My Almost 4-Yr Old Son Still Does the Following... Is This Normal?

Updated on April 24, 2011
C.L. asks from Littleton, CO
29 answers

He is aware that he has to use the potty but still does his business (both #1 and #2) in the pull up. Every morning I have to take him to the potty which he protests sometimes. Then there is the teeth brushing - I have to do it for him because he refuses to do it himself. And he still asks to be fed at home (which I stil do feed him because I want him to get the nutrients he needs). I don't want to raise a child who is so dependent on others and I think these are the basic things little childrent should learn to do.

Is this normal? Am I expecting too much??

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your replies! Immediately I put a stop to it and put underwear ('big boy pants') on him and he has not had an accident since! I am so proud!! He is also 'learning' to brush his teeth by himself... and I have put a stop to feeding as well!

I think it is all about my own behavior - I want to enable him to be independent. Thanks fellow moms!

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M.B.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I babied my now 5 yr old for wayyyy too long and it has had terrible consequences. He doesn't believe in himself or that he can do things on his own. He also has terrible seperation anxiety. I've been working over the past 6 mos to fix what I've done...but it's been hard. Kindergarten starts soon and I'm worried he'll struggle.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Three year olds are learning a lot and it can be overwhelming - for them and for you. Hence the terrible 3's.
A lot of the time it's 2 steps forward 1 step back.
Try working on one area at a time.
My son would brush his teeth and then I'd have a go at it otherwise they wouldn't be clean enough to prevent cavities.
But he was practicing and eventually he got better.
And it's not true that 4 yr olds need no/zero/zip prompting for successful pottying. As they play, they get too busy to notice they have to go and accidents happen - often into kindergarten. Not for every kid but it's common for a lot of them.
Have some patience, keep working at it and it will get better.
They grow up fast enough.
No stage lasts very long.

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N.G.

answers from Dallas on

No, it's not normal, and I'm sorry to be harsh, but I have ZERO patience for these things. I have two daughters and when they start to do stuff like that, it's for attention, period. I do not tolerate it. If they don't brush their teeth like they are supposed to (and at 4, he is fully capable of doing it with only SOME assistance), that's cause for punishment. The potty thing is a bit more sensitive but if he's doing it for attention (which I suspect he is based solely on what you are describing here), I'd give 'em a swift spankin' and tell them that that type of behavior will NOT be tolerated. It only takes once for them to realize you mean business.

good luck!

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

I think your son is old enough to feed himself and brush his teeth. He doesn't do it because he knows you will do it for him.
Not all 4 year olds do the best job at brushing, but they can give it a pretty good go.

I took care of a little boy who learned to walk at my house. His mother didn't believe me. He never even tried to take a step at home. Then again, why would he? He was carried everywhere. One day when she thought he was napping, she caught him walking around in his room.
She was still bringing him to me in a diaper at 4 years old. I told her he didn't use diapers anymore. She didn't believe me because he went in his diapers at home and was still being layed down and changed like a baby. She put a diaper on him every day before taking him home even though he had used the potty at my house all day just like the other kids. She even asked me why all the diapers she sent for him were still in his diaper bag.
He didn't talk much at home. He pointed at something and they gave it to him. I didn't pretend to read his mind. Pointing at the refrigerator meant he wanted something, fine, but there were a thousand things in the refrigerator. I didn't stand there taking one thing out at a time.
My point is, there comes a time when a child will do things for themself if you foster the notion that they can do it.
Your son is used to you doing things for him in the end. That's just how it works in his world. He has no clue if it's normal or not, or even cares at this point.
If you don't want your child to be so dependent, you have to let him figure out that he can do things on his own.
I know some parents have a difficult time with potty training. It's just my opinion, and I mean no offense to anyone, that pull-ups are absolutely no different than a diaper and counterproductive.
As far as taking him to the potty in the morning, so what if he protests? It's not a punishment. Everybody goes to the potty in the morning. Everybody. Everybody goes to the potty all day long. It's the way of the world.
Your child will not starve if you don't feed him. Give him a plate with food on it, a fork and a spoon, and let him feed himself. If he doesn't want to, fine. Take his plate away when you are finished eating your food and try at the next meal time. Don't worry he's not getting nutrients and offer him all kinds of other things throughout the day. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner.
Provide these things at regular and consistent intervals. Let him "feed" himself.
His teeth won't rot out of his head if he doesn't brush his teeth perfectly for a couple of days. If he won't do it at all, then he can lose a privelege, like TV time, until he realises that attempting to brush his teeth by himself isn't worth the struggle.
Like I said, I think he's just used to you doing things for him. It will take some time, but he can get used to things being the other way too. He will come to like being praised for doing a good job and trying. He will come to like feeling good about doing things for himself.
Little kids are quite capable if we let them be.

