Is He My Husband or My Child?

sounds exactly like mine. just found out this month he has adult ADHD and he was put on medication for the first time in his life...and all i can say is thankyou adderall. it has made my husband a grownup. :)

My aunt who had a very happy and blessed marriage of nearly 60 years said that she considered her husband to be another one of her children.

Men are different than women - not better or worse - but different. These are generalization - and there are exceptions - but here are my thoughts: When it comes to child-rearing they are not as involved, nor do they want to be. They don't hover the way moms do - they step back and let kids try things out and learn the consequences. I recall my husband allowing my 2 yr old son out in the backyard in 2 feet of snow in his pajamas and boots - no coat, no hat or mittens. I was apalled - he reponded calmly, "when he's cold, he'll come in". About a minute later it got too cold for him and he came back in. He never went outside in the snow without his coat since. It's true that kids need both types or parenting - a mom's and a dad's for balance. They need the tough love and roughhousing of a dad and they need the "aw baby" and nurturing of a mom.

My husband also was at a point when he needed proffuse praise & thanks when he did a routine thing around the house - like the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, etc. I realized that it was easier to thank him and compliment his work than to do it myself.

I also realized that my husband was not really properly trained by his parents. They never encouraged and praised for a job well done - they criticized and teased for a less than perfect job done by a kid who wasn't properly shown how to do things. So - I began to practice on him what I did with my kids.
Step 1 - honey it would really help me alot if you could empty the dishwasher that ran last night while I'm getting dinner together. Could you help me out with that?
Step 2 - DO NOT criticize. Nothing stops things short like criticism. If he asks where things go tell him - don't say "how long have you lived in this house and you don't know where the cereal bowls go?"
Step 3: When it's done praise, then praise some more. "honey that was a huge help - now when dinner's done that's one less step I need to do"
Step 4: reward - use your imagination. Women have this tremendous power with the man we love. Men are pretty simple creatures - they have two moods - hungry or horney. Having a close intimate relationship is the best way to keep the communication open and afterwards is also a good time to discuss options for chores. (I'm not kidding!) When he says - oh honey that was so nice - you can say I wish I had the energy for more of this but baby I am so tired - why don't you help me do stuff around here and I won't be so tired?

Laura Schlesinger wrote a book a coupld of years ago called "The Propre Care & feeding of Husbands" or soemthing liek that. It wasn't a bad read.

Bottom line is that unless he's abusive or addicted you and your kids will be better off with him around than not around. Your marriage is worth working on and jsut think, if you divorce there's all this time he'll have the kids and you won't have ANY influence. Surely their teeth won't get brushed on those weekends.

It takes a w hile but husbands can be properly trained (smile) and if you're part of the way through the training you want to throw away all that investment and let some other woman get the benefit of your training?

My favorite fortune from a fortune cookie: A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife has a smart wife. Many men I know agree wholeheartedly with this!

I go through almost the same and was on the verge of going crazy for soo long because of it.
Example: Asked husband to change son's poopy diaper yesterday since I was making my husband the salad he just asked me to make him. I needed to get him the wipes, go back in and get him a diaper and a bag to put the poopy diaper in then the best part is when all was done my lovely husband never put his pants back on him so in the kitchen he crawled back to me with no pants.
Your not alone sista!!

No, don't end your marriage over this. Stop mothering him, stop reminding him, stop yelling at him. You do your jobs the best you can. He can do his, too. Who decided what his jobs were, you or him? If it was you, he is in a power struggle with you. You have to back off.

My suggestion - his jobs are earning a living, paying all the bills, playing with the kids, helping kids with homework, etc, leading the family. If you treat him like an incompetent teenager, that is exactly how he will behave. He will rebel against you by being irresponsible and "forgetting." He has not forgotten things, he is mad at you for trying to boss him around and he is mad at you for thinking that you have to hold his hand to do everything.

