My 9-Year Old Daughter Is Out of Control!

I have heard that when a child is doing that to you for you to hold them, tightly, while sitting on the floor and rock them.

Maybe make her write on a ruled piece of paper that she will not treat you this way. Have her write it all day as a punishment. This worked when my daughter was lying a lot. She hated it!

You're not going to like this advice and probably won't take it, but you need to remove the boyfriend from the situation. Your daughter is entering a critical time of her life - and if you think things are bad now, wait until she actually hits puberty! Your boyfriend and your children should not be spending any time together. If you want to go out on dates with him, you should leave the children with a sitter. But your children have been without a father for over seven years and have probably had to deal with the fall-out from your relationships since that time. This means that they have relied on YOU to be both mom and dad (two full time jobs) for all this time. Now, you're bringing yet another person into the situation and you are focusing time, attention and energy on this person who has no legal or biological ties to these children. Of COURSE your daughter is flipping out. And she knows full good and well that when you tell her that this guy isn't going to "take her place" in your heart that it isn't true - she can see that she is getting less attention from you because you're busy talking to him on the phone, spending time with him, etc. So, how is she able to get attention from the new honey? She goes ballistic. NOW she has your undivided attention. NOW she doesn't feel so neglected.

I know this isn't a popular position to take, because we live in a very selfish, fast-food society and we want what we want when we want it - and the idea of making a sacrifice is overshadowed by the attitude: What about ME? What about MY happiness? But the simple fact is that you will be her mother forever and how you parent her today will be reflected in who she is in 20 years.

Given the rate of divorce for FIRST marriages, let alone second marriages, there is about a 75% chance that you aren't going to remember what this "wonderful man" looks like in 20 years. I would really ask that you remember this when you are forced to decided between your daughter and your boyfriend.

Yes, I've been in a similar situation. I adopted my daughter when she was 6 and she was full of anger and did not want to be my daughter. I was her 5th foster placement in 1 year. She did warm up to my boyfriend. I think in part it was because he was a warm caring person who did not get upset when she acted out. My boyfriend and I did not live together and only saw each other a few times a week. When he was with us, my daughter was his focus. He talked with her about how she felt. He listened to her a lot. We went on walks, to the park, to the mall together which was a good time for him to show his love. Frequently he carried her on his shoulders.

Your situation is different in that your children have always had you and now it feels like you love your boyfriend more than them. I know you don't but that is how they feel.

They have good reason to be frightened. This is the 4th man who might walk out just like the other 3 did. In your daughter's mind you have not protected her from this pain.

No doubt their anger and your frustration with your daughter's hitting and kicking has resulted in you being angry. I suspect that the two of you share angry words before the hitting starts. It was that way with me. Yes, my daughter also hit and kicked me.

We were in counseling and I strongly recommend that you and your daughter start with counseling. It sounds like the anger has taken over your lives. If you don't have insurance that will cover it there are clinics that charge on a sliding scale. If you go to church your pastor is a good person to go to.

Here are some suggestions that you could try.
Find a way to control your own anger. If you are angry don't talk. Never argue.

Spend time alone with your children without having your boyfriend present. He could watch TV if he lives with you. Bedtime routine is good for this. Take 30 minutes at least to be with your kids while they are winding down for bed. Play a quiet game or help them with getting into their jammies. My grandaughter who is 7 still likes to have me put her jammies on when I'm there. Tuck them in, read a story. Hug them and in a quiet loving voice say "goodnight. I love you." Make this time pleasant. It's a time for showing love.

This will be difficult at first. If this is a new routine it will take awhile for them to trust you to continue doing it. And your daughter will probably be angry with you. Just keep working on it.

Find a way to spend time alone with the kids every week doing what they are interested in doing.

Make a plan with your daughter for how both of you can better control your anger. Tell her how you feel and listen, really listen to how she feels and accept those feelings, even the angry ones. Tell her it is OK to be angry but not to hit and kick.

