My 5 Year Old Is a Habitual Liar.

My daughter did the same thing. It drove me crazy! It got to where everytime she told me something, I would ask is this a story or the truth. The good news is she is now 6 years old and the stories are fewer and far between. Just hang in there and it should get better in a year or so.

J.,
I really feel for you! It must be exhausting to handle something like this. It's obvious you're doing all you can to tell her it's not appropriate and that one of God's rules is to not lie. Maybe you can turn this into something really good! Why not buy her a couple of reams of paper, plastic page protectors and special binder in which to keep her stories? It can be a progressive project for you both. You can start by decorating the binder with all different materials while discussing how this is her special book of stories. THIS will be the place for her imagination to roam free! You can write down or even type her words and let her draw pictures to go along with her stories. Who knows, you may end up with volumes of books that she can show her dad when he's home.
Is it possible that this may be her way of reacting to her dad being gone so much? You may want to start with a story about Dad. Hang in there and God bless!

I also had three children in 31/2 years. Let me assure you that when they're teens, it's a good thing, and I'm alot happier to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel than my friends who have kids in highschool and preschool at the same time!

I was a liar pretty much up until I got married. I am an oldest child and oldest grandchild and I started lying for the usual reason (so I wouldn't have to brush my teeth) and got worse because I wanted attention and I'd lie to pretend my life was the way I wished it were. I lied to new people automatically so they'd think I was richer, more popular, etc. than I was. I quit when I got married and started living the life I wanted to have, and then later when real life intruded(!) I was out of the habit and mature enough to realize that lying about my life wasn't going to make anything better.

So I think she probably feels some lack of attention. Most of the lies you name are attention getters (are her classmates new this year?) Also, lying about eating dinner when you don't want to eat it is very normal for the age. You don't want to let her get away with lying, but right now, she's being rewarded for it with your attention. My minister told me once that I didn't care if the attention was good or bad as long as I was getting it, and he was pretty much right. So since you don't want to let her think the lying is okay, the punishment needs to be swift and short, and it might be that instead of having a big long talk with her about it, you should say "Mommy is upset with you when you lie, and I need to spend time away from you now, so go to your room for a time out." But the most important part is that when she is not lying, be sure to pick things that please you and spend time talking about them "I really love how you arranged your dollhouse, can I play with you for a few minutes?" Also, arrange some parent/child alone time for her like a trip to the park or McD's for lunch, or a Big Girl story time after the little ones are in bed. If she gets her attention for being good or just for NOT being bad, she's more likely to try being good.

But I gotta say I LOVED the nailing the sins on the cross. That is so powerful for that age.

Oh, yeah, I also want to point out that even though I lied alot, I never was in trouble much and did well in school and worked for a living and married pretty well, and am now a pillar of my church with Christian teens, so while you need to work on it, don't worry too much.

W/o reading your responses, I must 'chime in' (LOL). I think fantasy and imagination are wonderful, but try to explain to her the difference between:
LYING: (expecting someone to really believe something that's really possible without telling them the truth),
EXAGGERATING: (adding to reality),
JOKING: (telling a whopper, then laughing and saying, "Nah. I was just teasing". Maybe explain 'April Fool' as and example), and
FANTASY: (telling things that couldn't possibly be true). Maybe make a game of it -- tell her something and have her tell you which it was; a lie, a joke, and exaggeration, or fantasy. Once you're sure she understands, hold her accountable and maybe even suggest that she tell you whenever she was 'tempted' to lie but DIDN'T, then give her a big hug and tell her how proud you are of her self-discipline. Our youngest was an AVID thumb-sucker from 3 months til she went to pre-school and she 'broke' herself from it by sheer determination, once she decided to. It was her first real lesson in self-discipline, and we were very proud of her. She would've probably needed orthodontic braces, anyway, but the thumb-sucking made it even more necessary. She's now almost 20 and still wears her retainers 3-4 nights a week and takes very good care of her teeth. They're lovely. All that to say, whatever we 'overcome' becomes our strong area. Let it be HER choice to quit lying, and give her incentive to tell the truth. Hope this helps.