Best wishes.

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J.K.

answers from Sacramento on

It is normal for him because you do it for him. By age four, unless there are some extenuating circumstances, your son should be feeding himself, using the potty without prompts and brushing his own teeth. ( You should be brushing his teeth after him to make sure that they are being brushed well. His fine motor probably isn't mature enough to brush his teeth as well as they need to be.)

At four he should also be able to take his shoes on and off, jacket on and off, wash his own hands and drink from a regular cup. You can google this and see what he "should" be doing at his age to get a better idea.

(With just the little bit of info you've provided here), what you're describing sounds behavioral, and I would work on corrected it asap.

Good Luck~

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

No-you are expecting too little. By doing all of this for him you are enabling him. Of COURSE he is not going to do any of this if someone is doing it for him. He needs to start developing some independence. Start by NOT feeding him. At four he is way too old to be fed. Stop using a pull up in the day. And make him brush his teeth but you do it after him to make sure they are clean.

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

I think your son has YOU trained. ;-) He's not doing any of the things he should be doing because you break down and do it for him. As for toilet training: no more Pull Ups. As of today he's done. Nothing but underwear. Take him to the store and let him pick out a package with whichever characters he wants in his size and inform him that he no longer gets Pull Ups at all. Not even at night.

It's time to remove the safety nets, Mom. Wing it. He'll be fine and so will you.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Normal! He's only three! Don't make the mistake of thinking if you baby him now (while he's still a baby) that will make him overly dependent.

That is uniquely Western and wrong thinking. Babying him now and filling that part of him that needs to be nurtured will give him a strong, confident, happy inner core.

Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Go ahead and baby that baby. You will miss it when he's a confident, independent teen who's not interested in hanging out with mom any more.

My kids are grown, I work with teens, I know this for a fact.

Edit: One thing I have noticed on this site, is that moms feel like they need to be stricter with their kids when they are babies (through about age 6, in my books), than when they are older. Maybe that's because the majority of you still have youngsters. That's really backwards. Pre-6 or 7 years old is the time to really baby them.

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H.A.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow, really interesting to read some of the replies here.

My daughter is 3 1/2 and she potty trained early (but very slowly, like over 6 months, no pressure or drama) and has fed herself for a long time (she likes to be in control :). But we still brush her teeth and she's regressed in the dressing herself and being in the bathroom by herself (she wants someone to accompany her) since her baby brother was born 6 months ago.

I'd say two things. One, I've noticed our daughter WANTS us to help her put on her shoes because she has a hard time with transitions (when we are leaving the house) and she wants to feel cared for. When I tried to force her to do it herself we had horrible fights. When I realized she needed some reassurance and helped her, she was really appreciative and seemed to see it as a sign I still wanted to take car of her. In our case she is reacting to watching us do EVERYTHING for her baby brother. I'd be careful not to force your son to do things himself too quickly. You can encourage him and show you you believe in him, and give him room to make mistakes and come up with his own way of doing things.

Oh my goodness, I've forgotten the second thing I was going to write! (am breastfeeding and typing at the same time, can't keep a though in my head!) Anyway, I'd look at your situation and see if you might be controlling things a bit too much. Let him make messes and learn some confidence. But don't force him to do things just because others his age are doing them.

And about feeding them, if he is hungry he'll eat. You don't need to feed him, and don't worry about him getting the exact balance of nutrition in one day. If you offer a good range if foods over a week he'll be fine. Don't offer junk and he'll have no choice but to eat well. Do it gradually, and gently, but I think having him feed himself would be he easiest place to start since he's sure to be hungry so will want to give it a try!

Good luck! And go easy on him and yourself. :)

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E.B.

answers from Denver on

I tend to categorize things. Some behaviors are normal and acceptable, some are normal but NOT acceptable, some are not normal. Your son seems to be in the "normal but not acceptable" category, in my opinion.

