engaged to a guy). It was a time that she was struggling with who she was generally and strong female celebrities were coming out as gay. I just said "ok, I'm going to love you no matter who you love, and if you love them, I will love them, too." It was important for her to hear my acceptance of her no matter what.
I don't have a lot of experience with this, but I will tell you that I am a school bus driver & where we live it is "cool" to be bisexual in Middle School. Most by the time they reach High School have decided that maybe that is not the case so much. She is very young. Just give her time to figure it out on her own. Support & love is exactly what she needs.
Wow!.which is more important? Your child or your beliefs? Do you believe that God wants you to reject your daughter inthis way? God is about love. People learn best when they feel loved and respected. You can tell yourdaughter that you believe God wants us to be a certain way. Of f course you're scared. Tell her you are shocked and worried. Tell her you"d prefer she was straight. Then tell her how she thinks and acts is between her and God.
Realize that the Bible stories show that God is loving and gentle. No where does he hurt those who come to him even tho that person is a sinner. He does not judge them. He says "judge not that you will be judged.
Do you have a church home whose members face life with love? A pastor may be able to help you with how to love in this situation. How to accept your daughter even tho you're worried about her.
I have experienced sccepting and loving a transgendered granddaughter. She has lived with me for 3 years because her parents were angry. It is a very difficult thing to accept. Two years later they have accepted them as transgender, tho they still don't understand. With counseling, her mother was able to let go of feeling her child who was a daughter at birth, betrayed.herself and her mother. My daughter learned how to show unconditional love. She never brings up transgender.issues. All of us are sad and mourn the loss of.that.little girl. We know they face a life more difficult life because they are judged. Gay, bi, lesbian, transgender people commit suicides.than other groups. If gender was a choice they would not choose it.
BTW, gender is not about sex. It's about how their brain is wired, how they feel. I don't understand how people feel gender differently than the gender in which they were born. It"s very complicated. Life.is getting more complicated every year. We have to change along with it if we want to be happy. One can still worship God.
I've not thought of bi as a gender issue. They remain the same gender as they were at birth. I don"t understand why being attracted to both sexes has the same stigma as those who want to change their gender. Newspapers, magazines, and talk has not created gender issues. They reports what is happening. At first, I blamed the news for making it popular. It's.popular because a lot of people are now aware that they feel different and are now talking about it.
My grandchild has attempted suicide twice. Their autistic brother made a couple of suicide gestures. Being different is difficult and not a choice. Just as my grandchild did not choose Aspergers, my other grandchild did not choose to be transgender.
I know the pain of not wanting to live. I was an adult and made an appointment with a psychiatrist instead of dying. Kids need help to get into therapy; Not to change them. Therapy to know they are worthwhile even tho they feel different. Your daughter needs your help. Not your judgement. You love her. Focus on love. Show her love by finding s way to accept her as she is even tho you think what she's saying is wrong. Let go of your need to judge her. Let God change her if it"s His will.
Hug your daughter often. Praise her often. Tell her you know she will figure out who she is; that you'll be there for her no matter what she fèels. Empathize/sympathize with her. Fake it til you make it. I hope that your daughter's safety is more important than how she feels.
What you and your husband think probably means more to her than her peers. She needs her family to be fully supportive. No religion or funny ideals are going to change who she is, or help matters. Being gay or bisexual is part of someone, it's what they are born. It's not a choice. Everyone should accept them for who they are, fully. Otherwise, it causes problems for them and between those who don't respect that, fully. If my child was gay, or bisexual, it wouldn't change him at all in my eyes. I would just want him to be happy.
I'm just trying to wrap my head around what my reaction would have been had any of my sons school friends ever told me such a thing.
There's such a thing as being true to yourself and not needing to plaster the news on a billboard.
In the meantime - since she has potential to consider sexual relations with any gender (hopefully she'll wait till she's legally old enough) - I'm thinking over nights would not be allowed for her at your house and anywhere else.
Family therapy might be a good move for all of you.
I'm confused by your question. Because of your religious views, you don't believe that adolescents can be or should be bisexual? I'm not an expert, only a parent, but I don't think that an individual needs to be dating to determine their sexual preference. You can still be attracted to others, without dating them. It is good that she went to therapy and it is great that she talks to you about everything. So are you worried about her mistreatment by her peers if she identifies as bi- or are you worried about your own response? It sounds like you might also benefit from counseling. Best, S. E.