When my grandchildren get wound up in a certain way I know that anger will be next. I send them to their rooms to calm down. It's not punishment! It's a tool to use to learn how to control your emotions. Tell them this. Sometimes when you're angry send yourself to your room. Time in the room is private. No one comes in unless they're invited and no one comes out until they're calm.

You and your daughter could work together to find ways that help her to calm down. Perhaps she likes music or writing. My daughter wrote a beautiful poem when she was 10 or 11 about how anger comes barreling down the track at her like a train. Perhaps you could help your daughter make a cozy place for herself in her room. She can go there anytime and it's available for cool downs. Give her something special from you to her that shows love. You could even shop together for it. A necklace, a stuffed animal, a doll, etc. Whatever she is interested in.

Perhaps she can have a large pillow to hit and kick in her room. A stack of newspapers and/or magazines to rip to shreds. If it's safe she could run around the block. Perhaps the two of you could run around the block. She could do jumping jacks. You could turn it into a humorous break from the anger by suddenly starting to jump yourself.

Humor is healing and usually stops a tirade if done at the right time. One parenting class I took said to do something silly that your child wouldn't expect you to do before you both get angry. Be sure that your humor is not mocking her.

Is it possible that you and your boyfriend are trying too hard to get her on your side? And/or that he's taken over some of the discipline? I've learned from several sources that a step-father should stay out of the discipline. Have you focused more on getting the children's acceptance than on how they're feeling about this intrusion?

Try to talk with the about how they feel. Share your feelings with them too. Acknowledge that they have the right to feel anger and whatever emotion that they express. Be compassionate, understanding that this is a frightening move for them.

I also recommend that you tell your daughter that you made a mistake and that you will help her with a Halloween costume. Taking away the costume is too big of a consequence even tho hitting is really serious. Taking it away only increases her anger. It makes her different from her classmates which increases her feelings of worthlessness. Discipline needs to be immediate ie: take away something in the present like turning off the TV. And the discipline is best if it's related to the offense. Sending her to her room to cool off for example. But send her to her room in a firm but also kind way. Talk about what will happen ahead of time, as I suggested earlier, before there is a tantrum.

All of you are in a very stressful place. Changing the anger to acceptance is difficult but you can do it, especially if you get some help. The most important ingredient is compassion for what the other person is feeling. We teach compassion to our kids by modeling it as well as by talking about and accepting their feelings. There are not bad feelings, only bad ways of expressing them.

I wish you well. Changing this will take a lot of time; perhaps months. You'll need patience. You'll need ways to get away and take care of yourself.

Hi C.,
I went through the same thing...although, I was the daughter. I was mad at the world. My mom put me in counseling and I was able to work through a lot of the anger. I felt like it was my mom's fault that i didnt have a "normal" life, like my friends. It was really hard. I know differently know, but it took a lot of counseling and talking to someone other than her to help me realize. I will be praying for you and your daughter. I know its a very tough situation.
In Him,
D.

C.,
My parents divorced when I was seven years old. I can't say that I was going to miss my parents being together because my Father was abusive towards my Mom. Even so I was really sad. My Mom found someone new fairly quickly. He was a nice enough guy but I remember feeling jealous and angry. I didn't want things to change because I had enjoyed having it just my Mom, my Brother, and me. I was really anyry when I found out that they were going to get married. I made it really hard on him and I really didn't ever make it any easier as time went by. Still to this day I still could never say that I love him. No one ever talked to me or asked me if I was ok with what was happening. No one ever asked me if I was hurting. So my suggestion for you would be, if you haven't already, I would have an open conversation with your kids and really listen to what they are saying. It doesn't mean that you will have to kick your boyfriend to the curb if they tell you they don't like him, but at least you will get some info about what might be causing the frustration and anger. You might also consider doing some family counsiling. It can do wonders! Good luck!

It doesn't sound like she has always been like this, and theis behavior started when you began seeing your current boyfriend, right?

