I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, but I thought I would ask for some opinions. We use time-out for our older son (3 yrs in June). Here's the way it used to work... he would do the unwanted behavior (ex. hit), we would put him in time-out and he would cry. We expect him to stay seated in his time-out and will restart the time if he gets out. Then, when the 3 minutes are up, I will go over to him and ask him to come by me. I sit down on the floor and ask him why he was in time-out, he tells me ("I hit Mama".) I explain that he shouldn't do what he did and why ("It's not nice to hit. When you hit, it hurts like when you get an owie.") Then I will ask him to repeat it ("Say, 'No hitting. I'm sorry Mama.'") He will and then hugs and kisses and "love you's". Done.
The past couple of weeks or so we will put him in time-out and he will be upset about it. When the 3 minutes are up I will ask him to stand-up to come talk to me. At that point, he refuses and will say, "No. Stay in time-out."
Just curious how you would handle this...
Edited to add: We only use time-outs for a few instances. Hitting, jumping on the couch (which he has stopped doing), screaming to get what he wants (we give a warning on this and try to get him to ask nicely, first). He probably gets like one or two TO's a week. Not that I'm saying he's an angel by any means. He's 3 - but he does respond well to us asking him not to do something.
I agree that this is a power struggle. Everything is at this point. It doesn't seem that he wants to "own up" and apologize for his actions so he would rather stay in time-out.
As for jealousy of the baby, there is very very little. I'm not just saying that blindly, other people have told me that after being around them together. He's really good to Ryan, shares toys, food and affection. We give a lot of one on one time with both boys and we ask Jacob (3 y/o) who he would rather do something with ("Do you want to brush teeth with Mom or Dad?") We ask him before just plopping Ryan down by him to play ("Jacob can Ryan play with you?" Can Ryan sit on your couch with you?"); 95% of the time he eagerly says Yes.
Thanks for the responses. What we have been doing is letting him sit in time-out and when he tries to get out, I ask him to come over by me. (He knows it's time for the "talk" part of it.) And, if he refuses, he stays in TO. He isn't allowed to leave TO until he talks to me (or Dad - whomever put him in there) and apologizes.
Thanks again. :)
My son does the same thing and i say "ok, if you think you need more time. let me know when you're ready" and he immediatly gets up ; )
Classic power struggle--repeated many times in our house. My response has always been "Okey doke. Your choice girlfriend..sit there as long as you like but you are not getting out of time out until you appologize for your behavior". Sometimes she'd sit there and pout for a while, sometimes she'd sit there and then jump up and try to play. Those were always "so much fun" because she would suddenly find out Mommy and Daddy didn't forget the promise that she had to say she was sorry. Just a tip for you---the tyranical threes are much worse than the terrible 2's. Good luck!
I'm wondering if this is a power struggle? I would extend his time out another 3 min and then do the same routine that you do normally. I wonder how long he will sit for?
Good Luck ;)
I agree with you that it is just a way for him to maintain some control. My two have done really well with timeouts. We have done TOs for them and for their toys or whatever they may be fighting over. Both have gone through the phase of wanting to stay in TO versus apologizing, esp if the apology will go to the sibling. At that point, we hand them the timer and tell them to bring it to us when they are ready. Takes a little time, but they eventually come out, hand the timer over, do the apologies, etc and we all move on.
I may be totally off by this but I will throw it out here anyhow!
Could it be that since you had the baby he is trying to get more attention. The baby cries and you go to him so maybe when it is time for him to come out of time out he wants you to come to him as well?!?!? His way of reassuring himself that you love him if you do.
I think if I was in this situation I would go to him and talk. This way he feels he has some kind of control as well- he is at that age.
I can not imagine raising two little ones so close together! Pat yourself on the back for keeping your sanity! lol
Many blessings and good luck with your situation!
My 2 yr old did the EXACT same thing. I said fine, you have time out for 2 more minutes and I walked away, we repeated this at least 3 times and finally he said sorry and he wanted to be out of time out. Do not make it his decision when his time out is over. If he wants to stay there his should stay there until his 3 more minutes is up, and 3 more if need be. My little guy didn't do it again and he really tends to push his boundries.
Good luck!
Consequence without explanation is like marriage without romance.
It doesn't work.
He is learning to push your buttons. Time to put on your schoolteacher face.
As a teacher of early childhood, it's damn hard to reason with lil ones.
So make the consequences clear.
Be consistent, no matter how stressed you are.
What does your child really like? Take it away if time outs don't work.
Make a chart on the fridge.
Reinforce POSITIVE behavior.
Explain WHY hitting is wrong.
Then a brief time-out will work.
3 year olds have an attention span of a gnat.
Remember that.