About the teeth brushing, you may have to bring him to a dentist (having informed the dentist beforehand that your son will not brush his own teeth). Have the dentist teach him, and set up a challenge or program for him, and have the dentist help him to become accountable for his own teeth brushing. Most caring pediatric dentists will know how to encourage a reluctant brusher.

And the food: do NOT make a big deal of it. Don't over-do it on the praise. This is a routine task that he is physically capable of doing. Simply set his food down at his place, have your own meal and chat pleasantly with him. If he protests or whines or screams, remove him from the table and invite him back when he calms down. Don't let him see you stressing.

The potty might mean you have to remove some rewards. He can't go to the playground because he can't use the potty like a big boy. He can't go to a water park this summer. You need to use the "currency" that he can value.

If you remove your help and your presence and your interaction from these dependent behaviors and instead give him your attention when he's acting in an appropriate way, he will gravitate towards the new desired behaviors. Say "you brushed your teeth and used the bathroom, so now Mommy has time to take you to feed the ducks [or go to the park or whatever]". Say "Mommy had to take you to the potty and feed you and brush your teeth so there is no time for watching our favorite tv show today". Make him see the benefits of acting appropriately. Right now he acts like a baby and gets Mommy's attention for every routine action during the day.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Normal. Yes.

Some kids take more easily to the self help behaviors.

I think you might have to start pull ups only at night to get the potty training nailed down though.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

You may have to go the route of staying home, putting him in cloth undies and dealing with the mess for a few days til he stops going in his pants instead. Pull ups, IMO, are just a different kind of diaper and a lot of kids get lazy.

The other thing with the food business is if he can feed himself and does so somewhere else, then he's capable. He is unlikely to starve if he has food set out for him and you tell him he's a big boy and can do it himself. Sure, cut it up, but don't fight with him about every little bite. We give my DD something she will eat, something she might eat, and something we don't know if she'll eat. Last night's dinner included crescent rolls, asparagus and ham. She loved the rolls and the ham, didn't try the asparagus (but it was on her plate) and ate strawberries instead. I think it's not a skill thing, but a control thing. Just don't ply him with snacks all day if he doesn't eat his regular meals. For us, DD has breakfast, a mid-morning snack IF she's hungry (usually fruit), lunch, a late afternoon snack (maybe crackers and cheese) dinner and a small something before bed. If she doesn't eat great at one meal, it's likely she'll eat more at another and I just don't worry about it as long as the offerings are mostly in the "good food" category.

Until they are six or seven, children should have parents follow up on their brushing, but I'd encourage him to try on his own sometimes.

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S.L.

answers from New York on

I think you know the answer to your questions. Are other four year olds potty trained? -YES prob 100% in other countries and 90% in US Do other moms spoon feed their three year olds? NO! Can your son dress himself (not perfectly, things may be backwards, shoes on wrong feet) Can he color or scribble with a crayon? Is he learning to cut with children's scissors? Can he express his needs and wants? If he is behind in other areas, Have him evaluated. Most kids want to express their independence. He may be developing normally but just want to compete with the younger children in the house. Does he have younger siblings? If so this is a ploy to compete for Mommy's attention. Give him lots of attention at other times, Find the time to sit him on your lap and read or talk, get the little ones to bed earlier and have time with your "big boy" he has to be shown that being the oldest is an advantage not a disadvantage (less of mommy's time) After you have ways to give him one on one attention in positive ways, start putting the food in front of him and walking away. If he doesn't eat, he will not starve! malnutrition is the result of MONTHS and months of a poor diet, not weeks. and a multi vitamin will take the place of a good diet for a while, so just dont worry about his diet for the next two months. Have a party to CELEBRATE him being out of pull ups and able to dress himself, and buy him some really cute underwear in his favorite pattern Diego or Dinosaurs or race cars etc. and buy some boring white ones to put on when he wets the cute ones. ( and Expect him to wet them. Give No Attention for the accidents, ask him to take them off and put the in the washer and put on a new pair. (if you need to teach him to dress himself before you get rid of Pull Ups then do that first. Personally I take turns brushing my son's teeth, asking do you want to go first or should I go first ? so I know they are well brushed but he is learning how to do it. Again, if you see other signs he is developmentally behind have an evaluation so he can get help from an OT ASAP and get ready for kindergarten. If you cannot let him grow up then see a family counselor and ask for expert advise, he or she will help you take the steps to get your son ready for school in another year and a quarter!

