My 4 Year Old Is Acting like a Teenager...

A. S,
Have you tried to talk to her about how she is feeling about daddy being gone? I went through a simialr ordeal. Me and my kids talked a lot. Even though she is 4 she does have feelings, and may be acting out because she doesn't know how else to vent her anger. She is little, and doens't know why she feels this way, but feels it none the less. Children are smarter than we think. They just deal with their feelings differently. You may want to try that?

A., I remember going through this when my twins were that age-and my youngest son. Don't worry! It is actually quite normal...Violence was a big issue and through it I learned that as much as we try to shield our children through anything, including divorce, they know that things are not "routine" as they are used to having it. There are a lot of things to try, it sounds like you are doing everything I tried...Main thing I suggest is routine. Keep up with the rules, expectations, and consequences. Make your own routine. In regards to the eating-stick to your guns and only offer the things she can have...no exceptions-make it routine, because I learned children will not starve themselves! lol Let me know how the routine thing goes...Hope all goes well for you two.

A.,
I went through a similar situation. About 3 or 4 years ago, I went through a divorce. My husband was using drugs and alcohol. He was very mean and we fought alot, sometimes it would get violent. It took over a year for me to get my divorce. I didn't allow him to have contact with out 2 children. My son was 2 and my daughter was 9 at the time. My daughter had a real hard time with it. She acted out doing the same things your daughter is doing. It is normal, but not neccessary. I found us help through a therapist in Elk River. She was in Coon Rapids at the time, but since moved. She is absolutly wonderful! The therapist helped me help my daughter through this hard time. She worked on me and my actions and re-actions. Thus helping my daughter learn to cope and talk to me about things that were not easy to talk about. Now we have a loving relationship and she comes to me when she has problems. We work on them together. (Granted, it's not all rainbows & butterflies all the time, but it's much better now.)
Take the time to search for the RIGHT therapist that can help you and your daughter. It may seem endless and frustating, but finding the one that has helped others in the same sitation will really make a huge difference. Take the time, be patient, and focus on your daughter and finding the right one.
Good luck!
Remember, you are never alone. Others are always here to give you a helping hand if you only let them.
If you need anything, want to talk (email) about anything you are going through, just send me a note.
M.

Have you thought of trying a counselor who specializes in divorce & young children. THere are a lot of emotions they are having that they are just unable to put names on and don't really know what to do w/. When I met my DH he had gone though a very bitter divorce and had young children too. His DD was 3 going on 4 and his DS was 5 going on 6. His DD had the toughest time and now still 7 years later occasional issues arise w/ her due to it. The kids mom took them to a special counsler for children and it really helped them deal w/ their issues. They use outlets such as coloring pictures and puppets, etc to help them. Plus they sometimes spend some time w/o any parents in there (if they want to) which helps them say some things they don't feel they can say in front of them. If its not an option you can afford there should be services that are very low cost or even free offered if you call around - maybe if the county courthouse might have some options for you or even if you call a womoens shelter they may be able to direct you to some services.

Just an option that worked for our kids. You are under a lot of stress at this time - a 3rd party might really be able to help.

Your family is going through a lot of changes, and this is just how she is handling it. I was not married to my sons father, but he was very abusive to me as your husband was to you. My sons father was very controlling, and it was hard for me to get away because he was always around. One night he got too drunk, passed out, and I took the opportunity and got out. I was happy to be away from him, but at the same time wondered how it would be raising my son by myself. There were rough times, I won't lie to you. You can do this A.. I raised my son alone, and we have a very strong bond that no one can break apart. Just keep telling your daughter that you love her. She will grow to understand why you aren't with her daddy, and she will love you all the more for it. Things will straighten themselves out, it will just take time. She will see the changes in you, how much more happy you are, and not so stressed and afraid. If you ever need to talk, let me know. Take care of yourself, and hug your daughter for me.

