D.T.
I sorta have a boy just like yours at home. Now he's just like yours but before he was fully diagnosed with ADHD the school had the trouble and I had a "my version of normal" kid. But now his medication wears off on the bus home and I never know when he will flip that switch. It's like he explodes into activity and irritation. To handle it last year we read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I checked it out on tape from the library. You can find it at www.tulsalibrary.org This was a great beginning step for us but didn't translate well into the classrooom.
this website offers motives for bad behavior and ways to react without getting emotional and loud. http://lifematters.com/step.asp
My son's school gave me a book that uses the same program and this is the first and formost thing you need to know:
There are Four Goals of Misbehavior
Attention - All children desire and need attention. But a child who needs attention all the time will resort to behavior that is annoying. The parent responds by scolding or warnings and the child is temporarily satisfied but not for long.
Power - For some children their mistaken goal is to be in charge. By their misbehavior they are saying "I am in control" or "You can't make me". Parents feel angry and will meet the child in a power struggle. If the parent gives in the child "wins" and stops the behavior until the next power struggle arises.
Revenge - These children often feel they have been hurt or that they can never win in a power struggle. They feel the only way to belong is to get even. Parents feel hurt and rejected by this form of misbehavior.
Inadequacy - Often a child will give up displaying helplessness. They want to be left alone so they have no expectations to live up to. Parents feel helpless to do anything and feel like giving up as well. For many children this form of misbehavior is displayed only in certain areas like homework or activities.
These four goals of misbehavior give parents the clues they need to redirect their children and help them find positive ways to achieve their need to belong. Understanding that children are not consciously plotting their misbehavior but it is based on a child's mistaken goal, goes a long way in promoting a respectful parenting style.
To identify the mistaken goal parents ask themselves 3 questions.
1. When your child misbehaves, how do YOU feel?
2. What do you as the parent most often do in response to the misbehavior?
3. What does your child do in response?
It shows how to offer positive choices. Choices that result in good behavior from both of you.
I know it's easier to threaten so that he complies but that level of tough guy is hard to maintain. When you are raising kids alone and you are alone most of the time it's even harder to be both parents. If you take your own emotions out of the equation his will lessen over time.
Consider one more thing, he's hearing those statements at school, on television or in the neighborhood and trying them out at home to see if he gets the desired reaction. When you, sister or dad get out of control over it then he knows he has a button to push and will keep pushing that button.
I could go on and on. If you need more suggestions email me. I'm in Sand Springs and I can show you what we do. I'd offer you my book but I can't find it. I may have returned it to school.