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M.T.

answers from New York on

You aren't expecting too much, you're doing too much for him. Get rid of the pullups - they aren't underwear, they are a disposable diaper. If you want him out of diapers, put him in underwear. If you know that he is aware of when he has to go but just doesn't bother, at 4 I'd punish for choosing to go in his pants. At 4, it's time to ditch the potty and pullups, and use underwear and the toilet. I would not feed him. Put him at the table, set his food in front of him and he eats. He won't go hungry for long. Say no. Tell him clearly that feeding is for babies. 4 year olds don't get fed. In a year, he'll be going to kindergarten where no one will feed him, remind him to use the bathroom or even tie his shoes for him. Time for some age appropriate independence, whether he wants it or not. It's okay to be authoratative and take the lead mom! I do not believe in giving rewards for expected behavior, and a 4 year old is different than a just turned 2 who is experimenting with the potty. Also, past about age 3, I never helped with tooth brushing except to check that they were doing a thorough job and my kids have NEVER had a cavity (they are 11 and 15 now)

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K.M.

answers from Chicago on

I think he needs some help in the self help skills department .. my son is a bit behind on that too. You may want to have the local school district do an overall evaluation of his current progress they may catch something else you have not yet and depending on what is or is not going on they may be able to help.

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N.P.

answers from San Francisco on

Undies in the day, messes or not, and pullups only to save the bed from accidents at night. My kid is 4 but I'm going to keep brushing her dang teeth until she's seven. I let her do her teeth for about a minute, then I take the brush and do a thorough job, that way she gets practice and a feel for it but it still gets done properly. We don't have any dental insurance right now so can't afford any cavities!

My daughter can feed herself just fine but when she's overtired, I'll help her if dinner is taking a particularly long time because she's pooping out.

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C.M.

answers from New York on

Until he gets the potty traing down to a science, pull ups are your best option. Try it at night only, and see how that works. As far as tooth brushing, maybe you can get him an electric toothbrush of his favorite character. He will probably be happy to brush after that! Self feeding can be a challenge. Try to feed him with his hand on the spoon as well. I did that with my son for every meal for about 2 weeks. Now at 14 months, he is feeding himself. He gets upset if I try and help him. Lol. Have patience with him. He will be more independent when given the opportunity. Good luck!

E.S.

answers from Dayton on

I never really used Pull-ups because I think they send the wrong message.
But my very smart, fairly independent DD didn't potty train till she was 3.5. And everyone says it takes boys longer...so I wouldn't be terribly concerned.
Maybe just get away from pull-ups, because to his mind-he is in a diaper and you go potty IN a diaper!

As far as the teeth brushing goes...I read in some book or something (sorry, can't remember) that mom/dad should be brushing kiddos teeth till they are SIX; because then they will be able to do it and do a good job.
We've had some cavities already so you can bet I am still brushing my 5.5 yo.'s teeth.

At this point I would not worry too much.
HTH! :)

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A.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi. =). You are definitely not expecting too much. =). It is not unusual for a child to continue to go into his/her "diaper" as it is much more convenient... =).. Try putting him in underwear and make sure you have extra clothes around... He just may begin to get really uncomfortable with his wet clothes... and move on from going in his pants. As for the other things--those are hard as you know and feel as a parent that teethbrushing and proper nutrition are huge... If you are interested--there is a book called "parenting with love and logic" by Fay. I have been a teacher for a long time and originally purchased their teaching book for the classroom. This book reminds us what is our problem as parents, and what should actually be the child's problem. (for example: if you don't eat--you will be hungry--).. Have faith! =).. You are doing the right thing by teaching him he needs to do these things by himself.

G.K.

answers from San Francisco on

I agree; I think your son has you trained. The behavior he's learned will continue until you put your foot down and tell him no more. In my opinion, you are not expecting enough. As long as there's no developmental issues identified by your pediatrician, you need to take back your position as "parent."

I have a 4.5yo and a 17mo, and they both feed themselves (except for yogurt or something similar for my 17mo), even rice, refried beans, corn, etc. My 17mo isn't real good with a spoon yet, but she uses her fingers or a fork. Both have been doing so since they were less than a year.

