My 11 Year Old Daughter Has Become Non-emotional, Detached, Argumentative Etc.

Hang in there it's definitely a phase! Just be there for her and don't "push" right now. All part of growing up! She will come back around! All the best to you!

I think you have to re-think your positions on a few things.

First of all, parents love all their children. So having more kids doesn't mean there's less loving going on, and having a single child doesn't mean you love more. You're making it sound like you are more invested in your child than others are in their own children.

Second, she's a tween and the hormones are kicking in. I'm sure you weren't perfect to your parents at that age. None of us was. Nature is helping her grow and learn to be more independent. You want that! You really do! She's going to need to talk more to teachers, manage her own social relationships, and not tell you every little thing. You need to make that happen, not get in her way. If we keep our kids too dependent, too "little" for too long, they fail miserably in the working world and in college. Read up on helicopter parenting and the newest term, "lawnmower parenting," where parents make everything too easy by mowing a path through the obstacles their children will face.

You're giving your child adult responsibility in an area where she shouldn't have it: taking care of your emotional needs. That is not her job, not for one second! You're the adult, so you don't get to be vulnerable and put that on her. If you've vulnerable and need support, you see a counselor. Nothing wrong with that, and it's the thing that strong people will do.

But an 11 year old with a phone and a TV habit is old enough to do chores. A child too young and immature to do reasonable chores is too immature to have a smart phone. You pay for these things, you take them away. But you have to be strong enough to not take her anger as an insult to you personally. You must rise above that. The message you give her is, "It's your choice whether to have a phone, sleepovers, TV time and computer time. The way you get these things is by doing X, Y and Z. Again, it's your choice." People work for a salary, they work for grades, they work for privileges and spending money. If she doesn't do her chores, it will be her choice to lose her phone. Simple.

Make a list of the chores. Let her cross off one or two that she truly hates and keep the rest, adding 1 or 2 more to replace what she crossed off. You can allow a little negotiation, but no whining about how burdened she is. So if she crosses off "toilet cleaning" but substitutes doing her own laundry, fine. If there's an hour of down time after school (including phone games and TV), maybe that's fine, but after that, she has responsibilities. Take the phone, and absolutely check her texts and apps, and tell her that as long as she's a minor, you're checking things for her protection. If she doesn't like it, take the phone. There is zero reason why an 11 year old NEEDS a phone. She just doesn't. Maybe it's a convenience for you on occasion, but so what? You didn't have a phone at 11, right? You managed.

What I think you have to let go of is making her do a ton of things with you. She doesn't want to take a walk with you? Fine, let it go. She doesn't want to be in a movie theater with her parents because that's too baby-ish? Fine. Let it go. She wants to clean her room on Sunday instead of Saturday? Fine. Let it go. She doesn't make her bed every day? Fine. Let it go. She wants to disrespect you and backtalk you? Not fine. She wants to demand that you make her lunch because she's watching TV and she wants you to do her laundry because she needs such-and-such a shirt for tomorrow? Not fine. Make some sensible choices and set sensible standards, without letting your need for her adoration get in the way. She loves you. She does. She's not showing it right now. That's okay. They come around.

Welcome to the terrible tweens.

It's normal, mom. One of mine did this at 11, and the other one at 12 years, one week and 2 days. I'm really not kidding. I thought at the time, at least I had my sweet boy for one year more than his older brother...

Nobody told me this back then, so I will tell you and hope that you will believe me. STOP taking this personally. Stop being upset. It's normal development. That doesn't mean that you have to like it, but you DO need to stop seeing it as a personal slight.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk things through, and make sure you are both on the same page in terms of your expectations of her. You have to present a united front.

Once that is done, have a meeting with her and tell her that you expect her to do her chores and spend time with the family. You expect her to be a part of the family and when she doesn't listen, there will be a consequence. Tell her that chores come first. TV and phone privileges come AFTER. She has to earn her TV and phone privileges. Same thing goes for other activities that she likes.

Stand firm. You hold the keys to her freedom. Be consistent. Don't yell. DON'T CRY! If she talks ugly to you, don't take it. March her to her room and tell her that when she decides to speak nicely to you, she can come out of her room.

I promise you that if you let her get to you, she wins. She is testing you to see how far she can go. Don't let her go far. If you do, it will get worse. When it goes too far, THEN it passes the realm of normal.

"I am feeling very vulnerable and I am taking it very personally.".
"I am so upset and completely at a loss about this".
Please talk to a counselor about this.
You need to get over feeling like this is all about you so you can listen to and act on the guidance from a professional about how to talk to and handle your daughters issues.
It would be good if if your husband was part of this too.

