My 3 Year Old Resorts to Physically Hurting Herself in Order to Get Her Way!

Maybe talk to her doctor they might have some great advice for you . Or they will lead you in the right direction

Sounds crazy but ignore and leave the room as if you do not care... she will figure out that she will not get any atention that way in no time!!! Dopn't even say a word, just look away and leave!!! It works!!! Trust me!!! Love, G.. :0)
P.S. She does it to bug you... because that is the way she punishes you, but when she figures out you don't care... her number is out!!!

I think it's important that you both tell and demonstrate to your daughter that it's your job to keep her safe and that you will not allow her to hurt herself.

I am a firm believer that young children's behavior is a communication of their needs -- though it's sometimes challenging to figure out what the underlying need is, there is always a reason. And it is your job as her parent to lovingly address that need.

If I were you, I would definitely talk to a child psychologist about this - both in terms of understanding your child's needs (so that you can meet them and thus avoid this behavior) and in terms of figuring out how to deal with it on your adult level.

It sounds like her behavior is out of the ordinary - an exaggerated version of a child acting out to get attention. And self-inflicted harm is, I believe, almost always related to self-esteem.

The hurting of herself seems a little out of normal range for my experience. It would be good to check with the pediatrician to check that out. A behavioral psychologist could help if the pediatrician thinks it is out of normal range and if s/he cannot help you work it out. I think it is important to do your best to keep her from hurting herself and remove her from the public area in the house if she won't stop. Kids want attention whether negative or positive. Limit attention around tantrums as long as she is safe. The other really great tool is to catch her doing things right and praise her specifically about what she is doing right and thank her for doing so. Pay lots of attention when she does what is expected and what you want her to do.

Oh yea, make sure she does not get what she wants if she has a tantrum and never let a tantrum get you to change your plans to what she wants. Stay your course.

Once my son had a tantrum and really hurt me because he didn't want to go to the beach with me and our dog. I won't go into details but suffice it to say his behavior was outrageous. I kept on course when I had finally had it and held his hand to keep going on the beach. I directed him to play while I threw the ball for the dog. It was a great breakthrough and his behavior improved enormously after that. But I have to be vigilant and remember not to let his bad behavior dictate a change in my program.
Tricia

No, I wouldn't say this was normal. Have you taken her to the doctor? She could have some sort of medical problelm. She sounds very frustrated, poor thing. I think I would model loving yourself. Help her learn to soothe herself when she is upset. Some kids suck their thumbs, some cry for a while to cope. I do think she is trying to control you. I would make a padded area and put her in it until the tantrum is over. Sit and watch her but do nothing else. Try redirecting her attention when you sense a tantrum coming, get out the playdough, etc. Oh, and give her choices in her life. She can pick out her clothes, help with menu selection, etc. always make her feel that she is being heard, but make it clear that Mom and Dad are in charge. period.

My daughter used to SCREAM so loudly out of frustration. We just sort of covered our ears and eventually she stopped doing it. At 15 she still lets one out from time to time. Try to keep your sense of humor. Good luck.

I saw something like this on Dr. Phil and it is a very disturbing sign. It could mean that the child is "self punishing". This could be a more deep seeded emotional issue. Maybe not but still, I'd start with a pediatrician and never ignore her. When she starts this behavior I would grab her up right away and hug her as tightly as I could and tell her "Please don't hurt Lilly (her name), I love her too much to see her hurt." Positive reinforcement may jolt her enough to redirect the outburst. She wants your attention obviously. Whether you scream or hug...she'll get it.
Best of luck to you.

Add on: I just read another mom's response that said you should ignore her and leave the room because she just does it to annoy you. Um, when your child is in any physical danger DO NOT LEAVE THE ROOM and I don't believe for one minute that a 3.5 year is maliciously plotting against you. She is expressing herself within her limited capacity. She has words and actions. Not the reasoning, compromising, soul searching introspective and understanding skills/strategies we adults have. Sure she's frustrated!

P.,
I know what you are going through, my daughter did a similiar thing when she was three and a half.( we had just moved to California and she was in a comletely new enviroment I am not sure if it was the move or her age) But she would scream, flop down onto the floor and bang her arms, legs and head all the while screaming at the top of her lungs to get what she wanted. I took her to the Dr, who said it was just the terrible two's and she would outgrow it. She didn't have any advice for handling the situation. This is what ended up working for me. When she would start to "act out" I would hold her tightly in a bear hug so that she couldn't hit herself or me and wait her out. There were times at the store that I would have to pin her to the ground to keep her from hurting herself. It took about a week for things to improve and about three months for the behavor to stop completelty. Once she realised that it wasn't getting her what she wanted she found not interest in doing it agian, instead she moved on to whinning. For you daughter I would check with her doctor just to make sure there isn't anything else going on and then either ignore the behavior or if you are concerend about her harming herself hold her so that she can't reach her hair to pull it, or punch herself. While you are doing this talk to her about what has her upset and what an ok way to express that is. My second daughter never did this, but to get her way she would get herself so upset that she would vomit. She will grow out of this at some point.
Good luck
Amanda