Teeth brushing is a little different. My 4.5yo brushes his own teeth, but only because his dentist has said that he's doing a really good job. I check them every once in a while just to make sure, and I still floss for him because he's tried and gets too frustrated. The jury is still out on my 17mo, who we have just recently started brushing with.

Potty training for every kid is different, and is a very touchy subject for most. Boys on average day-train around 38 months, which your son is way beyond. I would do underwear during the day for sure, but I'll let you know what I did with my son. When he was 38 months, I told him that when his diapers run out, he was going to have to wear underwear and use the potty like a big boy. Training up to that point had been sporadic because my daughter was 6wks old (this was at Christmas). President's Day proved to be the day of truth. He knew what it meant when I told him that we were putting his last diaper on, and when we caught him trying to poop in his diaper a little while later, we immediately put him on the potty. He sat that for about 30 minutes, crying and carrying on, but we didn't relent. He finally had no choice but to poop in the potty, and when it splashed his butt, he thought it was hysterical! We've had a couple accidents over the last 14 months, but for the most part, that's all it took.

He still wears a Pull-up at night but he wakes dry 99 times out of 100, and when this bag runs out, we'll be trying underwear at night. If he slept in his own bed, I would've pushed it by now, but he sleeps with us, and we don't have a mattress pad (which I know I should just get one) and a really good mattress. In fact, the only 2 accidents he's ever had at night have been in that bed!!!

I'm a big proponent of doing what's right for your family, but in this instance, I think you should be expecting more of him. You don't have to be mean about it, but I think you should be firm in your beliefs and actions, otherwise, he'll see the slightly opening and know that you won't follow through.

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M.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Every child is different so you will get opinions from those of us who have been there - doesn't mean we are right. The potty issue - if he is wearing pull ups then he will go in pull ups. Potty training is "training" you and he both have to take part in it. Put him in underwear, remind him often to go use the potty - not "do you need to go potty" but "do you want to go potty in your bathroom or my bathroom" (choices). I highly recommend The No Cry Potty Solution Book by Elizabeth Pantley - quick, informative read that will guarentee you both have success. My son potty trained right at 3, my daughter was 4. Feeding him? I would definetly encourage him to feed himself. Self feeding for most happens before the age of 1 (for fun and to get used to using utensils and all). He should be able to use them by now and drink from a cup w/out a lid (he will still spill on occasion, that's OK). Teeth - I would floss any teeth touching (he may not have any that are yet, but check the back teeth) and brush for him at least once daily, have him do the other brushing. You should still be a part of this. My son who just turned 6 is really good at flossing and brushing, but up until two weeks ago, I made sure I did at least one of the cleanings during the day.

Hope this helps.

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A.S.

answers from San Diego on

Sounds like you need a chart with all the things that he should be doing posted on it. If he does those things by himself he gets a sticker. If he doesn't no sticker. Then at the end of the week, depending on the stickers that he gets, he gets to choose a toy. A little matchbox car, a page of stickers, whatever. I think once you make it fun, or give him a goal to work towards he might enjoy it. Also have you tried the toothbrish that spins and times 2 min brishing time. They say that's the recommended time for brushing, also there is a mouthwash which he might be too young for, that shows all that stuff that's still on the teeth after brushing, there might even be chewable tablets you can ask the dentist about that does the same thing.

As far as the pottty training thing goes, put on some real underwear then the pull-ups, see if that might deter him from going in his pants. The underwear will feel kinda nasty to him and he might want to use the bathroom after that. Try cheerios or something in the toilet that he can sink when going pee. When going poop sit him on the toilet and blow bubbles at him while he tries. This might make him more comfortable and less stressed out on going poop in the toilet. Some kids get stressed out about that. Once you make a game out of everything he might be more inclined to try it out. Especially when he gets a sticker that shows what a big boy he is.

Feeding, hmm maybe you should do smaller peices so that he can put them in his mouth easier from a fork. either that or make finger foods and make it fun to get his fingers dirty once in a while. It might take some time but ease him in to all of these things slowly as it seems he is a sensitive child and needs a little bit more cuddling. He might change his eating habits once he sees that he gets a sticker for the other things, you could work that into his sticker schedule as well. It's a great tool for learning as well as teaching there are consequences to not doing things as well.

Good Luck and don't get stressed out, he will get it.

