My 4 year old has to be told 5 times to do things, he isn't listening to his teachers, will sometimes hit if he is really frustrated, will have "stand off"s where he will not get up or leave from somewhere if he isnt getting what he wants. Are there any books or sites that will give me a clue to what is going on. Should i get him tested. Thanks so much.
Several friends and I are working through the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen book. There are practical tips on how to get your kid to respond and it might give you what you need, or at least a place to start. If he hits, then you need to address the hitting. "John, I understand you are frustrated. We do not hit people. You need to use your words."
Maria:
Tested for what? being a kid? He's 4! his memory retention (short term memory) is not that long. You can't expect him to do more than 2 tasks at a time.
At the age of 4, kids are LEARNING...their words have meaning...can hurt, can make you cry, laugh, everything....they are learning HOW to be...social skills and so much more!!! They are more "independent" - most are potty trained and want to "do it myself".
Pick your battles. if you are at a play date or the library....give him a 5 minute warning for leaving...then in 5 minutes, leave. Set the boundaries, set the rules and stick to them.
You CAN compromise with a 4 year old as well. It's part of growing up and learning...he will use the compromise skills with his friends as well as you.
Take a deep breath...set boundaries, rules, limits, give rewards (something like stickers or something) for good behavior....and ensure discipline is swift and immediate...as making him wait until he gets home is not going to matter to him...time is not a firm concept yet...5 minutes might feel like 5 HOURS to him...and if you wait - he might have forgotten the problem.
In other words, he's normal.
Good luck!
I sometimes have to tell my 14 yo 10+ times to do something;)
Your son's behavior sounds pretty typical to me. Unless a lot more is going on with your son, I don't see a reason to have him tested.
There is a book called "How to talk so kids will listen" you may want to check it out although I have not read it myself.
All 4 year olds try all of this. Something is only going on if he has been calmly and firmly disciplined (firmer than time outs if those have no effect) for these things consistently and it has had no effect. What was his discipline for ignoring you after being told ONCE to do something? EVERY TIME? What happens when he hits? EVERY TIME? What happens when he attempts a stand-off? EVERY TIME? If he has been consistently and effectively disciplined within a calm loving household since age 18 months for each of these things after a thorough explanation and warning and CONSISTENT FOLLOW THROUGH, then he may have a medical problem. If discipline has been inconsistent or fairly lax because he never used to do any of this (rare for 4-usually 3s are pretty good at all of this), this book is great, Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Once his self control is set, you can check out How to Talk So kids Will Listen.. It's good for older kids who are not out of control. But 4 is "nip it now or watch out for five!" time. Child development books will tell you it's totally normal. True! But it can be fixed. Kids are just as smart as they are difficult :)
What do his teachers think?
I don't think he needs to be tested, he just needs some tough love.
Stop telling him things 5 times. He KNOWS that you will tell him multiple times (he probably knows exactly how many times) before there is a consequence. So, he will push it to that limit every time.
From now on, tell him once and then a consequence.
I'm not even going to address hitting. That has been covered back to front on this site. Review some of the prior posts on that subject.
As for the "stand off" walk away. Leave him where he is and walk away.
What's going on is that he's got your number. He's behaving the way that's been working for him. You have to change it up so it doesn't work for him anymore.
If you're looking for resources to consider, I've heard good things about the Parenting with Love and Logic program - I believe they have a book/audio series as well as classes. John Rosemund's parenting books deal specifically with addressing and working through situations such as those you describe but he's presents very traditional parenting methods (the way those of us over 40 grew up). That may not be your cup of tea but you might find some nuggets in his books that there that are helpful. He also has a syndicated column.
