My 7 Year Old Son Has Fear of Death

I think this could possibly be a by-product of our "fear" culture. My suggestion...unplug the TV/video games etc... Get him out and about, doing things. Confront his fears by taking him to volunteer at a children's cancer ward or something like that. Meeting real life children that are facing and fighting his fear will make it seem more vincible to him is my guess. It will show him that health problems don't always mean you have to die. There are many options available to people that get sick and many of them recover to lead perfectly normal lives. Helping other children to not be afraid of this will also have the effect of making him less afraid of it. They say the teacher learns more than the student, so let him be the teacher of NOT fearing death.

On a more personal note, I faced this with my son, who is also 7, but to a lesser degree and it was a couple of years ago. I don't know how religious you are, but religion makes a very convenient forum to discuss this and many other issues with children. This is how I handled it:

The way I explained it to him is that we were put on this earth to live good, full lives and to add value to other lives where we can. When the time we were given is over, then it is our turn to go to Heaven which is paradise and peace. I told him that transitioning from life to after-life is not something to fear, it is a wonderous part of the lives our souls are entitled to by God and it is His right to decide how much time we are given. The important thing for us to remember is that we should be living our lives to the fullest while we are on Earth and fear of the transition at the end of our lives will only get in our way of living the best we can. I encouraged my son to think about it as much as he needed to and to ask me any more questions he might have. I told him all of this with as gentle a smile on my face as possible and a demeanor of quiet excitement about what might be awaiting me on the other side when God calls me home one day. Occasionally he brings it up again, but not out of fear anymore, now it is simply curiosity. Sometimes we review the Easter story which illustrates our belief that souls ascend to Heaven after death. This really seems to help get my point across.

Anyways, this is what worked for me, maybe it'll work for you, or maybe it's not your style, but still hopefully you can find something useful in it. :)

Never dealt with this exactly, but I would take this approach. It's what I have done with fear of storms and other stuff like that.

"You are a kid. You don't need ot worry about this. It's Mom and Dad's job to worry. If there is something bad to worry about, then we will always be honest with you and help fix the problem." Tell him to always tell you when he feels afraid, and then try to address his fear (don't ignore it) but also don't feed into it (be nonchalant) - "I understand how you feel to be afraid, but I am the Mom, and I know it's okay, there's nothing to worry about."

Chances are he is also afraid for you. I would just say "Yes people die, but that won't happen for a very, very long time." And "Children very rarely get so sick. And we know you are very very healthy."

I personally have some anxiety issues, and my therapist always said "Sit with the anxiety." You kind of have to wait it out to see that nothing bad is happening. I don't know that this exactly will work with a child, but I would let him be afraid and talk about it. "Yes, that does feel scary - I bet it makes your tummy hurt?" But then show him and remind him how nothing bad came of it. "You see, that cut on your arm is healing just like its supposed to."

You might also talk to him about good fear and bad fear. Have him focus on what fear feels like. It makes your stomach hurt, it makes you feel like crying, etc. Ask him how he feels when he is afraid. Then point out to him that fear is good because it helps us be careful and not do dangerous things. But fear is bad if it stops us from doing good things and makes us paralyzed. I am sure that isn't exactly the right way to say it, but I hope you know what I mean. I talk with my daughter about how she needs to listen to her tummy and how sometimes her tummy is smarter than her head - like when we talk about stranger danger, "If you feel like something is wrong, you should listen to your tummy." I think that kind of thinking might work here too. Show him how to identify the scary feelings coming on and give him something else to think about. "If you start to feel scared, try to take deep breaths or think about something happy, until the feeling passes."

I know this was kind of rambling, but basically: Acknowledge him and don't dismiss his feelings. But also don't linger on it too much. Give him some strategies to deal with feeling scared, but let him know he should always feel like he can tell you. Don't discount talking to a psychologist, with or without him. I think this is normal, but you want to help him get through it as quickly as possible.

L.,

I agree with the two Megans. I think that leaving friends is almost like a death b/c there's that fear that you'll never reconnect again. And moving can make a child feel insignificant, too, b/c the child is in a new situation and has to basically redefine who s/he is.

Get your son involved in activities that he likes - sports, clubs, etc. Take some family day trips, if possible, to remind him that you're there to support him through this transition. Call his school and see if you can set up an appointment to tour it. School is where he will begin to redefine who he is.

I certainly wouldn't scare him by having him volunteer at a chidren's cancer ward. You want to make happy memories in your new home - not create nightmares. Although he's connecting a splinter to cancer, you certainly don't want to reinforce that in his mind!

