My 3 Year Old Going Through Divorce Problems?

You and your little girl have experienced a lot of changes. I whole-heartedly agree that you should find a reputable child therapist or psychologist for her. In addition, IMHO YOU need to get some counseling as well, or at the very least find a support group to connect with in your area.
There a many good resources at your disposal, so take advantage of them during your time of adjustment, grieving, and trying cope with all that's going on in your life.
After my grandson's daddy died, he was just shy of turning three, and his behavior changed dramatically, showing fits of anger, acting out with violence, bouts of crying, etc. The best thing that happened was a fantastic counselor my daughter found, and she interacted with the family, since daughter and grandson were living with us. She gave us good sound advice, worked with my grandson, and we learned how to "defuse" and communicate with him at HIS level. We saw extraordinary results after only two or three sessions, and after 3 months of weekly visits, then two monthly sessions, she signed him off, but told us to call her whenever we had any issues concerning our grandson.
YOU are also suffering, whether you are able to acknowledge the depth of it or not, you've had to deal with the loss of a marriage, a husband and provider, the transition of having to move, stay with family, look for employment, etc. So don't neglect YOU either!!
My own experiences have taught me to not be afraid to seek help. It can lift the burden, help you understand your own feelings, and give you valuable tools to use the rest of your life, coping skills, and can elevate your self-confidence.
God Bless and hope all turns out well for you and your little one.
Oh, I want to add that being near to extended family is usually a big plus, as you can build a support system between them, your friends, and church, assisting you with going forward with your life.

Children are sooo smart and so intuitive. Her whole world was turned upside down and she has absolutely no control over any of it. My daughter went through the same thing when I divorced my ex-husband. We had been living in Germany (also military!) and moved back. She started having horrible temper tantrums and was so angry. She knew I was going through a hard time and her dad wasn't around since he was still in. She was only 4. I tried everything - the only thing that helped was taking her out on the porch one day and just crying with her and letting her know I understood. Our children often suffer from our decisions - even if they are good decisions - they just don't know it. I wouldn't go to the bi-polar thing right now - she is just hurting and doesn't know how to express it. Get her to talk, get her to understand you understand. Make her days as routine as possible. I don't know your marriage situation - why you broke up - but if at all possible - work together for her - it really is.

It sounds like she is acting out b/c her world isn't as solid as it used to be. When my husband deploys my two girls start acting up, and getting upset over tiny things. It sounds similar. I think that she might benefit from a definate schedule, less time moving around, and reassurance that 1. daddy loves her very much, and 2. No one else in her life is going to leave her. Maybe you can treat it a little like a deployment, having a picture of daddy close, and talking to her on her level about what is going on. If you haven't already, she may just be scared and confused. I hope this helps! Good luck!

M.,

I do agree that counseling should be the first step. We went through this for a LONG time with my step son. His mom was a druggie and there was alot of back and forth and it was a mess. He used the "bad" behavior to get attention. I realize there isn't another "man" in YOUR life, but divorce is divorce. We went through counseling and the counselor told us to reward the positive and ignore the negative. She told us that he only knew how to respond negatively and we had to teach him to use his words. We made "YEA" charts and they really worked. It did take a time to get use to, but we had to have everyone help out. We also, during this time, had to put him in daycare. He had never been around other kids before. We asked the teachers to help with positive praise also. It went so far as to having accidents again.. soon they stopped as well. I also agree that you might want a little help as well. My DH and I also went to counseling to not only understand what we were going through, but to understand how our "blended" family would be affected by this. Keep her busy with crafts and projects. When children are "bored" they tend to respond in a negative manner for attention. Keep her on a routine no matter who has for the day or night. She also needs consistant discipline. This was our big mistake. We knew he was hurting inside and didn't want to punish him for the divorce. Our therapist said if we continued to ignore "serious" negative behavior now, he would think he would always get away with it and could cause problems as he got older. I'm not sure if any of this is any help to you.. Pick your battles is pretty much what we do. He is 8 now and not nearly as bad as he was. Good luck and if you ever need to talk.. feel free to message me. Hang in there.. you can do it. :)

Hey M., I will try and give you the best advice I can give you. All I can say is, just hug her, let her know that you know she's confused, ask her to try and talk to you about what's bothering her. I know at her age feelings are hard to describe. Explain the best way you can what anger is, she may understand more than you think. She needs a lot of attention and she needs to know that her daddy still loves her no matter what. Just because her mommy and daddy aren't together doesn't mean that she isn't loved by either parent. She needs a lot of comfort and patience. Something that my mom did to my sister and I after she left my dad, she never gave us much attention. She was just full of hatred for what their marraige was like. She too was angry and that made us angry. Just be there for her. Hug her a lot, kiss her a lot, TALK to her alot. Just because she's 3 doesn't mean she can't start to talk about her feelings. The more she talks about her feelings, the more she'll understand her feelings. Not that you'll do this mind you but NEVER EVER talk about her daddy negativley in front of her. Never say bad things that happened in the past, if they did that is. She could be going through or she could eventually go through a fear of abdondment or separation anxiety. If you reinforce the positive, she'll make it through this just fine. She may even not have any major anxiety problems. I know this his a very hard time for the both of you and I wish you the best for the rest of your lives. She may always wish that her mommy and daddy were together and have the hope that one day you'll get back together. Don't feel bad if this doesn't happen. It's totally normal for her to feel this way. I wished my parents would get back together well into my high school years and they were both remarried and still are. I don't have that hope any more but I just wanted you to know that if your daughter comes to you and says I wish you'd get back together with daddy, that isn't uncommon for her to want that. Take care and God bless you!! J. A.