"She won't listen, she won't do her chores, all she wants to do is what she wants to do. "
Perks like phone, devices, recreational computer time, tv, etc should be constantly earned by good behavior like doing her school work and completing chores.
If she doesn't earn any fun things - then she gets none.
You gave her these things and yes you can totally take them away.
Furthermore - you monitor her use, who she's talking/texting to and what she's viewing.
And you TELL her that you will be monitoring her use - full disclosure right up front - and then follow through with actually doing it.
You pay for these things and she's not entitled to privacy.

When my son was about 5 or 6 he told me he didn't want to help me with chores.
I said
"You think I want to do things like cooking and laundry and cleaning toilets?
Life is full of things that no one wants to do.
Not wanting to do them is irrelevant - they need to be done.
When everyone helps, the work gets done faster and then we can all relax and have some fun.
If I can't sit down - then nobody sits down until the work is finished.".
Fortunately he saw the light and he wasn't difficult about it.

At 11 yrs old she's totally capable of doing her own laundry - our son started doing his at that age.
Show her how once.
Talk her through it a few times as she does it so she's going through the motions.
And then her laundry is her responsibility.

She'll be an adult in 7 short years - she needs to start learning these things now.

She may be reacting to your being upset about this. No kid wants to feel responsible for their parent's feelings - that's quite a burden right? My husband's mother was (still is) like this. Everything he does in life, she takes as a reflection of herself. He grew up - wanted to hang with his friends or do his own thing (he's very independent) and his mother took it as a personal affront.

I'm not saying that's you - but just watch you don't go there. It's a real burden on a kid.

Sometimes we push people away when we have expectations of them.

I would just back off a bit and see if that helps. At this age, some of this is very common. Wanting to spend time alone or with friends over parents in quite common. How are you communicating your feelings with her? If she can sense that you are stressed or upset, she'll react by pulling away more.

I would try engaging in things she likes. She may not want to take a walk or ride a bike. How about watching a show she enjoys, or taking her to the mall, or playing a game she's into? My kids were less about doing family stuff at that age, and we had to keep switching it up.

As for the not doing chores and being argumentative - just have rules, no electronics, friends, etc. until chores are done - argue, you can cool off in your room, or don't get to participate in x,y,z until change attitude, etc. and be consistent. Again, some of this is normal.

Why is she anywhere near a tv or phone if she has not done her chores?

In my opinion, the order of how to spend time when not in school is: schoolwork most important, chores second importance (and the importance of a good night's sleep is mixed in there). TV and phone have *no* importance, those are earned treats.

So unless she is not doing chores because she is spending all of her time doing schoolwork, overwhelmed by schoolwork - there is no excuse for not doing her chores.

When she is grown and earning a salary and living in her own space, she can decide how often she wants to do laundry and how often she wants to relax about chores and instead play on her phone. But for now, she needs to go along with your schedule.

As for walking together or bike rides together - that will return in time, give it a few years - for now just make it clear that you expect her to act kind to her family, be generally pleasant at dinner etc.

He, he, he ... she sounds 11 to me! I'm not sure what you mean by "non-emotional" but the rest sounds about right. This is a time in her life when she can do many, many things for herself, so when you try to be a parent, she begins to resent it and feel like you are treating her like a baby. She's becoming her own person, and it's natural for her to want to spend time with her friends. She's going to want that more and more, and she isn't going to be as interested in spending time with you. Don't take that personally. This is supposed to happen. It's part of growing up.

None of this means you stop doing your job as her mom. She might not like it, but homework and choirs come before phone and tv. She might think she's got it all figured out, but you are still her mom and you are still in charge.

Keep reaching out to do fun things together, but don't take it personally when she doesn't want to. She will probably say yes sometimes. Also, she probably does want to, but she feels like she isn't supposed to want to. Or at least that's what my 11 year old says to me. He feels like his friends wouldn't want to do something, so he is confused when he does want to. It's a very confusing time. Just try to remember that and just keep loving her.

Sounds like my son...you have to not take it personally. Just be very matter of fact about it in your mind. She is a tween. She wants to be with peers only. Parents are "dumb". It's her age. Not that we let him get away with not doing his chores. We take away his phone or computer time if he is in such a stubborn mood that he totally refuses to do something he needs to. That usually motivates him. Again - don't be the type of parent who takes things personally. You are not her friend, you are her parent. It's hard, but sometimes you have to toughen up. :)

This is the beginning of her teen years. They call this time the "tween" years because they're no longer a child but not yet a teen learning to become an adult soon.

These are the hardest years and there will be good days and horrid days and days you wish could go on forever.