Could it be related to him not seeing his friends again? Maybe he thinks that because he moved something is going to happen. You could try sending postcards to his friends or to your old house so that he could see that those people are still okay.
M.

L., I think this is a normal reaction to fear of loss and loss of control. This isn't really so much about specific fear of death, certain diseases, etc., as it is about a major upheaval in his life -- a huge move -- over which he probably feels he had no control. At this age, as someone else posted, kids get upset when taken out of their comfort zones and I'd add, they get upset when they feel they have no control over anything that happens to them; for some kids it manifests as acting out and misbehaving and for others it may manifest as teariness and fear of the worst thing they can think of, death, even though moving wasn't fatal to anyone involved. Unless he's been watching TV or playing games where death is present, and at his age I doubt it, he may just be latching onto death as a way to express his real fear, which is not death but loss--he's lost a familiar place, friends and familiar activities, he's lost his routines and the move probably meant he temporarily lost a lot of time and activities with you. He needs reassurance and maybe one talk about death as your family best deals with it (if you're religious, the religious afterlife talk; if you're not, the "young kids don't have to worry about this because..." talk). But I would not bring up the subject until he does again. In the meantime, get him involved now with other kids in a playgroup, or just running around a lot and encouraging play with other kids at the park, plus I assume he'll be in school pretty soon there. He needs to be around new kids and make friends and get into some activities both to distract him and to make him start feeling this place is home. He also needs to feel he has control over something in his life; can you let him help pick out things around the house that you're buying? Can you have him choose a summer class or activity he wants to do? Regarding the idea of his volunteering now with sick kids -- I wouldn't have him volunteering in person with seriously ill children at his age unless maybe he's exceptionally mature, and with these fears it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. Plus, I doubt any hospital or clinic would allow him to do it at his age. It's a good idea for an older child but he's so young it could be upsetting to him and raise more questions rather than teaching him "kids do get well." Not all of them will and that could open the can of worms back up again. He could make crafts or toys with your help to send to sick kids, or donate books or videos to hospitals, but I'd separate those activities from his fears and just do it, maybe at a later time when he's not focused on death etc., to establish the idea of giving to others in need. By the way, he will process the fear of death at other times as he gets older, in other ways, so in a way it's good you're thinking about this now.

My son was four when he started question death. He said a little girl at school told him that he would die. I am not sure if you are a religious person and believe in God but I started off by telling my son how awesome heaven is and about all the cool stuff that God has up there for us. He responded by saying that he wanted to go get some toys from up there and ect.... I then told them the ways that you get there which included death. He was really in disbelief when he found out that you die first. Of course the next question was well are you going with me. I then responded by telling him that he did not have to worry about going to heaven yet because there was so many things here on earth that God wants him to see and do. He said okay. However for an older child you might have to go a little more in deeper of course but I find that honesty sometime or teaching your beliefs work the best.

Hi L.,
My son is almost 7 and every time we have a major event like starting school or a new move or job, etc, it's exciting to me, but takes him out of his comfort zone. His happy go-lucky personality also changes and he gets anxious and stressed about evrything. A few months ago, his fear was about me dying and he would constantly ask about that.

This may seem unrelated, but SELF CONFINDENCE in children plays into every aspect of their behavior. Your son's self-esteem is developing at such a fast rate right now. When he's in a new environment, he's unsure about life, so concentrate on boosting his ego (so-to-speak) right now. Let him know how much you care about him. Plan some one-on-one activities of HIS favorite things to do. Make it know that you are proud of him moving across country and it's ok to be scared. Share stories about your fears as a child so that he knows everybody feels that way sometimes.

After he's feeling confident again, he's going to be able to digest his fears about death or anything with courage.
Best of Luck!!

this happened to my younger son too, at about the same age. many people don't ever seem to get that cold thunk of mortality, it remains abstract and can be assuaged through religion or logic, but for those it suddenly becomes real for, for whatever reason, it's not something you can brush over.
i found that the best way to handle it with my son was to hold him very close, skin to skin was best, tacitly reassuring him that RIGHT THEN at that moment he was alive, anchored in the world, and safe. i would answer his questions honestly......no one knows for sure what happens, the uncertainty seems to be part of the deal. and we'd talk about the eschatologies of different cultures, what his friends think happens, what i think happens, what he feared most about it, what he hoped for. talking it through calmly, without dismissing his fears, seemed to help him work it out. the 'death terrors' diminished over a couple of years and now he barely remembers them.
khairete
S.