First let me start off by saying that there is nothing WRONG with your child! This specific behavior may not be desired, or what most would call “normal”, but the bottom line is that she is acting out, and the IS normal!! With some girls around this age who are especially bright and have large vocabularies, what happens is they become overwhelmed trying to express their emotions. Even though she knows all the words to express her needs and wants, she doesn’t know how to form the sentences as fast as her brain is feeling them. My three year old, from the time she was very young, has a similar reaction when she gets hurt. She screams and hits me when I am trying to comfort her. I had to reevaluate how I was “helping” her and figure out how she needed to be helped.

With your situation one thing I would try is to get down to her level when she starts hurting herself. Stop the behavior by holding her firmly so there is eye contact between you and her and ask her why she is hurting herself. Ask her to use her words and tell you what is wrong. It is important that she know that you understand she is angry and upset, but that you can not help her if she does not talk to you. Then in simple, but adult terms you need to explain to her that sometimes you don’t always get your way and that is no reason for such behavior. Also if applicable try to explain to her why you are not going to let her have what she wants so she understands next time you say no there is probably a reason and she will one day stop and want to know the reason instead of throwing a tantrum. “Popsicles are sugar and sugar is not good for a growing girl. These are treats and after you eat a nutritious meal maybe you can have one.”

If on the other hand she does not react well to the holding firmly with eye contact approach, then you need to leave the room. If you stay and watch the behavior, she knows that you will give in eventually and she will win. She needs to learn to stop herself and learn to control her own behavior. If you are afraid of her hurting herself then pick her up, by one leg if need be, and place her in a safe room, like her bedroom, and walk away. She needs to know that until she stops that negative behavior she will NOT get your attention. Consistency is key!!

Also the school can not ignore this behavior, so you need to bite it in the butt hard at home, because it may be reenfourced at school. Once you find something that works at home, you can communicate to the school how they need to approach the situation and it won't take long to change her bahavior at school once it is changed at home.

OH man, that has to be hard!
My son would get so mad/frustrated/whatever that he would turn blue, stop breathing and PASS OUT! Talk about freaking out....we spoke to the doctor about it and she told us to ignore it as much as possible. That we should be near during the episode to make sure he did not inadvertantly hurt himself; but to ignore it. (You should have seen the looks I would get when he would do that to me in public and people thought I was ignoring my dying child)

Our doctor told us he would grow out of it and he did; but it was one long year.

I think our kids will do what ever works....if they cry and get a response...they will cry again. IT sounds like your daughter has learned how to escalate her tantrum b/c she know eventually she will get your attention one way or the other.

They will not do something that is not working...they will move on to a different way to torment us parents (LOL)
I know it is really hard; but it is likely a phase she is going through and when she realizes that you are not going to 'fall' for it...she will move on.

Good Luck!

Hi!
Many kids throw tantrums if they can't get their way, especially when they are spoiled. I don't mean to be rude, but if she is hurting herself like that, maybe you need to see her pediatrian and get a referal to a to some sort of specialist, to help figure out why she is doing this and to help you and your daughter, to deal with this in another way. Maybe she saw something on tv or something. I don't know. But this kind of behaviour is not right, and it might be better to get help so that both you and your daughter can learn to handle the situation better.

I just wanted to say *hugs* because I cannot imagine how scary this must be for you!! Do you know any pediatric psych people? This sounds very extreme!

Go to your Pediatrician and have your daughter evaluated to find out if this is just bad beh avior or something medical. My very bright nephew also exhibited self injuring behavior when he felt things weren't fair...basically when he wasn't getting what he wanted. After years of dealing with this, he was later diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. As a pre-teen he still has occasional issues with fairness and physically acting out when he believes something is not fair, which sometimes is just not getting his way.

I hope I haven't scared you, but you and your child need to find the true root of this behavioral problem. If it is a medical/psychological problem, she will be better off to get treatment and proper assistance from you and her school early.

If her issue is just behavioral, you have been given lots of good advice from others on dealing with it. Wishing you the best.

Sounds like she's really smart and is somehow getting what she wants. Kids trying to act out is normal, but if she's doing something repeatedly then it must be working for her somehow. Her behavior is getting her (her way, attention, whatever.) She will eventually stop if you stop giving her what she wants. Who wants to hurt themselves?! She'll figure it out. Stay strong.