My Child Is a Bully and Having Regression Issues

Hello L.: Being the mother of 4 and the foster mother of many. I have seen this over my years as a parent. I know that y ou are at wits end and most likely so are the children. Having therapists in our family I know they encouraged me NOT to go for professional help but to start looking within our own home for solutions. I sat them all down and explained the problem (they already knew and had ideas of their own) and explained that we were all being punished by the actions of a few. No one wanted them to play with for fear of what wouldhappen. I took everything away Except what I wanted them to do. If the older child was instigating the situation then they paid the price for everyone but I had to be sure they really were the problem first. I made sure that they were so busy pulling weeds,picking up garbage in the neighborhood, playing with one another, I even had the boys digging a hole to reach China once( we planted a tree in the hole) and the girls baked cookies for every family in the neighborhood, and they got to help every elderly family in the block to do what needed done at their house . None of it was hard to do and even my three year old was involved. It was more keeping them so busy they really had no desire to cause problems. Have you considered putting up a punching bag? It helped our foster children a lot to work out their feelings by hitting that instead of each other or someone at school.
I also would pull each child aside and whisper in their ears alone that I loved and appreciated them for the things they do right and that we were a great family because of them. None of this fixed things over night and once we had to empty the bedroom of a child of all but the bed and dresser to get the message across, but we learned that most children just want parents to have firm boundries and know what they are.
Other people do not have to accept their behavior, attitude, or excuses and like you said you are hearing about it. I know that I have been blessed to have my children tell me I ws the strictest mom on the planet & other parents were so much easier on their kids; but that they knew right from wrong and that I made them pay the price for their choices. Good luck and I will be thinking of you . Keep us posted on how it is going.
I also found several great books by Dr. James Dobson, that can be found at any bookstore or the library that were so encouraging and got me through several situations. Nana G.

I agree with the earlier posts, but also wanted to add you may be able to have him evaluated at the Kaiser in Richmond if the other suggestions don't work. I personally wouldn't recommend medication, but if there is a real problem that therapy could help with, an evaluation would be good.
My daughter was evaluated for ADHD at the Kaiser in Richmond, so I'm thinking they might be able to help since you mentioned Kaiser. I didn't put her on medication as they recommended, but having a clear diagnosis helped a great deal in working towards compassion and solutions. One of which was 2 years of counseling. Mind you she was 9 not 4, and had been through a lot (poor kid.)
Hopefully, this is just situational, and with extra doses of love, compassion, and positive reinforcement on top of the discipline, he will do better soon.

I have a book I just love that I cannot imagine you would not also find helpful. It is called Parenting through Love and Logic. I do not recall the author at the moment but I did just see a new and expanded edition at Borders a few days ago - it had a bright orange cover. If you are interested, write me back and I will get you the author as well as another book I found comforting, about dealing with 6 year olds (they can be quite challenging too!)
Sorry but it's late and I am not sure exactly where it is right now - have read it cover to cover several times!
If nothing else the right books will help you see you are not alone and also help you to be more understanding with them - as well as give you tremendous tools (skills) in dealing with the undesireable behavior. Trust me, you will all be happier and calmer in NO time flat. Bye the way, the "tools" they teach you are simply calm, effective communication skills. Tone and delivery are important.
The trick is thinking on the spot rather than getting caught up in the heat of the chaos - which is so easy to do!
You must be willing to follow through and let the consequence do the teaching - the less said the better.
If you get this book, I am excited for you - your current struggles will become nearly effortless.
Again, I have one more I really like.....write back, I just cannot think of it this minute.
Good luck ~
T.

Have you spoken to your son's physician? There is terrific family team in the Walnut Creek and Martinez Kaiser Mental Health facilities. Call and make an appointment without your child for an intake. You and his father need to be extremely consistant with your family rules and discipline.
Have you spoken to the school district psychologist? The school districts are by state law required to assist with educational and developmental concerns begining at age 3 years. Good luck!!!

As one mom mentioned, try having special time with him. Don't talk to him about the baby and how he should be nice to it, just let him know you are doing something special with him, and then have fun with him.

As far as him being a bully at school, did that just start up with the baby as well? Maybe you should take him out of preschool if you can for now -- he probably just doesn't want to be there and wants time with you.

When our youngest was born our oldest started acting out like this. We took him to a child psychologist (I can't remember name), but she recommended having "special time" with the older one. This meant that dad had to take care of baby when he came home so mom could have one on one time, uninterrupted, for 15 minutes (set on an egg timer). Explain that mom misses all the special time you had before baby, and wants to spend "just you special time each day." You do whatever the child wants (read, play ball, etc.). If your older child stirs things up, you should try this with him too. Dad should try to do something like this each day, or at least on the weekends. The problems resolved themselves in a couple of weeks, and the special time wasn't needed every day, and worked its way down to a couple times a week. We never did stop it, it just moved to bed time/nap time. Good luck.