Oh, and I assumed it would go without saying, but NEVER, EVER lie to her!

You need to take her to church and read her the ten commandments, let her know that there are consequences to lying. Tell her her friends will like her for who she is. Tell her that her friends will not want to talk to her if they think she is lying all the time.

As a former teacher, I've dealt with habitual liars a few times. It was a little worse for me, because I taught 6th grade, and for them to still be doing it at that age is just unacceptable. That's the thing though, if parents don't take care of the problem when they're young, then they continue...it's crazy. I've taught little ones too, years ago, and if I were you, I'd call her out every single time she lies. I would let her know your disappointment every single time. Also, I would come up with some sort of consequence every single time. It just can't be tolerated. Let her know that she should want her friends to like her for who she really is, and if they don't then she shouldn't want them as friends.

I think most kids just do it for attention...whether that's praise, awe, sympathy, etc. We had a student last year that told us (his teachers) that his mother had been in a terrible car accident and that she was quite injured. When we called home to make sure everything was OK, his completely un-injured mother answered the phone. She hadn't been in an accident at all. Oddly enough, his parents totally took up for him in this situation, coming up with excuse after excuse about why he said it. To us, it was not acceptable for a 12 year old to do something like this, and we punished him PERIOD. It doesn't sound like you'll be the kind of parent that makes excuses for your child's lying, but just be aware that it can go on and on for years if nothing is done now.

These are rather extreme lies for a child so young, and seem to be tied in to getting attention/approval from others. Have you considered professional help from a counselor, school authority, or clergy? She obviously knows she's lying so it doesn't seem that "pretend" or imagination are the issue.

Make her accountable for her lies. First ask her is that a truth or a lie. If you know it is a lie, I would make her tell whoever she lied to that she did so! If she says she is going to take everyone to DisneyWorld, make her appologize to the class for lying to them. She will get very embarrassed and hopefully the lying will stop. Also, give her a time out when she is at home when you catch her in a lie! A minute per age! Worked for my little 5 year old.

While having an active imagination is a good thing, lying is never a good thing. If your daughter is feeling the need to lie in order to get her friends to "like" her, there is an esteem issue there. I would go one step further with her praying and saying she's sorry to God. Let her know that part of asking forgiveness for something we do wrong, means that we will try very hard not to do it again. If she is still doing it, that means that she's really not sorry. Good luck.

Dear J.; Sorry you are having this kind of trouble wiht your 5 yr old. I believe all children test the waters some around this age with lying. One of my children did that until I too realized his imagination was getting a little out of control. It was not that hard to stop it using a measure of talking and explaining that not telling the truth is unacceptable behavior. You definately want to stop it because my children's father (my ex) is a hibitual liar. Very few people trust him anymore; and I know you do not want that for your daughter. I would suggest staying on top of it, do not let any lie go big or small. The fact that she responded to you " don't tell my friends--they won't like me anymore" sounds like she is havein issues with acceptance. And sorry to say it but the fact that Daddy is gone so much can play a huge part in the childrens behavior. No matter wht the "world" tells you. Children need both parents espically little girls. She may be acting out someting to get attention or feel acceptance. She als my be feeling rejection from her Daddy, and she don't know how to handle it. Since you said your were Christians, I wll say this: PRAYER WORKS. Show her in the Bible where God does not like for us to like and then pray with her daily asking God to help her to not lie. That way she cane learn to pray, learn that this is something that God is interested in and she can also see you praying on her behalf. That will make a big difference. Of course keep praying yourself. God Bles!

As Christians, God may have to forgive this, but we told our daughter she had a red light on her forehead only adults who love her can see. To me, it was a way to explain to a three year old child the "look" of lying. She gave away when she was lying and I told her it was a red light. Now (she's 7) when she thinks of lying she hides her forehead, a dead give away. I know I took creative license with God's creation but I think He will forgive me. The other thing you need to do is ensure as soon as you catch her lying, stop her right then and have her talk to Jesus about it. Help her talk to Jesus about it, then you pray over her that she may have the strength to tell the truth even when it isn't as pretty as the lies. Don't leave the praying to her alone. Once she understands you are on God's side, not hers, it will help her remember to not disappoint you or God.

