My 5 Year Old Son Doesn't Have Any Friends. Will This Change?

I had 2 boys, very opposite of each other. 1 was very outgoing, the other very quiet, didn't care about playing with any of the neighborhood kids. The one that played by himself is the smart one. He has a few friends right now but he choses to have one really good friend, but he still doesn't run around with anyone right now. He cares more about studying than friends. He is studying to be a doctor. He is also the one that has had a girlfriend the entire time. Don't look for it to change very much. BUT at the same time he will find other things that interest him and it may be reading and making good grades. He will also probably have a girlfriend all the time too. I wouldn't push friends nor would I worry about it. Let him be him and he will do just fine. Don't worry.

Hi A.,

Your post has been on my mind since I read it yesterday.

I want to take a moment to share with you. I nannied for a child that was much like you describe your son. Having the gift of being able to see her grow up, I watched her awkward social years and now am seeing her blossom as a teenager. She is a brilliant young woman and while she knows a lot of people, her friends are few. But they are very close, deep relationships.

One thing that her mother shared with me was the book "The Introvert Advantage". (I'm a bit introverted, too.) It might be reassuring for you as he grows...introverted people can be stigmatized socially, but being a person who likes to be alone is not in any way unnatural or anti-social. Instead, being an introvert allows us to develop deep, strong relationships and this tends to make a stronger network of personal support later in life. Being a self-driven person is also a wonderful quality.

In life there are so many people who can't stand to be alone with themselves. Your son has a gift--and a mother who is a gift in herself. I love that you want to better understand your son. Know that he will find a time when friendship becomes important to him. And chances are that if he is a bona fide introvert, he's likely to have had enough of other kids during his school-day. This is his downtime, and for those of us who like to be alone, it's very meaningful and restoring to our souls.

Best,
H.

Don't push Mom!!! Kids are intuitive. They know who will be a good friend, who likes them for them and not for what they have or can give. We have a high need as parents that are kids are well liked and included, not excluded in play, events, projects. Conferences will be happening soon, his teacher will cover this at his evaluation. Ask the question about how he gets along with others. Does he work well with others in the classroom? Take your queues from him, and let him grow into his own relationships. It will be okay.

My daughter was the same way... she would either play alone, or with the teacher. At about 5 years old, my husband and I worried about the same thing. We also ultimately came to the same conclusion. It was only a problem for us, and the lack of friends didn't bother my daughter one bit. My daughter plays very well alone and enjoys people watching more than joining. When we are at a playground and a child asks her to play (she sometimes turns them down), she plays just fine with the new friend. She also has no problems inviting younger kids to play. She is now 8 years old, and is best friends with her toddler brother. She also has a couple other very close friends. We have since learned that there are two types of kids. Some have a ton of casual friends and can find a new friend anywhere they go... they also tend to need another child to have fun. Then there are the kids like mine and yours that have only one or two friends and are very close to them and keep them for a very long time. When their friend is not there, they are perfectly happy playing all alone. My daughter didn't find this best friend until 1st grade.
When I really thought about it, I was the same way.

No matter what he says, he would probably love to have a friend or two with whom he feels very comfortable. Kids in elementary school have little time to socialize during the school day, so he may not have bonded with anyone yet. I'd try to figure out 1-2 children in his class that you can tell are really nice, and try to bond with their moms and get a playdate going. If kids are signing up for a sport, perhaps see if you can sign him up with the group. As the kids reach 2nd or 3rd grade, sometimes cliques and friendships settle in and it might be tough on him. Everything will be fine, since you are on top of this!

Updated

No matter what he says, he would probably love to have a friend or two with whom he feels very comfortable. Kids in elementary school have little time to socialize during the school day, so he may not have bonded with anyone yet. I'd try to figure out 1-2 children in his class that you can tell are really nice, and try to bond with their moms and get a playdate going. If kids are signing up for a sport, perhaps see if you can sign him up with the group. As the kids reach 2nd or 3rd grade, sometimes cliques and friendships settle in and it might be tough on him. Everything will be fine, since you are on top of this!

He is still at the age of parallel play. But you can nudge him along by having play dates. Ask just one boy over. Ask him which boy or girl that is most like him and ask him or her over. If it goes well, ask him or her again.

Gently do this with another playmate that goes to his class. Gradually he will get more friends, but he probably will always be shy.

Hi A. - He is only 5, don't stress about it!! Yes, this is the time kids start learning about social skills and making friends but that is not everything and they have many years to learn them. Of course we want the best and perfect life for our kids but that is not reality.

I read your other postings to get a little better background. With stating your son is shy and with your Oct 27th posting you have some other concerns (including OCD or autism spectrum), all of this could be tied together with where he is at developmentally - some kids just take a little longer. Have you talked with his teachers about this and the other concerns you have for your son? That would be a good step in helping him. Have you documented the concerns (using video and journal)? These social skills or lack-there-of is something else to mention to your peditrician when you speak to them about all your other concerns.

If you want to help him work on developing friendship with kids in class/neighborhood then the teacher can also help you connect with other parents who might be potential good friends and if you are able to then meet outside of school it might help him develop the skills to learn to make friends. You can also go to the library and check out books dealing with friendships, this might help him learn how to do this. But if he is "happy" where he is at now don't push him into something that will make him uncomfortable (using the right tools is key to success). If you have continuing concerns about all the areas you have mentioned in other postings then reach out for help (with developmental peditrician, school,etc). If after talking with these professionals something (a special need) does come up then you will have a better understanding on how to help work with your son to be a success - the earlier these are found out the better. You are not alone and remember that kids grow and learn at their own pace we can not push them to what we want, we can only give them the tools to move forward. God Bless

I believe it will change he's only 5 years old. Be careful not to push playdates that are not child motivated. He will find someone in his own time. He is at school so he has the opportunity to meet other children. My children didn't enjoy playdates that other parents made for their children with my children. They are the ones that should choose who they want to play with. My one son had only one friend at a time all the way through 5th grade. He is a very social person now.

Just want to throw my few cents in-
The responses you received are very positive, but a thing to keep in the back of your mind, as time goes on, is high-functioning autism (ie. Asbergers). As you probably know, these kiddos are normal to exceptional in every other area except social. My son was diagnosed around age 5. We never would have guessed he was on the spectrum, but his caregivers noticed his parallel play patterns and suggested testing. If you continue to be concerned, you can get a free in home eval through your county or from the school district. Getting an early jump on it is important and it will give you peace of mind if there is nothing found.