I had the same problem with my husband for years. You catch more flies with honey. You have to behave like you trust him to figure out his own responsiblities and his own life. You have to ask him nicely to do things like this, "Dear, when you have a minute, would it be too much trouble if you did x?" You cannot order him around. My guess is that he never orders you around. This is a common power play in marriages that can easily be resolved and happiness restored if you will stop nagging and treating him like a baby. You've got to start sweet talking, building up his ego, apologizing for nagging, and making him WANT to help you out. Right now you are on his black list and he has no desire to help you because you don't respect him.

I am speaking from personal experience as a former nag. We women don't realize how annoying we are. You can be a good person, with good intentions, but appear to your man as a monster. You can do this. I am sure you can. You are a good person and your husband is too, but he has a male way of thinking that can be difficult for us wives to understand. Respect him and act like it and things will start changing fast.

You're going to get a range of responses to this one.

Personally, I wouldn't end my marriage over it, but I'm not you.

I do have this problem with my husband. It drives me nuts. Finally I realized that I can't make him better at it, and I can only control my response to it. So I told him that he could have it one of two ways - either he could deal with the consequences of not being reminded about thing A,B,C, or I could nag him and he could respond pleasantly.

Example - buying a Xmas gift for his mom. His mom, his job. So either I can remind him throughout the buying season that he needs to get a gift for his mom and he can be grateful for the reminder, or I can say nothing and when he doesn't have a gift for his mom it's his problem to figure out on Xmas morning.

He generally actually choses to be nagged. It's not my favorite role, but as long as he doesn't get snappy about it, it's okay.

It is annoying that I have to do all the kid stuff (seriously, the kids need to go to the bathroom _every_ night before bed - how hard is that to remember?) but it's also not worth fighting over, in my opinion. The fight kept happening because I wanted him to be good at something that he's just not good at. If your husband forgives you your faults that drive him crazy (and that's a real "if"), I would suggest finding productive ways to deal with his too.

Good luck.

Honestly, I don't understand women who say things like 'men are just different honey" - all ADULT people can be responsible! I am sure he works hard at his job and loves his kids- but you do too, and it sounds like you are also getting stuck with all the chores! It would particularly bug me that he would blow off something as important as making sure his boys brushed their teeth- that isn't just a chore, it is about keeping your kids healthy!

I would make up a list of ALL the chores and responsibilities you have around the house. Tell your husband you need to have a 'family meeting' with him and impress upon him how important this is to you and how serious you are about this being a problem which is really stressing your marriage.

Ask him to also make a list of all the chores and responsibilities he is SUPPOSED to do about the house or with the kids, etc. Then sit down together and talk to him about how important it is for BOTH of you to be honest with yourselves and each other. Go through each list together- and talk about who is really doing EACH chore and if it is REALLY getting done or not.

Tell him this is not about you being 'better' etc.- it is about your marriage which is a partnership where both of you MUST work together to keep the house tidy, and parent your children. If either party slacks off- the other person ends up making up for it. That's bound to happen sometimes in a busy week or if one of you is sick, etc. but it shouldn't be the norm all the time.

Work out a list together of chores for him to be responsible for that HE says he will actually do. Ask him if it would help him to post the list on the fridge or calendar for him to check off (like he is a little kid, I know, but it might help, lol) or setting a timer when he is on the computer- whatever HE thinks will help him to be more responsible.

I would also talk to him seriously about not brushing the kid's teeth. point out that it isn't like not clearing the table or folding laundry- it absolutely affects his children's health! Ask him how he will feel about the dentists' bills when they get cavities because their dad couldn't remember to help them brush their teeth!

Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for him. If not, I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor together and/or- just stop taking care of him. Seriously, stop picking up after him, washing and folding his clothes, stop making food just for him. Just take care of yourself and the kids. If he complains or gets mad, just tell him that you 'forgot' to do those little chores because you were busy, on the computer, etc. After a week or so, that ought to sink in! Good luck- you are not in the wrong here. Your husband needs to man up and GROW up!

I HATE this! We, as wives, are in a no-win situation!