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S.G.

answers from Jacksonville on

I don't think it is completely normal for him to behave this way and I don't think it is good for you to give in to him either. Stop with the pull ups and only put underwear on him. He is old enough to know when he needs to use the bathroom. If he has an accident, make him change and clean himself. Don't ask him if he needs to use the bathroom, tell him to use the bathroom. Teethbrushing-let him do it first and then you get to follow up. Even if it's just him brushing, it's better than nothing at all and he won't learn how to do it himself if he doesn't try. Eating-stop feeding him. If he refuses, he goes hungry PERIOD! He is 4 yrs old, no one is going to feed him at daycare, pre school or elementary school! No child will starve themselves either and they will go days without what seems like anything and then there will be days you can't keep enough food in front of them. Just give him healthy options and leave him up to his own choice.

You aren't expecting too much of him but to me you aren't helping him with being able to do these things for himself either because you do it for him. I hope I'm not coming off as harsh but he can't learn and grow if mommy is always right there doing it for him.

Good luck
S.

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K.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

Are you feeding him - as in giving him food? Or feeding him as in putting the food into his mouth? If you're putting food into his mouth, then no, that is not normal. Unfortunately, it appears there is a power struggle going on. I think you should sit down with him and tell him from now on, he has to feed himself and give him food he likes and cut into small pieces. Give him a fork, don't worry about the mess, and give him time. If he balks, he won't starve, b/c you can give him a snack, and then try again at the next meal. You're the adult here, you have the power.

Tell him he's going to have to start brushing his teeth. Watch him, encourage him, but don't do it. Don't forget the tongue!

Potty training is hard. I had a cousin whose son took it on as his power thing and wasn't poopy trained until he was 6. But he also regularily deficated on the living room floor to "show her". Your son may fight it, but if you're consistent and take him to the bathroom when he wakes up, before you go into the car, before nap, etc. He'll get the message. Don't wait for him to tell you - he won't.

Are there other adults who can help and give you some guidelines? I know the teachers at my kids' school have been great b/c they work to teach independence and sometimes tell me "oh, we're not using sippy cups anymore" so I switch at home to be consistent (they were only 1 year old!).

Just to tell you where I'm at -- I have a 6 year old and 2 year old boy. The two year old (almost three) is in preschool 3 days a week so there are other adults to help but he's (and all the other kids) have been feeding himself since he was 1 (finger food). He drinks out of a big cup, feeds himself and he uses a butter knife to practice cutting food. He wears underwear during the day since he's trained as are many kids in his class and he'd almost trained at night. I often remind him to go, but he can go by himself (pull down his pants, up, wash his hands, etc. He also gets himself dressed). Granted, it wasn't hard b/c he could watch his older brother, but my older son was fully day trained by 3 and night trained by 3 3/4. And they both brush their teeth. Okay, so I know this sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm just trying to show that other boys are doing this skills and your son can too, with a little help.

Is he independent at other things? Does his ride a bike with training wheels? Does he feel confident about other things he does? Does he visit with other kids? Often seeing his peers doing things acts as a motivator. You don't want such a dependent child. I'm sure he's perfectly normal, but you're enabling him and need to cut it out! He can do it!! And he needs to see that you trust him to do it himself. It builds self esteem and future skills. If you're worried about nutrition, only give him healthy food and talk to your pediatrician. I was told that over the course of a day, most kids eat what they need, if given the right foods. So he many not each a veggie at every meal. Do you? I don't! It just gets balanced over time.

Good luck and believe in your son!! Teach him independence and you're creating a good man. :-)

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S.C.

answers from Milwaukee on

I would check with your pediatrician for sure, but no, I don't think it's normal. Like another mom said, he has you trained.

My daughter knew she had the power over if she went in her pants or the toilet. Finally, the daycare teacher made her clean up herself w/ no help from the teacher. She never did it again. I would end the pullups. Now. And if he messes, let HIM clean it up.

I brush my daughter's teeth (she's 5) because I want them done well. However, if I'm busy I will tell her to do it. She can do it, I just do it so it's done right. I should have her do them first and then me do a quick brush.

He doesn't feed himself = He doesn't eat. Trust me, he won't starve.

Sit him down and explain he is a big boy and he is now going to start doing these things for himself. And then stick to it!!