I would agree, I think it's just her imagination. Is she one who likes to draw/color a lot? My almost 23yo was a little artist from the time she could hold a crayon. She has a very active imagination.

When she was in Kindergarten, I would assist in her class on Monday's. Well for about 3 weeks someone was sick so I couldn't make it. When I did return, the teacher asked me about our camping trip! I told her we'd not been camping. She then said that Amanda told her that we'd gone camping and that 'daddy set mommy's hair on fire'...ON FIRE! And then it hit me...'oh you think I've been home hiding scars'!! to which she did, she thought I was being abused! I asked Amanda why she said that to the teacher, in front of the teacher, and she said the same thing--it's just a funny story!! It never occurred to her that anyone would take it seriously!

So I think it's a phase she's going through. I would continue to ask her truth vs lies but not make a huge deal over it.

I don't know if this will help, but here goes... I was just like your daughter at that age. Not so much lying at home, but lying to my friends. I can still remember it. I think my motivation was that I wanted to impress them and like me MORE, and even though I understood on some level that they would like me less if they found out I had lied, I guess I just figured they would never find out. The problem I had was that I was not entirely satisfied with my life the way it was - I knew instinctively that there was something "wrong" (my parents ended up divorcing) - with your daughter it could be that she is upset about her dad being gone so much, as well as having to compete for attention with two younger siblings. As far as what to do, I think the best thing to do is keep on telling her it is wrong and discipline her when she's caught. Maybe you can get her to talk about what she is upset about or what she wishes was different, but at that age it's hard to articulate. You could try having her friends over on a regular basis - that way she will KNOW they will find out the lie, but also she will see that she can be accepted and have fun without exaggerating. If it's any comfort, I DID outgrow it and now I can spot a liar a mile away (it takes one to know one) The other advice I have is pray, pray, pray!

With three kids in 3-1/2 years, your husband should travel 12 months out of the year instead of 10! lol

My granddaughter lies all the time, too, and she is 5. She told me her step-brother "touched" her in the wrong place, and I talked with the school counselor who referred her to the Child Welfare office. After going through all the counseling, we all found out she made it up. It's hard to understand, but it sounds like your daughter is only doing it to impress her schoolmates....with the pool, the trips, the money, etc. Maybe she senses you and your husband "trying to keep up with the Joneses" or something. Have you thought about that? She's trying so hard to impress the other 5-year olds. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I tell myself every day, "This, too, shall pass!!!!!!"

Your five year old might respond to being given "grown-up" responsibilities as "Mama's oldest daughter". I have seen the big stories/lies appear as a result of a child being jealous of younger siblings. Although she may dearly love her younger siblings, she may be very insecure about her place as "only child" having been usurped by new babies who, due to their dependence upon the parents, need a lot of the time and attention that originally belonged to the oldest child. You might make a big deal of how much more mature she is and note that she is old enough to do certain things. At the same time, remind her of things that the other two are "too little" to do. Invite friends of your daughter over to your house for special "play dates" to help her gain confidence that her friends will like the special person she really is. Sit down with her and look at her "baby book" and family photo albums showing [and cooing over] pictures of her with family members and friends that tell how special she was and is to everyone. If she has been feeling "replaced" by babies 2 & 3, it seems logical that this feeling would carry over to her feeling concerned that she is not good enough the way she is to attract and keep friends outside her family. The "stories" seem to be a [rather desperate] attempt to make herself appear better than she thinks she is. Pay careful attention to and praise all the wonderful things that are special about her. Building self-confidence should gradually eradicate her need to fabricate a "princess" image...

