My 3 yr old daughter has decided that she should tell me what to do and that she dont have to do what i tell her to do, she hasnt started doin this until recently...if i tell her no she cant do something she will say yes i can and try anyway. I stick with my rules and try timeout which doesnt work long. It isnt easy to keep her in timeout she starts screaming cryin and ends up getting so upset she vomits. I dont know what to do. she is my first child and i am home with her 24/7. she doesnt stay with any family over night or even for a little while. i was in a car wreck when she was almost 2 and was hospitalized almost 2 weeks and every since i cant get a break. how can i contol her temper tantrums without spankings because they do not work and how do i get her to understand that if she stays somewhere that mommy will be back and that i wont be gone for wks again????
well im doin my best to use ur suggestions and i agree with u all completly...but there is one thing i forgot to add...the whole leaving her somewhere situation.. not as easy as it could be, my problem is not only her not wanting to stay nowhere but also that i have noone to leave her with like that anywhere close to me. all my family and friends r atleast 2 hours away or more and we are new to theodore and havent met any new people yet. so i agree i need to do it soon and learn her that when i leave ill be right back but i have noone to help with this part... and daycare... its a good thing but when u are new to somewhere u dont no what daycares u can trust and cant so what do i do....suggestions? Please?????????
Try the 1-2-3 magic I started doing it for my 2 kids ages almost 7 and 3 and it works for most of the time if not I put them into there rooms till they can obey me. Plus it has to be an age thing cause my daughter who is 3 does this sometimes.
Let me correct one thing you said: spankings DO work; you just have to be consistent. Try leaving her with someone for first an hour, then 2 hours, etc. It is unhealthy for you to be with her 24/7. She will first cry when you drop her off, but after you leave, I've seen this time and time again, the tears STOP! I've worked in daycare for years, now I work as an RN in an Emergency Room. The crying WILL stop, you need to make the good-bye short and sweet. Try one hug and kiss, remind her that mommy will be back in an hour, and LEAVE. Do not turn back when she screams, which she will. This is kid's way of trying to make parents feel guilty! And it works. But be strong, you can do it! When you return, give her lots of hugs and kisses and tell her how much you missed her. Then do something special together, she will remember this, and next time you leave her she will have good memories from the first time you left her. Hope this helps!
Sounds like you have a "diva" in your house. I have 3 kids, and my 3 yr old daughter is a classic textbook diva as well. You're going to have to suck it up and leave her. She will only know that you're coming back because you do-and it may take several times to ease her fears. You need a break, so find a relative or friend with miles of paitence to help you out. As for the dramatic behavior, I use a "distract and ignore" approach most of the time. I don't make her sit at the table every time. I praise her when she's good, and when we're out and about, and she starts throwing a fit, we are done with fun for that day. Good new is they eventually grow out of it-my oldest son was very emotional, and he's so calm and well behaved now-and he's only nine!
When it comes to leaving her, you will have to sooner or later, I would start with taking her to a friends house that would babysit for you and let her play on her own while you spend some time with the friend/family member. Next time you go, she will be familiar with the place and you can leave her for a while. Just for like maybe 2 hours or something, and work up slowly, basically build her trust that you will be back soon everytime.
try 1-2-3 Magic.
I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.
Example:
When your daughter tells you she is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?
This works with discipline too...
When your daughter shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.
The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.
My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!
Good luck!!!
To a 3 year old, actions speak louder than words. When you tell her to do something and she says, "No" then she needs to go to timeout everytime it happens and soon she will realize that "no" is not an acceptable answer. You are just going to have to go places without her and come back for her to realize that you will not be gone for weeks again. Go for short time periods at first, maybe 1 hour, when you get back home make a big deal about it(Mommy's home sweetheart and give her a big hug). After awhile she will realize that you will always be back and will no longer care when you leave.
Good Luck!
First let me commend you on recognizing the result of spanking WILL NOT WORK! So many people confuse the resulting fear after a spanking with respect and tragically continue the practice of violence against the child.
It is wonderfull that you have recognized the anxiety that has been created by your long and unexpected absence and it is great that you are willing to confront this before she starts school.
I would advise you to spend a few weeks looking for an experianced child care worker to help you with this. Have this person come spend time with you and your daughter in you home. Start at first with about an hour a day every day and increase the time spent by an hour a week till you build to about 4 hours. While she is there the three of you play games and do other activites together. Ask your daughter to help you and the worker complete tasks, this will build her confidence. If the worker is willing to make sandwiches or help your daughter with any thing let her but always be by her side so she can build trust in you and the worker.
Then give your daughter your car keys while you do an activity some where else in or around the house and the two of them play together out of site of you. She will want to go check on you and that is ok for a while but then give the worker a timer and set the timer to check on you at certain times, then only when she asks, then x number of minuets after she asks, gradually extending the time daily.
When she stops checking on you for a few days ask for your keys and say you have to move the car. Move the car a short distance visable from the front door and get out and come back to the house returning the keys to your daughter. Slowly increase the frequncy and distance as she is comfortable. It is normal to have to repeat steps after progressing forward. It is important that you do not push her comfort levels to far and you should focus on keeping yourself calm.
Since this is a psycological problem it may not be a bad idea to consult a child psycologist for additional advice.
Patience and stength,
L.
