My Daughter Caught Things....

12 is a funny age and no matter how close you are, she still might not bring it up. I would just be honest and and keep it light, "Soooo, you walked in my room last night without knocking and caught your dad and me getting (intimate, cozy, having sex, whatever you can say). Then let her know that if you would have caught your parents, you would feel creepy and you bet that she does too. Tell her it's natural for married people to have sex and to knock from now on. I wouldn't jump immediately into the sex talk unless she has questions. It may be too much for one 12 year old girl to take....I am a therapist and a mom and believe me, she is creeped out more than anything, but laugh it off and how wonderful that you have 4 daughters and a husband for 12 years and still WANT to have sex! Kudos to you....

these things happen -- so first thing, you calm down. You don't worry too much. You answer her questions honestly. Not in deep detail, but honestly. You make her feel loved and safe.

My husband and I have been "caught" several times. In fact, we had one child who would get ready for school, then come to our room in the dark and sit on our bed and talk to us. And half of those mornings, she would interrupt sex, and we wouldn't even separate. We were under the covers, and we just stayed in a "hugging position" and talked with her until it was time for her to go out and wait for the bus.

Remember that it was dark in your room, so what she saw and what you imagined she saw are two different things. She's probably also had some sex education at school. But there are things they don't tell you (at least my teens told me that 2 weeeks ago when we were talking about it, and it gave me a chance to fill in some blanks for them). It's also a great time to let he rknow that yes, you enjoy it, and also that it's most enjoyable if you wait until you find the right person. That there are so many many relational issues to getting to know a person, that it's best not to be doing it while in your teens, and not until you know the person very very well and know he's worth your whole life and will protect your life. (in our family, that would be marriage, but you stick with your values if they are different.)

Also, as I recall, one of my teenaged friends in high school walked in on her parents. It embarrassed her, but she was kind of proud to know her parents still "did it". (And, yeah, she told us all !) :-)

Take care. Don't panic. Wait and see what happens, what comes up, and did she really know what she was seeing. ??

You have all great advice here! Once you open communication, if she wants to drop it, keep the mood light and say, "I don't blame you! It's normal for us to all feel funny about it-you'll laugh about it one day! I saw my parents once and I know how you feel...If you want to talk, I'm here." sort of thing.

I've heard all kinds of funny stories from friends about catching parents when they were young. She's OK! One of my friends had 6 brothers and sisters, a randy dad, and a tiny house! They heard their parents and walked in on them in the living room or kitchen when they thought no one was home etc ALL the TIME and made fun of them and yelled NOT AGAIN! They still make fun of them! Life is so weird! Good luck!

First of all, it's okay...you haven't scarred her for life (even though I'm sure you are absolutely mortified).

I'd take a light approach this morning and sa something like, " Wow, on a scale of one to ten of weirdness I bet seeing us like that was a twelve!" or maybe, "I tried putting myself in your shoes and the words I came up with were 'embarrassing', 'icky'..do you have any you've come up with?" This opens the door for conversation, and she will be able to name her feelings. Tell her that it always grossed you out to imagine your parents having sex, even though you knew it was perfectly normal and healthy, so she must be pretty freaked out. Keep it light but sincere, and listen to her feelings..don't minimize them or brush them off. She may be too embarrassed to talk about it, which is okay, but just having an open attitude about it will invite conversation when she is ready.

It's okay, Mom...she'll be okay (I neglected to include the story of when my son found...umm.."equipment"...I thought he'd need therapy for the rest of his life...he's okay, though) :)

I would follow her lead on this O. as far as a discussion. I'll just bet she'll knock next time! You will all laugh about this O. day! :-)

T., we also have gotten caught. The opportunity to speak to our children about true love was wonderful. We explained that 2 people who love each other take it to the next level by making love. That it is completely natural, private and special. It becomes disgusting when 2 people don't love each other,when one feels forced to do it, when one gets paid to have sex and when someone is not emotionally or physically ready.We tend to describe making love as just that it involves love. Sex is when there is no love involved. We also informed them that there are risks involved such as pregnancy so if you don't want to have a baby no matter what form of protection you are using, then don't do it. Another risk is STD's, thus unless you know how many partners the one you are with had (for a fact) or truly love that person, don't do it. But when the time and person are right it is beautiful. Answer her questions honestly and simply. Keep all lines of communication open. Reinforce knocking before entering your bedroom. If possible, lock your door.