Mt situation is a little different due to the fact that my husband passed away, but the seperation for the kids is still there. The thing that I found that works for the best for me, it to stick with a strict routine. It is harder for me to do, but I can tell the girls act up when something goes off routine. And give them as much of your attention as possible, anything thAT you can do to help them just feel "normal" still helps. Good luck and I am here to talk if needed.

It will help to get a pschologist that deals in these issues! My son needed it when he went through the same. Do not wait until she starts to get violent and angry. Take action right away to save the pain it will put you and her through. god Bless F.

I don't really have a good piece of advice since I haven't been there, but one of my bosses at work is actually having the same issues. And his divorce wasn't even harsh like yours....(it's sort of an amicable divorce...) I just think that it may be a stage or a common problem with divorce. Maybe it's a way of the child making sure that she's not losing her parent(s). I think it will help a lot if you stay calm and patient..even though it's really not easy to do.

A.-
When your daughter acts out, she gets your attention. Does she get your attention when she is not acting out? Many times you do not realize it but that is at least part of the problem. Also have you asked her about her feelings? Is she angry at you and her father? Maybe if she could talk to you or someone else she trust(which might be better) she could use her words not actions. My son (7) and daughter (4) both act up when they want my undivided attention or if they are mad at me about something. You may also want to check out the book or movie 1,2,3 Magic at the library. It has worked wonders for me!

As far as her father goes... if he is or was abusive to you or your child I would hope that something is being done about it(besides the divorce). There are so many resources and so much support out there. Stand up and don't be afraid to do something about it even though it may be hard because he is the father of your child. Violent people don't change if nothing is done and if he spends time with your daughter alone I would be worried for her safety.

I hope that you can use some of my advice and I wish you luck and happiness.

T. B.

As for your childs behavior, I can't really say anything to help. But for your situation with the violence and bad separation, if you ever need anyone to talk to about it I've been through a lot of that kind of stuff with my son's father. I moved here from Michigan 3 years ago to get away from my son's father so we could have a chance at a good, healthy, safe life.

A.,

The things your daughter is doing is normal. She is upset her daddy is gone and that the two of you are fighting. You cannot hide the obvious from children, they pick up on the smallest things. My recommendation is to be there for her, ask her how she is feeling about what is happening, ask her to draw a picture about it if she cannot use words explaining. Make sure you correct her, firmly but without over reacting, that will just make matters worse. Call a doctor or therapist and ask them what they recommend, your daughter needs an outlet too. I hope things improve soon for you and your family.

H..

As you accurately perceived, your child is reacting to the big changes happening in her life and will continue to do so until she feels more settled, safe, and consistency has returned for her. It would be beneficial to her to give her the time and space to talk about how she feels about the changes. Open it up to her by saying "I know you know that Mom and Dad dont live together anymore and that things are different...." move from there by asking her what she thinks, what this means to her. Label some emotions for her, "you can feel mad, sad, confused, worried, etc". Then give her appropriate outlets for those emotions, stomp on pillows when mad, get a hug if you feel scared. Reassure her that what is going on is grown up work and the grown ups will take care of it, she needs to keep working on the kid stuff, going to daycare, watching over her favorite stuffed animal. Even though things changed for mom and dad, mom and dad's feelings for her will never change. If she seems to be particularly acting up after a visit or a change in her routine, call her on it. "I wonder if feeling mad about ending your visit with dad and thats why you dont want to eat dinner." Good luck!

Hi! My name is Jenni and I used to be a family therapist before I decided to stay home with my kids. A couple suggestions:
Build in lots of positive, fun time with your daughter, as well as lots of positive reinforcement (Good job, I like it when...) . She's probably feeling angry, confused, scared, etc., so the more time you spend doing fun things- playing, reading, whatever she likes- the more she'll feel loved.

Try to stick to a daily schedule. Kids like routine, especially when there's been such a major disruption.

Insurance usually covers therapy, so you might want to look into finding a play therapist. Children often act out their feelings through play, so children as young as 2 have been successful with play therapy.

Good Luck!