Although it is normal for children to use their imagination, it is not ok for them to lie all the time. You can tell the difference. If you don't do something now to discourrage this it could become a real problem. If I knew my children were lying, I asked them to tell me the truth, and if they still lied when I gave them the chance to come clean, I put a large ammount of black pepper on their tounges and made them keep it there for a while until they felt like telling me the truth(it didn't take very long). They knew that there would be an unpleasant consequence for the lies and they soon quit lying. I also went through the bible and wrote down various verses on discipline and correcting children and any time I have to correct my children for something, I follow up by explaining my responsibility to God as a parent entrusted with their up bringing. This also reassures me that I am doing the right thing to correct them in a way that causes them to change the unrighteous behavior. It is hard in today's society to do what is right in disciplining our children without some kind of stigma attached from the world's perspective, but as Christian parents, it is our job to raise godly children in a godly manner and a spirit of love. To love your child is to teach them right from wrong and correct when nessasary. I would also recommend a study by a Christian minister, Chip Ingram, "Effective Parenting in a Defective World". It is a great tool for parenting from a godly point of view.

i think all kids go through a lying phase. it's part of growing up...imagination, testing bounderies, etc. if you catch her in a lie, call her on it...especially if it's got to do with rule breaking, or something dangerous/harmful, make her fess up and then apologize for the lie. if she's just making up stories, sometimes it ok to jsut play along with them...thats what pretending is all about...make believe. if she's making stuff up at school to impress her friends, then explain to her that true friends will like her no matter what she has or doesn't have, but no one wants to be friends with some one that lies.

Hi, my name is R.. Mother of 7. 5 boy's 2 girls. I feel like you need to call her on every one. My now 23 yro is a liar. He always has been and i wish i had listen to his older sib's more when they we little. At the time he was the baby and as almost always i believed him. Well that wasn't so good. Now look. Looking back i think if i could have looked though the baby thing and confronted him then and there he wouldn't lie like he does now. He doesn't tell lie's that hurt anybody or anything like that but dumb stuff. I don't get it. Only ask why bother. Just tell the truth. Anyway. I feel like you need to deal with it knownot wait and see what happens. Oh and mine were raised in church also. I will pray for you. Blessings, R.

Hi J.! I know how you feel. My daughter has gone through this as well. My 2 cents is this...get to the bottom of the real issue. For her to cry about the possibility of her friends finding out the truth, then the real issue is love and acceptance-both from her friends and from you. This is a phase, but it does need to be dealt with now. I like the "red light" thing someone said earlier. As a Christian,remind her how much you love her, and how much our Father in heaven loves her, and that you both love her just the way she is. Go to the Christian book store and find some books that emphasize this subject. Remind her how important she is and that lies are hiding the truth. Jesus wants to show the truth to everyone. Teach her how to truly let her light shine-which is how beautiful, smart, caring, & kind she is.
For you,as it was for me, the hardest part was coming face to face with the fact that "all men have gone astray, none are righteous" even our 5 year olds. That was a hard pill to swallow. Your job as a parent is to teach her and train her in the truth, so that she will understand it and make right choices later on. From here on out, you will most assuredly know what a lot of other moms have told you I'm sure--it is much harder to parent an older child than a toddler. Don't get me wrong-that's hard too. Be blessed in all that you do. I almost forgot the most important thing--pray about this whole situation.Ask God for the wisdom and discernment to know how to handle this. He has promised to answer!

Have you told her the story about the boy who cried wolf. That is a good one for making a point about how lies can land you in trouble. I would find a comfortable statement like "Jesus only like the truth." and use it when you know that she is telling one. I keep a little girl from our church that does it and this has been working for her. It seems to make her aware that I know when it is a lie.

We have struggled with the conflict between wanting our children to behave because it's the right thing to do and realizing that sometimes they just haven't gained the maturity to do so. There is a book by Lisa Whelchel called "Creative Correction" that has some great ideas for solid Christian discipline in a way that will get their attention.

One thing we do - in addition to the explanations mentioned in other responses - is use apple cider vinegar. It's similar to the old idea of soap in the mouth, but we just put a drop of vinegar on the tongue with each lie. Then we tell them that the horrible taste of the vinegar is the taste of lying and proceed to talk about how lying "tastes" to God and to those who are told the lie. My six-year-old has really responded to this. It hasn't stopped the lies completely, but is has really curtailed them dramatically.