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with the answers that you need to get rid of the pullups and have him start feeding himself (and if he gets hungry, he will go hungry until he does decide to feed himself). But one thing I wanted to add: As you make these changes, take it one thing at a time! If you say one day, "Today you will wear underwear, and soil yourself if you poop or pee in it; today you also will have to lift your own fork and spoon or you'll be hungry; today you will brush your teeth if we have to stand in the bathroom for an hour to get it done" -- that will make him wild with frustration. Figure out which you want to tackle first and tackle that one only or both you and he will be screaming, teary messes by the end of day one. Be sure to "set him up for success" and praise him a LOT for doing things on his own. I would start with potty training, if it were me, and maybe gradually introduce the idea of eating at least part of his food himself - you feed him some as he's used to, then make it a game to see how much HE can feed himself from what's left on the plate.

You might want to have him evaluated for developmental problems IF you feel he is not really capable of toileting and feeding himself, but first see if you can end the cycle of total dependency he has. But keep it positive, positive, positive, with reward charts and consistent, non-punshment consequences (if he messes up his clothes, he helps you clean them, etc.). If he thinks you're punishing him constantly he will be even more resistant to change.

As someone else noted -- he is close to kindergarten age, so these things need to be dealt with now. But don't try to do it all simultaneously or he will not succeed and will regress and expect even more babying.

Finally -- you don't mention if there are any changes or stresses in your home, like a new baby, a new stepchild, tension between adults, etc., and you don't mention if he has ever been in preschool or day care (though most preschools or day cares would frankly not accept a child this old who was not potty trained and who would not eat even a snack on his own). If there are things like stresses or home situations that could be making him want so much to be babied, you may need to find a counselor to help deal with those. Good luck and be sure you get support and help from other adults in your home.

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B.R.

answers from Sacramento on

Unless he has some sort of developmental issue that's causing him to do this, it sounds like he's playing you. You say you feed him because you want him to get his nutrients. That's the one item that clues me in that he's playing you. I'm going to give you the same scenario that my younger brother gave the older brother and his wife many years ago. The older brother had a son who, at about the age of your son, was going potty, but would take off all of his clothing to do so, then bring the clothing to his parents to put them on him. Observing this, and knowing the boy was starting kindergarten in about two months, my younger brother posed the question "what is the teacher going to do when he goes to the bathroom and comes carrying his clothing out in front of a classroom of kids asking her to dress him?" So ... my question to you is, how is your child going to survive in Kindergarten if you don't help him get these basic skills down now? This is probably going to mean you'll have some battles with him because it's much easier to learn in the first place than to unlearn the unacceptable habits and re-learn the acceptable ones.
Don't feed him. He won't starve. And don't let him just eat whenever he decides to. Have set times to eat. Three meals and two snacks. I think at first you need to make these times pretty much consistent, but once he's learned to eat on his own, you may be able to move ...say lunch.. by a half hour or an hour on one day because of circumstances.
Take him to the potty despite his protests. Keep on doing it until he gets the message. Get rid of the pull-up!!!!! Again that Kindergarten scenario pops to my mind and I don't think you or he wants that!
Teeth brushing... well... I'm not sure what to say about that one. The kids I care for all think getting to brush their own teeth is a treat! But you do need to work on him doing that on his own too.

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C.P.

answers from Provo on

I work on a special needs school bus and on the first day the kids are so scared and hanging on mom or dad and this goes on until the first IEP that they have with the teacher. The teacher tell them that they need to teach the child independence. These children are special needs preschoolers and once they are not given the option to have everything done for them then the whole world opens up for them. They get really excited when they learn to do things by themselves. The parents are usually crying because they are so happy! My biggest parenting philosophy is teaching independence from a young age. Some kids are more of the following type and less of the leading type but they learn really fast once they realize that they need to do it themselves or it's not going to get done. I set a timer for my son to brush his teeth and then I look over them and if needed we will do it together. I refused to feed my kids past two. Only minimal help past one. My kids are far from perfect but we do the unperfect thing by ourselves!! He needs to gain self-esteem and taking pride in the things that he does is a great way.

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J.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

This is my experience.

Four is old enough to be at least trying to potty train. My boys both trained right before their third birthdays. Drop the pull ups. Use underwear. Be ready to have accidents, not get angry, and move forward.

Four is old enough to start brushing teeth. In our house we have "You start I finish" as the rule. Our dentist recommended assisting with brushing until age 7 or 8 to make sure they do a good job.

Four year old children feed themselves. That seems to be the biggest problem. My kids started self feeding at 10 months...

Jessica

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