If we remind our husbands, then we are nags ...or worse....Bi*@hes. I hate it! I usually say a very mature response when called a name - I say, "right back at you, Baby Boy". Or I hold up my hand & say, "talk to it". OMG my mouth! BUT, I do not fight with him over any of these issues.....I simply walk away.

Do I think it's enough to end a marriage? No, but I do believe it is enough to end the cycle of this behavior. Make a chart of the daily chores. Post it all over the house. Title it: If You See It ....Then Do It. Get your boys to also be responsible by teaching them daily life skills......& that may shame your husband into being a better man.

I truly believe we have the last few generations of Moms to blame for this one! My husband is 56 & still thinks he doesn't have to pick up after himself. I do not do it. It sits piled up until he trips over it .....or when I do my "call for laundry". He grew up with 6 sisters & never, ever did anything in the home. How wrong!! Good Luck in finding Peace!

I think it is more do you still love him? I go through this with my husband always doing and telling him things over and over. He works and loves our child but takes no responability for anything in the home or do with it besides paying bills. But I still love him.

No, not worth ending your marriage. There are already great posts about how to "train" your husband. I am going to tell you that the only person you can truly change is yourself and your own attitude. Think long and hard about how you would feel if someone did to you the things you do to your husband everyday. Then get to work changing your own reactions (yelling and threatening). Even if this doesn't prompt a change in him - you'll feel much better. Remember how your mom used to tell you not to let people push your buttons and get you mad or upset? So quit getting yourself worked up over something that may never change. Having Peace and showing Forgiveness isn't such a bad way to live.

My main suggestion is marriage counceling. Maybe then you can get to the root of his actions/problem & it can be corrected. I don't think divorce is a good solution just yet. My husband is easly distracted (as am I at times) & he forgets or isn't listening when i ask him to do something. so I have to be standing in front of him or put my hand on his shoulder (this goes with my 2 boys too). If you go to church, check with your paster for a counceler. He/She may even be able to have a counceling session with you.
Have you tried sitting down with him face to face (alone with no tv or kids around) & tell him how much you need his help around the house & with the kids?
I hope this helps!
God bless!

Does your husband have adult ADHD? Just a thought.......

M., I think many women have husbands who are "forgetful." I'm one of them. But I would never end my marriage over it. My husband has too many other spectacular qualities! What I've realized is that there are things about my husband that I have to live with; I KNOW it works both ways :) This is how we stay happily married; we accept one another -- the good and the "bad."

Make chore list and a sticker placed on every item completed. However, you do not have to be the parent who checks the list and gives the sticker.
Meanwhile, he's a kid and won't grow up for probably 80 more years, so YOU change and make and create happiness with the "boys"
They will learn to brush their teeth after that first cavity.

I don't think it's enough to end a marriage over. I'm guessing there are more issues going on if ending the marriage has crossed your mind.

Set reminders for him. Either on his phone or on his computer, which ever he uses the most (I set appointments in Outlook). That way you're not the one telling him what to do and the reminder keeps going off until he acknowledges it. It works great for my husband.

This is kind of a strange question only because my first thought is that you probably knew this when you married him and people don't change. However, my gut is that there is a much deeper issue at work surrouding his respect for you and the functioning of your household. You don't say much about your family structure and that would help... how old are your kids? Do you both work? Similar hours/opposite shifts? Is this behavior new? If so, when did it start?

This may not work b/c I can't get a feel for how pervasive this issue really is, but I would have a family meeting and discuss the "chore chart"- if your boys are old enough to do something like this. Clearly chart "who-does-what" and "when". This should include your chores too! For those who do their chores, then there is a small reward... latte for mom, extra (uninterrupted) computer time for dad, extra treat for the kids.

I would also suggest that you consider marriage counseling before walking away. First, he doesn't believe you b/c you threaten to leave and then don't. This may wake him up more than an empty threat. If you feel that you have a relationship worth saving, then work on it together. If he refuses to go, then consider that for what it is... another sign of his lacking respect and then do what you need to do!