I dont want to sound mean but how often did her dad see her before? Is she just playing off your feelings? I am a military spouse also and I can tell you my guy is gone a lot. I know at 3 she may just be starting the sassy girl stuff. That is normally when it starts. LOL...it only gets better. If she is used to being with just you and your husband mabye she needs to feel the security that you are not going to leave like daddy did. Instead of letting her stay with grandmas and grandpas keep her with you. When she is settled into the situation then it may be easier for her to stay somewhere else. I dont know how your husbands schedule is but I know if me and my husband seperated it would be difficult for him to see the kids at all. It is hard for him when we are together. Their schedules are wacked out with the trainings and here lately the deployments. My youngest is 4 yrs old and he has probably only seen him about 2 yrs of his life. It is a military life. I knew this when I married him and support him 100%. My kids dont feel any different about him then any other kids feel about their dad. When he is here he is with them as much as possible. You never know when the next training is going to be...or the next deployment. Have you talked to your husband about seeing her more often? It is important that even if you are getting a divorce that communication stays open. You two are splitting but have the responsiblility of your little girl together. Forget court ordered every other weekend and let her go when he can see her. In the end she will thank you for not Xing her dad out of her life. I know I like the fact that when my mom and dad divorced they were much better friends then. We went even on school days to stay with our dad if we wanted to. He made sure we got to school. Something to think about!

Hi M., I'm K.. I have 5 children myself and have had some experience with this. Separation /Divorce affects the whole family, not just the parents. Even at 3 she is perceptive of her surroundings and can sense your anxiety, fear, lonliness, anger, etc. Since she's so bright she may blame Daddy for going away from HER. Acting out is extremely normal and so is her demeanor with her dad. Criticism from her peers or others is kind of like being "rejected" all over again. I would be diligent in observing her behavior in any situation so you can praise her for the good things she's done. Refuse to trash her dad to her, around her or if you know she can hear. If your ex is anything like what I've got(sounds very familiar in every way) he'll dig his own hole with her over time. They notice when one parent stays mum about adult issues and the other dives right in with trash talk during a visit. I highly recommend a Child Psychologist if you have great insurance. They could really help her with play and talk therapy. Good Luck and many Blessings on you and your sweet child.

its a stage my daughter went through that too. she would cry anytime some one said something she didnt agree with. just give her all the love you can and you all will pull through.ps dont force her to see her father if she doesnt want to dont make her. its not good for her to be forced into something where she isnt comfortable.

M., my very best to you. It sounds like you are both dealing with alot of changes right now. Have you considered having her speak to a counselor? I know at this age, most people are going to read this and go "what!" But as a nurse, kids can also have problems adapting and need someone that they can talk to, besides mommy. Also keep in mind, she is feeling your stress and pain, even if you are not showing it. Kids are so intuitive, I just wish my own would apply that knowledge sometimes! It can also be the age. Acting out, and sassiness tends to start around this age. Add the stress of daddy not being around...if he was around at all with the military...and it can be hard on her. I say that about the military because after a month or two of a deployment, my 4 yr old doesn't want to talk to daddy on the phone, either. Not because he is mad at him but because he has been out of his "life" and he has other things going on at the time. Try not to worry to terribly much and keep her talking about friends and fun things. Distractions can be a God-send during times like these, even for you. Never hurts to find someone for her to talk to. The military is covering alot of behavioral health issues for families, if you are still covered I would contact Tricare or her primary doctor and see what could be done. Usually, mental health issues arise a little later in life, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I think it's just been alot of changes lately. Best of luck and if you ever need to talk, give me a buzz. I'm a military spouse, myself with 2 daughters and a son. It's a different way of life and can be tough to change out of too. Take care

Because of the different issues with which you are dealing with: relocation, job hunting, a history of mental illness, husband requesting the divorce, ie. I would suggest that you seek counseling for your daughter quickly. I would not be concerned that she has "inherited" any mental illness, but as a counselor I know that what we truly inherit are poor coping skills which lead to mental illness. It is best for her to get help now to learn how to deal with the divorce, relocation, and any other issues that may be stressing her. At age 3, there is a lot she does not understand and a lot that she needs. I would not suggest that you try to give it all to her yourself. You should get her some counseling, lots of love and support, and answer any questions (age-appropriately of course) that she may have.