My Back Talking Preschooler

It can be such a hard age!!! They want to be independant, but don't really have all of the skills yet to cope with making descisions and dealing with change.
When my son was at that age I would try and preempt by explaining the things I knew would set him off ahead of time. If dessert is always an issue, have a chart for what nights of the week you will be having dessert ahead of time.
Is she actually kicking you, or just saying she will? If she is just saying it, I would leave off the "if you do kick then..." portion, as it is starting a battle of the wills. I would just repeat, "I am sorry that you feel that way (to whatever -no dessert, playing outside, getting to ride the fire truck that just drove by), but we can not do that right now." I have found that if you can be consistant with the response again, and again, kids realize that mom is not going to give in. I know, it is HARD!!! My son used to ask for things and got so excited if I said "maybe", as he knew he had a shot at getting it. Because once I said "No", I would not change my mind, even if I wanted to. One of my favorite sayings at that age was, "no is no is no". Now (he is 13) if he asks for something and I say no and his friends tell him to ask again or ask why, he just says" my mom said no, so it is no". It sunk in!! So now I just need to keep the same convictions with my two babies!
Also I would try and get dad to spend some one on one time with her when he can. She may not realize consiously that she is missing him, but it may be part of teh reason she is acting out more.
Best of luck!!!!
K.

hi C.! my goodness your daughter sounds a lot like my 5- (almost 6 ) year-old niece. some days my sister doesn't know what to do with her. i would say that it sounds like your daughter needs a calm, almost ignoring-type response to her back-talk. by forcibly carrying her to her room (and continuing the dialogue with her) you are giving her attention for her bad behavior. When she says crazy things like kicking for no dessert, say "no" once and then ignore her. I would not take it to the realm of the physical at all.

JMHO.

Best,

S. (mom to a 16-month-old, involved auntie to 5 and 2 year olds.)

Firstly, you should acklowledge that type of behavior is NOT appropriate for her age. Continuing in dialog after you've said no to something encourages this behavior. No means no and that's it. Don't continue to play into the conversation. If she even threatens to get physically violent, put her in her room If she thrashes and cries so be it. Some kids have a lot of aggression. Buy one of those stand-up punching bags and let her go nuts on it. Just don't give her attention for that kind of behavior. Negative attention breeds bad behavior.

You are doing exactly what your supposed to do. Good job! Being consistent is the best thing, Your daughter will realize that you are not going to budge if you stay consistant. My son is now 7 and we are now through with that stage but I found taking things away for back talking not just what she is threatening to do worked for me. I always took away the "favorite" toy of the week for 2 days and he knew that if he back talked during that time that I added additional days onto keeping it. Eventually she will get the idea that back talked and talking nasty gets you know where. I also took away an activity that he really liked, like going to the park or out to dinner. Hope this helps, Good Luck.
J.

C.,
you sure do have your hands full. One thing that helped us a bit was the 1,2,3 magic program. We got the videos from the library and if you follow it correctly it can really work. Basically what it does is keep you from getting into a back and forth argument with your child. the first time she talks back, for example when she said she'd kick you, you just say "that's one" and if she says something back again, "that's two" and again "that's three - take five" and she has to go to her room. Yes it will take a little bit before she realizes she's not going to get her way by talking like that but it's worth a try. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to stay reasonable and unemotional when she is talking like that but I think in your situation it will work. Good luck,
maybe you will get some better advice.

It seems like your daughter is trying to communicate something with you and can't. She seems very frustrated that you don't know what she wants/needs and that's why she might be taking it out on you. Try to get down to her level (physically)...lay down with her, sit on the floor with her...then tell her that when she kicks you it hurts and it makes you sad...(also, talk at her level so she could understand) just tell her that if she needs something or needs to tell you something that you have to work on it together without yelling, taking her toys away (ask if she likes it when you take her toys away) tell her you don't like taking them away and you don't like becoming "Monster Mommy" that you would rather wait until she could sit down calmly and talk with you....maybe, she wants just "Mommy time." set up a reward system that when she can talk to you correctly she'll get to read a book with you or go to the park....maybe, a walk around the block....But, I was there...also, watch Nanny 911 or Super Nanny. Got a lot of great ideas from that. Check your local listings to see when it's on.

Good luck...K.

I'd like to second the suggestion of 1,2,3 Magic! It worked wonders with my 3 year old.

IT keeps you from being drawn down into arguments with your little one (while in the back of your mind you're wondering, why am I arguing with someone who still poops in his pants??!?!?!).

It's a really great system....check the book out from your library!

Hi. First, I want to tell you that I feel your pain. My husband and I have three kids and each have such different personalities. Anyhow, there are some things in your letter that I identify with and so chose to respond.

First, you have a pretty self confident young lady on your hands (that's a great sign of your parenting considering the low self esteem of so many of our young women today). Once your five year old has announced to you what she plans to do if she doesn't get her way, chances are that she truly believes you will cave and give in to whatever her demands are. In parenting the quest is never to prove who has more power (since as parents you already do) it is more in teaching how to deal with the way that she's feeling about what it is that she wants. Given your example: once she's declared she wants dessert and that she would kick you if she didn't receive it, all bets are off once she's decided to inflict pain to get what she wants. When I say all bets are off, I don't care how much she cries or howls it's all bets are off and let her know that she made the choice for tonight not you. She chose this path that you obviously don't teach her. Here's the thing, communication is our best tool, there is also such a thing as too much communication. Once she's told you what her plan was, you have the power to end the conversation. I am not sure that I would engage in a back & forth dialogue with her as to what will happen next. I think it's great that you shared with her how you all do not kick to get your way nor do you inflict any other type of harm to people you love. Tonights conversation is now over and maybe tomorrow after supper if you are more respectful, we will have dessert (you can even pick what you'd like it to be). Tonight, your behavior did not earn dessert. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Because here's the thing. At some point our children have to take ownership for how they behave. Not everything they do is a direct reflection of you (good or bad).

ps. After you've put her in the room and she wants to return, my husband and I would be in bed with all lights out. It's bed time now and Mom and Dad have to take time out for themselves too. She will be upset but it's temporary and you have to establish a respect value for her to realize she can't say and do to you what she wants to at any given time. You're her mom and she loves you. She just wants to try out this cool confidence factor she's got going on and it's your job to help her put it into perspective.