My Best Friend Dilemma

If you feel that your BFF is judging you or critical of the "new you" than it may be best to move on.

Before you do that though, make sure that is really the case and not that you are projecting your insecurities on her. I know when I do something that makes me feel guilty or wrong, every whispered conversation I hear I feel is about me, though I know that it probably isn't.

Best friends are supposed to love you unconditionally or at least be supportive of you to help you change things about yourself that may not be healthy or conducive to a happy life. If you are sure that your BFF is being critical or judgemental of you, then it is probably time to move on. Good luck!

To have been friends as long as you have means you have both gone through lots of changes and remained friends.
This is probably not the time to decide to end the friendship, but you may have to let her know you need some space right now.
Hopefully you are getting the guidance of a professional to deal with the tragedy you have been through.
good luck and God bless.

Well, for me anyway, without knowing a little more about your infraction, I can't give a great answer.

Could it be, and I'm speaking about my own perceived flaws, that you feel she has a sense of judgment about you, but its your own judgment about yourself? I really don't know your situation, but I'm thinking that when I discover something new about myself, some I like, some I don't, I'm much more sensitive to the knew information. I purposely stated "perceived flaws" because, of course not know what you mean, our "flaws" can also be a strength.

I can't imagine that you wouldn't be different. And it is very difficult for people, everyone, wrapped up in their own lives, and I do mean all of us, to take the time to understand that the person you were even just a few months ago many not the person you are now. This can happen even when there is not a traumatic experience involved.

You may need to educate her about your own sensitivity, feeling like your grappling with who you are now, if you haven't already. You're probably no where near "mended" and I hope you know that is okay. I'm wondering if other relationships in your life have changed as well.

I'm wondering if a letter to her could help, esp with what you told us regarding valuing the relationship, keeping the focus on yourself and what you are currently experiencing. You will get more information regarding her feelings about you once you gain more clarity about you... if that makes any sense: )

The thing to remember about life long friends is that she'll probably love the new you just as much as she loved the old you. But, you have to learn to love yourself again and it sounds like you're on your way. Your accident sounds tragic and I'm glad you've gotten help.

When you do speak deeply with her, let her know that YOU don't feel up to her standards anymore, that YOU feel you have flaws she hasn't liked in others and that it concerns (frightens?) you. She probably has no idea about this and is likely confused. But, as her friend, wouldn't you agree that it's for HER to decide if she doesn't like the new you? Is it fair for you to make that decision for her?

I have a very dear friend who, for years, made decisions that I thought were bizarre, irrational and, sometimes, downright dangerous. While I kept some distance, I did try to keep those lines of communication open. I'm so glad I did because now our friendship is better than ever. She makes sense to me again. And when she doesn't make sense, I just love her more.

We all go through life changing events, some more deeply changing than others. But that doesn't mean we stop loving our true friends. It just means our relationship moves to a different level.

Good luck, dear mama.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. Talking with a counselor is a good idea if the feelings are overwhelming right now. As for your friend I would say to her you need some space to work on your own emotional stuff and don't have the extra energy to put into the friendship right now. If she is a good friend of many years she will hopefully understand.
I have a best friend of 25+ years and we have been through many ups and downs over the years. At one point she was in therapy and dealing with a lot of emotional issues and she said she didn't want to be friends...it lasted almost 6 months but eventually we were able to rebuild our friendship. She needed to go through a difficult emotional process to get to a better place (she is much happier now).

In the end a real friend will love you for who you are, even if you have changed. A friend of mine got married, we are not huge fans of the guy she married (the were on and off so many times over 3 years that we could not count on 3 sets of hands the times they broke up and got back together)... well we are all still friends, we are there for each other and supporting each other. If something happens, which we really hope for her sake never happens, but if it does we will be there for her. No 'I told you so' or 'well we warned you' just loving embrace and support in whatever way we can.

Recently I heard someone say that it is better to find the good quilaities in people, even the people you dislike, because then it will help you over see a qaulity you are not fond of. To me friends really need to do this for each other. Now it is some thing that is hurting themselves and others verbally or physically then of course you/friend should mention it.

So I guess it depends on these "flaws" that your friend is pick/pointing out. If she simple does not like it and can not get past them well it may be best to tell her that these things will not change and that you can not have negative feedback at this point in your life. If these flaws are something that turelly are not healthy or you are focusing too much on them maybe she is just trying to show you that. It really is hard to say if these are "flaws" that a friend needs to over look (change in apperance, different healthy way of life, all changes that a friend just needs to get over) or if they are something to be concerned about (addicted to drugs, always mean, depressed... these are things a friend would be concerned about and want to help you in whatever way that is healthiest for you).

Hi Mama
To be totally honest with you if she is a true friend then the friendship will survive you developing and changing as a person. We all develope psychologically,emotionally ,spiritually etc as we get older. This would have happened with or without the accident.
So maybe the accident and the impact it had on you is not the cause of your friendship changing. Maybe your friendship would have faded anyway.
From experience I am no longer friends with my then "best friend" I had for years. I realised theat we no longer had anything in common since I got married. The friendship had a certain purpose when I was younger ( we were party friends). When I was no longer available to go flirt with guys and wanted our friendship to one where we met at each others houses etc things turned nasty. It was so stressful being friends with her and I was so relieved that the friendship ended. Looking back now it was coming for a long time. I outgrew her. There is also one or two women in my circle that I can see myself fading away from. It is painful but I remind myself this is normal and will not remain in friendships out of obligation,nostalgia etc.
Then there are some women in my life where I can see myself being friends with for life. The friendships have an easy flow and honesty and I don't have to pretend to be anything that I am no longer. These friendships I will nurture and cherish.
Wishing you the best
B. k

I'm not entirely clear on your question, but it is clear that you are hurting and that seems understandable. I would venture to say that your friend is feeling angry and hurt as well, whether justified or not, that's what it seems to me. Maybe she's angry for you about the accident. Maybe she blames you but knows she shouldn't and that affects how she treats you. Maybe she's sad b/c she misses you and she doesn't know how to get you back. It seems she's really trying to stick by you and maybe she doesn't know what else to do.

I would say this...if your friendship means that much to you and you want to see if you can still have a relationship then I would take her to counseling with you, assuming that you are going to counseling. It seems that maybe you are and if you're not, well, maybe you should be. I think it's good that you are identifying the changes you see in yourself and mapping out how you want your life to be from here on out. I get that it's kind of selfish for your friend to be thinking about herself at a time like this, but honestly, she might not know what else to do. If you aren't letting her in, then she's left to her own imagination about what you feel, what you want and what you're thinking...and sometimes that's worse than the reality.

Hugs to you as I'm sure this is very hard. I applaud you for getting help and although I don't know anything more about your accident than you've listed here, it sounds traumatic and I wish you peace.