Don't fret it. Take this time to have the sex talk with her if you haven't already. You are married and that's what us married folk do, she may not like it, but it is the facts. She probably knows more than you give her credit for, and is probably more embarrassed than you. Most importantly - be honest with her if she has questions.
If she doesn;t say anything just make a comment. "honey, I know that you saw us making love last night, and it is natural for married couples to do that. That is why we shut our door. Please knock or call out next time"
If she shys away from the subject - just let it drop, but most of all don't be embarrased by it, she'll think she'll have to hide her feelings form you and you want her to be able to talk to you about sex when she's ready.

My 16 year old doesn't like to hear anything about us having sex, but has taken her vow of purity, mostly in part to all the talks we have had. It is an open subject in our house. I was a teenage parent when my hubby and I got married (just celebrated our 30th anniversary in February), and we have always had an open agenda with our girls about sex. It is the best way, I have even talked to my firends kids who now have boy/girl firends about keeping it zipped and shut. Uncomfortable for the kids a little - but makes them think. My daughter 16 is very strong in her beliefs, and has been best friends with the same guy for 5 years. He knows how she feels about sex, that it is something marreid folks do, and he understands. My 29 year old is working 2 jobs, single and doesn't have any kids.

at 12 your daughter knows whats up!but at 12 would prob just like to forget it..

first are you sure she saw? She probably knows about life already. I have a 12 yr old son who is informed and though he would not want to witness his parents, he knows it goes on. Start with small talk saying did you need something last night when you came into our room? Then at the end of your discussion, talk about closed door privacy, and the importance of knocking first. If she did really see, then tell her it is natural for two people in love to express it in the privacy of their room. Answer any of her questions honestly. She will get over it before you will.

I agree with Terri. At 12 years old, she knows what is going on (even if you haven't spoken with her yet, they learn things). But, if you haven't had The Talk yet, now is certainly a good time!

I remember walking up to my parent's doorway, seeing that the door was cracked open a little and the light was on, and seeing my parents in an intimate moment. I didn't understand what I saw at the time, backed away quietly, and went back to my room. My parents didn't know that I'd ever seen anything. I was somewhere around 9 years old. That I remember it so vividly tells me that it made a definite impression on me. That I never talked to my parents about it says more about the nature of our relationship than anything else.

I remember one of my young teens walking in on my ex-husband and myself once. I honestly don't remember which one. Anyway, I remember how embarrassed I was, but felt I needed to talk about it with that child. In the morning, the child was clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable as well. She was, for some reason, sitting on the top of the stairwell and I sat down beside her on the top of the stairs and said to the her, "Is there anything you need to talk to me about?"

She immediately said, "No!"

Then I said, "I'll answer any questions you have, but if you don't want to talk about it, that is fine, too. I just want you to know that I love your dad very much, and he loves me, and sex is one way married people express their love for each other."

Then she said, "I don't want to talk about it."

And I hugged her and said, "Okay, I love you." and I got up and went downstairs.

I don't remember it ever happening again, and I think that child must have warned the others about knocking at the door, even in the middle of the night, and we were much more careful about making sure we LOCKED the door from then on.

I think that its wonderful that you and your husband are still sweethearts, and at the end of the day, that you love each other should give your child more confidence and security than anything else. Yeah, it might skeev her out a little, as it is uncomfortable to think of your parents as anything but parents. But, I think if you approach it honestly and without apology (after all, you were in your own bed at 1:30 in the morning) it will work out.

Hope that helps,
L.

I have walked in on my mom and her boyfriend a couple of times. I was a little older. Just never thought that i would see it happening. But my mom and i have left it be and didn't say anything to each other.

I have had my kids walk in on us and they where either to young to understand, or we where covered and able to kick them back out of the room.

Let her come to you and just keep the commucations open between the two of you.

Who cares?? Don't be mortified. Sex is a part of life. At least she didn't catch you in bed with the mail man.

Our then 8 year old caught us in the shower last summer. My husband "supposedly" locked the door. Apparently, he didn't do such a good job locking it. I went and talked to my son afterwards. Granted he is a little younger then your daughter so I didn't get into the nitty gritty. But I was honest with him too. Sometimes Mommies and Daddies shower together/need time alone etc. He was okay with that answer.

Sex is not a bad thing. If she has any questions, answer them. Sex is part of a loving relationship and kids need to see that.

PS I am also pregnant with my 3rd baby at 39. You should see my son trying to wrap his mind around that! lol

Hi T.,

Don't say anything. Let her bring it up. She will eventually. That is her consequence for walking in on you without knocking.

I hope you taught her to knock before she comes into your bedroom before now.

Hope this helps. D.