I wonder if you can seek some support from your daughter's school counselor. Services are free, and they are there to help students talk about their feelings and how to deal with them in a non-destructive manner.

I am a teacher, and I am always amazed at how kids love talking to the counselor, knowing that that person is there for them. The more opportunities they have to get assistance with how to talk about what's bothering them, the better. Your daughter hopefully will then be able to communicate with you without letting her anger/worries lead to violent actions towards you (the counselor will give her some strategies to use).

I hope this helps. In the meantime, there should be some very clear consequences for the outbursts (you probably already do this). She is old enough to know that getting physical with you (or the wall) is not okay, so she doesn't need any warnings. Maybe every time she ______________, _____________ will happen immediately. Of course, the consequence should not be anything physical and that your voice should be calm.

tried outside help yet? i would honestly contact her school and meet with people there. she might not only be jealous of losing you, she might also be acting out against other things. also, most schools provide counselors (at least that's been my experience) who she might be more willing to open up to and to listen to. y'know how it is, all kids don't believe their parents really know anything.

This has got to be difficlut for everyone - not just you and your daughter. Seek some cousling. Sometimes and outside objective ear is needed to get everyone back on track. I think it could be more than just your new relationship - I be she has issues with the loss of her father too. Need to get control before the pre-teen years - when things can escaalte more. Hang in there - make sure to be open and show lots of love for all.
L....

counseling.. for all three of you.. this would be a big change for all of you if your newest boyfriend became a permanent part of your family.. and she obviously sees that.

start with someone at your church.. if you go to one.. if not then find out if your health insurance covers it.. (sometimes they do) or if you work, see if your place of employment offers a hotline for confidential referrals or counseling.. call and ask around.. but she needs someone to talk to

the bottom line would be to start with counseling..,family therapy and even see if your significant other is willing to participate.. this may be the true test to see how committed he is to you and your children.. they do come first for you.

Good luck.

It may not be jealousy at all and the prob could be a fear that he is just going to leave like every other man in her life. not only did her father leave at a critical time in her early development but each boyfriend that you have dated since (even if you didn't intend it) has been a father like figure in her life and every time that relationship ended another man left her so unless you can be sure this man is going to stay with you and want to be a fatherlike figure in her life you really should keep them separate

I was the same way as your daughter when my mother got involved with my now step dad. When we are kids, we don't understand that adults deserve to have a relationship with another adult. I disagree with the idea of cutting off that relatioship. You are not supposed to have to be the mom and the dad. And you can't be. Men bring something different to the table than we as women do and kids need both. What I would suggest is sitting down with your daughter and tell her very clearly how it is going to be and aside from telling her the negative things it won't be, (ie- he won't be taking your place) Tell her the positive things this will create (ie- you will not have all the stress of the household on your shoulders alone which will make you a better mom, maybe more financial resources, the fun of being a complete family, that even when you are busy there is another person there to play with them or take them places) AND then give her some decisions to make. Tell her we can special time for just you and I set aside... maybe a few hours on Saturday afternoons where just the two of you do something together, maybe paint each others nails or something like that but give her a few days and times to choose from so she feels empowered a bit and not like she is completely out of control in this situation and then make sure whatever time she chooses you guard that time to the very best of your ability so that you never take it from her. I hope this helps.

try to get her int o see some one she can talk to my daught was the same way for awhile when it came to my husband it took some time an we worked through it the Dr. had ue take her to see some one an thing are much better now

I don't know If you thought of this but I think you might want to consider just you and her maybe taking on some counseling because as a parent myself I know it is so hard to read our children and how they are feeling. and I myself have a 11 year old daughter and I think the only way i have been so lucky and succussful with her is always keeping a open communication line with her and doing just me and her time bacause I think when there is no father in a girls life she really needs to know that her mother is always there for her when ever she needs her.And with this new man in your life she probable feels out numbered with this new man and her little bother. and I don't know how close you are with your son but i'll bet she just feels like you don't care for as much as you do for them.So I hope I could help good luck.